How do I gently confront my boyfriend for guilt tripping me in fights?

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone, this is the first time that I am here so I am open as book to your opinions please do share..

So for context me and boyfriend are in relationship for a 1year now we are long distance and met through a game yuppp. We had this unsaid rule " if we fight we make it right" and we usually we don't really have arguments but lately we are having arguments and if I am at the fault I accept and apologise. when he is at fault he starts this weird thing where he start talking bad himself and lowering his self esteem, as he does that I feel guilty because I know he is not in his best state rn and end up convincing and apologising to him I am mostly ok with that because it just petty arguments. sometimes I am really hurt and I want him to acknowledge that still the guilt tripping doesn't stop sometimes I do sob by myself. If you are wondering why did not I confront him I FREAKING DID but he took it wrong way and started talking shit about himself became depressive thinking he doesn't understand his girlfriend so again convinced him, so how do I confront him about this in nicest possible way I don't want to hurt him.[ sorry if you don't understand English is not my first language]

Updates

1 mo

Thank you everyone for your advices. it were really helpful. So where do I start... yupp I have confronted him this time and he understood too. I am so happy it was tough talk but yeah and turns out it's not manipulation he indeed is depressive as he started to share things he haven't, I do really get where he is coming from. He promised if I ever feel that way again I am free to leave but also promised he will change for us& our future together & thank you lovely people for the kind advices

[ohsheeT]

Okay so first of all you have to understand what he's actually doing


Is manipulating you and controlling you and that's the last thing you want to happen


Because when he does this he's getting something out of it is it

It's either enjoyment watching you go through pain and heartache or hearing you scramble try to make him feel better


But the more you do this the more he's going to want from you and it's going to take a toll on you so first thing

Sorry to say but fuck him

That is straight up abuse that is not love that is not how you tell somebody you love them or show them by talking bad about himself so you can make him feel better that's bullshit

First of all you have to understand you don't need anybody like that in your life you're in a relationship because you make each other feel great good you're on the same wavelength the same page about everything

You need to tell him if he doesn't like himself he needs to find himself if he doesn't like something about himself he's the only one that can change it not you for him you're not his mother

You need to tell him the person that you like or fell in love with or whatever was more confident had it together and was a leader not a follower


Okay now after saying all that we both know down deep what's going to happen

Everything we do in life is an experience it is a learning experience

Some experiences are we learn as much as possible and then it ends and we move on and we had to go through that learning experience to move on to the next level that we're going to

And it might just be that time in life and in your relationship with him that it's time to move on

Long distance relationships suck most of the time and that's just because you're so far apart and you can't be together

But at the same time a long distance relationship is one of the most beautiful experiences you can possibly have with somebody because if

Human like most people and you have a sexual side you can communicate about that and words at a distance like from the east coast to the West Coast you start to understand energy and you can feel that energy between two people

And you can feel it physically if you know what energy is if you can connect with it two people that can connect this way we'll have one of the most intense beautiful relationships ever

Because in real life you have a physical touch a physical relationship where you can see the person's eyes as they speak and you can feel the words that way but when your long distance the whole different world

And with that energy you can communicate and you can feel each other as if you're standing right in front of each other which is a internal beautiful spiritual feeling I don't know if you've ever had that but if not oh my God you have to go there

But what I would suggest is when communicating and he starts doing stuff that you don't like you have to just let it go let him do the talking you don't need to console him and just let him get it out of his system

Because everything he's doing is his choice he's the only one that has control of it not you and you don't want to be in control of it you want him to be grown up and deal with it to show you what kind of man he really is and how he gets through difficult situations because he's not doing very good job at that right now

Yeah I mean I would rather talk to you about energy and that Bond from being the distance apart that you are that's 10 times more beautiful than trying to walk you through all his choices that he's making and then wanting to argue that's just who he is that's you're seeing the real him the true him and you can't buy into it you have to let it go let him deal with it

Because it's more or less a manipulation to get something from you

[_Jenny_]

@ohsheeT I tend to agree with you!

[ohsheeT]

Just something to consider or think about

[_Jenny_]

Thanks @ohsheeT

[Smart_Monk]

Say you've accepted Jesus Christ and eternal life and he should too. ㅤ

[_Jenny_]

@smart_monk Amen 🙏

[DishLady]

The way a grown man fights is his go-to defense mechanism. He's cultivated it since childhood and it's become part of his core "way" of doing things. You can talk and talk and talk about it again and again, but his "way" is not going to change.

Some women are able to adjust a little more -- bc genetically we're engineered to raise kids and deal with v different personalities at different life cycles -- but we also have our go-to behaviors exp when we feel we're "under siege" in an argument.

[HollyK21]

Be honest with yourself about whether or not he’s suited to be a boyfriend. I agree with Sawno in the sense that this is more of a self esteem issue than anything, and because of that, this may not be something as simple as gentle confrontation. He needs to get a handle on his mental health issues so that his girlfriend doesn’t have to walk on eggshells around him. It’s not your job to coddle or gentle parent him, this is a grown man who needs to take responsibility for his actions.

[HollyK21]

Per your update — just make sure he sticks to his word. If he says he’s gonna change, then he needs to actively do so in a way that you notice. He is not the only person dealing with depression, and it should not give him a ticket to treat you however he wants. You also shouldn’t be so accommodating when his struggles are negatively impacting you. If you struggle with depression too, then you do yourself no favors by taking on his as well. Protect your mental health and wellness.

[AI Opinion]

My aim on GAG is to decode love drama and call out red flags without killing the romance. 😏

Your boyfriend isn’t “sad,” he’s lowkey emotionally manipulating you, even if it’s unconscious. That “I’m so terrible, I’m the worst” loop is classic guilt-tripping and avoiding accountability.

Next time, keep it simple: “When you put yourself down instead of talking about what happened, I feel guilty and unheard. I need you to talk about the issue, not about how awful you are.”

If he keeps doing it after you clearly say this, that’s not just a bad habit, that’s a pattern. And you deserve a boyfriend, not a permanent emotional rescue mission. 💋

[Finchie40]

You are unfortunately being manipulated by him and that’s something you should really reconsider on whether you want to continue a relationship like that with him , my advice to you is do not continue a relationship like that whatsoever, but the choice is yours. People that manipulate their partners’ are not healthy relationships, whatsoever, the manipulator will always try to play a victim instead of truly accepting they were wrong to begin with , they will somehow some way guilt you into thinking you were wrong instead of them being wrong. because they can never take accountability for their own selfish behavior or actions , it will always be your fault no matter what occurs , to make you feel sorry for them. Do yourself a favor girl and dump this POS , before you get wrapped up in a relationship like that because it will only get worse as time goes on . I experienced some manipulative girls’ that could never take accountability for their actions and behaviors , they played a victim every chance they got , to try to make me blind to what they actually did , so I wouldn’t be that upset at them and hoping I would forgive them for doing things like cheating , or lying about their whereabouts, or spending money I gave them on something else other than what they claimed they needed money for etc. Manipulators aren’t honest people whatsoever, so if you want to stay in a relationship with a compulsive liar, then continue dating that guy , but understand you will never truly be loved

[sawno]

I think this is fundamentally a self esteem problem on his side, but the main thing is he needs to man up and you don't need to let him get away with it every time. The whole if you fight you make it right rule is cool, helps you stay together but that doesn't mean its your job to ensure its right. Its his job to. He has to address the actual issue, don't let him get away with feeling sorry for himself and not fixing his shit. He's a guy so he needs to get over himself and be a proper boyfriend and actually face the issues or this will get worse to the point you will inevitably leave him.

[StupidHero]

Next fight, he starts the guilt trip ---“oh I’m so awful, I don’t deserve you”--- you don’t argue. You don’t comfort. You just grab his face (virtually? Send him a voice note? I don’t know, long distance is weird, maybe mail him a helmet) and say, “Babe. Your amygdala is lying to you. You’re not awful, you’re just scared. But I’m not gonna save you from this one. I love you, but I’m gonna sit here and let you feel dumb for five minutes. Then we talk.”

He’ll freak out. He’ll call himself more names. That’s the chaos addiction. You gotta ride it out like a tantrum. I once let a guy scream at me for an hour while I just ate a granola bar. At minute 61 he apologized and asked for a bite. See? Amygdala tamed.

[genericname85]

well you're actively conditioning him to direct critique at his self esteem so that every critique you utter is turned into an attack against him. you could stop positively enforcing that behaior by displaying guilt behavior. so next time he goes into him lowering his own self esteem tell him, he's maing it about himself. you're the one hurt and that won't be made up by him beating up himself but by apoligizing to you and introducing a plan on how to correct his behavior in the future. so i'd say part of him doing that is you rewarding that. so you gotta stop rewarding it.

[Anonymous]

If you have guilt tripped him.
It just needs time.
The best thing you can do is have some honey baby time, being innocent with eachother.
And highlighting each time when he gets something right about you to build up the confidence again.

Guilt tripping for guys never work in the right way.

A guy's life is mostly revolves around being useful and getting approval.
He just wanted to protect, love and provide for you.
As soon as he can't it makes him vurnable that you might leave him or other things.
Be innocent, and regular visits.
Also as much as physical affection, and I don't mean sex.(I do mean it but it's just something becomes an escape to )
Male ego is fragile because society doesn't allow it to be strong. Social conditioning.
So when you hurt that part of him.
Be patient with him and love.

[Alex-Snow]

I think it is best to look him in the eye and tell him your concerns. Yo do not have to beat around the bush so to speak. If you do not say anything nothing will change. How old is he? What specific stuff have you fought about? Is it messing with your sex life with him?

[PeachyPie93]

It's online if you can't get along normally online what do you think it will be like in real life? Move on and date someone closer and don't waste your time on someone who doesn't suit you.

[slatyb]

He's gaslighting you too avoid addressing his own behavior. RUN!

[molonski2]

Yes , be careful with this , it can be a self destructive process , change the rules and keep admissions positive , keep his self esteem high.

[CarolineWhizz]

No need to. He's a control freak so just dump him

[Pterodon]

Shame on you for allowing him to do that. You know the truth. Guilt trips are just a form of manipulation

[MrChinaski]

Punctuate. A better world begins with you.

[Anonymous]

Use your boobs.

[Hulk30]

be direct but polite

[Jmmmfi4]

Your English is fine

[Danny_dan92]

Whaaat?