How would you deal with your hateful mother in law (she hates you and all your family)?

[LittleSally]

How would you deal with your husband's mother who is always badmouthing you and hates you because of the way you look?
Also badmouths your family and hates them too... because they don't look the way she would like them to look.

I would try to reason with her (turns out she's just the devil so you can't).

I would not tolerate that for long - cut all ties with her.

I would not tolerate that - but pretend it's fine when I'm around her.

I would expect my husband to say something to his mother.

I would hope she dies soon...

I would be okay with that.

Something else: I have the perfect solution - what is it?

[BeeNee]

Getting the hubby to talk to her will never work. After all, she doesn't hate him or his family, just you and yours. Children and their parents have a weird overly complicated relationships and trying to split hairs between them or suggesting he should always defend you is going to be a lost cause. Puts him in the middle, creates a war with no winners. Assuming you and your family have no intention of changing, nor should you feel you have to, the best you can do is avoid spending lengthy periods of time with her and only be around her for family obligations. You do not deserve to be treated like crap or to just have to stand there and take it just because she's related by marriage. Let your husband know, you have no intentions of getting in the way of he and his families relationships, but the strain she is putting on you is too much. You will hang out at this time and that time, and that's it. The compromise is just that and given her comments and your feelings, that's the best you can give if you've tried (and I hope you have or will) having at least 3 rational conversations with her (no yelling and screaming) about the situation by yourself.

[Yellow_]

First, try to stay patient and be nice to her and pray.

If it doesn't scare, then try to talk to her.
(Being careful with my choice of words.)

Still doesn't work, then talk to my husband nicely about the problem.

And hopefully he has some advice.

Ideally, it would be better (in that case) if we can move out (not too far) but just in a different flat

If that is not an option due to finance or her condition, then we will stay but would definitely figure out a solution.

[Girl_Scout]

I find being super nice and disgustingly pleasant really winds nasty people up. Chances are she's doing it to get a rise out of you. I can have a sickeningly saccharine tone when I want and say quite cutting things. Seems to work if you need to be heavily passively aggressive, as you do when it's your boyfriends mom... either that or flat out tell her she is out of order and you aren't taking it any more.

I would also expect my partner to say something.

[Spermdumster666]

This sucks balls that I cannot comment because the question is closed. Fuck you GAG!

[AzureGirl]

Granted, she's not my mother in law (yet), but my boyfriend's mom used to seem to hate me for the past 3 years. She wouldn't bother to learn my name, seemed pissed when I was over, attempted to break us up twice, and gave the impression that she was only being tolerant of me. I just let it go in one ear and out the other for the most part.

[LittleSally]

So what's it like now?

[AzureGirl]

Honestly she started being nice to me now out of nowhere and I'm really nervous about it. She's only nice to me when she wants something. I know she still doesn't care for me because there was a day I came over before she came home and she gave me a look when she walked in, but I think she's just finally accepted in not going anywhere.

[LittleSally]

That's rough... Hopefully you'll get to not see her as much - or at least not feel judged in her presence as much.

[AzureGirl]

Yeah :/ I think the good part with it all is my boyfriend had told me before that when we get married his family (minus his aunt, uncle, grandparents and maybe his brother) are not invited and not going to be a part of his life anymore. They're very critical of him and don't treat him very well.

[LittleSally]

Lawd...
Well, at least you're not going to have to deal with them anymore. That's something. =)

[AzureGirl]

That's true lol the sad part is he even wants to take my last name over his because he doesn't want to be associated with his family

[LittleSally]

Damn... O. o You can have your own new family - do it right. 😉

[AzureGirl]

I definitely will :)

[redeyemindtricks]

"That's true lol the sad part is he even wants to take my last name over his because he doesn't want to be associated with his family"

That isn't sad.

In fact, that's awesome.
I mean, if you ever had any doubts about whether he was really "all in"... yeah, no more doubts. (:

Even better if he was quick, decisive, and final about it, and didn't make a big production of it one way or the other.

Hope you don't live in California, by the way. Wives can change their names for free when they get married. Husbands? Nope. They have to pay fees, court costs, whatever.
Yep. That's a thing.

[AzureGirl]

@redeyemindtricks wow, really? That's weird! Thankfully we live on the opposite end of the US :)

And he was very decisive about it, he even randomly brought it up on his own one day while we were talking about my best friend's mom getting remarried recently. And this happened last year, he's still holding to that decision too! I'm happy to know he wants a future with me :)

[redeyemindtricks]

I mean, it might be the same in other states, too. Who knows. I guess you'll find out soon enough! lol

Also, YOU deserve props for not being one of those let's-include-everyone! people who tries to foist toxic family members back onto those who've managed to escape, all in the name of "togetherness".
There's... too much of that.

Congrats to each of you for finding a #keeper

[martyfellow]

Unfortunately, this will get worse I with time...

[AzureGirl]

@martyfellow what do you mean?

[martyfellow]

His mother will likely be more hostile toward you, not less, as time passes.

[AzureGirl]

@martyfellow she's oddly eased up on me now. So the opposite has happened.

[abc3643]

I would move. Move a good distance away so that she could only visit maybe once a year and the only contact with her would be like skyping email or phone calls or texts. Those are a lot more tolerable because they do not have to last long or can be deleted and she likely won't be complaining about your family using those methods of communication much. What is good about moving is that you haven't cut her out of your life but you are exposing yourself, your husband, kids, and your side of the family to her. She is an infectious diseased person who must be quarantined.

[abc3643]

thanks for the MHO. I noticed that I had a BIG typo...
What is good about moving is that you haven't cut her out of your life but you AREN'T exposing yourself, your husband, kids, and your side of the family to her.

[LittleSally]

I read it like that... Got it perfectly. =)

[Tromba]

When someone takes an irrational dislike to me I generally react by finding it funny. It's kind of odd I know and it drives them round the bend. They react by hating even more but every time you laugh at their insults and slights it makes them look smaller and smaller to everyone else and eventually they shrink to nothing.

[LittleSally]

Damn that's some good advice! hahaha Strange but brilliant.

[madhatters4]

i'd hope my partner would say something. after that i'd probably talk to the mother. basically to say that she may not like me but she needs to shut up.

after that i leave it. i let her spout her hate and look like the immature idiot

[Hans222]

Oh gosh Sally... the monster in law :-(
I'm single as you know so I don't have one. I'd say: escape into the "mother in law jokes"!
Like "what's the ideal weight of a mother in law"? Answer: 2 kilo... urn included 8)
Or "You're on holiday and miss your mother in law, what to do?". The answer: aim better!
That's as far as I come :D

[LittleSally]

Haha Yeah... Don't think that woman would appreciate that. This Q is for my best friend. She's been having huge problems with her mother in law. The woman is a monster.

[Hans222]

Tell her we all feel with her, that will do her good :D
Aren't they looking for people for a one-way trip to Mars? Maybe an idea? 8) 8)

[KDA20]

I voted C because I will tell you why - I know a family where this had occurred and relations disintegrated to such an extent that the son had to sit away from the family in the church for his own mother's funeral, I don't even know how long it was since the last time he had talked to her. She had been ill for a long time, I don't even know if he got a chance to say goodbye. Noone wants to see that happen to a family.

[LittleSally]

I understand that choice...

[aggressivebunny]

In the art of war, the only thing to do in this situation is to gain the favor of one of the enemy generals in hope of defecting. Id play that innocent game where I accept the faults and non-faults in hopes that my wife would feel so sorry that she will look at her own mother in a different way.

[MissNovaxo]

there's this type of relationship in my family between my grandmother and my mum and my mum knows how she is so she just lets her have her way and stays out of all that drama because she knows that she can do nothing about it. she just tries to bite her tongue and it usually works, there is the occasional blow up though but my dad does stand up to his mum for mine

[Poppykate]

I have been here. She was always playing the victim, and making up lies in front of her son, while bad mouthing me to my face and in front off my family. it is not worth it! I would suggest leaving this situation, and finding another boyfriend!.

[martyfellow]

I put my arm around her shoulders, told her she was beautiful, and snapped her bra.

She was too scared and embarrassed after that to give me any lip about anything.

[karahiri]

That's fucked up. How is snapping someone's bra a good way to gain respect? Surprised she hasn't told your spouse about your behavior.

[apple24]

I would be okay with that. eh I am not very likely able i am like a big kid! hahaha! (: with no resposiblity and such. (: Who doesn't know how to take care of a house. I am sure my mother in law will hate me lol!

[lovelyleelee]

I know someone who had an experience like that and wasn't even married. The mother just hated her family for no reason.

[thewanderingme]

I'd avoid her if she were disrespectful toward me in any way. and she wouldn't be allowed anywhere near my kids.

[T-shirtsandkneehighs]

Burn her fucking house down

[ShayanMortazavi1]

Falcon punch that bitch

[Sabretooth]

damn it guys! speak for wives!

[ThisDudeHere]

I would ignore her.

[Betwyn]

poison?