My boyfriend has a pen pal who sends photos?

[Anonymous]

long story sorry

started dating a guy about 7 months ago. We have become very close and are hoping to start a life together. The thing is he has a pen pal in Holland he wants to keep in touch with, they email once or twice a month and she sends photos some nude and I saw in an email he told her she looked beautiful as always and said at the end love always. I asked him about it and he said he just got into the habit of saying it. He got her as a pen pal in prison and has been emailing her for 5 years. he has been very honest about it all and says she means nothing romantically or sexually just a friend and doesn't know why she sends photos but it all bothers me he even has a disk of all the photos she has sent and saved all her letters.

He offered to ask her to stop sending photos and said he would stop telling her love you and saying she's beautiful and stuff but doesn't want to stop talking to her completely. He says I shouldn't worry I am the one he loves and wants to spend the rest of his life with .

should I be worried?

[Eilonwy]

I had a similar situation with my boyfriend a while back only I didn't know a thing about it until he left his emails open one day and I saw it. I went completely mental over it. He told me she was having a hard time at the minute and just needed an ego boost and it really didn't mean anything (she was in America, we're in Ireland). He told me he'd never speak to her again and he hasn't. That probably hurt her but to be honest I didn't care because she knew about me, so on that aspect I felt betrayed by him, and she still sent him nude pictures and told him she loved him and wanted to come over and meet him so he could 'save her from her life'. After I calmed down I realized I didn't actually care if they kept talking, as long as all the love talk and nude pictures didn't happen again, that's not right. Having said that he can't help what she sends but he should tell her to stop. Honestly you shouldn't be worried, just let him know that it bothers you and ask him to try to hold back on the things that upset you and for her to stop sending nude pictures and see if that helps

[Asker]

thanks that's kinda what I'm doing now but then I've been know to be gullible and to be one who lets people walk all over them. just wanted to hear some feedback

[ayla79]

Ok, if you are worried, do not marry him until you know him a bit better. I know its stating the obvious here but sometimes love clouds judgement...And I'm not implying there is something wrong with the pen-pal I'm just saying that If you've been known to be gullible as you said, MAKE sure you aren't this time round...Just a thought! Hope everything works out

[meesh1220]

What he's doing with this girl, regardless of where she is, should be towards you and only you. He should have pics and love letters from YOU. It's disrespectful what he's doing. I don't agree with everyone telling you not to be worried. Yeah she's in Holland BUT his attention, emotions, whatever he shares with this girl should be with the woman he SAYS he loves and wants to be with. She needs to back off and respect you as well. And your boyfriend needs to grow some balls and tell her she needs to stop with the pics. Sorry, but your man can't have his cake and eat it too.

I speak from experience.

[meesh1220]

Thanks sweety. I know you would'nt have asked our advice if you didn't sense something wasn't right. You are the one in this situation, and you did right by coming to us for help. Listen to your intuition, never ever doubt it. Be strong, and stand your ground. You deserve to be treated way better than you are now. Please keep us posted! HUGS

[Loveatfirstsite]

I would ask him to stop all the "extra" stuff. And why save all the photos and letters? But yea tell him to stop with the Love you stuff and get rid of the pics but keep in mind, she is in Holland :)

[Asker]

I know I am trying. and I told him I don't care if he has a penpal of whatever he told me about her before then I found out about the photos and then later saw the email. But other than this he's a wonderful guy and I love him. So I am trying to be understanding.

[Loveatfirstsite]

I would feel the same way as you! There is no reason for the extra stuff have your pen pal but keep it at that. He shouldn't be saying stuff like that to her.

[nate18]

worried, I wouldn't be that much. one, she's in holland. two, he met her a long time ago in prison, most likely it was somebody he could talk to with out being judged horribly. its somewhat like what your doing on this site, your never meeting the people you talk to. sometimes you need a place to vent or just talk to somebody that you don't know. it makes it much easier if you don't know the person your talking to tell them things. basically the way I see it some people pay for such things, to talk to people or get nude photos, if your boyfriend was gonna go see her and give you reason to worry he probably would have done it by now.

[Asker]

actually that is what he told me. He said his girl ditched him and family didn't write much but she wrote faithfully and it meant a lot to him

[TyroneJayJackson]

I don't think you should be worried. It sounds like he really cares about you, If you do feel unsure though then I suggest if there's a spare few minutes without your boyfriend there, Then talk to the penpal pretending to be your boyfriend and see what she says, Either that or you can also get a penpal so you and him are both in the same boat.

[Asker]

yeah I thought about that

[ItalianBro]

... she lives in f***ing Holland... why are you jealous?

[Asker]

its the emotional connection with her and the photos that bother me if I stay with him will this go on forever?

and I know he has before me joined lots of foreign dating sites to have penpals w/photo sharing

he is a ladies man kinda guy

I just think its a little disrespectful to me that he says I love you to her and calls her his beautiful princess.

would it be OK if I was to do the same to him

[ItalianBro]

Sure, find a guy in another country... I am sure he wouldn't give a sh*t.

[Asker]

Well he said he wouldn't like it and I was right it was disrespectful to me. H e said he would stop all the extra stuff just wondering if he really will.

[Anonymous]

No you shouldn't be worried, but be observant and be careful. Don't put too much pressure on him just let him ask her stop sending photos and telling her not to say love you and stuff. Also go with your gut feeling :) Good luck x

[Anonymous]

I did a girl named Holland once