Search Results: getting played

I tend to find a lot of people irritating therefore avoid them. I think people can tell when I don’t want them around me.. I hate it when strangers come into my personal space, touch me or if I can smell their bad breath or hygiene issues. I think I have more of an issue with this than most people do.
I also don’t see much point in talking to someone unless I can get something out of them or I really enjoy their company like I find them interesting etc. Whenever I’ve had friends, I’ve noticed I drink too much at the pub and completely dominate the conversations, I like the attention all on me.
I always feel sort of numb, bored or maybe depressed. but I also ruminate and stress very easily, leading me to feel like I have to control situations or avoid them. If I have to work in group activities at university, I zone out and can’t concentrate because I find it overwhelming and don’t see the point of contributing unless I’m the leader however I’d still much rather sit back and do nothing or just do what I’m told to do etc. I used to get very good grades at school without much effort… now I’m struggling and scraping by with passes at uni because of poor time management and having random special interests distracting me.

I also feel the need to be somehow better than others.. this is why I like being a musician… a lot of the people on my uni course can’t play their instruments that well and I feel superior to them because of that.. however I feel upset if they do better than me in assessments. I also get massive anxiety if I feel like I won’t perform well, but if I know my parts well I get a bit egotistical … even as a kid I loved the attention from performing and playing instruments. I also love getting positive attention from lecturers and even seduced one and had sex with them to sort of “test” if I could win him over, but at the same time I was also very infatuated with him for no logical reason at all. I think I wanted to see how far he would go with me.

okay, here's some background knowledge. he's 3 years older then me,4 grades higher, and my sister is 2 years older then me and 1 year younger and 2 grades behind from him. lets call him pineapple. so pineapple is much closer to my sister then me. for example, he follows her insta and always gives her second opinions on her photos, and she follows him back and they go through eachothers phones sometimes. but i also noticed her usually doesn't look at my sister a lot, but mostly at me. pineapple also pulled up a picture of himself flexing in the mirror, and me being curious i said 'why are you looking at muscly men bro' and then he said 'thats me-?' and i just looked embarrassingly away. also on my sisters side she always act so.. different around pineapple like bubbly- and with this snob tone. but! pineapple hates when anyone is left alone like he's protective about everyone-. buttt when we went skiing and i was left alone he said' bro why'd (brothers name) leave you he wasn't supposed to' and then i said 'he told me i was too slow' and then pineapple ended up waiting for someones to watch me (this because i have a very bad sense of direction) and i ended up getting lost and getting level 2 frostbite and early stages of hypothermia, and once i told our group that pineapple looked almost surprised and worried. now on new years pineapples buddy, grape, fell asleep on my hand. and pineapple kept like side-eyeing us a bit, and i was confused since i was out of it. also also! we were going to play ghosts in the grave yard but my brother didn't want to team up with me since it was uneven so i ended up going to my room, changing out of my dress and watching squid game, but little did i know they ended going inside and not playing. and im still wondering why! but the more i think about it he likes my sister more then me. is this because of my age gap or is since i shy away a lot? grape also liked my sister whom i look like?