This is a late follow up to the my take I posted above. Another user, @errorgoodnameunfound inspired me to make another. My last relationship ended about 6 months ago. Now that I've healed a lot better, I revisited things and decided to make a my take about less obvious red flags now that I am not emotionally compromised.
Here's part one since I will be referring to it
Red Flags in My Last Relationship I Missed or Ignored
When we first met, he flattered the hell out of me.
Our first conversation was him not being able to stop talking about how pretty he found me. I asked on here if that was a bad sign and was warned against him. Even then advice was falling on deaf ears.
It felt bad. All the time.
He completely took over my life and not in a good way. My mind was constantly wondering "is he mad at me" or "is he giving me the silent treatment because he doesn't like my friends, and he knows deep down friends come first?" I was sad all the time and if it wasn't for work, school, and my loved ones I might've not gotten out of bed regularly.
His driving made me uncomfortable, but he didn't care.
"Fred" drove fast, took sharp turns, and wouldn't brake until the last minute. I work in healthcare so I see lives torn apart by car accidents everyday. Of course I voiced how his driving scared me and he went right into defense mode. He yelled at me and said that's just what he was taught. His yelling was so loud that I flinched and I never asked again.
He would randomly go MIA
I talked about this in part one but because it was the first sign something was wrong, I am going to mention it again. One of the little things in a relationship I really enjoy is asking each other how you're doing or telling each other about work when you clock out. At the beginning of the relationship, I remember feeling like I didn't have to question if he liked me or not because I could really feel it. He would ask me throughout the day how I was doing or ask things about me like he had a genuine interest. That went away after a while and when I would text him, he would never answer. Even when I waited the courtesy 24 hours for a text back.
Questions become traps.
Questions like, "so you've been spending a lot of time with that male friend" This male friend of mine would always be one or the other of two male friends of mine. One of them is gay and has been with his partner for 15 years. I have went over this with "fred." The other is a good friend and we are too different to have a relationship. He's a libertarian who likes casual hookups. (he has screened his tinder picks with me before) And I am a democrat who prefers long term relationships. The weirdest part was that "fred" refused to officially meet my friends but he made assumptions about them. He even refused to accept that one of my male friends is gay, he felt that was a lie and he mocks my other male friend. He was ridiculously jealous of my friends but would openly tell one of his friends that he loves her.
I was losing myself so bad I didn't recognize myself
He made me feel alone because he was so MIA and yet jealous at the same time. He never showed interest in my life, so I felt I couldn't go to him for anything and that made me feel lonely. I immediately blamed myself for his rapid change in behavior and tried to change who I was to make him happy but he never noticed.
I felt like I had to beg for him to treat me right
And why on earth would you be with someone where you have to beg them to the tiniest things for you, especially when there are plenty of other people that would be more than happy to go above and beyond for you?
He would manipulate the situation to get his way
He never hit me but if he didn't get his way in any situation, he would sulk, pout, give me the silent treatment, or make him the victim so I would feel bad and cater to him. One time he got upset at me ordering food he didn't want, when I was paying for it and we drove there in my car. He didn't even eat the food he just wanted to control even my tiny choices.
I was quite bitter towards happy couples
One specific example would be when I saw something on Instagram about how a guy was being very nurturing and caring towards his girlfriend with a cold. I just automatically thought about how he never showed an interest in things important to me or blatantly ignore my texts.
Problems were never resolved
We never really had fights or arguments because he'd cave to whatever I was saying. He would then beg me to not leave him. In a way this was just as bad as arguing like cats and dogs. He would be so upset that it made me like I was asking for too much.
My family knew something was wrong
I intentionally hid a lot of things about our relationship because I didn't know what to say if they called me out on it. I felt the need to defend him to others because I thought things would get better and it was like a rough patch. My family begged me to open up and talk to them but that fell on deaf ears. After we broke up, it took several months for me to come forward and tell my loved ones everything. I felt so bad about myself that I wouldn't have felt worse if they abandoned me because I refused to take their advice. Instead they showed their overwhelming amounts of love and that helped me to heal.
I lied about my feelings to avoid confrontation
Right when we dating, I had just turned 21. I was so excited for my 21st birthday, that I was making plans and ideas for my birthday months before. I made plans to go skydiving. Originally, he wanted to take me for a weekend camping trip which I was over the moon excited for. A few weeks before when we originally planned our trip for, it became obvious it wasn't going to happen. I was upset at first and wanted a reason. His reason was that he just didn't want to. I was beyond excited for the trip and having those expectations crushed, upset me. I knew it would cause a fight so I said I was okay with not celebrating. In reality, I was so sad I cancelled my skydiving appointment and tried to convince my family I didn't want to celebrate. I realize now that my 15 year old brother was being smart in saying, "you scheduled a skydiving appointment. What about that says I don't want to celebrate?"
He didn't respect boundaries
My family got a brand new puppy when we were dating. One day my mom suggested that we could have a date at the dog park and bring her with us. She was a puppy and was too young for her vaccines so my mom requested that we don't expose her to many people or other animals. I was super careful and made sure to be in a secluded part of the park. When I went to the bathroom or wasn't paying attention, he was going directly against my mom's wishes. Of course she ended up being okay and I knew she'd be okay, but he directly disrespected what my mom said.
This was a reason on Part One, but it was the nail in the coffin so I will reiterate it. He truly made me feel like I could get hit by a bus, end up in an ICU, and he wouldn't care.
Again I work in a hospital one particular night, I was sitting for a patient with a severe brain infection. (sitting for a patient means they need a 1:1 healthcare provider with them at all times because they are a danger to themselves or others) Those with brain infections are usually quite confused and aggressive. She was actively hallucinating, saw me as a threat, and strangled me for 6 seconds.
Obviously I'm still here so I got out of this okay. I texted him and told him everything. I also told my friends and closest coworkers everything. My friends and coworkers were begging me to the ER and he never texted, called, or anything to see if I was okay. Yes I refused to the ER. I felt that my neck was just banged up and the ER needs those beds for people who may die, not for someone with a bruised neck. I still wanted him to check on me and take care of me because I was assaulted. Out of our entire relationship, this hurt the most. My work did do something about this assault. Security guards are now required to be trained in guns and carry them at all times.
I had to repeatedly remind myself that just because he doesn't care, doesn't mean others in my life feel the same. In fact my manager heard what happened and called me at home to yell at me for refusing to go to the ER. She said in the future if I'm assaulted, I'm required to go even if she has to drag me there. I decided to break up with him over this. I yelled at him over his lack of compassion over the phone so he knew it was coming and he ended our relationship first.
He has a very dark past which he refuses to get help for. He is going to try to get back into the military, but I don't think they'll take him because he has unresolved PTSD. To be honest with you, if the military doesn't kill him, he may be found dead on the side of a road. May be a little blunt but it's true. Especially since he has nothing going for him because he doesn't want to go back to school, not even a vocational school. I think things may have been worse than I thought. My brother is going into the military and even he said it was almost "serial killer like" when he would graphically describe how happy it made him to kill people when he was in the military. I think if I was to see him now, I'd tell him that looking back I am happy things ended. I can't become a Surgeons Assistant by the time I am 30 if I am dating someone like him.
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