I want to know if guys agree with these rules quoted by "He's just not that into you." This is kind of for fun, since that movie is coming out and is based on a book that really makes it sound like women shouldn't initiate anything with men.
1. You shouldn't ask a guy out. If you have to ask him out, "he's just not that into you." 2. If he doesn't call you for 2 weeks, "he's just not that into you." 3. You should have to call him. He will do anything to get to you if he is into you. 4. He's going to make you feel comfortable and be upfront about what he wants out of the relationship immediately. If he's not, you guessed it, "he's just not that into you." 5. He's not shy, "he's just not that into you." 6. If he is not asking you out, "he's just not that into you." 7. If he doesn't return a call or a text (no matter what), you shouldn't give a guy the benefit of the doubt, "he's just not that into you."
I personally think most of this stuff is BS. I used to believe it and follow these stupid rules and I think that's what has me all mixed up. What do you think?
Update: I think the book is all about protecting a womans ego, personally. And you know what I have a lot of respect for the guys that have to go through rejection after rejection to get a girl to take notice. Books like this make you go against every instinct.
10 months ago
Update: Number 3 was you shouldn't have to call him. not that you should have to call him. BTW, but I'm guessing all of the answerers understood that. Thanks by the way for the response.
10 months ago
a one size fits all rulebook for dating makes good press, and may even werk for some ladies, but in the long run, just like in life, love is what you make it...
True. When they were giving a scenario about a shy guy that was giving her signals, but not asking the woman out, I had to turn off the book on CD. They told her if she's not asking her out, then "HNTIY". I put it back in it's case and said this is not going to help. I've had plenty of guy friends that never went up to women that they wanted to approach. It's definately not one size fits all. - 10 months ago
Answerer
Remember 'The Rules' and 'The Code'... those relationship books bacc in the late '90s? I read 'em both, and they were both full of crap. Love can't be controlled, as the heart is led into it- it don't make too much sense (it don't have to)... Ya ever read any relationship books that were of a different focus? - 9 months ago
Question Asker
Yeah, I heard about "the rules". I don't think I'll be reading that one. :-) - 9 months ago
1. I've dated girls who asked me out. It's kinda hot.
2. I can think of lots of girls I haven't called in two weeks who I'd still totally go out with if we got in touch again and she was interested.
3. There are lots of things I won't do if I'm into someone. In particular, if she blows me off repeatedly, I'll take the hint and stop calling her.
4. I try to do this, but it's not always easy. When we actually follow this rule, it tends to scare girls off. Imagine this on a first date: "I want to f*** your brains out, spend every weekend with you, and maybe get married some day."
5. Lots of guys are shy. I'm not so much now, but I was once.
6. Eh, this might be true. It depends. Sometimes it just means I don't think you're interested and I don't want to be one of those creepy dudes who keeps hitting on you anyway.
7. Total bullsh*t. Phones break, crises come up, distractions happen, and guys who aren't on Sex and the City sometimes have actual jobs and have to call you back later.
This book should be called "how to make sure men and women never get together!".
Seriously, this book is about how to make communications between the sexes even more confusing and even more missunderstanding. A girl posted this below, and here's my adaption (she captured the whole point beatifully!)
====If you follow this book, here's what happens==== -Girl is interested in boy -Boy likes her too -Having read too many crappy books, she acts weird and un-natural, she over-analyzes everything and her communication is anything but clear and obvious -Guy gets confused by her weird signals. At moments he thinks she loves him, at moments he thinks she hates him, and his body freezes... His natural instincts on how to act around her get thrown off (by her un-naturar behaviour) and the whole process gets delayed -Because of all the crappy books she's read, she interprets this delayed behaviour as him "playing games" or "not being into her, and concludes he doesn't like her, and then acts in kind -Now he's convinced she doesn't like him and does nothing. He's 100% convinced she's not interested, and he *wishes* she were interested... (sigh, I really liked her, too bad I don't have a chance...) and decides to be respectful and move on -No one ends up happy because of stupid assumptions.
Solution: Just effin communicate. People should communicate outright and not make stupid assumptions
Some of those are more likely to be a load of crap than anything else. I'll go through them:
1. Wrong! Just because a guy doesn't make the first move doesn't mean he doesn't like you - he's just too shy / not confident enough to ask you.
2. Possibly true - if he has the opportunity to call you and doesn't take it for 2 weeks, then it does look like he might just not be interested - or he doesn't want to seem too full-on and is instead waiting for you to call.
3. Why shouldn't the guy think the same way? If she's into him, then SHE should be the one to call - this one just depends on how stubborn the guy is :P
4. This one also depends on the individual guy. Personally I would do my best to make the girl comfortable but not necessarily tell her what I want out of the relationship. I'd let her get settled and see how things turn out.
5. Wrong again! There are plenty of guys out there that are just simply shy and can take a while to open up to the girl.
6. Very similar to the first point, and again Wrong!
7. Wrong! C'mon now... we're only human. "No matter what" is a bit harsh... what if we were typing a reply message, and suddenly BAM! We get wiped out by a bus and end up in hospital for several weeks... I'd say that's a good enough excuse not to reply straight away.
1) BS. I hate that idea. I've got a woman I'm interested in, and it's really frustrating, because I'm reading a serious level of disinterest from her. I offered my hand, she wouldn't hold it. When she was sick, I called her to say hello and tell her I hoped she felt better. No calls back. No initiation.
If she's interested, I'd be seriously surprised. Ball is in her court now.
I'm interested in girls, and I don't often ask them out. If it's obvious they're not interested in me, I don't bother.
Now, that being said, if I think they're interested, or I REALLY enjoy spending time with them and they've treated me well, then I would do it.
2) I tend to agree with that one, BUT the woman should call too. Don't just wait by the phone. If he calls you, and you don't answer, and he leaves a message, don't avoid calling him back just because you're the girl.
3) I won't go to the ends of earth to call a woman. But I will call a woman I'm interested in (or message them); unless I feel it's inappropriate I don't even feel right about calling up someone if a friend gives me their number. If it's not given to me BY THEM, then I don't feel right about calling them if it's not "business" even if I want to. It takes me a while to get the courage to get a number, because almost every time I've asked, I've been treated horribly and the girls have had very loud public freakouts to "hey, we should hang out this week, what's your phone number?
4) He may not know what he wants out of the relationship right away. Or even if it WILL be a relationship; if he's honest though, then even if the answer isn't a "I want oodles of babies with you now!" then give him chance. Now, he may not "volunteer that info" right away, but if you ask, then he should be honest. If he's not, then he's isn't that interested.
5) I'm shy. It took me 4-5 dates to kiss my first girlfriend. And I was so nervous. I was interested in her, but I was freaked about getting rejected.
I rarely ask out women because well, "you're just not that into me." Yeah, like I'm going to publicly embarrass myself and have you ridicule me to all your friends when I barely know you.
I was at this party, and I saw a woman I'm interested in. I hadn't seen her in months. I barely know her, because we don't see each other much. Frankly, I have no idea how to ask her out any time soon, and I don't want to come across as creepy if I ask about her to her friends. It feels kind of "stalker-ish."
7) I agree with that one. However, if he does return the call with e-mail, or returns an e-mail with a call, then you're still ok.
8) There's something in the book (or so I'm told) where it says "If the guys not trying to sleep with you by the third date, then he's just not that into you." WRONG. First off, I'm waiting for marriage. It kind of tells women that they should be "putting out" by the third date if they want to keep the guy, or there's something wrong with the guy if he doesn't jump you right away.
1. Its ok to ask a guy out (Sometimes), some guys are afraid of rejection to such a point that the slightest deterrent will crush their confidence, so new rule, If you mention something that might deter a guy from asking you out, either, 1 explain it out so he understands that its ok or not a big deal, or 2 that's when its ok to at the end of your conversation suggest another meeting say a cup of coffee or a lunch to catch up.
2. If he doesn't call you in 2 weeks, he's just not that into you, yea I guess I have to agree with that one, but there's always the possibility that he lost your number so it never hurts to add him on myspace or for you older folks just keep another line of communication open.
3. I'm guessing that is supposed to say shouldn't, that is true with about 80% of guys, if there into you they will try too hard lol, and if you think they aren't trying to hard that just because you have no idea what they've done, and as for the other 20%, they might be a little to advanced for that rule, all guys know, or think that girls don't like guys that act too interested, its only the guys who can control themselves enough to make it seem like their not interested that seem play it cool. <----hence the reason you like them.
4 Ok this is where it differs not necessarily from guy to guy but type of guy. If he's the smooth confident type, he will make you feel comfortable and he might seem to be upfront with what he wants but when your looking for that suave handsome charming type, then your always going to run the risk of ending up with a guy who is lying to you about what he wants and only wants one thing, yadda yadda we all know that story. If he's the stupid yet love-able type he won't always be able to express what he's truly looking for. so you might have to pry a little to pull it out of him, but use discretion, no one likes a nosey bitch (sry). and if he's the type that not smooth, lacks confidence but is the nicest sweetest most genuine guy in the world now that guy won't really be able to make you comfortable, your gonna have to make yourself comfortable and he's not going to believe in himself enough to believe that you would ever want with him what he wants with you, so your gonna have to show him that you are.
5 That's crap, if he's shy, he might just be shy. If girls can be genuinely shy so can guys. Some people like that, I guess lol
6 I'd re-word that one a little, more like, If he's not asking to talk to/see you again, then he's just not that into you
7. Wrong. Cell phones are more unreliable then you think, if you call him, leave a message, and if he doesn't return your txt, wait a day or 2 then call, his phone might have been off. but if you message him on myspace, and you look and it says read, then f*** it. lol
I knew a few of these "rules" but that book sounds as like it is a reprint from the fifties or even pre-WW2 (yep, I heard some of those old things when I was young(er))
There's no one set of rules that applies to every guy (or girl!) but there ARE some things that are true often enough to not be complete garbage. Here are my reactions...
1) Knowing someone is interested makes you look at them and kind of go "Hmm...I wonder." I've definitely had girls flirt or ask me out and I thought "Well I wasn't chasing you but you ARE cute now that I look at you, and you seem cool..."
2) I agree! If a guy goes 2 weeks without calling, it would be weird if he actually liked you.
3) The only real exception is when a guy is really trying not to seem needy, or isn't confident enough that YOU like HIM...so he's waiting to see if he hears from you, and you're waiting to hear from him.
4) What?! So every guy communicates really well and aggressively makes his feelings known?! What?! Real life isn't THAT much like a romance movie. You have to physically torture most guys to make us do that. Sorry.
5) Lies! Even the "really outgoing guy who seems shameless and confident" can like a girl and be a complete coward around her because she throws him off his game.
6) Not necessarily. Guys can be into you but not be confident enough to ask you out. If you flirt a little and they don't ask you out, they can be uninterested OR just wusses.
7) Some of us see you called and just think "OK, I'll call her when it's a good time and I'm not distracted" or get a text and don't respond because we don't want to feel obligated to reply to EVERYTHING you text us.
I totally agree with point #1. When you think somebody might be interested they are much more likely to be put on the dating possibilities list. - 8 months ago
The Scouting Report. Answer to question 1)not true times have changed it's now sociable accepted 2)half truth unless you know the guys"busy"defined as school,work,friends,family But if the guy isn't busy all the time than it's true 3)yes true 4)yes 5)not true 6)not true 7)lol that's a good one not true ever hear of being busy
It's voodoo with new title. Guys are very similar to women. They like attention and sex and they don't like being humiliated. I take any deference at all to "the rules" as a big red flag and time to pack up my lube and make good my escape.
The book for "The Rules" targets an increasingly shrinking niche of men. Basically, the men of interest are pea-minded, persistent cowboys that are somehow rich and successful in career.
The book teaches women how to manipulate men. Can it work? Yes, especially on the correct population of men, ones who will call 4 times just to get 1 reply and who will let women flake without consequence. I doubt such manipulative, co-dependent relationships would be fulfilling.
If the goal is simply to get married, regardless of how healthy the relationship is, then the book works.
Good answer. It's true. If a woman wants to marry a jerk then she can use a "cook book" for trapping someone. I guess the same could be said for men if there is such a "cook book" out there for getting a woman with issues. :-) - 8 months ago
These rules sound perfect. If you are a helpless girl from the 50's who's life long dream is to be a housewife and if your idea of woman's empowerment is finding a plug for the vacuum.
Between this and a few other books I've heard of I wonder how long it will be until some "relationship expert" comes along advocating women to wait for a guy to whack her in the head and drag her to his home by her hair.
If a guy isn't making the first move, but you think he likes you, he's probably shy. I missed MANY opportunities to ask girls out when I was younger out of shyness. If he's not reciprocating your attention on a regular basis, then he's probably not that into you, and you should maintain your self-respect by not chasing him. A real man that is interested in you won't play hard to get.
I like how almost all the guys say the rules are bullshit and none said they all were true, while most girls said that either some are true or they're true for some guys...
I think we know ourselves better than you ladies do, sorry to burst the bubble there. But I'm going to have to agree, these rules are pretty much all bullshit. 1. Guys like being asked out, especially shy guys, it's incredibly flattering. 2. If he doesn't call for two weeks he might be absent minded, or just shy, or maybe lost his phone, etc. 3. Why does the guy have to do all the work? Why does it have to be always that the guy has to chase the girl around and the girl is just the passive receptor? A lot of guys hate that they have to initiate EVERYTHING. It's a lot of pressure 4. That's assuming he has tons of self-confidence and is a very well adjusted, assertive kind of guy, which is very rare. Yes, guys tend to be more direct and straightforward than girls... but seriously? The most successful relationships are built on at least a little bit of deception. 5. Yeah... he is shy... guys are shy... it happens. I was one of them. I've had girls I wanted more than anything else to confront and ask out but just didn't have the balls to... The very idea that someone would suggest shyness doesn't exist in guys is offensive. That seriously bugs me. 6. See number 1... he could be shy... he could think you're out of his league, might be afraid of rejection, maybe he thinks YOU don't like him... etc. etc. etc. 7. This sounds like the same rule as before but again... it's just bullshit. Maybe he's absent minded? Maybe he's shy? Maybe he doesn't know what to say or is insecure and unsure of how to respond. Girls tend to analyze the shit out of every little word and action so maybe he's worried about how something he says will be received.
All in all... any manual that says "here's a be-all end-all-here guidebook to dating guys" is a load of shit, and this one is perhaps the most unrealistic one I've ever seen. Don't be so gullible as to fall for this shit.
LOOL unfortunately most girls fall for this stuff [guilty !] we get so wrapped up in that guy that we like that we forget guys are people too plus we really want you all to ask us out - 9 months ago
Ditto to what this guy said. I've missed many opportunities because I didn't have the guts to go through with it. There is such a thing as a guy being shy. Also, there were girls that I knew for a fact were crazy about me (based on what people in the know told me) and I was crazy about them, but they played stupid games and got me so confused that I didn't know what to do. - 9 months ago
I like to think that the guys should do all the asking out, only because I'm too nervous to do it myself and I just want to turn the blame to someone else XD - 9 months ago
I think that each "rule" could be true for guys but they definitely don't apply to all guys. Take #5 for example: a naturally shy guy happens to really like you but he's just too shy to start talking to you. Does this mean he's not into you? Hell no, he's probably obsessed with you but just can't get out of his shell. I wouldn't put any faith in these rules if I were you.
Okay well I agree that SOME guys really ARE shy. I have to admit...I've experienced shyness myself, as well as known that some guys who are shy have indeed been interested in me. I almost got the impression that the guy was NOT into me, or the guy is playing games w/myfeelings. That's how a shy guy can come across sometimes.
BUT! MY question is: How does a girl know when a guy is into her but SHY, vs. when he's REALLY just NOT into her? How can a girl tell the difference? - 9 months ago
Answerer
If he's shy but is interested in her it will be difficult for him to initiate contact. He'll light up and smile if she starts talking to him, although it might take a couple tries to bring him out of his shell. You should be able to tell by the way he talks to you, especially if you two exchange numbers. Texting./online chat are much easier ways to talk for shy guys. Try talking to him online and try to get him to talk about himself a little. - 9 months ago
Answerer
If he's not into you his answers will be shorter and he won't really help move the conversation along. Then again, he might do this if he's shy too. Haha it can be a fine line but his body language should show if he's into you or not. Hope that helps. - 9 months ago
1.Rejection is rough. But confidence is a turn on for women when a man ask them out. If a girl ask a guy out it shows she is confident and that's a turn on. 2. definite 3.Are you into him? If so show him, call him. 4.Some guys know what they want and are confident enough to let you know. Others... 5.Everyone is insecure and "shy" in their own way. 6.Back to 1 7.Do guys get a little break. These principles I posted are not just subjected to guys, but relationships. Whether you like it or not relationships are two way streets that need input from both sides. Girls be a little more lenient with guys we're trying honestly we're just not sure how to try better.
1. Everybody fears rejection. The ones who ask you out are just willing to risk it. 2. True. 3. Call once in a while, to let him know he still has a chance. 4 False. You feel the girl out, first, and she what she's ready to hear. 5. Some guys are shy. Duh. 6. See 5. 7. Family emergency? Business emergency? Broken phone? Be real. Three, four, five unreturned calls (really, three) that's different.
They are pretty much saying not to call him at all, so I could understand why a guy wouldn't call for two weeks if a girl was giving him mixed signals. ha ha - 9 months ago
Answerer
If a girl NEVER EVER CALLS, EVER, I start thinking "not interested" and I move on. - 9 months ago
OK, this is my new favorite quote: "Everybody fears rejection. The ones who ask you out are just willing to risk it." Can I use it?? lol pleeaasee!!! lmbo, not seriously, it's really good!!!! - 9 months ago
well it really depends. I think each of us, as people, need to truly understand what it is we want out of a partner. I know that if a guy does all the things above (ask you out, call you, text you, constantly seeks attention) well then it just backfires. so its a balance... I mean honestly if a girl followed all the rules above how would the guy know the girl was into him? it works both ways.
It is a good list of things that each of us, men and women, should try to understand. Once a person understands the list they may be able to make a better decision and actually clear up some confusion in their own head.
I'm just checking are you saying if the girl is equally calling the guy, asking him out, etc? Do you think that is a better combination? I think when both people are "into each other" and show it, it can work out well. - 9 months ago
Answerer
Well men, just like women, want someone who is interested in them. So all these "rules" can be given to a man to follow too. so if a woman follows these rules and the man also follows these rules what is the result? nothing... - 9 months ago
i'd agree with 2 (assuming he hasn't given an upfront reason) &
7 kind of, we might be busy at the time, but there's no excuse for forgetting about you altogether, and not getting back in touch later, when we're not busy.
anyone that would believe all the rest of this stuff, it says more about them. ie they have some kind of superiority complex . I've never met a person that didn't have some problem.
I didn't have a superiority complex when I believed most of these. Just like anything, when you are taught it all your life from many different directions you start to believe them. Also, when we meet a guy that seems to follow these rules, it confirms it in our mind. Kind of like the "nice guy" theory. The theory that girls don't like "nice guys" is false, too, but some guys believe it. - 10 months ago
Look at the girls answers to the poll. They do. This might be why men get so frustrated with us right now. I'd laugh, but it's not funny. - 10 months ago
All but the 2nd one is complete BS. Even the second one is open to discussion if say you see him every day anyways, so it might take him longer to call, instead of waiting for face to face interaction.
1. This rule is for traditional people who believe the guy ALWAYS needs to initiate things, but it's the 21st century and anyone of either gender should be able to ask for a date, case closed. 2. This one has some truth to it - if a guy was interested, he would generally call within a few days after a date. 3. Some guys do have confidence issues that they need to deal with, but it doesn't mean they're not interested. But those confidence problems can prove to be a stumbling block if not overcome. 4. Comfortable, yes. Dictating relationship expectations immediately? Likely no, I would think many women would find that pushy and demanding at the very start. 5. Coming from a recovering shy guy, I can testify that this one is complete fertilizer. 6. Sometimes true, if a guy really wants the chance to date a girl, he will ask her out unless he's very shy. 7. Total B.S., we could be occupied doing any number of things at the time or our phones might be off or recharging.
1. False. If you like someone ask them out. 2. Sometimes true. 3. Some guys won't do anything. Fear of rejection. 4. False. Not everyone is so direct. 5. Lol. False. 6. Again. False. 7. I'm beginning to wonder if this is the work of a pissed off femnazi.
Switch these rules around and you'll see how little sense they make. If a gal doesn't ask a guy out, is she just not into him? If she doesn't come right out and say what she wants, is she just not into him? If she's shy, is she -- well, you see where I'm going with this. Most of the confusion between men and women would be solved by a SIMPLE solution -- being upfront and acting on your feelings. If you like someone, tell them. Both sexes fear rejection, but it seems like too many women feel that it is not their job to make the first move, plan the dates, pay for the dates, or do anything else other than look pretty.
Wrong. If you want something to follow, then follow your feelings. When you want something, go for it. Using your gender as an excuse to not do something you know you should will only hurt you.
I'm replying to the rules; I recognize that you think they're BS, so don't take it personally. :)
All marketing/sales/advertising/branding are based on creating an illusion of fear (something you are afraid of, i.e. not looking good, not smelling good, not being considered clean, normal etc.) and having a solution that you will buy. Women buy on emotion. Women act on emotion. Women vote on emotion. The author/publisher knows that. Those words/rules are what zillions of women are "thinking". They are intended/designed to produce a reaction so you will buy it. It's working.
Lol yeah I'm not following any of that BS anymore - 10 months ago
Answerer
Thank God! You have far too much going for you to get placed in that trap. The secret is to cause your world, with emotions as a guide, rather than react through the powerful filter of our fake fears. - 10 months ago
Question Asker
Yeah, I got the CD from the library out of curiousity. It just made me angry at the author, because I think many a relationship has been ruined by thinking you can't be real with people. It's like he is encouraging women to play games. I wish more men would tell us that that stuff is bull. I've only had one tell me. - 10 months ago
1. A lot of guys are shy, and even if they are into you, they don't have the nerve to face rejection.
2. If he doesn't call for 2 weeks it could be for a few reasons: maybe he wants the woman to call and make him feel like she wants to talk to him, maybe he's extremely busy, etc.
3. The guy shouldn't have to do all the work and make all the contact. I do that with my ex now and it makes me feel like she isn't interested, and I'm not gonna waste my time if the girl won't attempt to call me or text me.
4. Some guys are reserved with their feelings.
5. A lot of guys are shy, so he is into you, he's just. . .uhm. . .SHY!
6. See number 5.
7. Complete bullshit. We deserve the benefit of the doubt because we could be busy, or are phone could die, or any other hundreds of reasons.
How the hell did this guy sell any books? He needs to stick to stand up comedy, at least that was funny, this book is just sad.
Good for you telling it like it is. I'm listening to his CD just for curiousity sake and it's like BS, BS, BS. I did follow some of this before from previous misinformation I got from other stupid books, other women's advice, etc. I'm going on strike from the rules. And I don't know how he sold any books! - 10 months ago
Answerer
Well guys usually break up with girls, so I think its more for those girls who are feeling down and maybe looking for reasons why the guy broke up with them. - 10 months ago
Question Asker
Hmm, you really think guys usually break up with girls? I thought it was probably about 50/50. It's supposed to be a dating advice book. The movie is I'm sure for entertainment. The book is downright demoralizing. - 10 months ago
Answerer
I always thought more guys broke up with girls, but I suppose it makes sense for it to be 50/50. But yeah the book is dumbshit crazy. - 10 months ago
Question Asker
Curious of why you think more guys "breakup" with girls/women? - 9 months ago
i said othhhher because I hadn't read the book or seen the movie yet, but I plan on doing so:] but after reading the "rules", I'd say some apply to guys maybe, but some are made up. I don't know I don't follow them;p
I think most of them are true and for the most part only useful for the initial stages of dating. But can you imagine being in a long term relationship or marriage where the GF/Wife NEVER called? I mean, what if she needed you to pick up milk or something? It's like they're expecting every guy to meet the magic girl that turns him into the perfect boyfriend by the shear fact that it's "TRUE LOVE." Because the perfect boyfriend that is REALLY into you calls every day so you don't HAVE to call him to tell him to pick up milk.
I do however think the "rules" are a good starting point for getting girls to have some standards and not put up with guy's games (yeah they play them too!) or players.
Wow! I'm totally burning that book after reading all these comments! Its fascinating to me that most of the guys don't think its true! What?! Hang on...isn't that the whole premise of the book that they ALL think like that? Because of course, all women are the same too ;-)
I do believe that the general theme of the book is kinda true though... when a guy is 'into you', you really don't need to tick off a checklist...you really do just know and it just clicks. When we start referring to the book for guidance I'd say its cos we're looking for justification, because something isn't quite right.
I also do think its possible we do sabotage ourselves when he doesn't reply to our text within 5 minutes, actually does think we're out of his league or w/e so doesn't ask us out, or thinks we're uninterested because we don't ever call/text him. Then we assume it's because he's "just not that into" us so we back away, feel insecure and potentially give him the vibe we're "just not that into him"!
So I guess it's about taking the generalised view of how a good relationship should be, but not discarding someone just because they don't follow the 'rules', and allowing what ever degree of flexibility YOU feel comfortable with to make it work.
It's all relative. No doubt there is some truth to these mantras, but honestly relationships are not that simple. I guess a way to look at it would be:
-Girl is interested in boy -Vice versa -Boy takes a little too much time to act on it for various reasons -Girl who lives by these rules decides boy has no interest in her, and acts accordingly -Boy decide that girl is no longer interested, does nothing -No one ends up happy because of stupid assumptions.
Clearly if you decide nothing will ever happen, you start acting differently toward the person and he can read that.
My friend read the book this summer and tried to convert me. The book claims that there are always exceptions to the rules. It than goes on to say that life is just simpler if you "realize" that you ARE the rule and not the exception. I guess this is a way to live-- but I would rather believe that I am the exception.
I actually believe that in heterosexual couples, women are the one who choose who their partner will be on a subconscious level; at least in places where society allows choice in coupling. I believe most animals are wired that way. Take a look at birds, the males are the colorful ones and that's because the have to attract their female. Peacocks are all shimmer and shine, but peahens are pretty drab looking. The peacock has to try and seduce her, hoping dearly that she will find that his feathers extend far enough for her taste.
I know many happy couple in which the woman was the initiator. I have single dude friends who have been too shy to pursue their lady interests. I also have attractive single girlfriends who rarely get hit on, at least by any one of quality. I guess the only logical conclusion is that if you like smarmy guys these rules should work well for you.
I believe that book also states at some point that men who enjoy being asked out are lazy. Wouldn’t that imply that women who always expect to be asked out and wait around for it to happen are also, in turn, lazy?
Courting just isn't as simple as it was back in the day. It has become socially acceptable for women to court men. What do you really have to lose? If you and him both do nothing, you’ll probably be burdened with what could have been. If the person means enough to you either act on it or always wonder.
Otherwise you can decide that it really is all a game with a very rigid set of rules in which all men are alpha types who have the upper hand. You’re probably better off believing in these rules than.
"""" -Girl is interested in boy -Vice versa -Boy takes a little too much time to act on it for various reasons -Girl who lives by these rules decides boy has no interest in her, and acts accordingly -Boy decide that girl is no longer interested, does nothing -No one ends up happy because of stupid assumptions.
Clearly if you decide nothing will ever happen, you start acting differently toward the person and he can read that. ""
YES, exactly, you captured it perfectly. Self-fullfilling prophec - 5 months ago
1. He might take his time on it and not ask you out as soon as you want, but if he really wants to go out with you eventually he'll ask you. Especially if you flirt and show him that you like him.
2. Duh! If you go 2 weeks without talking to me and then try to pick me back up like a chess piece then someone else has obviously had your attention and you weren't THAT into me.
3. It's okay to call him if you have regular phone conversations. But if you're calling him more than he's calling you then he doesn't like you that much or you're too clingy.
4. Yes, if he's not upfront his intentions are probably bad, yes I said it.
5. I don't waste time trying to figure out if a guy is shy or if he doesn't like me. If he was that interested he would man up and make a move before someone else did.
6. Yep.
7. If he wants to talk to you he'll return your calls. Maybe not at that second, but you won't go a week without hearing from him.
Actions speak louder than words, if you're not putting effort into it then I'm not going to put in double effort. I'm not saying girls shouldn't try, but the problem is some girls try too hard. That's how some girls end up getting played because if you sit back and watch a lot of times you can tell how the guy really feels about you. Stop trying to be in competition with other girls and let the guy come to you. He will if he wants to, anything else is just an excuse.
Thank you! This is what I was trying to say in my post. I agree. Actions speak louder than words...Don't pay so much attention to what a guy says...believe more what he DOES. - 9 months ago
those kinds of book, he's not that into you, men are from mars..., art of seduction, the game, etc. I think they ruined me for life. when I go out on dates, I try to analyze every movement and every gesture a guy makes.
Good for you for admitting that. It's part of the answer to what to do. We should just have fun with the person we are with and if they don't accept us we can move on before it gets bad enough for us to want to seek a book that will have the answer. - 9 months ago
Yeah I agree. I have most of those relationship books, and now it makes me OVERanalyze guys too much.
I just assume that if a guy isn't doing anything, then he must not be interested! Plain and simple!
But...idk...maybe that's not always true? - 9 months ago
Question Asker
I thought the men are from mars serious was actually pretty good, but maybe for the 30's crowd. I only listened to the one about long-term relationships though and not one geared towards dating. It was kind of pointing out how our differences can compliment each other as long as we don't harp on the differences and embrace them. - 9 months ago
I hear ya girl! But you'll soon be your own self again. It ruined me for a few years, but now I just decided that I am going to be upfront - though I do make sure that I let him know my feelings in doses that he can handle so I'm not coming on too strong. - 8 months ago
It's all true, a man will make his intentions clear at all costs. He will make a complete fool out of himself for the right woman and the others will disappear;
If a guy is not into you he will not give you the time of day. He's not leaving his wife for you; he's not going to cancel watching sports for you; he's not going to pay your rent, car note, mortgage or drag you kid around because you need some time. He won't respond to your text messages, phone calls, emails etc. When the woman he's into wants to do something, he will drop you in a NY Minute...and that's fast.
If a guy is into you; he will make sacrifices, dump the woman he's with, pay all your bills, and drag your kid around just so that he can prove himself to you.
How do I know? Cause I live it, test it, and use my woman's intuition. Listen to "When a man love's a woman" Never has anything been so true. If he's that into you, he cannot risk you getting away from him. So if he's moving in Italy, you will go with him...True, True, True.
So in the midst of all this paying your bills, car note, canceling watching sports, etc. what efforts are you putting forth? Just curious.. - 9 months ago
Answerer
The point is that, if a man is really into a woman she doesn't have2do anything extra2get the man2do anything at all. If a man is NOT into a woman, she has2jump through all sorts of hoops (whining, flirting, crying, putting-out)being someone other than her normal self 2get him2do simple shit like date,take the trash out LOL!I don't have2put forth any effort other than being myself. I'm the bomb like, tic-tic! Men anticipate my expectations, execute accordingly& I don't put out or play games.KRL - 9 months ago
If a guy doesn't start go after me I think he's not that into me. There's a difference between a guy going after you because you're there and he thinks he has a chance and him really wanting you. I'm not saying I can call you at work and you're supposed to pick up on the first ring, but if he leaves you hanging and barely puts effort into it then he doesn't like you that much. Thumbs up. If you have to chase a guy then he's not worth it. - 9 months ago
Answerer
@ALWAYSclassy...totally agree. I believe most people don't know when someone is really into them. I remember this chick was interested in my Boyfriend&had a crush on him4a while. He cooked all sorts of things4me, lobster, shrimp scampi, calamari,porter steaks etc. He took me to Legal Seafood on our 1st date, the bill was well over $200.00. She was trying2prove2me that he had an interest in her LOL!The most he ever did4her was cook crispy spaghetti (yuk)&take her money&give it to me!Not into her - 9 months ago
I know a LOT of guys (really great ones) who are completely turned off by a woman who would ALLOW them to spend outrageous amounts of money or pay their bills! Are there guys willing to be used by women? Sure. (As there are women willing to be doormats.) The important thing is the feeling behind it. I'd be turned off by a guy spending $200 on a first date. A guy who makes me a sandwich for a picnic in the park? Romantic! And I'd NEVER let a man pay my bills!!! How narcissistic! - 5 months ago
I suspect the reason there are dating books like this are for the girls who have a tendancy to obsess about someone they barely know. The ones who are just too clingy too soon, and are certain that a particular guy is 'the one' when they're really only just beginning to date. So it does have a certain value for people like that, just telling them to 'chill out' and that maybe this dude isn't the be-all and end-all.
For the rest of the population though, I agree that it's not very useful at all.
lmao i read this book at the end of 8th/start of 9th grade n& actually believed this stuff after reading what the guys on here had to say i feel foolish for believing it back then ^^; but hey...i was into a guy, I was young, and a little naive
now that I look back on it now these 'rules' are BS because a man and woman have to have equal parts in a relationship not just have the guy doing all the work so there are absolutely no rules in love/attraction
I have to say, that I believe women believe these things because of the lack of communication between the sexes.. if guys and girls alike started to be more honest, and stop asking everyone else about their relationships, we wouldnt' have books like this around, and we would be able to sort the shit out.
i hate that book, its all common sense. Judge a man on his actions, men are pretty straight forward, there not manipulative etc, there simple creatures! if they like you then they work towards it their own time. Unfortunately, they take ages! to phone back which is torture for the girl! I hate the dating game!
i don't think women handle rejection very well and I don't know what to thinking about the book I have read it, some of it is funny on purpose but I doubt any of those were actual letters from women, anywho you have to think "maybe he isn't that into me" on certain occasions and its perfectly fine, because not everyone is going to be into you lord knows I know that very well, we just have to learn ourselfs if we think he's just not that into me move on and try to find someone who is going to be into us
Another person with some wisdom. Yeah, it does help just to know that your not a bad or ugly person if the guy doesn't like you. Just as if you don't like the guy it doesn't make him not a good guy. I've tried to will myself to like really nice/attractive guys before. It doesn't work for us either if we "aren't into them.". :-) - 9 months ago
The book is a catch 22. A lot of the things written in that book could be accurate but I have to agree that some are not. It really just depends on the situation, especially with things like the guy not calling. I have to for once agree with the guys on this one, it can be a bit unfair.
I think a man's response to you depends entirely on his emotional maturity and willingness to give serious thought to the kind of person you are verses the kind of woman he thinks he wants. If it's his nature to be cautious, no phone calls for two weeks (which is an eternity to women) is nothing to be worried over because to him...2 weeks is no time at all. If he's approached you romantically and then stopped communicating with you then yeah, he's probably decided you're not the one. If he's feeling you out because he's seriously interested in you for something long term...he will take his time because he's afraid to make the wrong choice. Geez...lol. I think I just answered my own question.
I don't because it doesn't allow for any situation that could happen like an LDR or if the woman hasn't called him in that two weeks either. - 10 months ago
N/A
When: 10 months ago
It's kinda intimidating to respond to a question like this when you know the poll asker is already biased toward the opposite opinion. Anyways...through life experience I have found these "rules" to be correct, with maybe the exception of #5 (being shy). There really doesn't need to be a book because all it does is say common sense stuff, but some girls just don't get it and that is why this book came out. If the guy doesn't call you for two weeks-he's not into you... DUH! LOL. (unless he is in Iraq or something like that)
I think it's good for a girl to follow these rules (within reason) because it shows guys they need to put in more effort to maintain a realtionship. If girls always asked guys out, if they're always the one to call/text first, if the girl is the first one to be upfront about the relationship immediatly etc. then what is left for the guy to do? Maybe that's why SOME boys out there aren't men and don't treat girls as good as they should-because us women are doing the things they should be doing. I think it's necessary for a guy to be rejected so when he finlly finds someone right for him-he will be more appreciative since he had to put forth the patience and effort to be with her.
Most women will NOT make the first moves; they think it's up to the guy. You're implying that is not the case -- which from what I've seen irl and on this website, is far from true. Even if your assumption was correct and women did everything, why should the solution be for the guys to do it all? (Referencing "us women are doing the things they should be doing"). Wouldn't a better solution be for women to lose their sense of entitlement, and for men to be more confident? - 10 months ago
When men are constantly rejected they become bitter and look for an alternative. Hookups, one night stands - no rejection there. Guys hope that women would do more because it's often viewed as their 'job' to ask, plan, and pay for the dates. Having a gal do the asking would be huge, but it certainly doesn't mean we're no longer going to do it. Not all women are like you, thankfully. This doesn't mean they're ALWAYS asking, it just means they act on their feelings. Something BOTH sexes should do. - 10 months ago
Answerer
Maybe you didn't read my response closely enough...I obviously don't assume women make the first move always...Thus the words " "IF" girls always asked guys out;MAYBE, and SOME ." I am a girl-most of my friends are girls-so I know many of us don't do this. I have no idea what "sense of entitlement" you're talking about. Just because a girl doesn't go and throw herself at a guy doesn't mean she feels entitled to him. Women cannot make men feel confident-it's something they need to feel for themselves - 10 months ago
Answerer
I knew if I responded to this I was going to be attacked-and I was right. I used to not think like this. I was head over heals for this guy everything started good then he started doin things from the list: he didn't ask me out much anymore-so I did. He didn't call for 2 wks and I gave him the benefit of a doubt. I had to call him-otherwise I would never get confirmation for our plans. He was not upfront about what he wanted from the relationship-but I was.He would'nt answer my texts but I gave - 10 months ago
Answerer
Him the benefit of a doubt. Guess what? It turns out he just wasn't that into me lol. He took me for granted because I would never get mad at him for doin these things to me. Secretly, I think he was laughing at me. But now he wants me back so the joke's on him. I think a guy will treat a girl as good as she treats herself. I think if a guy is sincerely interested in someone-nothing will stop him. - 10 months ago
"Sense of entitlement" was in reference to the fact that many (not all) girls feel that it's the man's job to make the first move. Also, I was not suggesting that women were supposed to give men confidence; I was suggesting that women stop thinking that someone else will (should) make the first move, and that men should stop taking rejection so hard -- more confidence, less self-pity. The overall message was that BOTH should act on their feelings, not just one in particular. - 10 months ago
Answerer
I'm the realistic type of girl. I don't really make spur of the moment emotional decisions when it comes to someone I'm interested in. I don't really care what a guy SAYS, I care about what a guy DOES(that is basically the jist of the rules) I've had to learn this the hard way. That is the reason I don't hit on guys. I like to observe what he does-and I don't want to take away his opportunity to do that. I will make myself look approachable, friendly and if he decides to ask me out-great... - 10 months ago
Answerer
If not, maybe it wasn't meant to be, perhaps he's not into me enough. But some other guy will ask me out, so I'm not stressing over it. - 10 months ago
Question Asker
I think when you find a good guy, if you send him mixed signals he's gonna head for the door. A good guy that wants a relationship with a woman is going to love it if you are showing him attention. It's just like with us. When we have someone showing us attention we don't like we try to get rid of them gently. When we like them a lot we try to figure out how to keep them. - 9 months ago
Who said anything about mixed signals? I never said anything about acting disinterested when you are or anything. I still flirt with the guy-show I'm interested-but I'm not like "o lets go on a date" When you say "it's just like with us" I have to disagree:they are NOT like us. A good guy will try to earn your attention, not just expect it right off the bat. If a guy is really interested in you, he's not gonna head for the door just because you don't show him all this attention in the beginning - 9 months ago
Maybe this book is a reverse psychology type thing? Because look at the reaction - things that we question every day, ESPECIALLY on this site, are things we should know in our hearts anyway. Instead we overanalyze and ask way too many questions... when the answer is so obvious.
Going AGAINST this book is what we're supposed to do - we're supposed to realize the signals when they're so incredibly obvious.
Because face it, before this book and these "rules", you were on here asking questions about the behaviors of your significant other, or crush, love interest, whatever... and now all of the sudden we realize that making rules in the first place, or reading signals is just plain stupid. And a waste of time.
When you know, you know! You don't need a book to dictate your love life.
Total BS. I mean, it probably applies to some guys, but they're certainly not RULES. Some of these aren't even realistic, and based off the image of the "perfect guy," who doesn't exist and would probably annoy me if he did. These things probably screw up a lot of girls, who wait for guys that follow every single rule, and feel like they're settling if they don't get it, not realizing that they're probably better off.
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