He wants to live together but hasn't said I LOVE YOU?

[blakely24]

I have been with this guy for a total of 7months. we dated for five great months but then he broke it off with me cause he said "he could have a family with the job he had and was just scared cause he could see himself possibly marrying me". So after a month he finally called me back and we have been dating ever since. Its great he still has the same JOB and I had always told him that him having to travel with his job was never a issue for me because I'm 33 single mom and its OK, I'm not 18 and single and able to spend all my time with you so it works out great & makes the time we do have that much better.

So now he brought up on two different occasions of us moving in together which I'm all for but I have to think of my little girl and all that. but the question is that I totally love this guy and can't understand how he can talk moving in and not say he LOVES ME? Isn't that a little backwards? I don't want to say it first because of him breaking up with me the 1st time and I want him to break down and feel that way about me "1st". Its not like I can talk about this with him because I don't want to drag it out of him but what does this mean.. Can I please get some insight to help me figure this out..?!

THANKS

BRS

[Guacamole]

If you were 23 and single and without a child, I would say that it sounds a bit dubious, but hey, sometimes you just have to follow your heart. You're not 25 and most importantly, you have a kid. That means that your life is no longer "just about you." It's about raising your daughter the right way and doing everything in your power to have her grow to be emotionally and physically healthy.

IMHO playing house with when you have a child is just a bad idea. Believe me, I'm no prude but I can't see how this is good for your daughter. What makes this even worse is that you're even considering doing this with a guy who can't say he loves you!

Your "it's feels wrong" radar is telling you clearly that something 'aint right.

[blakely24]

I agree and your right my feels wrong radar is up ont he whole moving in situation, I do't want to uproot her from the only house she has known without us being engaged or married. That's why I want do it until that happens. But do I talk it all out with I'm about the love thing as I talk more to him abuot the whole moving in thing....... Because we have def talked about the moving in and I still have more to talk to him about with that. we Gotta think about the kids & what is best for them.

[Guacamole]

I'm relieved to read what you wrote. It's crucial to remember that NO ONE will ever feel and love your daughter the way you do. That means that it is 100 percent YOUR responsibility to do the right thing as it relates to her and your role as her mom.

To me, if you're both adult enough to discuss moving in together, you have to be ready and able to discuss marriage and love and all that ...

[Guacamole]

But remember, when people are backed into a corner they will often say what the other person wants to hear to make the problem "go away." Let him know that you need to be engaged (at the least!!!!!) before you move in together.

I'm reminded of a great line from an otherwise forgettable movie that still resonates with me: "Mom is another word for God on the lips of a child."

[blakely24]

Oh yes.. I'm a single mom living with my mom and I'm ver content doing the same if it means my little girl is happy.. I can be without a boy and have always been that way I don't JUST NEED A MAN. and I don't just need to move out with someone to just get a new place to live.. NO SIR..

Thanks for your adivce, I know this conversation needs to happen, like this weekend.. I just have a hard time myself opening up when I'm the one starting the conversation. But better to know now than latter....

[Guacamole]

It's not a fun conversation; it's a adult conversation that needs to happen asap.

Good luck. I hope it all works out best for you and your daughter.

[Nocturne]

I am in a similar situation with my girlfriend.. we live together but I don't really say the 'I love you' words. Although at night she tells me. We had a serious discussion about this last night and she said she doesn't know if we can move without without hearing those words. I had troubles with my mom growing up, so its really tough me to say. I know we live in a society where every says 'I love you' and to me its a terribly diluted and almost cliched to say now. I mean how many people say 'I love you' but at the same time do hurtful things to one another?

I almost feel like if those words are such a necessity to you to hear more so than what you are feeling or he is making you feel then what is the point?

[blakely24]

Its not that I "HAVE" to hear the words but its all still new and if your wanting to live with someone shouldn't that mean you are falling in love with them??

[Nocturne]

Yes but why does it have to be said? I show it, and yes I definately want a long relationship with her and possibly marriage. And it's not that I don't love her... I very likely do... I'm just not at that stage to just say "Oh I love you babe" "love ya babe..." "love ya girlfriends too"

The word is thrown around so much these days, that in my opinion, its diluted.

[neberle]

He loves you to some degree to even want to move in with you. Why care if someone say's "I love you" I can tell you that right now...

blakely24 I love you I want to marry you!

Actions are much more impotent it seems that what eve it was that was limiting him that he broke up with you over before is just that over. Now he wants to move in with you so that is a positive action that shows love. I would just accept it he will say the words someday and by that point you will probably already know he loves you.

Keep an eye out though 7 months and he has left you once is a little shaky I wouldn't move in that fast I did that before and I regretted it pretty quickly. I think I did it partly because I was trying to prove to myself that I thought the relationship was going somewhere.

[Trihill]

it is a bit backwards and it will have implications for your child as well moving in and you're not fully in love together...somebody has commitments issues, but you do as well in other respects...sometimes someone has to be the stronger person and do the right thing

[blakely24]

Thats the thing I want move in with some kind of commitment from him a ring because like I told him I can't explain that to my daughter on how I uprooted her from the only house she has known to move in with this guy.. its not right for her and we are happy were we are.. to much change for her want be good. That's why I wonder how I can be in love with this person & him not even have said that to me yet.. again I'm not saying it first.. and I don't think I have commitment issues?

[Trihill]

If you can't say the 3 words, but you expect it from him, that's most definitely commitment issues...you don't have that leap of faith confidence and you still haven't figured out the fairy tale story to pass to your daughter so she can be happy and go along with it...i just hope you're not in this relationship because of that feeling as a single mother being off the dating market and accepting second place guys...that's what this guy sounds like if hasn't told you already that he loves you

[blakely24]

I get what your saying. I could say I want to say it and have wanted to, I guess I just feel like I don't want to mess up what is good and run him off. I'm def not in it to just be with someone he is only the second guy I have dated since she was born and he is the 1st she has met. (she is 6) he is a great dad to his little girl & wonderful to mine which is always a plus. Guess my confidence is down since he did break up with me and that totaly broke my heart.

[Trihill]

Would you rather not know that he doesn't love you, or risk being together and silently wonder? remember, your daughter grows connections and attachments over a long time, so you better make sure that you've found a permanent father figure...it only takes a moment to traumatize that...if everything points to him being a good husband and father, then you shouldn't have anything to be concerned about...marriage is about openness

[blakely24]

THANKS!!! I know I have needed to talk to him about this but I myself have a HARD time getting my own feelings out if I'm having to be the one bringing it up I let it build & buld until I finally get it out. But I agree with what you said, I do just need to get it out and find out so its either we move forward or not. Again I just get nervous talking about things like this. but once its out it will make me feel better either way.

[Trihill]

It's not just for making you feel better, it's also for your daughter as well...good luck

[blakely24]

Well of course, that's what I meant. I'll feel better I got her and I both out, if this is conversation doesn't turn out on a good note. THANKS