Search Results: afraid to tell her

So this question is mainly to girls but I do be happy to get answers from guys too.

First, I'm 17 years old (even though my profile is showing its 37 because of my sis messing around when I was making my email) and has never been on a relationship.

I used to have a nextdoor neighbor boy younger than me as child and we were such good friends that we'd cry when one isn't home, he moved away shorty after his dad died of cancer, after I finished my first year of elementary school and I felt empty (still dreaming of him occasionally, I don't know if he still remembers me and afraid to meet him again)

I had no younger cousins as my dad is the youngest

When my mom joked about wanting a third child I took it seriously and excitedly told her it has to be a boy! But she never got pregnant out of consideration of our financial situation as mid-class family.

Mom said: "Kids are expensive, grow up and give birth to your own little boy, don't turn to your poor mommy." I still remember the words vividly because of how painfully it hit me!!

Then I set my eyes on my maternal aumt when she got pregnant after getting married late (32-34), the bravest thing I did as kid outside is to poke my classmates to say my aunt is excepting a child and I'm going to be an older sister. When my younger brother turned into a younger sister, not even my favorite milk coffee got my mood better, but I did squeeze a smile to aunt and tried hugging the newborn when they took her home.

The impact of not getting a younger brother has influenced my ideal type.

My preferences leans to a boy a bit younger than me, an extrovert (I'm an introvert) and takes me for places (I'll gladly pay for his bill), NO DRUGS, smoke or drinks, tattoos are fine but piercings gives me chills just by looking, bold, lean-bodied, don't care for only his enjoyment and pull me in his activities, listens when I turn on my chatty mood just as I do for him, caress my hair, see more than one side of me and a bit shorter than me