Dilemma: Two slight problem
1. His strength does not lie in speaking his thoughts, and so he is great for when I want to have someone who will listen when I need to vent. But he lacks the ability to give me those little pep talks one needs sometimes and perhaps the wisdom. When he speaks, it is very simple and it lacks depth. I also get bored talking with him on a regular basis because I do no feel intellectually stimulated by his lack of things to express in conversation. (He is such a sweet guy though and truly does love me and I love him)
2. Lack of sexual attraction.
He is so handsome, yet I just have never felt any from of sexual attraction towards him. The kisses feel like lips touching and I don't enjoy making out. I usually love sex, but with him, we barely ever do it and when we do, it feels more like a chore to me than anything.
I feel bad because he longs to hold me and see me when we are apart, and I don't feel the same way. I love spending time with him, though I enjoy the friendship side of it mostly and I feel guilty lying that I can't wait to cuddle him too or make love etc.
To make things even more complicated, I have a friend who is helping me in the studio with my music. Him and I slept together before I met my boyfriend. It was the best I ever had. Anyhow, we have so much sexual tension when we are around each other that we get argumentative because we are frustrated that we can not have sex. We feel a unique attraction, so we always need to take deep breaths around each other. It's painful.
I would never cheat on my boyfriend, but this situation has forced me to face the truth, that I lack sexual connection and depth with my boyfriend and it bother me a lot. I am also very sexually frustrated. This all makes me incredibly confused about everything.
Does anyone think my boyfriend and I still stand a chance and how, or do you think it is a lost cause? Can physical attraction eventually develop? Any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. ( We've been dating 10 months long distance, see each other about 2 times a month)
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Just some depth-based questions to make you think:
1) Physical attraction isn't enough (by itself) to sustain a long-term relationship. Eventually that desire fades, in which you need to have a deeper bond with that person. I understand you're talking about that depth, but the VIBE is targeted towards physical intimacy. For clear purpose as well, 2 times a month isn't enough to really connect with your inner cave-woman over this guy, phone calls/skype/texting doesn't compare to one second of them touching your skin.
2) Do you feel that this can cultivate a new found desire or do you feel exhausted from the mere presence of this relationship? When you're burned out, you're burned out. But if you want it to work, you can always find a way to maintain or increase that hope, you cannot however generate something from nothing; instead you must slowly build on the foundation in front of you. And again, is this something where you are changing him to meet your needs, or helping him for his own needs?
3) Why can't physical attraction develop? An example being "best friends" (one male, one female) and the guy just never got it and generally wasn't attractive in high school. But in later life, you all of a sudden find an attraction for him. Weird, seems like it comes out of no where but the truth is that it comes from how we feel internally. See #1 above and ask yourself if your needs are being met - if they aren't there are courses of action you can take (e.g. you don't see him enough like in the first question, then comes forth the choice you must make to go see him rather than having him see you, an inference being that he's a man and will reciprocate the more you put effort into him).
The general notion is not anything I'm referencing above.. It's actually about getting to how YOU feel about him and this situation. If you feel exhausted, there's no harm in admitting that and getting out before things get even more complicated (e.g. you guys dating for 2 years rather than 10 months, or having kids, maybe proposal, etc)
Thank you, I'm going to have a talk with him today and see what he says and thinks. Maybe if we are become physical more often and talk about what we need physically we will begin to feel that closeness. He usually shuts down when I try to talk to him about sexual fantasies and such but I will try again in a different perspective.
What a unique and yet completely true answer. So glad you didn't stick to any cliches! GAG needs more people like you!