The whole modern world has divided itself into Conservatives and Progressives. The business of Progressives is to go on making mistakes. The business of Conservatives is to prevent mistakes from being corrected," ~ G.K. Chesterton.
From the the former's insistence upon gender neutral pronouns to the latter's opposition to marijuana, you are both about the stupidest bunch of individuals I have ever encountered. Granted, I still think that our parties are more sensible than in places like the United Kingdom and Canada, but even so, they are still about the most harmful and parasitic institutions in our country. Tearing away at the very fabric of our republic itself, taking turns as they lead our country further into ruin - these two tyrants have been at the forefront of our country's destruction for almost the past 200 years now. And frankly they have overstayed their welcome. The day both parties die will be the day our country can finally breathe a sigh of relief as the third parties take the wheel after waiting for so long.
Starting with the liberals,
You are a Bunch of Self-Righteous Posers!
It was never about 'tolerance' nor was it about 'diversity,' let alone social justice and 'progress' in the true sense of the word. Leaving aside your blatant double standards and total hypocrisy for the moment, when have you ever actually challenged the preexisting social order? Because apart from a few superficial battles waged in the name of political correctness - gender neutral pronouns, micro aggressions and all that bullshit - the very fabric of American society is still the same. Not even the Civil Rights Movement and Sexual Revolution were as "revolutionary" as you would like to think. Minorities always existed in the United States, as did promiscuity although it was brushed under the rug. Both of these movements merely garnered wider recognition for the preexisting social order, but in no way did they actually change or overthrow it in the true sense.
The same can be said about your odd sexual fetish for Islam and homosexuality. There are always going to be gay people, and likewise there are always going to be Muslims. And I'm sorry, but did you really think that mixing homosexuality with the barbaric death cult that is ontologically opposed to their very existence was going to end well? Not all differences can be brushed under the rug so easily. The power of ideology cannot be ignored. The inevitable tension that arises when the two collide is always going to be a problem in a diverse and multicultural society. This is precisely why these differences need to be addressed, so that we can prevent disasters like this from happening:
I mean, even I could have saw this coming from a mile away. You cannot force our differences together in the sludge of State-enforced conformity and then expect for there to not be tragedies like Orlando. Islam and homosexuality was a powder keg waiting to go off. It did not take a rocket scientist to see that. But no, you liberals were so fucking retarded that you feigned blindness for the sake of the political correctness, and look where that got you: fifty innocent LGBT people DEAD!
Their blood is on your hands. Orlando was your fault.
Thus in that regard, you 'liberals' - if you even deserve to be called such - are not much different from American conservatives. Both of you accept the same preexisting social order. Neither are truly concerned with 'progress' or changing said social order. It is merely a difference in attitude.
So please, step aside and let the real Slim Shady stand up.
Meet the late great Christopher Hitchens (1949-2011), renowned atheist whose liberalism truly embodied the ideals of the classical left. This was a man who - for better or for worse - grasped the true difference between liberalism and conservatism, and in all regards chose the former. He saw that the difference went beyond politics - that it was a case of two competing metaphysical worldviews that would never be reconciled with one another. That of tradition, God, and authority with that of progress, Man, and liberty. Hitchens was beyond political correctness. He was beyond your petty SJW brigade. He saw that there was not room in the West for both ideologies, that coexistence between true liberalism and conservatism was impossible - one would have to go. He knew full well that the vision of liberalism entailed violence, revolution, and streets soaked with blood, that there could be no traces of authority, hierarchical structures, or tradition. And it was a vision he was willing to embrace until his dying day, even after a long and agonizing battle with cancer.
So to all you posers and fake American liberal wannabes: fuck you.
Moving onto the conservatives,
Quit Pretending to be Something You are Not!
It was never about 'authority' nor was it about family values, let alone God and 'tradition' in the true sense of the word. For fuck's sake, that Protestantism you adhere to so much was founded upon divorce, rebellion, and innovation. It has no connection with historic Christianity or its Greco-Roman legacy like Roman Catholicism and Eastern Orthodoxy. How many of you proto-atheists even know who the Cappadocian Fathers are or what the seven Ecumenical Councils were about? Leaving aside your blatant double standards and total hypocrisy for the moment, when have you ever actually affirmed the value of family, God, and tradition? Because apart from a few superficial battles waged in the name of American puritanical culture - censoring nipples, keeping marijuana illegal and all that bullshit - the very fabric of our society is still the same: that is, incredibly liberal.
The same can be said about those founding fathers whom you revere so much, the majority of whom were classical liberals that held a neutral view of religion at best. Even the Constitution itself - that fabled, 300 year old document that you liken to scripture as if it were inspired by God Himself - was/is rooted in the secular ideals of the European Enlightenment, making it about as liberal as it gets. That said, I hate to burst your bubble, but anyone still stupid enough to believe that the United States is - or was at any point in time - a 'Christian nation' would do well to google the 'Jefferson Bible' for a more accurate assessment of how our founding fathers felt about religion and particularly Christianity.
So please excuse me for being a pretentious dick, but you morons are just so fucking fun to troll that it is not even funny. Gangster rappers have been doing it since 1988. Sports Illustrated has been doing it with their swimsuit issue since 1964. It was N.W.A and then it was Marilyn Manson. It was Cosmopolitan with "SEXY SEXALICIOUS SEX" plastered on the cover and it was Kate Upton's massive breasts. The "War on Christmas" is a favorite of mine. Tell me how blasphemous I am for replacing "Christ" with "X" even though "X" is actually the Greek initial for "Christ" and has been inscribed over my Church's icons for centuries now. But I digress, did you really think that there was ever anything even remotely 'conservative' about the nation that was founded upon the rebellion against a traditional European monarchy? I guess we'll just pretend that Romans 13:1-7 does not apply, and that sex before marriage is somehow justified if you are in a "serious" relationship.
Conservatism in the true sense does not even exist in America.
Thus in that regard, you 'conservatives' - if you even deserve to be called such - are not much different at all from your American liberal counterparts. You both accept the same preexisting social order - one that has nothing to do at all with family, God, and tradition. The only difference is that the former are a bit more aware of this fact while you remain in denial. Their fault is in doing nothing to change it. Your fault is in refusing to accept it for what it is: the product of liberalism.
So quit jerking off to the Constitution and behold what true conservatism looks like,
Meet his majesty King George III (1738-1820), European monarch whom the American colonists rebelled against and whose office symbolized everything that true conservatism stands for - family, God, and tradition. So frankly, if you value conservatism in the true sense, then the first thing you can do is take that Constitution you revere so much and use it as toilet paper. Because as it is, there is nothing even remotely conservative about America. Until then, you are just blaming nipples, marijuana, and gay people for your weird puritanical hangups.
To all you hypocritical, self-righteous American liberals,
Behold the flag, heterosexuality, and whiteness
To all you puritanical American conservatives pretending to be something you are not,
Behold boobies, marijuana, and gay pride.
Are the two of you offended? Good. Because I want to offend you.