Getting Back In Ex's Life After Being Too Needy

[Anonymous]

My ex and I have been broken up a few months now. She's really busy with school/work and other stuff in her life - one of the main reasons we broke up. I didn't respect her own time alone enough. I tried to get too much of her time when she had a lot of other things on her plate. I've learned my lesson.

Anyways, I know she still has feelings for me and I of course still love her even though I am over the relationship. With that said I want to make things work and start new.

How do I go about doing this without invading her space again? We still talk once a week or so and we get along great.

Don't tell me to move on. It's not helpful and I'm way past the begging, pleading, desperate stage. I have pretty much moved on, but I know I love this girl and would love a second chance.

Updates

+1 y

Called her Sunday ... she didn't answer. She texted me a little later saying she was at a family thing and sorrys he couldn't talk. She texted me again the next day saying sorry about yesterday and kind of asked what I wanted.

Updates

+1 y

I told her "no worries. I just wanted to talk." That was Monday and I haven't heard from her since. I'm going to try again tonight.

Updates

+1 y

I tried to call again Thursday and no answer. I was pretty upset, but was patient. She called me back Friday night. Had a nice chat about the day, I asked and she said yes. We're going out to eat next weekend.

Updates

+1 y

I'll update how the meeting went. I'm not getting my hopes up and I don't plan to talk about anything too deep unless she brings it up. I just want to feel out if getting back together is possible and have a good time and show her the guy she loved.

Updates

+1 y

She TEXTED me of all things on Thursday and backed out. I didn't even reply to the text, I took it as a sign she wasn't interested. Then she texts me Monday morning acting all friendly and "just wanted to say hello" ... Thanks for nothing. Confused.

[Anonymous]

I'm not being funny but it sounds lke this girl is 100% fed up with you. You can't force her to get back with you! I'm not being mean but I don't have much sympathy for you because my friend had a boyfriend just like you and he was incredibly needy and possessive. He wanted her around the whole time so she ended up losing a lot of her confidence because she couldn't be independent and do her own thing! You're still being needy judging by the amount of updates you're leaving above so if you really do love her, you would just leave her alone now for good instead of hounding her relentlessly! She's not getting back to you in time because she isn't bothered. And when she is getting back to you, its just to please you and to avoid an argument. I don't know your girlfriend but I do know my friend who I had to constantly advice on what to do during her relationship so I have a pretty good idea what your girlfriend is thinking.

It wouldn't be so bad if you just moved on and practiced what you learned with someone else to stop the pattern-if someone is needy in a relationship, they tend to bring it into the next relationship without realising it. You have the awareness so use your new knowledge with someone else. The reason I would advice you not to get back with the girl is (aside from what I said before) that she will mostly like still resent you for what you did in the past so it can never really be a clean slate. Girls hold grudges and bottle things up but if you're with her and you do happen to have a row with her, all that resentment is going to spill out of her then! And you'll be on the receiving end of it!

[Asker]

I accept and understand you comments, but that's really not the case. Before I called her it'd been about a month where I didn't contact her. Now after she backed out, she reaches out to me again. I'm updating because an answerer asked to keep it updated. Thinking a relationship is worth trying to save is hardly being needy.

[enlightenment]

ask her out for coffee or something, and talk to her about it. Tell her the break made you realize you want to focus more on yourself as well. then keep it at about a week at a time contact. No need to rush. take it slow, but you have to tell her and in person is always best.

[Asker]

Thanks. I don't want to straight up say "hey lets back together", but do you think it's okay to ask where we stand and what if anything is possible?" I don't want to play games or guess...I just want to know even if it's not going to happen soon.

[enlightenment]

Well, be careful how strong you come on. You don't want the whole conversations to be about "us" and then she starts feeling cornered. Be really casual about it all, bring it up when it feels natural in the conversation. But don't be afraid to bring it up. Good luck!

[enlightenment]

k...I think try tonight, and if she gives you more of the run around then take that as a sign she isn't ready.

[Asker]

Thanks for updating. I really appreciate it. I thought she would call me back, so I am already a little worried she isn't ready yet. I don't have much to lose at this point, so I'll try tonight and see how she reacts. I'll keep it updated.

[tomerguez]

One thing might help you understand is that women, look in any way they can, to take control. Usually in round about ways. Sometimes more directly. There is nothing more that a women loves then getting a man under her control and then breaking up with him to further break him down. This is just a sad reality.

Women always want to be in control. They'll start out by giving you everything you want, and anything. Once they are assured you are theirs, then they start polling back and the man falls to his knees. That makes the women feel great.

The biggest and most powerful tool a women has and does use against a man is to disrespect him, in private and public, and then the complete humiliation when she abandons him emotionally, physically and otherwise.

I have not found a solution to all of this. But this is all true and sad.

[freeview]

It seems like you haven't really gotten rid of the needy side ...

When your dating a woman it's important to give her the gift of missing you ... allow her to know that life isn't as great as when ur not around and that you have the power to make everything SO much better.

As for dating other women, the reason this was suggested was to break the dependancy you had with this woman, to show her you don't need her and ultimately to increase her attraction to you. The other option is to go out with your friends more often and/or get some cool and interesting hobbies without her.

Just think about what attracts people ... scarcity, what is hard to get, what other people are attracted to etc.

Maybe this helps, or maybe not. It really depends on your point of view!

[Asker]

Thanks man. I agree, scarcity increases demand. Right now I am just trying to get back in her life. I went no contact for a month to work on myself. Now I want to get back in her life so I can show her what's she missing. I don't plan to come on strong or contact her all the time.

[freeview]

Best of luck with it ... you seem like a cool guy

[alwayshopeful]

Good luck bro, I'm in a very similar situation right now. Unfortunately my ex has a slight flair for drama and she will be very friendly one moment and almost unresponsive the next. Consider yourself lucky your situation seems pretty game free. Lucky bastard :) Let us know what happens!

[AtomizerJr]

I agree with enlightenment: talk to your ex about it. A conversation or two with the ex will settle this question for good.

And if you're having lunch once a week, you kinda are back in her life...

[Asker]

We talk about once a week. Small talk sometimes online sometimes text or phone. So you think just be open and honest? I don't want to ask her to come back...but I do want to know where we stand and what if anything is possible ... is that fair to ask?

[AtomizerJr]

I think it's very fair to ask her.

And I think that open and honest communication is usually best.

Good luck!

[ortegabx09]

don't bring back the past... start new and fresh .. ur still making yourself look to needy , she's making herself look like she does not need you even if she does she's not showing it, look at it she said she was not interested then texts Monday to just say hello, you don't have to move on but you need to let her start making the first moves.