My family loves my boyfriend more than me, what would you do? It's driving me insane.

[Anonymous]

I made the mistake of letting my boyfriend of two months meet my extended family when they came in for the summer. We live in a small, well-off suburb where everyone knows everyone, and a lot of people come back. Of course, my two uncles knew his dad and insisted on meeting him, because my aunt and cousins got to. Before I knew it, my mom was inviting him to every family outing without my permission. I've tried to talk to her, but she won't listen. I love my boyfriend, but I hate how he treats me when he's with my cousins. They all team up and mock me, and the fact that I'm the only one he's close enough with to tease makes me the target of nearly every remark. He runs off to play frisbee with the guy cousins, while I'm stranded on the beach watching the girls on the boat because I had to wait for him to drive up with my parents. My grandma affectionately calls him "My Jeff," as in hers. When we walk up to the family cottage we're met with a "JEFF, MY MAN! Jeffy boy! EVERYONE: Jeff's here!" from everyone seated on the deck, around ten minutes later I'll get a "hey Al." I just feel so horrible whenever he comes along. I haven't even had dinner with his family, but I'm super shy. They'll probably hate me. It's gotten to the point where my jealousy is getting in the way of my life. I feel absolutely worthless to everyone I love, and my confidence has plummeted lower than it's ever been. I'm only 17, and I'm sure Jeff will be the 'one that got away." Will I ever find someone that my whole family loves that much? My grandma will probably never get over him, and they'll all hate me for dumping him. Now, I feel like he's far too good for me after seeing how my family treats him. My mom told me I'm just a handful and hard to be around. She suggested that they like him because I'm more tolerable when he's around. She's always hated me, so I'm not sure her idea matches everyone else's. Am insane to be so upset over my family loving my boyfriend? What would you do in my situation?

[Anonymous]

They don't love him more than you. They just think he is a good match for you, and want you to be happy. If they really loved him more than you, then they would warn him not to date you, because he could do better. Just like they would warn you, if you brought home some loser. You have family issues I can tell, but you need to deal with them, and not blame it on your boyfriend being super awesome. This has nothing to do with your boyfriend, and everything to do with how you are not feeling accepted by your family.

[Asker]

You're right about that. It's just he makes it 50 times first when he won't even put his arm around or sit next to me in front of my family. All he does is criticize me. Lately, he's been getting super cranky and snapping at me, then going home at nine (He normally stays no later than midnight). He treats me like crap, and I can't take it anymore. I'm just too afraid of my family's reaction.

[Opinion Owner]

Of course he won't put his arm around you in front of your family. He doesn't feel comfortable around them, and doesn't want them to think he is using you for sex. I don't know about him criticizing, and treating you like crap, but with the way you seem to think your family loves him more, you may just be too sensitive or misreading him. If he really is mistreating you, then you should talk to him before breaking up. He might just be getting stressed about being around your family so much.

[Asker]

He chooses to be around them and asks them to invite him over when they're in town. I am sensitive, but only because he's suppose to be their for me and not them (at least not the entire time). Using me for sex is entirely different than putting an arm around me. Also, when he yells he reminds me of my dad, when he was abusive, before his classes.

[Opinion Owner]

He might not be the right guy for you, and his behavior might be inexcusable. However most guys don't feel comfortable putting their arm around their girlfriend in front of her family. As for him asking them to invite him over, he says that to be polite, not because he actually wants to spend time with them. Sounds like your dad has left huge scars that any guy is likely to trigger. You might not be ready to date anyone, until you have dealt with it. Have you had or considered therapy?

[Asker]

My parents won't let me do therapy, because they don't want me to talk about them.

[Opinion Owner]

Okay. That is not a good sign. I really think you should talk to someone about this, but I do understand that you are still living at home, and that limits your choices. I am actually more concerned about your family than your boyfriend. How much longer until you turn 18? You should be able to find someone to talk to without your parents permission then. There may even be free counseling available, or support groups in your area that could help you.

[Asker]

Jeff gets super pissed at me for not defending myself. He won't let me say "only one more year..." Even when I'm crying over something, he'll tear apart that little statement that I cling to. I've been counting down the months for years now, and I hate being around someone who won't let me have a goal I've been looking forward to reaching. I know it'll get better then.

[Opinion Owner]

I think that Jeff just doesn't know how to handle this well. He wants you to be strong and stand up for yourself, and that is a good thing, but I think that right now you need to raise your confidence so that you can be strong. You don't love yourself, and as a result you don't feel that you deserve to be loved, listened to, or understood. It hurts, but you don't see a way out, and the makes you feel powerless. You need to work toward higher goals than just moving out.

[Opinion Owner]

You need to learn to love yourself. You might want to invest in some self help books or look up how to improve your self esteem online. Right now you can be working toward loving and respecting yourself. When that happens you will stand up for yourself.

[maiez]

They just like them, you should tell your family how it bothers you. It seems like he's a great guy though so think.

[Asker]

I have told them that, and him too. They all just continue to mock me. Yes, I know how to handle my family's sense of humor, but not when it's all aimed at me. Plus, when I met his grandparents, all they did was brag about their travels and didn't even give me an opportunity to share mine or my family's. I've never felt so uncomfortable around an elderly lady as I did then, so it's not like I can click with his family as well as he does mine. How do I bring it up again without sounding whiney?

[maiez]

Well a thing grandparents are great at is bragging about their family. So usually when talking to a S.O's grandparents just bear with it, it doesn't need to be peachy. And if its your family's humor then you need to whine to them, or they won't understand because you're young.

[Anonymous]

I feel your pain. My ex gf's Mom loved me so much she basically all but abducted me once. I almost AMBER alerted myself.