Am I overreacting, or is my child’s father not pulling his weight as a parent?

[Anonymous]

I have a full time job as a nurse and a 3 year old autistic son. His father, although he wants to be in a relationship, decided to move out as he felt I was not allowing him enough time to focus on himself and his goals. He stays with him at my place usually 3 nights a week and sometimes a few hours on the weekend as he states his current apartment isn’t ready yet for our son. He has multiple side business and a full time job that takes up a lot of his time. Since finding out my son was autistic, I decided to stay with my parents for extra support and in order for me to be able to maintain a job; however , my mother works and my dad is retired but is usually busy. Additionally, I recognize my child is my responsibility so I don’t just throw my son at them every chance I get. The issue is, is I’m exhausted. I work four days a week, I have a pretty long commute, leave my house around 7 come back home 6:30pm and go straight into mom mode all while my “partner” is out apparently focusing on his side businesses and living elsewhere. He also has a tendency to tell me he will be there for a certain number of days and ends up going back on his word and only staying around for 2 nights as opposed to three, for example. He says I need therapy for getting annoyed and I should consider myself lucky for him being as involved as he is. What type of men was he around to model his current behaviors and believe that how he is going about things is beneficial to me? I really need advice. He doesn’t seem to get it or care about it my time for myself and says I need to be more selfless because he has goals he wants to achieve.

[AI Opinion]

My aim on GAG is to give you the honest relationship truth with a little spice and a lot of care 💋

You’re not overreacting at all. He’s weaponizing “goals” and “self-care” as an excuse to avoid equal parenting. A father who dips in 2–3 nights, changes plans last minute, then tells you to be “more selfless” is throwing red flags everywhere.

You work, commute, parent, manage autism care, and still feel guilty? That’s not love, that’s emotional gaslighting. Therapy might help you, but not for the reason he says. It would help you set boundaries, formalize custody, and stop accepting crumbs dressed up as “involvement.”

A real partner would rearrange his goals, not his nights with his own child. You’re not lucky to have him “this involved” — he’s lucky you’ve tolerated this long.

[HollyK21]

Pulling his weight? That man has almost fully checked out of fatherhood and marriage. The fact that he’s living separately from you, and the main source of help you now receive comes from your parents and not even him, speaks volumes. I have a feeling that your kid being autistic plays a big role, since this has all seemed to unfold since his diagnosis. I get it — not everyone knows how to navigate having a kid on the spectrum, some can’t handle it at all and are ashamed and/or afraid to admit that. Regardless of that though, he doesn’t get to pull out of parenthood. Like this is essentially coparenting as a single parent at this point and if I were you I would not remain in any marriage all by myself.

[blshbnz]

You’re not overreacting. Have you considered hiring a babysitter? I know making money and jobs are important but I feel like the mom should stay home to take care of the baby while the dad is working and making the money for the family. The baby needs their mom most. If you can’t give up your job I really recommend a baby sitter. Also he needs to grow some balls and help out a bit too if he wanted to focus on his job he shouldn’t not have a child. The baby is autistic that’s his child he shouldn’t be acting weird like that.

[Asker]

We have a sitter but she is older in age ( she used to babysit me and my younger brother). She has been getting sick a lot this year, unfortunately leaving me with almost no time for myself on days off and I don’t like disturbing my parents at their schedules/routines. I’m also wary of anyone new as my son has a speech delay, as well.

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure if you’re overreacting or not. There’s always 3 sides to the story. Yours, his and the truth. I’ve learned that a majority of the time whether it’s a man or woman telling their side it’s not always the truth. I know a number of nurses who work the same schedule as you who are single w 2-3 kids, they’re doing fine from my understanding. If you’re staying w your parents that most likely means you’re not paying rent or stuff like that. To me sounds like this baby wasn’t planned. What exactly ideally to you is him pulling his weight?

[Asker]

I think it’s important to consider all factors such as age and if the child has other things going on. The experience of raising a neurotypical child is different from raising a neurodivergent child such as mine. It’s exhausting and can be time consuming taking a child to different therapies and services throughout the day or week. Many parents of autistic children report having to reduce their work hours considerably and sometimes quit their jobs altogether. My main argument is I feel he believes his time is more important than mine since he is out “making money” and I constantly have to revise my schedule to match his preferences. Yes he makes time for his son and is there when he is able but I usually find myself having little to no time for myself to unwind and relax whereas although he’s usually busy, he still has mornings and evenings to himself to do as he pleases on a regular basis.

[Asker]

You can’t desire to be with someone but make a conscious decision not to live with your partner and son because you want to live out your goals and dreams while your partner stays behind at home bearing the majority of the work of child rearing while having a full time job herself. And yes I pay my parents 1100 each month. I don’t live there for free just bc they’re my parents.

[Opinion Owner]

So mom and. Dad couldn’t give you one day a week to help w the child as well so you can have time to yourself? I mean there’s some benefit to living there for a reason otherwise you wouldn’t have moved back in w them. Maybe rent isn’t as much cause these days rent is almost twice that for a descent place, maybe 1700. Plus no utilities unless you pay that too. What does he pay for as far as the child?

[Asker]

It’s a definite win as far as child care expenses as they mainly watch him while I work. My mother works five days a week and sometimes watches him a few hours every few weekends so most times it’s just me and my son as his dad is usually out and about, busy. I feel if he would prioritize my time a little more as opposed to making me feel like it’s not as valuable as his, I wouldn’t be so aggravated all the time. He gives me a few hundred dollars a month which I put towards child care, his necessities, snacks, clothing. He is a very loving dad and is there for his son when absolutely necessary. I just feel like he’s not the greatest partner.

[Anonymous]

Im sorry but that's why I don't want kids
After they're born, you dont know how your partner is going to to react
And raising a child is something I can't do on my own. Knowing that his father isn't as active as I am and treating our kid like a chore would irk me so bad i would make a fool out of myself and he still wouldn't care. Worst case scenario is saving me from a lot of stress because a worst case scenario is somebody's reality. If I want take care of kids I can always volunteer. At least I can go home to peace when im tired I can be me, not a mom or provider. You're not overreacting, just chose the wrong one sorry...

[Abbycado]

You are not overreacting.