Retroactive jealousy, insecurity, new relationship... help please?

[Anonymous]

The guy I'm dating now told me he slept with one of our mutual friends a couple months before we started dating. I usually don't care about those things, but this hit me like a ton of bricks!

She's GORGEOUS, very skinny and dainty, and very girly in her demeanor. She's everything I'm not. People say I'm not ugly, but I've always felt ugly (because I was bullied in high school) and because I've never gotten as much attention as she gets. I'm tall, I'm actually taller than this guy, and I'm not fat, but I'm definitely not skinny and I'm quite curvy, so I feel "large" due to my height and "heavy" body. I'm also not very "girly" in that I'm rather quirky, a bit shy and geeky.

I appreciate his honesty, and while I won't make a big deal out of this, it's kinda killing me. I'd preferred not knowing. I'd already "lost" a guy to her (because he liked her better than me), so to me she's always been this "threat". And now it's stupid, but I feel second best, and so ashamed of being this ugly monster compared to her.

She's part of our circle, so we always see her. Hence I'd rather not knowing, especially if it was purely sexual and nothing serious.

I don't wanna ruin my new relationship over something so small, he doesn't care, he said he loves me and he never even liked her as something serious, but you know... it kinda hurts.

[fabulouslyme]

How you're feeling is completely understandable but give yourself more credit! A "dainty" girly-girl might be qualities that fascinate you but obviously they don't your new boyfriend or he'd be with her and not you! You're obviously the one he wants to be with. I'm sure there are qualities you have this "skinny" girl could envy as well. I've always been somewhat of the girly-girl type myself and often times have envied the more 'tom-boyish' type of girls simply because it seemed they were always able to establish better relationships with the guys, could relate to them better & the guys seemed to take them more seriously rather just be seen as a sex object & taken advantage of like us girly-girl types often are. Its sounds like you're being smart enough to not show the discomfort you feel about the situation to your boyfriend and especially not in the presence of this girl. DON'T, as that would be your biggest mistake! I know its hard not to but just remember to be your cool self and everything will work out fine. Your boyfriend loves YOU, not her! And sweet she may seem... we all know what happens when we have too much of them, we get SICK! ;D lol The bright side of the situation is he's obviously had his fill of her (no pun intended, lol) so at least you can rest assure your boyfriend doesn't have any curiosity about her since he already knows! He tried that dessert and thankfully it wasn't his favorite... YOU ARE! ;)

[fabulouslyme]

NO! DO NOT BREAK UP WITH THE GUY! That would be your second biggest mistake! Don't listen to TheOriginalGentlemen! Yes, he's right about it being YOUR problem, but that doesn't mean you have 2go & ruin what could be a good relationship with someone you love & care about. Such behavior is what keeps therapists in business, lol!

[Papilotte]

very well said

[lumos]

Relax. If he wanted to be with her, he would be together with her. Not with you. So what you need to do is just accept the fact that he loves you! I understand that it was a blow to your self-confidence, believe me I've had plenty of those. But there are always people out there who will be more beautiful, skinnier, smarter, cooler, better etc no matter what you do or what you look like. So stop comparing yourself to her! It won't do any good. He chose you, not her.

[madhatters4]

I get your insecurity in this situation ESPECIALLY since she's come between you and another guy in the past. The fact is though he hooked up with her but he's with you so it seems clear to me that he likes you more than her.

I would just be watchful that this guy seems legit and into you but otherwise it seems like you've got agood guy on your hands. like you said you kind of wished he hadn't told you and he didn't have to tell you but it's a good sign that he did.

Try not to let your insecurities potentially ruin what you've got. If you like him try and push the thought of his hook up with her out of your mind

[TheOriginalGentlemen]

If it bothers you that much break up with the guy but only if you feel you can't find peace with the situation. Why be in a relationship that your uncomfortable in or feel like your in competition someone who isn't in your relationship just to feel loved or appreciated. An alternative to breaking up with him would be to talk to him about it but I will tell you no matter how you bring it up you'll come off as insecure (which in your question you admitted you are). This seems more like a "you problem" just being honest.