What’s something couples should discuss before becoming serious that people usually wait too long to mention?

Question

I feel like people sometimes prioritize chemistry and attraction first, and then wait until they’re already attached to discuss the things that can actually make or break a relationship.

What’s one conversation you think couples should have before things get serious?

WhiteSteve · Accepted Answer

I’d say kids are a big one. Both “do you want them?” and “how do you want them to be raised?”, whether that’s a matter of location, faith, ideology, economic level, or even just parenting styles, etc. And of course what the plan is to afford all of that, haha.

I see a ton of marriages go south after the kids are born, probably due to financial stress more than anything, but a lot of it comes down to the functional rearing of the child. Sometimes I’ll see women complaining and I’m like “you thought HE was going to be a good father? Lady, WHAT?”

One of my friends from college…great guy, really fun/funny, has a good heart in his chest. Got married in I think 2014, had a couple kids, but the marriage has been over for at least two years. Multiple reasons, I’m sure, and I’m not really much of a fan of hers, especially now…but there are some things on her side of the argument where I’m like “I get it, but…. he hasn’t changed since you met him.” Not the least of which is that he SUCKS at earning money. He’s one of those guys where I’ve kind of recalibrated my feelings about governmental or societal expectations that everybody work. I’d rather just have the government cut him a check every month and just let him sit this whole “work” thing out. He’s simply not wired for it; I’ve decided that of a lot of people, lmfao. After years of management experience, I think I’d rather wake up everyday and do all the working while they sleep in and live on the dole, just so they don’t come around making the workday harder with their ineptitude😂

Anyway, he’s just one of those guys like “If you love him and enjoy his companionship, knock yourself out; but you WILL have to be the breadwinner”, lmao. His ex-wife had a pretty decent job and house when they got married. She still demanded an upgrade, so they bought some nice house with a pool that was at the very top of what they could afford…which is usually actually more than what you can afford.

I’m going tangential, bitching about my friend’s ex-wife, so I’d better rein myself in, lmao…but the moral of the story is two kids and one expensive house later, all of a sudden she decides that she just can’t deal with his poverty/inability to hold a steady job that pays more than peanuts. He’s out here getting killed on child support, he’s always asking for loans so he can make rent, he has no car and is stuck taking the bus everywhere, IN NEW HAMPSHIRE, which doesn’t have the most reliable or expansive public transportation system; it sounds like he’s blowing tons of money on Uber, just trying to get around. Other than my old plug from back in the day who’s basically a homeless guy now (saw him in July and he had just been hit by a car; saw him last week and he’d fallen off a roof🤦‍♂️ Hate to see it😞), this is my friend doing the worst in life. He’s sharing an apartment with his ex-bro-in-law, his current school janitor job was hooked up through his ex-mother-in-law (and he texts me a video of him shooting baskets in the gym on his first night on the job, lmfao, I know he’ll get his ass fired eventually🤦‍♂️😂), and none of it seems to be a financially solvent situation.

So, without going on too much longer…. great guy, but he is a loser, in the context of a capitalist society. Great dad, loves his daughters, but I don’t think she lets him see much of them, and he doesn’t have a car to freely visit or a living situation where they could share custody. Still goes around telling people he’s “a deadbeat dad”, which boils my blood, but that’s another story. New boyfriend kicking his feet up at the house he’s still helping to the pay the mortgage for, and I think he took the L just to not uproot his daughters. But I don’t see a way out for him, it’s sad.

I say all that to say, maybe back in 2011 or whenever they met, she should’ve maybe picked up on it that he’s a “vibes guy”, but is in no way the type of dude who should be relied upon to be a good husband and father in a provider sense. I get her frustrations, but they shouldn’t come as any surprise. I’ve known him almost 30 years now, since my first day at college. This is who he’s always been.

I just bought a new Bronco a few months ago and I kept the old car just to be the dump shuttle, because we don’t do curbside trash/recycling pickup, we bring it ourselves; didn’t want to trash a brand new whip, scratching it up with barrels in the back, etc. Next year, maybe when the “new car smell” has worn off, I kind of want to fix up the old one for him and just give it to him, maybe even cover a year of insurance. Probably doing more than I should, but this kid is stuck in an endless cycle of poverty. I’m just saying I never would’ve married him, though😂 So these are important things to figure out before making a big commitment.

ohsheeT · Accepted Answer

I agree its a beautiful thing to have that deep intense chemistry and energy together to become one

And I don't know if people get caught up in that and think that's who that person is

I see a lot of people that I believe that's who that person is and they end up breaking up or divorce or whatever somewhere down the road

You have to know who that person is on the inside all the way

You have to know what they want in life and if you're capable of giving that to them
Love is more than just a feeling

You have to know priorities you have to know commitment that you have to know Financial you have to know everything about them and who they truly are and you need to discuss all those things to see if you are compatible with the things that they like and do and who they are it's much more than chemistry chemistry is one of the most beautiful things in the world to melt together and if everything else goes with that and that's a good relationship that you have to know who that person truly is in order for it to work and that's communication and not just jumping thinking that that chemistry is actually who that person is because it's much more than that

But when you can find that balance between two people in every way of being responsible with each other it's a beautiful thing

DishLady · Accepted Answer

(1) kids (current or future)
(2) family proximity and situations
(3) religious values and adherence
(4) STD situations and other medical stuff
(5) money matters
(6) prior cheating or other issues
(7) the 5-year, 10-year and forever plans

EmmaMary · Accepted Answer

Future ambitions and honest views and desires for starting a family.

Love Doctor Brad · Accepted Answer

My whole aim on GAG is helping people avoid heartbreak before it hits like a truck.

Big one people avoid: long‑term lifestyle and kids.
Do you want marriage or just vibes? Kids or childfree? Monogamy only or open to other structures? Where do you want to live, what’s your money mindset?

If those core values clash, no amount of chemistry or great sex will save it, it just delays the breakup.

AviatorTom · Answer

Money is a topic that people usually have strong opinions on, and often argue about.

Anonymous · Answer

Their past. When a woman takes too long to disclose certain things it comes off as though she's hiding them. If she's really not ashamed (a common woman's statement) than there's no reason to hide it. The reality is she simply doesn't want to be judged about it. Well damn, men don't like being judged either. But the reality is a woman WILL judge him six ways to Sunday.😆 this is why men say as little as possible. We know it's less likely she'll judge

I think more people (men and women) need to accept that there are over 8 billion people on this planet. Roughly about 50% are the other gender. Ergo you have about 4 billion potential partners out there. And guess what? They're not all going to like you. Nor should they. Too many people take judgement and rejection far too personal. When you meet someone who genuinely likes you to the point they just want to love you it's a special thing. But most people NEVER arrive there because they are far too focused on who, how, and when that happens.

lightbulb27 · Answer

you ask good questions...

You gotta figure out if you like that person and what the source of attraction and love is. Generally speaking, love, is a projection... so where it coming from. You will be dealing with it later, might as well explore it.

Explore their environment growing up and understand how compatible you are.

How decisions can be made, if you can deal with the other person. life is about making deals... ugh... I mean coming to cooperative agreements.

you are not compatible, so figure out if you can handle the areas of incompatible.

If you like them, there's some love, you can handle dealing wit hthem and their stressors (family, kids, issues), they are a decent person to work with, that's as good as it gets.

OneViewpoint · Answer

I may be naive but in my mind I'm picturing being with someone for about 2 years before marriage comes up. And during that time I'm having those conversations. Not in some big event but hundreds of small conversations. Hopes and dreams, past regrets, needs and wants, likes and dislikes, family showstoppers, sex drive, etc. etc. etc. By the time it gets round to "let's make this permanent", I have all the answers I need else there will be no proposal of marriage with someone I don't know or understand. Hopefully she's been doing the same thing with me for 2 years and not wasting her time and mine.

KBird · Answer

I think a pretty big (and obvious) one is: “What are your short-term and long-term goals?”

If someone says, “I’ve always wanted to move across the world,” and they’re actively working toward that, that’s probably something worth knowing before you get serious.

It also tells you whether you actually envision similar lives. Maybe you both want to travel the world, or maybe you both want to settle down, buy a home, and have a family. Or maybe one person wants one of those things and the other wants something completely different.

I also think hearing someone’s short-term goals can tell you a lot about them. Do the things they’re working toward now actually support the life they say they want in the future? You don’t necessarily need identical goals, but it’s pretty important that the lives you’re building are compatible.

Dargil · Answer

Sexual intimacy. It is elective for many women but critical to men to validate our choices to honor exclusive relationships. Lacking it, we will drawn to secure it elsewhere or depart the relationship. It is not a selfish power play. It is imprinted in our DNA. It is not optional.

Also, her using sexual intimacy as reward and punishment to manipulate him is dishonorable to that exclusive relationship and he will inevitably find another warm body or exit, rings or not. Am I hinting that it is her DUTY? Yes.

You might want to discuss The Ten Date Rule that I posted in here.
Should society go back to courtship?

The point of this is that sexual intimacy is not optional. It is as essential as motor oil is to your car's engine. Work it out as soon as you and he decide you are exclusive.

rose_noire · Answer

How you each handle hard moments.

Everyone talks about dreams and chemistry early. Almost no one talks about money, conflict, and what a normal Tuesday looks like together 5 years from now.

Ask, when you're hurt, do you withdraw or talk?

When you're stressed about money, what do you do?

What does family mean to you, practically?

Love isn't tested in the good days. It's tested in how you repair.

ArrowheadSW · Answer

Views on how to handle money is important. My big thing was to avoid taking on debt, except for a home mortgage. Money spent on interest on car loans, etc., would be best put aside in investments. I wouldn't do well with someone who wants to spend and build up large amounts of debt.

Smileygirl2000 · Answer

Do you want to get married? Do you have kids, do you want kids, do you have any addictions, do you have any exes that you're friends with besides the mother of your child, do you have an std, do you get tested, what's your income, what's your long term goals, etc

Screenwriter · Answer

I think money, saving, spending. Cooking to save money, bring your own lunch to work... Do they like or want to travel. Health care. Exercise... These are all priorites in your life. And when and if you want children.

Billlewis · Answer

Retirement -- what, where and most importantly, when. I spent 14 years in a relationship with a woman ten years older than me, but she steadfastly refused to either a) leave Chicago or b) retire. Finally, after she turned 71, and had plenty of money, plus a generous gov't pension waiting, but STILL refused to retire or leave the building, when 3/4 of the people living there had already fled the area, I moved out last year.

NathanDavis · Answer

every, thing... that matters to them

I'm still surprised by how many people on this site get into relationships and then they find out LATER... about what kind of people they got so involved with... lol

Miristheiss · Answer

Life goals, thoughts on spending money. Investing, budgets, shared or separate financess, thoughts on having kids, how many, abortion, thoughts on sex, promiscuity, boundaries, thoughts on God, morality, gender roles, thoughts on marriage, divorce, alimony, prenups.

jshm2 · Answer

Faith and values.

Too many people start with money, hobbies and other ephemeral nonsense. The values of a person determines what they are, and if they will be compatible. No point having a big house, money and fame, when you've a psycho partner beating you black and blue every other night.

Faith is attached to values, as it determines the rule book they will follow. No, you're not going to "change" the person to yours and still have them be the same person.

TsundereMatrix · Answer

I feel like the topic of having kids should be discussed early on while dating especially if the relationship is headed towards a serious one.

MikeTheBartender · Answer

A lot of people already said kids.  But I will add, I try to let them know up front that I have a vasectomy! Kind of interesting when some of the one night stands told me they were pregnant.

queenofcardio · Answer

I think if you're looking for a long-term relationship, it's better to discuss each other's deal breakers early on

fonduegirl · Answer

Medical history, futurevplans for kids, religion, culture, living situation, finances, goals, etc

NoDecision · Answer

That's an easy one. Your dick is how big now? 😅🤣😂😋

Zack-Bann · Answer

Recent events show that’s worth finding out if your partner approves of killing babies under any circumstances…

molonski2 · Answer

Finances  Child birth  Property ownership  Living locations  Lifes goal  Who is going to discuss any of this early on?

Clara4567 · Answer

Politicals ideas and also what they expect from the relationship, for example if they want to marry or if they want kids...

lilBigPotato · Answer

Pineapple on pizza, yay or nay. Important to filter out the weirdos early on.

236color · Answer

Two things. First, theory of money management. This was the one I did have before marriage. My in-laws took out a second mortgage to pay credit card bills. I said "we will never get to that point". Second, sexual boundaries/expectations, I will not do X, if you won't do Y it's over, frequency, that kind of thing.

DarKnight36 · Answer

Family members coming together and talking This is very often put on hold. "I loved her, so I got married." No! The elders of the family often intervene at the slightest spark, and it can turn into chaos. Many of my friends married for love and then separated amicably.

Nikki1989 · Answer

Your expectations as a couple. It will never work if you want completely different things.

Spencer10 · Answer

Children? Goals? Where do you want to live? Money?

midnightmoon05 · Answer

Marriage, babies, money. If they are not on the same page… it can cause problems in a serious relationship.

Babyseal23 · Answer

What you both see yourself in the future and politic, values, morals, religion. Got to make sure you both have a similar view on life or things can get messy

Anonymous · Answer

if they both have any common hobbies, spending habits, hygiene habits, common ambition.

It took me a long time to figure out with my past ex boyfriend that we had no hobbies in common. he was an over spender and dirty as hell and lacked ambition which didn't bode well with me. I loved him very much but that's why things just didn't work out.

rgb008 · Answer

how they prefer to use the toilet, learn from my mistakes

_Jenny_ · Answer

@7phoenix7 should talk about how many children they want

browsingthroughthe · Answer

Life plans and life goals  - kids - marriage  - what kind of beliefs / political etc  - career / do for money  - are your in-laws nuts lol  🥜

Bklynbadboy12 · Answer

The should discuss there dept kids and the parenting style how they feel about disciplining them. I know people who's marriage fell apart because of those things

Anonymous · Answer

Sex. What's ok, whats not ok. The frequency etc.

Jamie05rhs · Answer

Well, if you're just "becoming serious," then you have plenty of ways to go before marriage, or even engagement. So you have plenty of time to discuss everything that needs to be discussed. There's no rush.

exitseven · Answer

There are many issues that are important. I would imagine money issues would be most important.

Likes2drive · Answer

Usually kids and marriage, sometimes intimacy issues and if there’s any STD problems. Money is something to bring up but usually people find out if you’re working right in the beginning anyway

Kassandra1994 · Answer

Check and see ifbthey aren't religous church fanatics.

Theoretical_Apulu · Answer

Kids, political ideas, future plans. Chemistry is the last thing one should care about.

ProbablyClueless · Answer

Religious stuff! If you need your partner to practice a certain religion or have a certain value system, you CANNOT MAKE ANY BONES ABOUT THAT.

DragonDan444 · Answer

I think you should want the answer before you ask lol.

RareBreedOfMan · Answer

They should mention Communicating with one another.

Hispanic-Cool-Guy · Answer

Are you a pain in the rear?  Being with someone that is difficult to deal with is hell especially if you live with them.

Anonymous · Answer

A good sex life and talk about what you both want in the future like marriage and kids!

gasman70 · Answer

religious beliefs, fantasies, dislikes in the bedroom.

Staximus · Answer

Drinking, drug abuse, whether they want children, finances, and mental health

fishbone77 · Answer

Probably what their goals are. Is marriage the goal or is it just dating indefinitely?

kaucky1 · Answer

If chit chatting instead of doing it that procrastinating

Alexson_stormzy · Answer

Your right!!! I Agree with you personally o. That note... Period

JamesRandiDebates · Answer

Need to find out if she has ever pulled a train or spread her legs for a non-white. Either one is a deal breaker, but women know that and will lie their asses off.

Markella83 · Answer

The beginning where both of you know where you stand.

FunkyMonkee · Answer

Which laundry detergent they use.

RingOfFire · Answer

kids... kids! Did I mention kids?

slatyb · Answer

Their sexual preferences in great detail.

Paige2006 · Answer

Children and sex

LiamJHayden · Answer

Wanting children.

Bradleyyeldarb · Answer

Morals and ethics and child rearing beliefs

LunarEclipse433 · Answer

Sexual likes and dislikes

fish5505_87 · Answer

Politics.

What’s something couples should discuss before becoming serious that people usually wait too long to mention?

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