Surviving Child Molestation: Breaking the Silence

Surviving Child Molestation: Breaking the Silence

Have you ever thought about an event that took place in your life and wondered how different things would be if that event had never happened? I was 7 years old when the unthinkable happened to me. Something that turned my world upside down. I was molested.

Backstory

I was always a quiet kid. I didn't talk a lot and I guess you could say that I was introverted even back then. Most of the times I was in a corner playing by myself or reading despite having siblings that were close to my age. When I was in 2nd grade I used to have to go my aunt's house after school to wait for my older sister to pick me up. I liked going there because I got to play with my cousin that was a year younger than me. My 3 older cousins lived there as well. All of them were boys. The 2 older ones were teenagers.

The first time it happened, I was upstairs doing my homework. My then 14 year old cousin came upstairs and started to talk to me. This wasn't unusual. But what came next was. I won't go into full details, but he started to touch me inappropriately over my clothes. And I didn't like it. I knew even back then that it wasn't right. But he didn't stop, even after I asked him to. He only stopped when his little brother came up. It happened 2 more times that I can remember vividly. The one that stands out the most and that I've played over and over in my head countless times, is the time that he touched me underneath my clothes. Up until then he hadn't done that. I was wearing a romper type outfit that was really stretchy and he made me come stand in between his legs while he did it. In front of 2 of his two younger brothers. I remember feeling sad and confused. And wanting to cry. But I learned that if I protested or got upset that it only made things worse. So I said nothing. Not long after that incident, my family moved and I switched schools so I no longer had to go to my aunt's after school. But the damage was already done.

It Changed Me

After those incidents, I remember becoming angrier. At little things. And more frustrated. I never told anyone about what happened. Partly because I didn't want to get into trouble. And I didn't want him to. I was a 7 year old and even though I knew something wasn't right about what happened, I guess I was still in the not wanting to be a tattle tail phase.

I also noticed that when playing with my sisters I became more bossy and a bit meaner. We were big house players. We didn't have any brothers so we usually just never had a "daddy" in our pretend house. After the incidents happened I no longer wanted to play "mommy". I now wanted to play "daddy" and I wasn't always nice. I even went through a phase where I did inappropriate things with my dolls. And wanting to be a boy. Thinking back on it, having that happen to me pretty much set the tone for how I'd interact with guys later on in life. I didn't even know how to act around them for the most part. Middle school was especially hard because the boys were so mean to me there. I was a lot more developed than other girls my age. Those same boys that would tease me in front of everyone would corner me when I was by myself and make me let them touch me. They'd tell me that if I let them put their hand up my shirt that they would be nice to me in front of others. So I let them. But they were never nice, and if I refused to let them, they were even meaner. I was noticing a pattern now with guys. So I stopped trusting them and pretty much started to hate them. I even tried to make myself like girls in a romantic way, but it didn't work. I couldn't stop myself from liking guys, even though I didn't trust them. I met my first boyfriend and thought that I had finally found a good guy. I was wrong. He cheated and broke up with me because I wasn't ready to have sex. Same thing with my next boyfriend. I went to college and still ended up losing my virginity before I was ready to, but I was scared to say or do anything to stop it. And that just became another secret that I kept to myself for years.

After losing my virginity, I pretty much swore off guys. I didn't want anything to do with them. For a long time I willed myself to not think about what happened when I was a kid. I locked the memories away. I actually thought I had forgot. Until I had to face my cousin. I hadn't seen him in years. Everything came rushing back. I was angry and devastated at the same time. And I wanted nothing more then to run to my mom. But I couldn't. Because she still didn't know. No one did. But I had to let it out. So I mustered up the courage and I told my best friend everything. Including losing my virginity. And I felt a little better afterwards.

Today

What I didn't realize was that I was blaming myself all those years. I felt like maybe if I had said something after the first incident I could've saved myself. But there shouldn't have been a first time. He was old enough to know better. I was just a little girl. To this day I still haven't told anyone in my family. I've wanted to but just never knew how. I know my mom. I know she'd blame herself. And she'd want to go straight to him and I don't want that. So I just have always hid it. But lately I've been thinking a lot about breaking my silence. I feel like it would lift a weight of my shoulders. So I've decided to write her a letter. And hopefully I'll be able to give it to her.

I saw a few questions on here about this subject so I decided to share my story. Maybe it'll encourage someone. Maybe it'll let someone know that they aren't alone. I encourage you to talk to someone. Keeping it in only causes more problems in the long run. And always remember that it's not your fault. I can't say that you'll forget I know that I never will. But letting someone in and actually talking about it does help. It helped me realize that I am not what happened to me. It doesn't define me. It doesn't make me who I am.

So whatever you may be going through just remember that. And thanks for reading.

Surviving Child Molestation: Breaking the Silence
7
13
Add Opinion

Have An Opinion?

Most Helpful Guy

  • Anonymous

    What to do when nobody believes you?
    Because I'm a guy, nobody believes me when I way I was raped by my aunt when I was 12.

    I told my best friend, that piece of shit told me that I enjoyed it for sure, that I shouldn't make a big deal of it.
    The year after that, I was bullied by the girls of my year. All of them. I did a depression at 13.

    Today I'm 17, and I still don't trust women.
    I shake whenever one is near me, even if it's my own sister, the only exception being my mother.
    But she didn't believe me. Saying that I should not say things that horrible about my aunt, " my family".
    What a joke. Thought, I'm jealous of you. How are you able to live like that?
    Glad for you, hope I'll be there one day

    Is this still revelant?
    • Anonymous

      Well first off thanks you for reading. And I'm sorry that you had to go through what you went through. I haven't come across a person that didn't believe me, but it is a fear of mine. It's a hard thing to deal with and people are insensitive. You told them and them not believing you is on them. Not you.

    • Monsters

      Fear...
      Past..
      Shadow
      Lurks
      Following
      Haunting
      Dark
      Silent
      Alive
      Burning
      Scorching
      :(

Most Helpful Girl

  • xHoneyxBeex

    Wow, I'm so sorry this happened to you. It took a lot of courage to share your story and I think that's definitely a step in the right direction. I'm sure when you do finally tell your mother, that she will have a mix of emotions. Yes, it's possible that she may blame herself, she may be sad, upset, and shocked, but I still think telling her would be for the best. Letting her in and being honest about what happened can only help in the healing process.

    Is this still revelant?
    • Anonymous

      Thank you for your kind words. I thought that sharing it here first might help. I know that telling her will make me feel better, just gotta get up the courage.

What Girls & Guys Said

126
  • ButterSauce

    I blocked that stuff out of my memory. When i was 21 it all came pouring out and i was such a mess. Anyone i talked to, i mean anyone even therapists, did not and have not helped. Rather they put me down or blame me or tell me I'm making it up. I think for anyone else including yourself, get a secure and supportive circle. a good attitude towards live will help loads as well, thank you for sharing. You are brave.

    • Anonymous

      Thank you very much. I've learned that suppressing it only makes it worse. I really want to tell my family.

    • I told my family but they suck. They literally just pretended i didn't say anything and pretend that my life is easy. I don't regret telling them though. Now they know and now i know that they are not good people for me to be around. I told one boyfriend (my last one of 11 years) he was atotal d-bag about, he's the one who said i was making it up. And i told a few girl friends but they tell me the same has happened to them. And i have told one guy who currently ignores me so hard it makes me want to scream. He knows how private i am in person and i feel vulnerable For opening up to him. Therapists piss me of, but at least they listen lol

    • You should tell people. Even if they react rudely, they need to know. Be strong.

    • Show All
  • Meedo

    This was hard. I sincerely wish and pray that it gets better for you. Please see a therapist. I am praying for you

    • Anonymous

      Thank you for your prayers. And thank you for reading.

  • hypno-trip

    I'm happy for you coming to terms with your past. It's an unfair thing to happen to anyone. It encourages me to have more empathy with the average person. thanks for you mytake.

    • Anonymous

      Thanks for reading. It's definitely unfair. I'm glad that it encourages you. You never know what someone has been through.

  • Hannah591

    My parents found out about what happened to me and they told me to just not tell anyone and basically deal with it. It bothered me for a while but I've gone through worse since so it's minor compared to what I've dealt with in my teenage years. It's just another thing to add to the list of reasons why life's shit.

    • Anonymous

      That's rough. There's no such thing as "just dealing with it." If it were that simple then so many people wouldn't be screwed in the freakin head after going through it. I think that that's another reason why I haven't told many people. People are extremely insensitive. I'm sorry that you went through that. And thank you for reading.

    • Hannah591

      Well I think my mum didn't know how to manage it and she does feel bad about the whole thing but I guess it's something the whole family puts to the back of their mind.

    • Anonymous

      That's understandable. It's tricky because a bad reaction could make the entire situation worse.

  • emmabee11

    Tell your mother they need to know, think of the other girls he may of done it to, that he will do it to... please break your silence to them

    • Anonymous

      I'm working on it. It's hard. But thank you for reading.

    • emmabee11

      no probs. i get guys thnking i'm super gulible just because i'm nice enough to give people a chance to prove themselves and because i have a baby face so they try to manipulate me and push me down to get what they want (doesn't work though i just get annoyed lol), so i get what jerks some men can be, i get guys just totally making fun of me and taking advantage when i do fancy them too, i don't regret my sexual experiencs though because i wanted to but i know how awful guys can be.

    • Anonymous

      Yeah, I haven't had pretty much any good experience with guys. Some are only out to use you for what they can and then treat you like crap.

    • Show All
  • Monsters
    • Anonymous

      I read what you wrote and I'm sorry that you had to go through that. I know how it can eat at you and just make you miserable but I commend you on taking your life back.

    • Monsters

      Thanks you know i dont have it completely... sometimes i get bad flash backs

    • Anonymous

      Unfortunately those are normal. I get hit with flashbacks as well.

  • Alexzktra

    I'm glad yr coming to terms w/this and realising it wasn't yr fault--thanks for sharing <333

    • Anonymous

      Thank you for reading.

  • RationalLioness

    I'm so sorry that you went through that...

    • Anonymous

      Thank you. And thank you for taking the time to read it.

    • You're welcome!

  • Mar1na

    I got so emotional while reading this... we have so many similarities by the way. it's weird...

    • Anonymous

      Well thank you for reading. If you need to talk off the threads about anything I can message you.

    • Mar1na

      yeah please do it
      i need to ask you something

  • muspelhem_5

    Wow. Amazing take.

    • Anonymous

      Thank you and thanks for reading.

    • Thanks for sharing.

  • kartik1111

    Thank you ! This will help me a lot !!!

    • Anonymous

      No problem. Thank you for reading.

  • gobsmacked3

    Never advisable, but i got through due to Denial

  • BaileyisDarcy

    I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

    • Did not mean to post that yet.
      I've never been molested (Thankgod) but I can empathise with those who have and my heart absolutely breaks for everyone who's had to go through that.
      I have been abused, so I sort of know how you feel, and I know it isn't easy but you need to tell your parents. It helps talking about it it's hard as hell, but it helps.

    • If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm more than happy.

    • Anonymous

      Thank you so much and thanks for reading.

  • Anonymous

    I went through something similar, at around your same age. Except, I was raped by my cousin. This happened while my brother, 8 years old at that time, watched. My brother was just hysterically laughing, while I got raped.

    I didn't tell my parents. I don't remember much of the aftermath. My brother and I never spoke of it. Life continue as if I was never raped. I do know it had an impact on me. At an early age I become sexually active. Sex was just sex. I wasn't a virgin. I never was. I got pregnant at an early age, due to my reckless behavior.

    I was 15, when I decided to speak up. I told my father about the incident. I explained to him how my brother witnessed. After speaking up, my mother never once spoke about the subject. Never acknowledge it. As if my father never told her.

    To this day, I don't know if my parents believe me. They continue to talk to my rapist. He is part of the family. Never shunned. I opt out attending family get together. To avoid him.

    Now as a mother, my main concern is keeping my children safe. They can't play outside without my supervision. They can't go over to another friend's house. They are not allowed any where without my presence. I would kill for my children. I would not let them go through what I went.

    • Anonymous

      Thank you for reading and I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. I stopped going to family functions as well. And to this day I still tense up and get uneasy around him. I don't have kids yet but I'm work with them and I don't really like males around. If and when I do have them I know I'll be just like you. I would no doubt go to jail if someone did that to my daughter.

      Thank you for sharing your story.

  • Anonymous

    You are so brave for sharing this. It made me feel a little better because I experienced it too At age 8. Thank you for sharing.

    • Anonymous

      You're welcome and thank you so much for reading.

  • Anonymous

    For some reason I feel like I was molested by a very very close family member. I don't know why I think that. But I feel dirty. This is the first time I've told somebody.

    • Anonymous

      Were you touched inappropriately by someone?

    • Anonymous

      I don't know. I feel like I was. I used to cry about it. I didn't wanna accuse anyone. But I have certain memories of me laying on top of "him"

    • Anonymous

      Seems like you're suppressing it. Have you thought about telling someone?

    • Show All
  • Anonymous

    It have also happened to me. I think I was four, I barely remember anything only that it hurt, so much and that I screamed and cried. It was this foster kid/my brothers friend we took care of who molested me. Sometimes I think it was all just a creepy dream, and I go ask my mother about it and she gets this sad look and tells me it actually happened. That it was real. The only thing that is real to me is that I can feel the pain and the hollowness sometimes, like I know that there was something that changed me but I can't reach it. And I can never tell my friends about this, I just told my BFF and she barely could believe it, I don't even think she remembers it, that she too think it was a dream.

    • Anonymous

      I'm sorry that you even had to go through that. It's a messed up situation that nobody should have to go through. It definitely changes you, but like I mentioned above you can't let it define you. I did for years and it made me feel even worse. I'm learning that it helps to talk about it.

      Thank you for reading and sharing. And again, I'm so sorry that you had to experience it.

    • Anonymous

      Don't be. I feel that it was bad but it made me the person I am today and I like me.

    • Anonymous

      Good for you. That's the way to be.

  • Anonymous

    That's really tough. But I can say one thing: this experience can make you mentally stronger if you let it. You can learn from it. You can talk with people who have gone through this and help them understand. You aren't alone.

    I debated telling this next part but I decided to so I hope it doesn't offend you. As a guy I understand where they come from. It doesn't make it right but it is biology. They felt compelled to do what they did and it was not your fault. They either don't know better or they choose to anyway.

    But don't think for a moment that all guys are this way because they aren't. Even the ones who feel compelled to do things like that can stop themselves because they can choose to.

    • Anonymous

      Believe it or not, I've tried to see where he was coming from and why he did it. But I don't get it. I hate that it happened to me. As far as the whole guy thing goes, I honestly don't think that I'll ever fully trust any of them. But thank you for reading.

    • Anonymous

      The best way I can explain it is like this: it feels sort of like you're hungry. It's just an impulse. It's just desire that some people either don't know to control or don't care enough to control it. Whether you can trust them or not will ultimately be up to you. But I can say that the vast majority of guys aren't that way, at least once they mature. I would suggest you talk with a therapist if you get the chance. I bet it would be quite helpful! You're welcome. It was an interesting read. We/I appreciate you opening up.

    • Anonymous

      Thank you. I appreciate tour input.

    • Show All
Loading...
Loading...