Boyfriend wants "a couple days to clear his head" after argument. What should I expect?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I had a huge fight last night. We were both out having drinks at the bar where he works and, after one too many drinks on both of our accounts, we ended up arguing in public. Basically, I'd been feeling like he takes me for granted and hadn't bothered discussing it with him. And it all came out in the wrong way and at the wrong time. I know that he's been overworked lately and that we've both been stressed about our current employment situations, on top of trying to plan for our upcoming relocation. Now he feels that I've embarrassed him in front of his friends and colleagues, a mistake I also made just a few short weeks into our 7-month relationship that almost brought it to an abrupt end.

What he didn't know - and what I later told him when we were fighting back at home - was that yesterday marked 10 years to the day since I was raped. I hadn't discussed this with my boyfriend before. In fact, I've hardly discussed it with anyone outside of my therapist and my family. When I told him, he became angry that I didn't come to him with it before - especially, he said, since he'd been so open with me about his abusive childhood. And I received no empathy whatsoever - just anger. What I fail to understand is how he can be angry at me for choosing not to tell him about what happened, when he obviously can't or won't respond accordingly.

We slept on opposite sides of the bed last night and, when I woke, I leaned over to tell him that I loved him and that I was sorry for my behavior. He told me that he loved me, but later said that he thought we should spend a couple days apart because he was "still angry" and because he "need[ed] time to think."

While I understand that I could have dealt with the issues at hand in a more constructive manner and at a more appropriate time, I do feel a bit unapologetic given his reaction to my revelation. As I told him, it's not something I particularly enjoy discussing or thinking about.

I also don't particularly like the idea of "time off." I understand that he may need time to cool down, but I'm a much bigger proponent of talking things out in the immediate aftermath as opposed to waiting and then pretending that the argument never happened in the first place.

Thoughts? Is he trying to end things or does he really just need some time with no contact to cool down and work things out?

Updates

+1 y

UPDATE: He has text the past 2 nights to let me know he's gotten home safe. He says he "does love me" but that he needs more time. I asked him if we'd get thru this; he said he "hoped" and that he promised he'd try.

[Simple-Simonette]

There are times when emotions get so tangle up with each other all that is felt is frustration, which to me closely resembles anger.

I don't think he was really angry about your confession, I think it was brought up at the wrong place and the wrong time. What happened that night was emotional overload, and it seems normal to me that he needs time to sort through it all and determine his true feelings on this.

Reading between the lines, it seems to me there are issues you have yourself but are unwilling to admit.

1. You picked a fight in public about something very personal between you two knowing that it was one of the things that could destroy your relationship.

2. You confess to something terrible that happened to you in the past - which he never knew - to excuse your previous behavior. Such a thing would throw him in a tail spin, how can he honestly react to that?

3. I think some part of you resents that he was clueless to the damages done to you in the past - not consciously of course, but maybe you have unrealistic expectations about how well your boyfriend should know you. Maybe you dropped some heavy clues that he didn't pick up and it bothers you that he still didn't understand the damage that was done to you long ago.

Your behavior, to me (and I am no psychologist) indicates that you were hurting and you wanted him to know, especially on the anniversary of something so terrible. And since you couldn't just come out and tell him, you chose a way that you were forced to admit to a horrible incident in your past.

I feel for you, I really do. Most normal people have a hard time facing up to the ugliness they are responsible for, you have to deal with something horrible done to you - as a victim of certain crimes myself, I know how difficult it can be to separate the act from yourself. But he can't even try to understand that if he doesn't know about it.

If he really loves you - I think he will take the time to sort through his feelings and understand the motivations behind your actions. Though neither of you are to blame for this melt down - he was just reacting to your behavior and you were dealing with the negative emotions on this anniversary - he does have the right to be hurt. He has to peel back the immediate emotions, untangle the mess his mind is in, and work through until he understands it all. You gave him a lot to deal with ... it takes time to do. It is something that needs to be discussed, I agree that sweeping it under a rug is the worst way to handle this.

Kudos to you for being a strong survivor - being in a relationship is a testament that you can overcome the ugliness dealt to you. I think the fact it was the anniversary made you more vulnerable than usual, which is understandable, and in time this is something that you both can help each other with. If he can't, he doesn't deserve you.

Good luck - I wish you the best.

[Shlei3]

He's not trying to end it with you. He just needs a couple days to cool off and really let things sink in. To him, he entrusted you with a terrible secret. It's so hard to admit that you've been abused. He thought that you both were at a level of not hiding anything fom one another. When you came out with your secret it probably made him feel like you didn't trust him as much as he had you. Not only that but the fight was not a good thing either. I don't know what it was over but the secret was probably icing on the cake. Most women want to talk things out right away while guys typically need time to work out their feelings before they are able to talk it out. Even then, they aren't aces at talking about their feelings. As a compromise I would give him the couple of days and talk to him about it afterwards.

[sexycrystal54313]

from what you've said your boyfriends way of dealing with problems seem a lot like how I do, and I always need to take some time to sort things out in my head before I let lose, so I would give him the couple of days to cool off and sort stuff threw on his own, I think if he wanted to end things he would have said that, he just wants to take some time on his own to work out his thoughts on the matter instead of just saying what's going through his head which may make things worse

[Agsded]

yeah I don't get upset easy but when I do, I need cooldown time. I don't want to act rashly in a moment of anger. Sometimes I need days to think things through...sometimes only a few minutes. Anger clouds my judgment and doesn't allow me to think things through thoroughly. I let little things take on far too much importance. So, I'd say you should give him as much space as he needs...ya don't want to make thing worse by prompting him to action too soon. If he wants to think things through, he doesn't WANT to be angry with you. That is at least a little comfort.

[Asker]

Thank you. That is very reassuring at a particularly unsure time.