Ex-Girlfriends: The Ghost of Girlfriends' Past Part 2

Last time I wrote about "The Psycho", "The Stepford Girlfriend", and "The Now-BFF" exes.

This is the second part:

Ex-gilfriends -The Ghost of Girlfriends' Past Part 2

THE PUBERTY-DRIVEN FIRST LOVE

GOOD TIMES: The awkward first fluch of foreign hormones (and increasingly familiar boners) is making you believe that you are now a real man. And what do real men do? Put on inexpert moves on the first available girl. She was your first everything--casual grope, sloppy makeout, even chance at third base. Your relationship existed in soirees, dark corners, and backseat of cars.

THEN THE INEVITABLE HAPPENED: College. Glorious, chick-ridden, college--then you were sending her "It's not you, it's me" texts and saying crap like "I need to explore" to her tear-streaked face. You bury a shoebox of her love letters and start making a move on that cute girl in chem lab.

TODAY, SHE EXISTS: As on older, prettier (but chubbier) version of her high-school self (with a new, hyphenated last name), as evidenced by the Facebook photos of her cradling her baby. You wonder what it would've been like had you ended up together, but mostly you remember that she gave you your (and her) very first, slightly uncomfortable blowjob.


THE SO-BAD-IT'S-SO-GOOD GIRL

GOOD TIMES: For every designer drug she made you try, every shot she outnumbered you two-to-one, and ill-informed Saturday-night decision she goaded you into, you have the accompanying memory of patting her back as she vomited into the toilet. She was fun in the way standing on the edge right before a cliff-dive was. Oh, speaking of cliff dive, remember that time you went cliff diving and she called you a pussy--and then pushed you off?

THEN THE INEVITABLE HAPPENED: Your liver pleaded for mercy and you got your shit togetherr. You started coming in to work without hangovers. After some epic, for-old-time's-sake boot-knocking, you bid the embodiment of your roaring 20's goodbye.

TODAY, SHE EXISTS: As the perfect society wife of some corporate bigwig. Her clean hair and guileless smile are prominently featured in her mommy blog, where she displays her kitchen appliances and deluxe-yoga-studio-toned body (both paid for by the corporate bigwig, of course). No one believes you when yo say she once had purple streaks in her hair and wore skirts that barely covered her ass.

THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY

GOOD TIMES: Life was one great rom-com without the sad parts. You were the dashing and not-so-handsome male lead, and she, the manic pixie dream girl with an endearing smile and penchant for crazy sex after a couple of craft beers. Every day you turned into an unrecognizable sap, and your buddies both wanted to hit and be you--your love story was that gosh-darned real.

THEN THE INEVITABLE HAPPENED: All dream girls have dreams of their own. So when she got her scholarhip to a top tier university/gave in to her parents' American dream/met some rich douche who could afford to marry her quicker than you could, you became the tragic figure getting drunk at bars and trying (unsuccessfully) to sleep with other women, only to cry on their shoulders at how much you till loved her.

TODAY, SHE EXISTS: As the impossible standard by which you measure all women. You still nonchalantly (but secretly) stalk your common friends' Instagram accounts because you don't want to follow her, and the day her wedding photos came up, you inexplicably felt the need to drink an entire bottle of rum. And you did. You're over her, right?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • i feel like the one that got away. actually he left me. said it hurt too much to be so close and not be with me. for two years, he was the closest i'd come to trusting and perhaps even loving anyone. asked him to come back and be my lover but he won't even pick my calls, then i found out he'd screwed the whole of Swansea and tried to make out with one of my best friends (he's made out with the other two). i still called him today but he won't pick my calls. i feel so sorry for him.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • the first one i can actually put a name too. She was anorexic skinny when I met her. ackward halfway sex... hell yes. When I dumped her, because she ate all my food and tried to throw it up later, she got her act together and got FAT within a few months. 15 years later, she is married with a kid and still chubby how did you know man. How did you know?

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What Girls Said 3

  • Great takes. I'm the one that got away

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  • Lol I am probably the one that got to away to a few guys. Not married though.

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  • copy-paste college humor?

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    • how the hell is this a copy-paste from that? look at how this is written and watch the video again. i don't know what's your purpose with this opinion of yours, but this very offending

    • aaaah the offended ticket again...
      ;you can simply say you didn't mean to make it like that video, no need to get offended. maybe i am mistaken, but it doesn't mean i didn't find similar points to that video. you claimed you didn't know it waa there. end of the story. being defensive won't stop me from saying what i think

What Guys Said 2

  • Damn bro I got choked up reading this... I'm 17 I feel like I've had the First Love but it ended kind of opposite for me but damn bro this was a great MyTake

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  • Good article.

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