My boyfriend doesn't want me going to one of my best friends bachelorette parties? help!

[Anonymous]

i have a bachelorette party March 29th, it is overnight in NYC and is going to cost me at least 500 bucks, but the money does not concern me. the party is for one of my best friends and of course I want to go. I am 24 years old and this is my first bachelorette party, and of course I will have plenty more in the future. my boyfriend first said he doesn't want me to go because of the money (it will cost a lot, but it is MY money not his and frankly the money does not concern him). now he is saying he doesn't think its a good idea and he really doesn't want me going at all. I asked him if he was going to be mad if I go or if he would do something crazy like break up with me and he said "I can't answer that right now, I don't know how ill feel the day of." he went to his brothers bachelor party last summer they went to a strip club and everything and I was totally fine with it. we've been together for 3 years but he can be very controlling at times and he has a hard time compromising. I don't know what to do. I want to be there and all my friends are going, some who I haven't seen in years and it would be such a great experience. and I want to be there for my friend who is getting married. I think he's afraid of me being so far away for the night and him not having any control of the situation. if we were to come home that night I don't think he'd have a problem with it. I don't know what to do; do I go to the party and risk a huge fight or worse him saying I didn't respect his wishes and breaking up with me? its not fair of him to say I can't go and then to break up with me for it. I'm stuck I don't know what to do. after 3 years he should be able to trust me, I'm 24 and this is only the beginning of all the bachelorette parties I'm going to be going to.

[ilovelegs]

I say you should go and he should be expected to trust you. If he doesn't, then staying together will end up being years of his mistrust of you. Usually, a person that doesn't trust his girlfriend doesn't trust himself either. An old saying, "it takes a thief to catch one." I'm not saying anything bad about your boyfriend but obviously he's not the trusting type. Maybe that happens to be one of his weaknesses. Maybe he picked that up from home. Maybe he had some bad experiences as a kid. If he doesn't get over this weakness, you're going to miss out on many good occasions of fun you should be able to spend with your friends. You need to bring up the incident of his going to a bachelor party and compare it to yours coming up. Just because you've been together for 3 years doesn't mean that continuing to be together is the best thing for you. Maybe it's time for you to use this as a test to see how he might be in the future. As a woman, you need to keep at least some independence for your own good and a good man should give it to you. Good relationships are built on trust... complete trust! If he's willing to leave you because of your going to such an important party, I'd say he might eventually leave you for other things as well. You're going to be stuck in a relationship without much or no freedom. Once the fun of a new relationship wears off and the sexual excitement lessens, the real person stands out. He's acting like a little boy and I feel sorry for you. I say just be firm in a very nice way that you feel you should be entitled to go to your best friends bacherlorette party and that he should be happy for you. Assure him that everything will be okay and that you'll call him after it's over, and then start making plans to go. If he starts bucking you or making threats about leaving, then you'll know what you'll be facing in the future. If you rather stay with him even if that means missing out on some very good parts of your life, that's up to you. It's your life and you only live it once so the choice is yours how you want to live it. This is the time for you find out what kind of man you have. Good luck!

[Asker]

he keeps insisting that because I am not in the actual wedding party that there is no real necessary reason for me to go. to me it doesn't matter that I'm not in the wedding party, I was invited and it is a very close friend of mine and I want to be there for her. he keeps saying "I don't care do whatever you want I can't stop you but I don't know how I'm gonna feel or what I'm gonna do the day you go"... its like a test/threat. he wants me to be hesitant or scared to go. which makes it that much...

[Asker]

harder for me to make a decision. I know I will regret it if I don't go, but he doesn't really care or see it that way. he wants me to feel guilty about going and honestly it's kind of working.

[ilovelegs]

What will you regret most? Not going plus not being able to go to any of the future bachelorette parties, OR for not taking a chance on his present feelings, "I don't care do whatever you want I can't stop you but I don't know how I'm gonna feel or what I'm gonna do the day you go."? Do you see marrying the guy some day because his attitude about this really isn't that important to you? Is he your type in every other way and you seriously love the guy?

[Asker]

I have two more bachelorette parties coming up this summer and he is totally fine with me going to those.. one is for my cousin and one is for my boyfriend's sister in law. he feels like this one is just a huge waste of money and not necessary since I'm not in the actual wedding party... but these are all my best friends in the entire world and I would really love to celebrate with them. I do see myself marrying him because he is perfect in every other way shape and form...

[Asker]

I have two more bachelorette parties coming up this summer and he is totally fine with me going to those.. one is for my cousin and one is for my boyfriend's sister in law. he feels like this one is just a huge waste of money and not necessary since I'm not in the actual wedding party... but these are all my best friends in the entire world and I would really love to celebrate with them. I do see myself marrying him because he is perfect in every other way shape and form.

[Anonymous]

I think his attitude is both understandable and unacceptable.

Understandable because it's natural to feel jealous. You're going to be in an alcohol-fuelled, probably somewhat sexually-charged environment, and there's probably goign to be a lot of men there too. I must admit I feel jealous when my girlfriend goes out partying with her friends, even though it's a rare occasion anyway. But I don't show that jealousy.

Unacceptable, because ultimately you can't not go to your friend's bachelorette party. And, deeper than that, a relationship can't survive without trust. If someone's going to cheat, there's nothing that person's partner can do to stop that. In fact, one of my ex-girlfriends did cheat on me, but, because I allowed her to enjoy her freedom instead of policing her, I found out quickly that she was the cheating type, and instead of potentially wasting years on her, I found out in the first month and was able to dump her.

[Asker]

what bothers me the most though is that he has already been to one bachelor party and they went to a strip club. we are not having any male strippers involved, just going to dinner and some clubs/bars and then staying in a hotel room. and I had no problem with him going and I would never stop him from doing something. now he is saying it makes him too uncomfortable. do you have any thoughts on that? I have never been to a bachelorette party before and I was really looking forward to it.

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah, the problem is, you can never be 100% sure of someone else. That doubt, how ever little, can play on your mind.

He has to get over it, though, for your sake and for his own sake.

[Asker]

what do you mean by you can never be 100% sure of someone else? you mean you think he thinks I'm going to do something bad? you think he doesn't trust me?

[Opinion Owner]

The problem is, we can't read each others' mind. That's why you can never 100% be sure what someone else is doing or thinking. That's why you need an emotional connection and trust in a relationship.

He probably knows that you wouldn't cheat, but that won't stop him thinking about it. That's just human nature, but he shouldn't allow that to dictate his actions towards you. On the plus side, a little bit of jealousy is a good thing in a relationship. If he wasn't jealous at all towards you...

[Opinion Owner]

...that would mean that he didn't care whether you stayed with him or dumped him. But he needs to control his jealousy.

[Asker]

thanks for your help :) how would you feel about your girlfriend going to an overnight bachelorette in NYC?

[Opinion Owner]

I would feel jealous but I would never show it. I think the way I conduct myself makes me come across as confident. I know that if my girlfriend cheats on me, I can dump her and find another girl fast, and I think that comes across. But at the same time, the fact that I love and trust my girlfriend also comes across. So I think we're in a good place.

The funny thing is, the last time my girlfriend went to a bachelorette party, SHE seemed to be the one suffering from a little jealousy. I said...

[Opinion Owner]

...I wasn’t sure whether I was going out and, if so, where. As you probably know, guys are notorious for making decisions like that at the last minute! I didn’t say that to make her jealous, but it had that effect.

Also weirdly I’m always really horny when my girlfriend comes back. I think it’s a primal thing, the desire to show her that she’s still mine. If I’m honest, I get a buzz from being able to claim a woman as ‘mine’ both emotionally and physically. And I get that same buzz from...

[Opinion Owner]

...knowing that a woman considers me to be ‘hers’. I think most people feel that way about their partners. But it’s about striking a balance between this feeling and the need to let your partner have his or her freedom.

[Asker]

I wish you could say all this to my boyfriend because you are making perfect sense and I just love your attitude!

[Opinion Owner]

Hmm. Well, maybe you two need to talk, but don’t under-estimate the value of sex. My girlfriend is like me really, not controlling, but naturally can get jealous and it shows sometimes. When I come back from a night out, I make sure that she knows that she’s the only for me. There’s a little bit of theatrics involved (some things I sometimes say are a little over-the-top, like “Only your pussy can satisfy me”), but she loves it, and importantly the underlying feeling isn’t pretend at all...

[Opinion Owner]

...If you’re in an emotionally connected relationship, no other person can in reality satisfy you.

[Asker]

well that is exactly how I feel and I know that's exactly how he feels he just has such a hard time seeing the bigger picture of things and controlling his jealousy/insecurities. its very frustrating for me to deal with because I know there is no one else in this world who would ever compare to him and he feels the same way. I don't know why that can't be enough for him.

[sweetone]

It's a tough situation and I've been in it.. except I was in your boyfriends shoes. I did not want my boyfriend to go to his friends bachelor party at all. It was hard for me to accept the fact that he was going but I knew I was being unreasonable by asking him not to go. However, he and I weren't in a relationship as long as you two are. So what ended up happening is that I became resentful and I kept thinking about how he must not care about my opinion which must of meant that he didn't care much about our relationship.. We ended up breaking up.

Now that I'm a little older and have more dating experience I realize that the only reason why I didn't want him to go was because I was insecure inside the relationship.. I think you and your boyfriend should try exploring the real reasons why he doesn't want you to go. This means sharing real feelings... or digging them up and questioning. Being vulnerable. I really think it's important because given the history inside your story (first said it was the money, then said just not to go), he doesn't really know why but you can help him. And I think once you both understand each others true feelings it will create a better level of trust.

[Asker]

I agree with everything you're saying. its hard to talk to him because he has a hard time opening up and being vulnerable, but I will give it a try. I really want to go. he keeps saying he "doesn't know what's going to happen when I'm there"... meaning he thinks I'm going to do something stupid or disrespectful to him. he went to a strip club and I didn't care! its very frustrating.

[Anonymous]

No! You go! That's not fair to your friend. He is being a hippocrite.

Tell him I'm sorry you feel that way but one of my best friends is getting married and I will go. Don't let yourself be controlled. I'm around your age and my boyfriend and I have been together a long time he goes to his friends and I go to myne. It shouldn't be a problem it's all about trust.

[yaddayaddayadda02]

When you date a manipulative, controlling man, your choices are to stick with the "love" you have for him, or be a rational, independent human being. That's your choice to make.

[Asker]

didn't think of it that way.. he also thinks that because I'm not in the wedding party I don't have any reason to go to the bachelorette party... but regardless it is one of my closest friends from childhood and I feel I belong there just as much as anyone else.

[yaddayaddayadda02]

I don't blame you for wanting to go. And if you were uncomfortable with him going to bachelor's parties, I can see him feeling the same way about you going...shady shit can happen at them.

[Asker]

I wasn't uncomfortable with it though... I mean I wasn't happy and excited about him going to a strip club but it was for his brother's bachelor party and I wasn't going to tell him I didn't like it. I got over it and never once made a big deal about it or said he couldn't go. it's a part of life and I trust him. I'm not trying to take experiences away from him or control how he lives his life. I'm not sure why he is uncomfortable with me going when he already went to one...

[yaddayaddayadda02]

Because he's a controlling manipulative ass. Logic doesn't apply.

[Ilovezombies]

You should go. You will regret it if you don't.

[JennieF]

Go. Enjoy.