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How to Avoid a Stupid Man: The Law of the Red Flag
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There is hidden intuitive truth hidden deeply inside all of us, and you need to pay close attention to it because it will help you know when your real soul mate has arrived. Let's call this hidden truth ‘the law of the red flag.' The law of the red flag is familiar to all of us. It is our sixth sense, a part of our divine makeup that has been given to us by our Creator. We simply describe it as a red flag. Others call it intuition.
When you began to talk to people who have broken off a relationship with someone they were once crazy about, they will inevitably get around to telling you how they had a strange feeling about the person before they married or got involved with them. In other words, before some of us totally sell out to a relationship there is often an internal signal or red flag telling us not to commit to the relationship. Another person, such as a close friend or even a family member, often confirms this internal signal externally. A chain of events or circumstances that show up to make the relationship difficult while it is still in its
infant stage can also confirm the red flag. For example, conflict with one of your partner's family members or possibly his ex wife or girlfriend could signal potential problems ahead for the both of you. This is not etched in stone, but it does occur more often than people like to admit.
When we violate the law of the red flag, we are never really comfortable or at peace with the decision we are about to make. Why? We don't want to make a mistake. In other words, we are afraid of making a mistake. All of us have done things against our better judgment and have reaped the consequences of our actions. Saying we have gone against our better judgment is saying we bypassed the red flags. The best example I can use to illustrate how codependent people (women and men who are so obsessed with controlling and living through each other) violate the laws of the red flag is when two people run off and get married without telling or talking to their parents. I'd be willing to bet money on the fact both came from highly dysfunctional households, where their codependent parents tried to control their lives by using various manipulative techniques to get them to do what they wanted them to do.
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Some codependent parents use shame, blame, and threats as tools to keep their children dependent on them. And as long as the child succumbs to such manipulation, the parent will keep on manipulating them regardless of their age because the real issue is not about age- it's about control.
The only reason a child will not tell a parent about their intention to marry someone is they fear the parent's disapproval. They long so much for their approval that they are torn between making a choice for themselves and making a choice for their parent. The internal fear they experience is like an emotional hell. Remember, fear has to do with punishment. Despite the bombardment of conflicting thoughts, this person is still likely to rationalize away all the red flags by thinking a finalized marriage will force their parents into accepting the choice they've made. Of course, they are only deceiving themselves. If you know of a couple who got together in this way, ask yourself if they're still together, and if so, are they happy? My guess is they're no longer together, and if they are, they're probably not happy.
Now what's my point in all this? My point is you probably had red flags about the men you dated but rationalized them away. If you go back and think about all that was going on, I'm sure you can find many indications that things weren't going to work out. And if not, you have to give him some credit - he was a lot smoother than you were. But none of that matters anymore because you're on course to attract the man of your dreams.
When he comes into your life, you'll be mad at yourself for giving all your internal power over to the man who deflated that image of yours. You will kick yourself because you could have been working on yourself instead of focusing on the behavior of the men you dated and allowing yourself to get caught up in their childish games. But here's the catch: In order for the spiritual law of attraction to work, you must detach from all emotional and physical ties to the men in your past.
I had to mention the part about detaching from any physical ties you have with these men because some of you are still trying to sleep with them. You are a co-conspirator in your own emotional demise. You're just asking for it if you believe that you're not feeding into your codependent behavior. You may think your time with these men is nothing more than a booty call (at least that's what you're convinced it is), but he's not looking at it that way. When you finally do cut things off for good, there will be hell to pay because you're still playing around with fire. As long as you do stupid things, the stupid man will keep on hanging around. Stop fooling around!
For those of you who have finally come to the realization that things will never work out when you violate the law of the red flag, and it's finally over between you and that man you were so in love with, I have good news for you: You're ready for your soul mate. Just remember this definition of a codependent person given by Melody Beattie in her book Codependent No More:
“A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior.” (We'll talk a little more about codependency in the upcoming chapter.)
Now that you know you'll never be able to control the behavior of any man, it is time to take control of your own life. You don't need a man! Settle for wanting or desiring a loving relationship not built upon control.
Want implies that you are, in fact, making a choice based upon a desire. There is nothing wrong with having the desire to share your life with another individual. As for me, I like being married. I like having a woman in my life. I like spending time with her, talking to her, going to garage sales and bookstores with her, rubbing her feet and a host of other enjoyable things we do together. My wife and I enjoy each other's presence. Nevertheless, we do not agree on everything. We seldom have arguments, but we do have them. On occasion, they can force us to our respective caves to cool off, and that's all right. We are, after all, a work in process--the godding processes. We are growing daily both in our awareness and knowledge of ourselves and one another.
But I've been in many so-called relationships before, and they never lasted. They usually ended when one of us got fed up with the other person's incessant need for power and control. Seeking to control other people is not only a sign of image making, but it is also a sign that you struggle with some aspect of codependency. If you want to know how to avoid a stupid man you must deal first with your codependent behaviors.
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