Red Flags From My Last Relationship, Part Two

This is a late follow up to the my take I posted above. Another user, @errorgoodnameunfound inspired me to make another. My last relationship ended about 6 months ago. Now that I've healed a lot better, I revisited things and decided to make a my take about less obvious red flags now that I am not emotionally compromised.

Here's part one since I will be referring to it

Red Flags in My Last Relationship I Missed or Ignored

Red Flags From My Last Relationship, Part Two

When we first met, he flattered the hell out of me.

Our first conversation was him not being able to stop talking about how pretty he found me. I asked on here if that was a bad sign and was warned against him. Even then advice was falling on deaf ears.

It felt bad. All the time.

He completely took over my life and not in a good way. My mind was constantly wondering "is he mad at me" or "is he giving me the silent treatment because he doesn't like my friends, and he knows deep down friends come first?" I was sad all the time and if it wasn't for work, school, and my loved ones I might've not gotten out of bed regularly.

His driving made me uncomfortable, but he didn't care.

"Fred" drove fast, took sharp turns, and wouldn't brake until the last minute. I work in healthcare so I see lives torn apart by car accidents everyday. Of course I voiced how his driving scared me and he went right into defense mode. He yelled at me and said that's just what he was taught. His yelling was so loud that I flinched and I never asked again.

Red Flags From My Last Relationship, Part Two

He would randomly go MIA

I talked about this in part one but because it was the first sign something was wrong, I am going to mention it again. One of the little things in a relationship I really enjoy is asking each other how you're doing or telling each other about work when you clock out. At the beginning of the relationship, I remember feeling like I didn't have to question if he liked me or not because I could really feel it. He would ask me throughout the day how I was doing or ask things about me like he had a genuine interest. That went away after a while and when I would text him, he would never answer. Even when I waited the courtesy 24 hours for a text back.

Questions become traps.

Questions like, "so you've been spending a lot of time with that male friend" This male friend of mine would always be one or the other of two male friends of mine. One of them is gay and has been with his partner for 15 years. I have went over this with "fred." The other is a good friend and we are too different to have a relationship. He's a libertarian who likes casual hookups. (he has screened his tinder picks with me before) And I am a democrat who prefers long term relationships. The weirdest part was that "fred" refused to officially meet my friends but he made assumptions about them. He even refused to accept that one of my male friends is gay, he felt that was a lie and he mocks my other male friend. He was ridiculously jealous of my friends but would openly tell one of his friends that he loves her.

Red Flags From My Last Relationship, Part Two

I was losing myself so bad I didn't recognize myself

He made me feel alone because he was so MIA and yet jealous at the same time. He never showed interest in my life, so I felt I couldn't go to him for anything and that made me feel lonely. I immediately blamed myself for his rapid change in behavior and tried to change who I was to make him happy but he never noticed.

I felt like I had to beg for him to treat me right

And why on earth would you be with someone where you have to beg them to the tiniest things for you, especially when there are plenty of other people that would be more than happy to go above and beyond for you?

He would manipulate the situation to get his way

He never hit me but if he didn't get his way in any situation, he would sulk, pout, give me the silent treatment, or make him the victim so I would feel bad and cater to him. One time he got upset at me ordering food he didn't want, when I was paying for it and we drove there in my car. He didn't even eat the food he just wanted to control even my tiny choices.

Red Flags From My Last Relationship, Part Two

I was quite bitter towards happy couples

One specific example would be when I saw something on Instagram about how a guy was being very nurturing and caring towards his girlfriend with a cold. I just automatically thought about how he never showed an interest in things important to me or blatantly ignore my texts.

Problems were never resolved

We never really had fights or arguments because he'd cave to whatever I was saying. He would then beg me to not leave him. In a way this was just as bad as arguing like cats and dogs. He would be so upset that it made me like I was asking for too much.

My family knew something was wrong

I intentionally hid a lot of things about our relationship because I didn't know what to say if they called me out on it. I felt the need to defend him to others because I thought things would get better and it was like a rough patch. My family begged me to open up and talk to them but that fell on deaf ears. After we broke up, it took several months for me to come forward and tell my loved ones everything. I felt so bad about myself that I wouldn't have felt worse if they abandoned me because I refused to take their advice. Instead they showed their overwhelming amounts of love and that helped me to heal.

Red Flags From My Last Relationship, Part Two

I lied about my feelings to avoid confrontation

Right when we dating, I had just turned 21. I was so excited for my 21st birthday, that I was making plans and ideas for my birthday months before. I made plans to go skydiving. Originally, he wanted to take me for a weekend camping trip which I was over the moon excited for. A few weeks before when we originally planned our trip for, it became obvious it wasn't going to happen. I was upset at first and wanted a reason. His reason was that he just didn't want to. I was beyond excited for the trip and having those expectations crushed, upset me. I knew it would cause a fight so I said I was okay with not celebrating. In reality, I was so sad I cancelled my skydiving appointment and tried to convince my family I didn't want to celebrate. I realize now that my 15 year old brother was being smart in saying, "you scheduled a skydiving appointment. What about that says I don't want to celebrate?"

He didn't respect boundaries

My family got a brand new puppy when we were dating. One day my mom suggested that we could have a date at the dog park and bring her with us. She was a puppy and was too young for her vaccines so my mom requested that we don't expose her to many people or other animals. I was super careful and made sure to be in a secluded part of the park. When I went to the bathroom or wasn't paying attention, he was going directly against my mom's wishes. Of course she ended up being okay and I knew she'd be okay, but he directly disrespected what my mom said.

Red Flags From My Last Relationship, Part Two

This was a reason on Part One, but it was the nail in the coffin so I will reiterate it. He truly made me feel like I could get hit by a bus, end up in an ICU, and he wouldn't care.

Again I work in a hospital one particular night, I was sitting for a patient with a severe brain infection. (sitting for a patient means they need a 1:1 healthcare provider with them at all times because they are a danger to themselves or others) Those with brain infections are usually quite confused and aggressive. She was actively hallucinating, saw me as a threat, and strangled me for 6 seconds.

Obviously I'm still here so I got out of this okay. I texted him and told him everything. I also told my friends and closest coworkers everything. My friends and coworkers were begging me to the ER and he never texted, called, or anything to see if I was okay. Yes I refused to the ER. I felt that my neck was just banged up and the ER needs those beds for people who may die, not for someone with a bruised neck. I still wanted him to check on me and take care of me because I was assaulted. Out of our entire relationship, this hurt the most. My work did do something about this assault. Security guards are now required to be trained in guns and carry them at all times.

Red Flags From My Last Relationship, Part Two

I had to repeatedly remind myself that just because he doesn't care, doesn't mean others in my life feel the same. In fact my manager heard what happened and called me at home to yell at me for refusing to go to the ER. She said in the future if I'm assaulted, I'm required to go even if she has to drag me there. I decided to break up with him over this. I yelled at him over his lack of compassion over the phone so he knew it was coming and he ended our relationship first.

He has a very dark past which he refuses to get help for. He is going to try to get back into the military, but I don't think they'll take him because he has unresolved PTSD. To be honest with you, if the military doesn't kill him, he may be found dead on the side of a road. May be a little blunt but it's true. Especially since he has nothing going for him because he doesn't want to go back to school, not even a vocational school. I think things may have been worse than I thought. My brother is going into the military and even he said it was almost "serial killer like" when he would graphically describe how happy it made him to kill people when he was in the military. I think if I was to see him now, I'd tell him that looking back I am happy things ended. I can't become a Surgeons Assistant by the time I am 30 if I am dating someone like him.


3|3
69
1truekhaleesi is a GirlsAskGuys Editor
Who are Editors?

Recommended myTakes

Loading...

Join the discussion

What Guys Said 9

  • Most of this just sounds like not wanting to be treated equally if I'm honest, your gender asked for this bed so sleep in it.
    Maybe men and women shouldn't really be in relationships any more, we no longer need each other and that feeling of not being needed makes partners paranoid and resentful.
    Women can work to support themselves now and men have free access to pornography.

    0|1
    5|3
    • Where the fuck did that come from? I'm assuming you want to start an argument and since I have real things to be worried about than what some dipshit on the internet thinks, you're blocked.

    • Also, what's even the point of being in a relationship if you make each other feel unneeded? Also women watch porn. Take me for instance.

    • So many immature, underdeveloped men on this site project their own sexism and inadequacy in relationships/sex onto women seeking advice here. Dont take it personally.

  • he just wasn't that into you... and you sound kind of needy and controlling. 0 Maybe you're not built to be in a relationship. It's fine; you won't have to bend and neither will anyone else. You may be ultimately happier that way.

    0|0
    1|0
    • This is copied and pasted from another user but it's true hence why I'm passing it to you. What's even the point of being in a relationship if you don't even acknowledge each other? If I wanted to do that, I'd continue having the relationship I have with my parents. Wait, I'm already doing that.

      "This man lacked empathy, had boundary issues, and Poor impulse control... he also had a sick need for control."

    • She should avoid relationships because she doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect her or her time, yet continues the relationship anyway? Even you just said it doesn't seem like he genuinely cared about her, yet he continued to play manipulative games and continued stringing her along in the relationship. But that = she's needy and should stay single? Thats piss poor logic. Think harder.

  • Great MyTake! Thank you for taking the time to put that together!

    1|0
    0|0
  • Very important MyTake.

    I can't say my ex was an abuser, she is only a really insecure person. There were times she drive me crazy but now I know she just didn't knew what she want. As her friend in progress now (real friendship is a slow ripening fruit) I am concern about her new boyfriend. She met him online, and in her own words (she told me everything), the guy doesn't like to see her with make up, he even told her that he would leave her if she keep putting make up (long story). The thing is, I explained her my concern, she said everything is fine, and I can't stop thinking she met an abuser or potential abuser. He will start with small things and escalate to others. Those people never change.

    I even encourage her to talk with her sisters, brother, and no, she told me they would get mad at her. I gave up, can't do anything to that. She will learn, although I hope her dad do something. He run the guy from his house. My ex only response: "my parents exaggerated things" .

    2|0
    0|1
  • Live and learn. You are stronger because of your experience. Also, fred is an asshole. I'm sure it wasn't easy cutting ties with him

    0|0
    0|0
  • Daaaam yours eks and my eks shood huuk Up and
    just completely destroying each other now that i whood ser 😂😂😂

    1|0
    0|0
  • The last thing you said about the not caring. I know how that feels. I went through a scary life and death situation and the girl I was dating at the time didn't care. She didn't call or text like you said. And I even told her about it and she still didn't care. It's crazy how you can be with someone and you think they care about you and you mean something to them. But then you could die right in front of them and they would just watch and not help you. There are a lot of sociopaths out there than we realize.

    0|0
    0|0
  • lol I don't know im a virgin

    1|0
    1|0
  • Amazing mytake. Thank you for sharing

    1|0
    0|0

What Girls Said 6

  • Okay well first of all, what is this relationship? If you want a true response from someone who has felt the same way before then I suggest you take what I say and think about it. First of all, I read really fast and sometimes miss things but I hope you are not with this guy anymore. That isn't a relationship, im not even sure what that is honestly.
    My boyfriend at one point (when he was very stressed with work and never got to see me and was kind of a piece of shit, and I almost left him because of it) WOULD NEVER ignore a text message where I was legitimately strangled and scared. I just wanted to get that out of the way, some of the things he tried to pull would never fly with me and I let a lot of shit slide.
    There's a difference between a boyfriend who is a dick because he's stressed out/tired of drama/busy with work, and a boyfriend who is just terrible to their partner. I wouldn't go to say this is physical abuse by any means, I don't even think he would have the balls to hit you anyways considering he would beg for you to forgive him when he knew he was in the wrong.
    It seems as if he is the jealous boyfriend who doesn't have the maturity to be in a relationship, this a combination of immaturity and selfishness. My boyfriend used to not text me back for a while and would go out and not contact me the whole night, but he NEVER left me hanging for 24 hours. I would be livid if he did that. It also makes me feel like either he is cheating/trying to hook up with other girls without you knowing because you can't get a hold of him ever which is just weird honestly. Or he is literally just disrespectful and has no care for you at all.
    I hope you realize that this was a shit person, and I'm not telling you to do anything because I have been that girl and that girl never listens to anybody else when their partner is a piece a shit. But I am just telling you the full truth of what you stated. He's a very weird guy, and this is nothing like what a real relationship should be like.
    The point of being in a relationship is to build each other up and live together cohesively while becoming a better person through the relationship. What about your relationship shows that it does any of that? Do you seriously want to live with that for the rest of your life? This isn't something you do for fun or just because you feel nobody else will love you. There are sooo many better men out there, find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.

    0|0
    0|0
    • I suggest you read again because we broke up a while ago. That was literally one of the first sentences. But speaking from the perspective of when we were together, I don't know what it was either.

    • Looking back I think it was a toxic relationship and after we broke up, I seeked therapy to get over him. It was small things like he knew I was very upset about his lack of communication and I even texted him crying if it was something I did. He treated me so terribly that after we broke up, this cute stranger made me feel special by just asking my shift was.

  • This man lacked empathy, had boundary issues, and Poor impulse control... he also had a sick need for control. Good for you to leave him. Oh and for the record cheap flattery IS a red flag to the girl who said it isn’t.. oftentimes it’s used to distract from manipulative behavior.

    2|0
    0|0
  • "When we first met, he flattered the hell out of me."
    ? What? This is not a red flag?
    (The rest hella are though.)

    0|0
    0|0
    • Yes it says he smooth talked me. I don't think we had a real conversation other than ifnit was about my looks.

    • Ohhhh well okay maybe in that case.

    • When I asked about him constantly complimenting me, I was told by people on this site that he was smooth talking me. Especially since we talked about nothing else. My interests, my friends, my life, etc was of no interest to him and he never asked for wanted to talk about those things. After a while he got bored of my looks, and our relationship had nothing to stand on.

  • Nice take

    1|0
    0|0
  • Nice

    1|0
    0|0
  • Good take

    0|0
    0|0

Recommended Questions

Loading...