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Bitterness -- A Pill That Kills
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Of all the things that bother me the most about human relationships, I suppose the fact that people allow life to turn them into angry children affects me most. This is because the issue becomes two fold. The person poisons themselves and they miss out on the wonderful things that life has to offer. They also tend to lash out, hurting others, who in turn, may lash out, creating a vicious cycle. This hinders humanity’s spiritual development as a whole, as anger and disillusionment is behind many of the horrible things that we do to one another.
Lookit, I am also a woman who is approaching 40 yet the picture on my profile is only a few months old. There is a reason why I look and feel so young.
I refuse to be weighed down by my past.
I’d like to share a couple of stories with you.
1. When I was about nineteen, I met a guy, a preacher’s son, who played piano like an angel, and we became a couple. He was my first big relationship (I didn’t date in High School) and were inseparable. We also had a sex life that was the envy of our friends ( I was a very sexual woman, but I wasn’t promiscuous, so I tended to make up for lost time when I finally landed a man) lol…After about two years we got engaged. We were both musically inclined, and as I trained as a vocalist, he soon joined an R&B band that was about to get signed to a label. During this time, he didn’t work because he was concentrating on his music – in the interim I took up the slack financially. Even though I worked, I cooked for him and his friends when I got home—and we never missed a beat with sex As he started climbing up the ladder in music however, he started to change. He began telling me how I would never make anything of myself in music and began belittling me in front of friends and business associates. I soon learned he was cheating on me. I left. I heard from friends that he was devastated by the break up yet I never looked back—but I was hurt as well.
2. Five years later enter Chris, a blond haired angelic looking man who I immediately fell for. We dated a while before the sex happened and when it did it was incredible. In many ways the two year relationship mirrored my earlier one. Chris wasn’t a musician, but he was a carpenter and he didn’t always have work. I didn’t care—to me money wasn’t important, it was all about love. We never fought, our sex life rocked, and his friend adored me, in fact they often told him how good he had it, and he would agree. I felt very cherished. Then in walked a blond she-heifer into the group, and as most guys will tell you, a hot blond usually wins over the exotic black girlfriend. Chris, who was an attractive guy, soon bagged and bedded her—just as I discovered I was pregnant. I then saw his true colors. Chris tossed money at me and ordered me to get an abortion. I refuse,d but it was moot—a month later I began to bleed and started losing my child. I was so devastated that I became suicidal – when I finally lost my baby I was all alone in the hospital dealing with this loss. Luckily the hospital staff, who sorta knew the story—were awesome. Their care and advice helped me through a very trying time in my life. Long story short, it took me along time to heal and come back from that relationship.
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Out of the two scenarios, Chris hurt me the most. However, it never ever occurred to me to go out in the world and make men for pay for the fact that I had been hurt or used. Besides which, in time, I grew to realize that the men in my life had merely been immature, prone to error and human. I would gain nothing by hurting others.
I looked around and I saw that evil, mean spirited people were able to gain more than I had by just not giving a damn. It became tempting to turn into such a person.
I didn’t.
I simply internalized and tried to fix the part of me that kept making the mistakes I did. I discovered that I was tying to fill a void in my life and essentially “looking for love in all the wrong places.” I refused to date until I was sure I could stop making these choices.
When I re-merged, I was emotionally stronger—I soon met the man of my dreams. Many years happily married even after a baby (she made our bond even stronger), I feel as if Life has finally decided to give me the chance to give love and be loved in the way I always wanted. I would have never gotten there if I decided to turn into a horrible person in response to my pain.
In fact , just about a year ago, the man in first story looked me up via a mutual friend. He had grown to be successful, even working with great names like Jermaine Dupre and Mariah Carey. He had always been bothered by how things ended with us however, and told me so. “You were a great girlfriend, supportive, kind and loving,” he told me, “I didn’t appreciate it and I should have fought harder to be good to you—I just wanted you to know…”
To date, he is still unmarried and essentially alone.
I cried.
His words actually healed a place in my heart that was still broken—no matter what—even if we choose to hold our heads up high, we are still wounded by the arrows life pierce us with.
As for Chris, I have no idea what happened to him. The blond dumped him I know that much. I found no joy in that however. For me, I would feel happier knowing he has grown to become a better person, than in seeing him failed and hurting.
By becoming a better person, Chris would do the one thing that I think can make this world a better place—he can become an example to someone who was like him and perhaps, help him make different choices.
Dare to dream.
If we all would simply learn from our mistakes, grow and stop using our experiences as excuses to be jerks to one another, maybe there would be more love than hate in this world.
Again, dare to dream…
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