How do you deal with retroactive jealousy?

Question

Retroactive jealousy is when the current partner is feeling threatened or jealous over the partner’s past exes/relationships. I personally feel threatened by my bf’s most recent ex because she’s still in the picture (they work together). My boyfriend doesn’t give me a lot of reassurances, whenever I ask about his ex he would always talk about his other ex (not the most recent one). My insecurity is taking over and I just feel like he doesn’t even see his most recent ex as an actual “ex” because whenever we’re talking about the past he would always avoid talking about his last relationship…

I feel like I’m getting toxic but I’m having trouble dealing with this, any tips?

ohsheeT · Answer

Well this completely sucks because

He's not giving you any reasons at all to make him think anything else

First of all he knows what relationship what ex you're talking about but he doesn't want to bring her but conversation either because he's thinking that you're brain is not all the way there and he talks about the other one then that one's is invisible well that's kind of stupid

Okay the only thing I can say is that when you go into a relationship you go into it because you want it to work so you give 100% of yourself to this person and if the person can't give you 100% of them then you have to start thinking about stuff

And there's a list of things that you've are probably thinking about right now

If he was 100% giving himself to you and wanting it to work he would communicate to you about the ex that you're talking about the one that you he works with
But it's like he's trying to hide her like she's not even there and playing you at the same time

Anytime that I go into a relationship I have to ask myself am I ready and then I have to ask myself if it doesn't work are you going to be okay and then I tell myself I'm going to give all myself to this person and for some reason if they don't do the same thing am I going to be okay with that can I live with that is there a reason
Why is this person can't do that and then you kind of have to weigh it out and see

It sounds like you're invested in this guy

There's no reason to be jealous because you're giving yourself you are doing the right thing you can't be jealous of something that you cannot control you can't be jealous of the unknown and if you're jealous because she is getting more time than you well you can't really do that either because he works with her

We we are programmed to get jealous we are programmed to hurt and have pain and detoxing and have drama but that doesn't do anything for us all that is is a waste of time because somewhere down the road you have to wake up and acknowledge it do something about it and start all over

Just because he's not saying anything doesn't mean that anything's happening she could be truly in love with some guy and doesn't even think about her ex and goes to work each and every day knowing that she's strong she's doesn't have a problem with the ex because she's in love with this other guy she goes to work and she goes home goes to work and she goes home
And he knows this and maybe it pisses him off because he still likes her but he won't say anything to you about it because it will piss him off even more or it will sound like he's jealous

So I mean you are in a tough place because you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't so you have to find the confidence within yourself and say look at do I want to even be around this guy if he can't show me how much he loves me or communicate to me over something that is over between him and his ex I mean there shouldn't be a problem about that

But he's making one because he won't communicate to you the person who he's supposed to be with and loves right

So if you can't get jealous because you know that will cause all kinds of drama arguments

And if he's not going to communicate to you about her

Then you have to make choices because by not communicating to you it's making you think weird thoughts it's making you angry and that's not what this relationship is supposed to be about and that's what you need to tell them say look this is what I feel and explain to him why you feel that way because he's not being honest with you basically because he's not letting you in so he's not being respectful he's not treating you the way that he should what would he do if the shoe was on the other foot and you were working with your ex you could always try that I'm not into games but

Oh damn guess who got hired today my ex he's in the cubicle next to me this is going to be great
And he'll say what yeah he's talking like we are best friends or something I don't know we're all going to lunch tomorrow guess who's going to be there

You know that's not the right either I'm laughing right now because that's not right either but even at least get that vibe of what you might be feeling

But anyway let me go back so you can't make anybody love you that's the bottom line and if you try to make them do it then that's them not doing it on their own so that means it's fake anyway if he was to have an affair with her cheat with her that's not on you you can just wipe your hands clean and say thank you for showing me who you truly are and as you're packing your bags and walking out the door you could be thinking that well it happened one time with those guys and it's going to happen again with those guys and I'm just glad that I'm not going to be a part of it because that's what you have to do you have to find yourself and build yourself and have confidence in yourself to say you have done nothing wrong except for being a good person to this guy..

If he feels like he has to hide the truth from you or a lie from you it is a lie he can't be honest about anything because he knows who you're talking about when you say x you know that's in a form it's a lie and it's cheating and it's hurtful is what it is and you can't control that either I mean you want him to do whatever he's going to do because each time he does something he's proven himself to you as he truly is he's showing you right now who he truly is and you have to accept that and acknowledges and say I don't want to be around a person like this I'm way better than this I'm giving him my heart my soul and he giving me a runaround and if he can't be honest he can't be anything you know if he cannot be honest 100% honest with you you can't be anything else with you either he can't be your lover you can't be your friend because he's shut you off and making you think other things

If it was me I would think about it but I mean I already know my heart what I would do and that is I don't want to ever feel this way that's not what a relationship is all about it's not even close like you said it's toxic and I couldn't be a part of that because that hold you back from becoming who you truly want to become and where you're headed to get there and you thought you were going with him
So now you have to make a choice you either deal with it and accept it you can communicate about it there's nothing you can do about it but I would have a pre plan that how he acts if you ask him about it we'll tell you everything if he denies anything if you just still won't let you in and that means he is still either in love with her or he's not going to let her go and you can't be in a relationship like that so you have to make a plan

You have to get your stuff together your head clear out all the garbage that you're thinking because you don't know that's the whole thing about this whole thing is he's allowing you to have a buildup of garbage in your head because he can't be honest he can't he can't even be your friend and tell you the truth about any of it or make you even think I believe that she just works there and blah blah blah so he's not in my eyes that's almost worse than a lie because he has to know how you feel you've asked and asked about it that girl but what I'm trying to say is you need to just find yourself very quick like and be prepared make a choice you're going to have to walk out that door I already have something pre-planned pre-set up whatever because the moment you start packing your bags he's going to say what are you doing you need to be honest with him I can't live like this I thought you were a different type of guy and you won't tell me what's going on you want me to suffer I guess and put things into my head that go to my heart that make me feel like throwing the f*** up and if and if that is something you think is okay to do to me well I'm saying no it's not we should be able to talk about anything and you won't even acknowledge it so I'm going to have to go and when you find yourself and can prove yourself to me come talk to me otherwise you just have to go

Okay so that's the way I see and feel about it I'm not in this relationship so just because I think her I feel this way doesn't mean that I'm right so I want you to know that I don't want you to do anything stupid that I said but this is what I would do because that person would be holding me back and drama in your life is something to hold you back and waste time to get from getting to where you're going if you know what I mean in relationships there should be no drama whatsoever drama is kind of an evil drama is something that sucks you in and makes you start thinking about stuff that you there's no reason to think about and when that happens it changes your body chemistry and everything else and it starts to change you your heart your mind your soul your spirit

Anonymous · Answer

I'm very black and white about this. I know a lot of women that will ask this question WILL NOT take my advice. So I'm going to tell you what I'd do and that's the end of it. I don't want to hear what a great guy this is, or how he's different or what have you to make me soften my view or change my mind.

Relationships are difficult. But at thier HEART they're very simple. It's comes down communication and RESPECT.

Did you communicate your displeasure. I'm not talking about how you feel about it. I'm talking about what you COMMUNICATED to him. How did he respond was he dismissive? This is is step 1.

Step 2. You need to communicate what you expect. What you are willing to tolerate (it's up to YOU to be realistic in your expectations from him). And if needs be you need to lay down an ultimatum. He RESPECTS your boundaries or you're gone.

Step 3. You cannot waffle on this. If he doesn't respect your boundaries you need to walk away.

Nikki1989 · Answer

I don't deal with it. I want nothing to do with childish, insecure people.

How do you deal with retroactive jealousy?

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