Perfect Boyfriend yet no sexual attraction or depth

[Anonymous]

I have found a wonderful guy in my life. We have lots of fun together since we enjoy doing mostly all the same things. He is very handsome, well build with muscles, and he treat me incredibly well. I feel that I have found a good guy who gives me the support, love, and stability in this world that l need.

Dilemma: Two slight problem

1. His strength does not lie in speaking his thoughts, and so he is great for when I want to have someone who will listen when I need to vent. But he lacks the ability to give me those little pep talks one needs sometimes and perhaps the wisdom. When he speaks, it is very simple and it lacks depth. I also get bored talking with him on a regular basis because I do no feel intellectually stimulated by his lack of things to express in conversation. (He is such a sweet guy though and truly does love me and I love him)

2. Lack of sexual attraction.

He is so handsome, yet I just have never felt any from of sexual attraction towards him. The kisses feel like lips touching and I don't enjoy making out. I usually love sex, but with him, we barely ever do it and when we do, it feels more like a chore to me than anything.

I feel bad because he longs to hold me and see me when we are apart, and I don't feel the same way. I love spending time with him, though I enjoy the friendship side of it mostly and I feel guilty lying that I can't wait to cuddle him too or make love etc.

To make things even more complicated, I have a friend who is helping me in the studio with my music. Him and I slept together before I met my boyfriend. It was the best I ever had. Anyhow, we have so much sexual tension when we are around each other that we get argumentative because we are frustrated that we can not have sex. We feel a unique attraction, so we always need to take deep breaths around each other. It's painful.

I would never cheat on my boyfriend, but this situation has forced me to face the truth, that I lack sexual connection and depth with my boyfriend and it bother me a lot. I am also very sexually frustrated. This all makes me incredibly confused about everything.

Does anyone think my boyfriend and I still stand a chance and how, or do you think it is a lost cause? Can physical attraction eventually develop? Any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. ( We've been dating 10 months long distance, see each other about 2 times a month)

[ArtistBboy]

Just some depth-based questions to make you think:

1) Physical attraction isn't enough (by itself) to sustain a long-term relationship. Eventually that desire fades, in which you need to have a deeper bond with that person. I understand you're talking about that depth, but the VIBE is targeted towards physical intimacy. For clear purpose as well, 2 times a month isn't enough to really connect with your inner cave-woman over this guy, phone calls/skype/texting doesn't compare to one second of them touching your skin.

2) Do you feel that this can cultivate a new found desire or do you feel exhausted from the mere presence of this relationship? When you're burned out, you're burned out. But if you want it to work, you can always find a way to maintain or increase that hope, you cannot however generate something from nothing; instead you must slowly build on the foundation in front of you. And again, is this something where you are changing him to meet your needs, or helping him for his own needs?

3) Why can't physical attraction develop? An example being "best friends" (one male, one female) and the guy just never got it and generally wasn't attractive in high school. But in later life, you all of a sudden find an attraction for him. Weird, seems like it comes out of no where but the truth is that it comes from how we feel internally. See #1 above and ask yourself if your needs are being met - if they aren't there are courses of action you can take (e.g. you don't see him enough like in the first question, then comes forth the choice you must make to go see him rather than having him see you, an inference being that he's a man and will reciprocate the more you put effort into him).

The general notion is not anything I'm referencing above.. It's actually about getting to how YOU feel about him and this situation. If you feel exhausted, there's no harm in admitting that and getting out before things get even more complicated (e.g. you guys dating for 2 years rather than 10 months, or having kids, maybe proposal, etc)

[Asker]

Thank you, I'm going to have a talk with him today and see what he says and thinks. Maybe if we are become physical more often and talk about what we need physically we will begin to feel that closeness. He usually shuts down when I try to talk to him about sexual fantasies and such but I will try again in a different perspective.

[Alice_Infinity]

What a unique and yet completely true answer. So glad you didn't stick to any cliches! GAG needs more people like you!

[tadpole25]

Long distance is a long term problem, but in general, what I've learned is you can't calculate or make a logical formula for love. I mean he LOGICALLY seems like the perfect boyfriend (strong, good looking, nice, supportive) but as you said the emotion is missing. What emotions is the other guy providing that your boyfriend isnt?

[Anonymous]

To continue where we were: You're a very good person for not wanting to hurt him. Does sexual attraction die down after time? No, I don't really think so. We get used to our partner, and comfortable with them, but in a healthy relationship, I'd say sexual attraction should become greater, once we learn how the other works, how we can please each other, etc. UNLESS that person hurts you emotionally, emotional hurt can kill attraction of all kinds. What dies down naturally in a relationship, is that initial infatuation, that high feeling we get at the beginning of a relationship.

Can you see yourself being with a man the rest of your life that you don't enjoy having sex with? That doesn't sound like a great way to live to me. It may seem like something you can tolerate now, but you're already experiencing sexual frustration, and acknowledging strong sexual feelings for another man. This will keep building and building until you either A: do something you'll regret or B: resent your relationship and resent your boyfriend. Either of these would hurt him far worse than breaking up with him now because you're being honest with yourself and him about how you really feel, and the lack of your sexual needs being met. You would really only be doing BOTH of you a diservice by staying with him because you don't want to break his heart.

If you can't love him completely, the way a woman should love her man (sex is a big part of that), then you should let him find a woman who CAN love him that way, as well as find yourself a man that YOU can love that way. It will hurt him, and you, but just because something is difficult, doesn't mean we should avoid it.

[Anonymous]

As far as your first point goes (not being mentally stimulated), I'd say this one can be worked around. One person can't give us everything we need, so that might just be something you get from your friends, family, whoever . . . I have a friend who is very intelligent, and her Boyfriend isn't the brightest crayon in the box. So to me, they appeared like an odd couple. I wondered, what does she see in him? Although I would never ask her that, it got brought up btwn us and she basically said, "I don't love him for his brains, I love him for his heart, his sense of humor and his loyalty, he's a great person". Then it made sense to me, she can get her 'mental stimulation' from other people, because, once again, one person cannot cater to all of our needs. When they try, it's sure death to a relationship.

Being sexually attracted to your life partner, is in my opinion, extremely important. This is one need (unless you have an open relationship), that cannot be taken care of another person outside of your relationship. So that, for me, would be a deal breaker. Lacking sexual attraction is a great indication that you two are not suited for each other for the long run. I don't even want to tell you to ask him to 'be your friend'. It'll be too painful for him, most likely. Even if he agrees to it right away, my guess is he would eventually drift away because he wants to be more than friends, which does not allow for a friendship to exist.

[Asker]

What confuses me is that I am always hearing about how sexual attraction eventually dies out. Is this just a myth? Do you really think it helps keep the relationship together in the long run? Also, what is even tougher on me, is that I am his first girlfriend. The first breakup is the toughest and I really don;t know if I would have the courage or strength to break his heart. He sees us together forever and often says he doesn't even know how he would live without me. It's a lot of pressure on

[Asker]

on me and I would hate to become his life conflict. He is so good to me and I love him

[kereru]

I think in some cases, and this sounds like one, you get into a relationship with someone because they're who you think you should be with. Not who you actually connect with,

This has happened to me before, you meet someone and on paper he seems like he should be mr. Perfect, good looking, kind, etcetc, so you are hopeful, but you never really feel attracted to him,

It's not your fault, and it doesn't mean you're attracted to a**holes like some people here are suggesting, it's just the way it goes, you can't fall in love with/be turmed on by everyone, just because they tick certain boxes.

No one would blame you for not being sexually attracted to your best girlfriend who might very well be all the things your Boyfriend is, this is kind of the same the thing why is it different because the gender changes? The fact still remains, you like who you like, there's not always a logical reason for it.

[Asker]

Very insightful, its something I'm really going to have to think about. thnx

[why-makoto-kun]

YES! This times 100000000000.

[katkaintkwit]

1. everyone can't be a deep poet with vast knowledge/experience/depth. can't fault him on that.

2. you aren't attracted to him. that's a valid reason to break up. especially if you're thinkin about this guy that you slept with that didn't start a relationship with you...kinda dumb

lol @ we always need to take deep breaths lol!

[Asker]

well it's me who pushed the other guy out of the picture before not him, but I get what your saying

[canofwhoopass]

Lol!

[katkaintkwit]

well you see, pretty thirsty for him now. breakup with your boyfriend. but be nice...cuz it's kinda your fault.

[why-makoto-kun]

I was in her same position. I dated a guy who treated me well, we didn't click, and I broke it off giving a lame reason about us not being compatible or me being stressed or something (this was years ago). I feel bad about it to this day, because out of all the guys that I settled for and wasn't attracted to, he treated me well.

[why-makoto-kun]

Though, we didn't have sex; it was just a few months of dating.

[katkaintkwit]

yeah. I understand that completely except instead of a bs exuse...i think she should really give the reason she doesn't think itll work out

[why-makoto-kun]

I was 18 and told all sorts of B.S. about dating growing up. I wish I hadn't used it; it wasn't blunt like "I'm not attracted to you" but it was more like "I'm stressed and this isn't working" or something. I don't remember, honestly. That's why I feel bad about it.

[katkaintkwit]

lol aw

[Asker]

Yeah I told him exactly how I felt and what was going on about not feeling a mutual attraction. He seemed completely okay with it though, it was weird. I told him we'd have to take things one step at a time and see where things might take us cause It might end up being something I can't live with. He was just so happy to be with me now, that he was cool with it. It was just so weird I don't understand but oh well. If he's happy then ill be fine staying with him till I can figure things out better

[katkaintkwit]

what? did I read that right? so you're stayin with the guy you don't really like? until you can figure things out? what things?

[Asker]

You put words in my mouth. I do like this guy so much on so may levels. I even love him very much. I just don't get that excited IN love feeling about him. That is what I need t figure out. If I can live with that or not, and if it can develop over time.

[katkaintkwit]

dont tell me I'm putting words in your mouth. I was tryin to clear it up. that's wwhy I asked... you give women a horrible name. allt he "sexual tension" you have with the other guy...youre gonna end up cheatin anyway. so just cut your bfs losses.

[Asker]

You being incredibly judgmental. And I know myself well enough to know I wouldn't cheat. Truth is you don't know me in real life, so you can't make these assumptions. This question is getting old, I know what I'm doing now and what I want. thnx though.

[katkaintkwit]

lol well don't make yourself look like an ungrateful whore if that's not what you want us to think. you may not be one. but you describe yourself as such. anywhoo. hope you don't hurt him... bye

[Asker]

**you don't know me well enough

[Asker]

I don't describe myself as a whore, I was just being honest about my situation. There were many helpful comments on here, but your added comments were not some of them. This site is meant to be a place where we can freely express ourselves in times of confusion. Its not meant for trying to put people down.

[katkaintkwit]

i don't have to accept you wanting a guy who obviously doesn't need you when you basically describe your boyfriend was perfect. but you're not attracted to him. you're gonna end up hurtign him but I'm sure you don't care. bye lol I'm really not replyin this time. I swear lol

[Asker]

You lack intelligence if that is what you pick up.

[katkaintkwit]

lol

[Konnour]

It takes approximately 0.5 seconds to tell whether or not you're sexually attracted to a certain person

You see... there's no way how could it develop, if it isn't there, it won't be there, for some people it's hard to admit it but it's the truth

He's your friend, a good friend but that's it.. that lack of depth isn't even that bad as lack of attraction - you're lacking something essential

[hope555]

I may slightly disagree with the first point here. I was NOT AT ALL sexually attracted to my ex. We were just friends. But, over time, when I started falling in love with him while dating, I felt like I never was that sexually attracted to any guy before! In my opinion (maybe it only applies to me?), you can learn to be really attracted to a guy over time. I think, for me, his lack of depth sounds more like a serious issue, because I don't think over time you will ever appreciate this trait!

[Breathe]

not for girls duh

[foxsquirrel]

I feel sorry for the guy. In my opinion you are the problem. You are coming up with all these complications. But if you care about the guy get him to know what you have written here. I don't think he deserves to be left in the dark about your thoughts. You said it yourself he is sweet and wonderful. In my opinion you don't deserve his good qualities and he does not deserve a girl who is on the verge of getting laid with another guy all the time.

[Breathe]

theres nothing wrong with her, he's a boring person and he's trying to please her by molding his personality to be "nice" instead of being himself. Its the all too common pitfal of many guys

[Asker]

NOOOOOO I was just going through a couple of days of confusion when I wrote this. I did speak with my boyfriend and we are all good. The fact is that I love him and am super happy to be with him. We are good for each other. I can see though from what I wrote above how it would seem I'm a terrible girlfriend. Anyhow, the other guy only wishes he could be half the man my boyfriend is and he confused me but I'm so sure now that the other guy is NOt what I want. Its my boyfriend I want. Thnx though.

[Anonymous]

If your love to your boyfriend were a cow, that cow was malnourished and got a mad cow disease and then was killed and chopped up and sold at Burger King. You are behind Burger King looking at the half-eaten burgers with flies over them and wondering if that cow can be brought to life somehow if you feed it the right grass or something.

Everything in your letter sounds like your relationship is a total non-starter and I am sorry to say it but you are to blame - you got into a relationship with your Boyfriend for what can only be described as superficial reasons - based on the guy's body and being flattered by his love for you.

[Asker]

No actually, because we are incredibly compatible. We enjoy doing so many of the same things, we want the same things out of life, and have very similar morals and values. We are happy together in that way. We make great friends and are both very supportive of each other and our goals and needs in life. I also find he has the biggest heart I have ever met in a guy. I love that about him and many other things. Don't be so quick to judge. Its not superficial.

[Opinion Owner]

Please understand that Katherine Russell Tsarnaev must have also found she was really compatible with Tamerlan Tsarnaev, enough to marry and have a child together. And he probably was charming and she probably had an impression they had similar values. The reality is these like / dislike decisions are made at a hormonal level and the brain justifies after the fact what the body had already decided. Related: link

[why-makoto-kun]

Get out of your relationship. The lack sexual attraction will not get better, trust me. I have been in your position with a guy who really treated me well and I wasn't attracted to him, and I felt suffocated and wanted out.

[why-makoto-kun]

Also, how would you feel if a guy dated you while he wasn't attracted to you? Not great, right? You owe it to him to give him a chance to find someone who will be attracted to him.

[Asker]

Its really tough, specially since he didn't seem bothered at all when I spoke to him about it. He is just so happy to be with me he doesn't care that I don't feel the same attraction. Since he's so happy with me regardless, I told him we would take things step by step and see where things went. Did you ever end up finding a guy who was that good to you again, who you also felt the attraction with?

[why-makoto-kun]

That means he has no self-respect, if he doesn't care that his girlfriend is not attracted to him. Most guys find it very important that their girlfriends are turned on by them. It feeds their ego (in a good way) and makes them happy that the girl enjoys being around him.

And no, for me, if no spark is there, a true flaming chemistry never develops. Even a small spark will fizzle out (from newness) if there is no real attraction.

[why-makoto-kun]

Mind you, I mean the spark is there when you realize you are both attracted to each other. Not "he's attracted to me but let's hope my libido gets on board." It never works. I tried forcing my feelings for many people who looked great on pencil and paper like Kereru mentioned, but I couldn't do it.

And when I did force my feelings, I went from indifferent and sad that I didn't have the magical feelings, depressed, then absolutely repulsed by his touch.

[why-makoto-kun]

When I felt a lack of chemistry for a guy, I would resent him, feeling like he was getting all of the benefits of the relationship while I wasn't. He would grin and I would be frowning, dreading visits, but feeling guilty and ungrateful because I "should" have liked him. He would say how happy he was and I couldn't say the same, and the ones with issues would tell me to give it time, and push me to force my feelings. The stress and muscle aches I got from those relationships were awful.

[why-makoto-kun]

So, if I could make any prediction for you guys, I would say that you probably will grow more and more indifferent, then eventually repulsed by this guy, like I did. You might yearn for a different boyfriend, or just some time alone from him. Every time he contacts you, it's a burden. You start to feel dead inside because you aren't following what you want. You might be jealous of happy couples around you and feel inadequate/panicky when you read love stories talking about zinging chemistry.

[Asker]

You make a lot of sense and I do agree that these are all things I can see possibly happening if not already. I just also can not see myself laving him. I think I'm gonna have to let this one go on longer and see for myself if these things happen or not. It just seems so wrong and like such a loss to let such an amazing guy go simply because your emotions lack.

[why-makoto-kun]

Thanks, I appreciate that. And I understand why you'd want to see for yourself; it's part of being young and I am just some crazy girl on the internet anyway, hah. :p

[Asker]

It also really tough because he really helps me out in life when I need it too. And I am his total first love and girlfriend. He would be so completely heart broken. I'm not sure I could ever do that to him. It would be so hard and such a life changer too. He is the one thing in my life that is stable and always therefore me. So important in my life.

[why-makoto-kun]

Do you have any friends or family you can rely on? What exactly does he help you out with?

Also, I think he doesn't fully "get" how you're feeling to accept things status quo, IMO. It's not really a loving relationship if one party is attracted and the other is not. It's like he's all "Omg I love you" and you're like "You're so nice, I wish I could love you too." It really sucks for both of you.

[why-makoto-kun]

Your situation reminds me of this song here: link

Lyrics: link

"You're so worth it, you are/But I wish I could feel it all for you"

[Asker]

your right, I don't think he fully understands either. But explained things quite clearly. I don't see how else I could without being all harsh. I do love him you know.

[why-makoto-kun]

Of course, you care about him very much, and that's great. But if you value sex in a relationship (and assuming he does too), you need to have the attraction.

[drjohno]

It's a pointless relationship. Break up with him.

Please, do it openly, give him the reasons why you're breaking up, and do not offer him any BS "we can still be friends" offer afterwards.

[Anonymous]

i had a pretty similar relationship but I realizes I was never in love I just kind of liked him because he liked me and the sexual attraction wasn't there from my side and actually I never wanted to sleep with him and I am a "everything or nothing" type so I decided that I rather focus on my studies than having a boyfriend which I don't really love

[kheserthorpe]

No. Break up.

Honestly, it sounds like both of you can easily find sexual chemistry with other people.

[Prof_Don]

Not enjoying communicating, AND not having sexual attraction to, your boyfriend, is a recipe for disaster.

Especially the 2nd one; imo sexual attraction is a KEY factor in differentiating "friend" from "someone to date".

[Billlewis]

If he's willing to give you the freedom to date and fuck other guys, then he might be the perfect boyfriend for you.

[Anonymous]

To me the physical part of a relationship is pretty important so I couldn't be with anyone that I wasn't sexually passionate about.

[BoobMan]

When did this happen? I thought you had a great sex life with your bf? Must've been the previous guy, huh?

[Asker]

No, this is the same guy from before... I don't know why you thought that :S.

[Eugene]

He's a nice guy. Put him in a friend zone and move on.

[Vandal]

Wasting your boyfriend's time and your own. Break up and get with that other guy.

"Does anyone think my boyfriend and I still stand a chance" - No way. I'd put every penny I have on that one not working out.

[Hamburgers]

Let physical attraction be your most important attribute and see where you end up in life (Romantically).

[Asker]

its not, but I is still important, such lies my dilemma

[Hamburgers]

Apparently, it's important enough to outweigh a "perfect boyfriend."

You know when you're on YouTube and you're watching a "Fail" video, and before it you're saying to yourself "Oh god, this is gonna be really bad...What a dumbass! How couldn't they see it coming!? XD"

Yeah..

[Asker]

You are being incredibly bias and judgmental. I don't even feel you understand my situation.

[Hamburgers]

You explained your situation in great detail. Contrarily, you have little to no information about me to make such assertions. So, no. You are the bias and judgmental person. Not to mention prejudice to assume these things of me. I'm just not going to tell you what you want to hear. I'm going to give it to you straight, maybe you're not used to that.

[Asker]

if you want to believe it will fail, that's fine. Your entitled to your opinion. Regardless, I do believe there is a chance for us. I've spoken to him about what was going on and we agreed we would just play it out and see what happens. Every situation is unique. That is my opinion and I am also entitled to it. Thank you though. ---as I reread your comment I realize I took it the wrong way. Sorry bout that.

[Breathe]

Most guys are gonna be boring to be around.. you gotta keep searching and not settle down. Give yourself some space and start meeting more people, its the most sensible thing to do

[Breathe]

98% of guys don't know how to be passionate and make you orgasm.. search for that rare 2% that does. most these idiots on this board will never know what that even means so just keep going, there's nothing wrong with longing for sexual and emotional exstacy

[syncheart]

How can someone be a Perfect Boyfriend yet no sexual attraction or depth?

[KrakenAttackin]

He is just like a pretty girl, he has never had to develop a personality.

[Janson]

I feel bad for this guy

[why-makoto-kun]

Me too.

[Breathe]

why? he's boring and unassertive

[Janson]

says you lol. You've heard one side of the story, and you already think you know this guy top to bottom xD

[Breathe]

no I actually read what she said.. try it next time

[Janson]

and ill say it again, you heard one side of the story and you already think you know this guy top to bottom. Read what I said next time

[Janson]

Or maybe you're the idiot for not understanding what one side of the argument means. As a matter of fact, you don't even understand why I even felt sorry for the guy to begin with. This is the problem with some of you dimwitted guys who are duped into thinking a girl wants a jerk. A girl was a confident guy, not a jerk off. That is why you got downvoted, because you don't have a clue about what women want. Don't waste my time kid..

[Janson]

wants*

[Asker]

No, I totally get why you feel bad for him. I decided to just talk with him about it. I told him he didn't need to be shy. When he wants to touch me to do it. We were more physical when he came to see me and it felt closer. He also didn't seem bothered by it, I was surprised. We agreed we would just take things one step at a time and see what happens. I do love him very much and in all other ways we are so good together.

[Asker]

And its true what you say about girls not wanting a**holes. I am turned off by them I find it very unattractive a guy who treats a girl with no respect. And yes, I do like a certain level of confidence in a guy. Anyhow, I'm really not sure how things will end up, but at leats him and I are on the same page now, and he expressed that he wanted to continue in the relationship anyway so we are taking it all steo by step. Cause he is most certainly something in my life I mustnot take for granted

[Janson]

Well you sound like a good girl, so I hope that it works out. Feel free to tell me how things go

[Asker]

Thanks :)

[Breathe]

its cause he's a nice guy and he has no passion. Find a jerk, hell be much better in teh sack and exciting to be around

[sexyasianboi26]

Why did you get downvoted? +1 for you my friend

[Breathe]

cause the wimps and prudes on this board don't like the truth lol

[Asker]

No trust me a**holes are a huge turn off to me. Some people just have natural chemistry more than others that's all.

[Breathe]

your last boyfriend, was he a "nice guy" ?

[Asker]

I broke up with him because I became disgusted by him in the end. The guy I am with now Is great in bed. That is not the issue. The issue is certain people feel more attraction to each other than others regardless of how handsome one is, or their attitude. Certain chemicals are more attracted to each other than others. Its that attraction that is missing.

[Breathe]

look I know all about chemistry. A jerk isn't someone who is necessarily cruel or mean to you, its more about his personality and how raw it is. A guy like james dean isn't going to put on fake social masks to please people around him and make them like him. He's going to be himself no matter what. That's what a "jerk" is. That's also what makes chemistry, that raw honest emotion that they don't filter. I guarantee that "jerks" are much more emotionally fulfilling than the nice guys

[Breathe]

and btw.. you might think your guy is good in bed but.. mediocrity knows best my dear

[why-makoto-kun]

"isn't going to put on fake social masks to please people around him and make them like him. He's going to be himself no matter what." -- If that is a jerk, I want one! Lol

[Breathe]

hehe easy to see why... its a nice breathe of fresh air from all the fakeness we are surrounded by