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The Secret To A Happy, Healthy Relationship
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What is going on with relationships today? I am, as most of you might know, a big rock and roll head, so I listen to the new and old stuff a lot. One of the things I noticed recently was that, while the old rock and roll had its share of angst filled relationship songs, there was a lot about love, sacrifice, and endearing emotions. Noteworthy in particular, was the idea of giving to the other person.
Today's rock is full of bitterness and hatred towards the opposite sex. If guys aren't lamenting that their woman is a demanding "rhymes-with-witch", women are telling dudes off and acting superior to their male partners.
I get the whole, "lets try to be cool and strong" thing, but is animosity truly strength? And why is it that the common denominator in these songs appears to be rifts that were created between a man and a woman to the point that so much anger built in the first place?
I truly think the messages in these songs are indicative of modern day relationships as a whole. They highlight the idea of extreme "meism", namely, "I am pissed off you wanted something from me at all, how dare you!" This self-centered approach to contemporary romance is what is killing the pursuit of true love and creating animosity between the sexes. The remedy to this is, of course, very simple. Stop wanting everything handed to you and start giving a little in return.
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Now, this isn't to say that it is inherently evil to desire something in particular out of our relationships. For the love of all that is Holy, let us please start evaluating the "why" of things. So many people enter into marriage, sexual relationships, even having children with a knee jerk "this is what I am supposed to do" type of response, when they should be asking themselves if any of the above things are what they truly want out of life.
Knowing what you want is a good thing. Knowing how to give is even better. This battle-scarred veteran of love wars knows from whence she speaks, but I was on the opposite end of the spectrum. I had a ton o' love I wanted to give, but I didn't know exactly what I was looking for. I spent a lot of time tossing my pearls before swine so to speak.
Then I ran into HIM, the man who also had a lot to give and wanted to do so with the right person. I ask you, what do you think happens when two givers finally manage to meet up? They share. This sharing brings them closer to one another because both are getting their needs met. They aren't selfishly attempting to manipulate one another to achieve their own ends. They genuinely seek to love and help one another, because it is in their nature to do so. People who seek solely after their own needs will never be happy in relationships!
Why? Because relationships are reciprocal. What we give is what we receive. If your send out bitterness, tricks and hatred, you get it back. Besides, when we try to extract things by force or manipulation, what happens? We meet resistance. The more we try to get what we want through these means, the more frustrated not only our mates become, but we ourselves.
It is self-defeating. And what is the result? The nagging that men dread; the cold aloofness that women fear. That is because, by our own mean-spirited, selfish actions, we poison love, and what is worse, we seek to blame the other person. They were so angry! They yelled! They weren't positive enough! Perhaps true. Or could all these responses been indicative of a failure on your end to communicate or care about the feelings of your partner? When love and hope dies, it is like a hellcatit strikes out in anger and pain and destroys what could have potentially been a good thing.
Instead of leaving relationships with pent up anger, we should learn from them. Take from it new goals and fresh perspectives. Above all, see where we could have erred and attempt to approve.
No one is 100 percent innocent in break-ups even if it was simply allowing ourselves to be used. If this was the case, man up and move on. Take the knowledge and use it to shape a new goal; create enough positive self-esteem so the same thing doesn't happen. In the interim, lick your wounds, rail, grieve, cry but retain the ability to remain loving and hopeful. A neat trick but it can and does happen.
But the biggest secret to a healthy, happy relationship is seek to give. Don't make a list of your must haves only; make a list of your must gives as well. If you have met a partner who had designed the same two lists, then you have indeed made an everlasting match in heaven!
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