Should I date a guy 13 years my senior?

[Anonymous]

I'm 19 and my last boyfriend was 18. We went out for 4 years, but wanted different things in life, and he was quite immature. We broke up 4 months ago and now I'm ready to start dating again. I recently met this guy who seems pretty interested in me, except that he's 32. I thought he was younger than he is and he thought I was older than I am. I look 23 and he looks 25 so we could easily go out and look a similar age, but the fact that he's 13 years older than me freaks me out a bit as my last boyfriend was a year younger than me and very immature so it will be kind of weird going out with someone so much more mature. Then again, when I think of dating a 32 year old it's gross but when I think of him he looks so much younger and I like him so I don't think it will matter. Can you please let me know whether I should go out with him or not? And how many years apart is the most you would go out with people (eg you wouldn't date someone 3 years older than you).

[Warren]

Whether or not not you 'should' date him depends on you. What do you want out of the relationship? What does he want? You have to realize that he's out of the experimentation phase -- I don't mean he's sexually boring (on the contrary, he's probably more experienced and more adept at pleasing a woman due to his age) but rather that he knows what he wants. He has the upper hand.

Recognizing this, it's important that you find out what he wants to get out of the relationship, and whether it's the same as what you want. Is he looking for a casual relationship, semi-serious, or potential marriage? It's unlikely that a 32 year old is looking to marry a 19 year old, which is perfectly fine but might not be good for you if you're looking for a lifelong commitment.

Does he have kids? Does he want them? Do YOU want them? How might the two of you react if you were impregnated? How do you feel about abortion? Your life is probably somewhat in flux, but kids might really screw things up for him. Even if you didn't intend to have kids with him, if you want kids "someday" and are against abortion it might seem awfully convenient for you to carry it to term in the event of a pregnancy, after all the father is a stable man in his 30s. Better him than some teenage guy from college, right?

I ask these questions because they're issues you'd have to deal with in the event of a relationship. They're questions that he's probably asking himself even as he flirts with you. Now if neither of you want kids, you're fine with abortions and you're just looking for a casual relationship it could be a match made in heaven. It sounds like you're looking for a mature guy and guys are always willing to take out an attractive younger woman. Always. But it's about what he wants, and about what you want. Not what we think.

If you and he have the same goals in mind there's absolutely no reason not to date him.

[NotJustAnotherGuy]

It happens a lot. I don't recommend it, as from a society perspective it's not the best match up. But you can always be the anomaly. The couple who works it out, who doesn't get chastised by ignorant family, who ultimately grows comfortable with the age difference and makes people around them comfortable with it. Because really the biggest problem you'll face isn't going to be you and him.. You and him is a problem in every relationship.. but with the age gap.. people are dumb, they think they know what's best for you.. needless to say they'll likely share their thoughts and it might get stressful. Or maybe not. But that's something you have to acknowledge you might face and that you can deal with, before making a commitment to him.

A close cousin of mine is dating a guy 9 years her elder.. she was 17 and he was 26 or so when they first got together.. they've been together 3-4 years now.. and they've dealt with a LOT of crap from other people about their age difference. But my family isn't very understanding, so haha, hopefully yours will be.

[Anonymous]

you can do it, just be careful. I'm attracted to guys who are a lot older, but at a certain age gap you are at totally different points in life so he will see you as a kid good for sex. if he really cares about you he may not but this happens in many big age gaps.

the older guy I liked thought I was fun and attractive and mature but the bottom line is compared to his place in life I was just a child and he wouldn't even date me, he just wanted sex. luckily I didn't do it because I liked (still kind of do, this was a recent blow) him a lot. part of me still wants to though.

anyhow I say I'd date about twelve years up tops. I'm turning 21 in the spring. but even that would be pushing it. I went out with a guy twelve years older a few months ago, on a date. I am pretty mature for my age and we could relate well. he seemed to take me seriously and I think we could have been fine but I just didn't feel the spark (it wasn't age related though)

i like older men, well no, I LOVE them! to be honest. but even the practical part of me realizes that dating more than 10 years up (even that I'm hesitant, my ideal is 4-8 years older) is going to make it harder to relate and I worry of him trying to control or objectify me because he's older. for a fling or something that isn't serious sure. but even then it is risky if I really fall for him, and in the long run I want to get married and I don't want a partner who is too much older because I want to be able to have a life together, being at different points would make it hard.

there can be exceptions though! it's about what you both put in. just keep your eyes open and best of luck girl!

[candlewax]

I'd say tread lightly. I'm always cautious of guys that much older going after girls in your age range. I haven't heard of TOO many where it was successful. Why can't he date anyone his own age?

But the whole thing is really up to you. Age IS just a number, so you can't assume that this guy is absolutely mature. I've had younger friends around your age date older guys and they ended up being total pieces of work. Girls their age didn't want to date them because of this so the guys aimed for lower aged girls because they could get away with that bs since the girls didn't know any better. That'd be the one thing you should really keep an eye out for- make sure he's not taking advantage of the fact that you're younger and more naive. Some guys in their 30s chasing after younger girls makes me think semi quarter life crisis. :/

Ultimately, it's up to you. If you want, just feel out the situation more and take it day by day. If any time you see a red flag that makes you feel uncomfortable, move on. But it's all on you. An internet forum can't tell you who you can and cannot date. It's your choice.

Personally, I'm okay with a few years on either side (older/younger), though MUCH older is a total turn off to me. I just cannot find myself attracted or getting romantically involved. Too young = immaturity. :/

[Anonymous]

I personally think that is too large of an age difference for me. I know that some say age is just a number but in this case other things apply. Like maturity level, you are just out of high school, he has been on his own for 10+ years. He, hopefully, already has a job and his own place. You are ,probably, are still living with or just leaving your parents house. I think you kinda answered your question yourself. You said "the fact that he's 13 years older than me freaks me out a bit...Then again, when I think of dating a 32 year old it's gross." Your best opinion is yourself and you gave your true emotion about this with that comment. Your second judgement would have to be your friends. They will know you best, after yourself. And they should give you a straight forward answer. I try to keep they age of guys I date within 5 years older than me and I have yet to date someone younger but I would say maybe 2 years younger. I wish you the best!

[TheDigitalSaint]

My father married my mother who is 11 years his junior. Last month, they celebrated 37 years of happy marriage together. Age gaps in relationships are far less important than the mutual respect and compatibility for both partners towards each other.

Love is not classified as a number, as long as both parties are legal adults. If you have feelings of attraction, by all means, date this guy. If he is a good man, enjoy a happy relationship together! Last but not least, you should never let others determine your own measure of happiness in your relationship. Only you can be the judge of that.

[davematthewsband589]

If you have feelings for him then you should date him! you can't control your feelings.. it might be nice to date a guy who is experienced and mature compared to your last boyfriend who was immature. If he makes you happy then the age shouldn't matter!

[Anonymous]

I'm currently in a relationship where there is a nine year age gap. Before I met him, I couldn't imagine being in that situation, and if it was anyone other than him, I don't know if I could imagine myself with them.

If YOU want to date him, date him. Figure out what you would want out of the relationship, and the same for him. If it's compatible, you should give it a shot.

[Anonymous]

I think if you're questioning it then you should really think about it and why it bothers you. Is it because of what other people might think or because you feel uncomfortable about it? But if you were to get into a relationship with someone it should be because it feels right, and therefore age difference wouldn't even come into it...

[Anonymous]

nothing wrong with that! I am dating a guy 19 years my senior! And he's amazing!

[Anonymous]

sure there's nothing wrong with that. My dad was 16 years old than my mom when they got married ( 23 and 39) And there still together after 25 years.

[Anonymous]

That is too much of an bar gap.he will enjoy your youth and age you! I am talking about vibe and energy. Sooner or later it's bound to happen. Hey but your call

[Anonymous]

Noooooo. crossing the age line