She's not a bitch. She's just not into you.

She's not a bitch. She's just not into you.

Why so pale and wan fond lover?
Prithee why so pale?
Will, when looking well can’t move her,
Looking ill prevail?

So wrote the poet John Suckling. Having heard quite a few women relate to me that when they have rejected a man, they are sometimes met with a lot of foul names and horrible feelings (and I am NOT saying sadness is a horrible feeling, I'm talking anger), I decided to sound off on this very subject. I'll deal with it on two levels. First, I would like to tell the guys who cut loose with a few choice words after rejection that you're hurting yourself. Secondly, you are hurting another human being who doesn't deserve to be hurt.

So how does calling her a bitch (or worse) hurt the rejected? Well, a lot of couples met through friends. You don't know that if you keep things friendly with her (and please note I said "friendLY" the "ly" is important), you might meet some of her friends at a later time and it's possible you might like some of them and vice versa. Of course this will almost certainly never happen if you called your crush a bitch when she said she's not interested. And if you persist in displaying your anger, even if you DON'T call her names, how well do you think that will play out?

"Oh, here's my sullen, angry acquaintance. He's a real catch!"

I am, of course, in no way saying that you need to "just get over it" and that the hurt you might be feeling is inappropriate. However, there are better ways to deal with hurt than with anger (more on that perhaps at another time).

But above all else, the most important thing to remember is that (assuming she's a good person...and if she isn't her rejection is actually a favor) she doesn't deserve your anger. She is no more capable of controlling the fact that she's not into you than you are capable of controlling the fact that you are into her. Assuming she didn't knowingly lead you on (and almost always SHE'S NOT LEADING YOU ON), she has done no wrong in rejecting you, even if it's for reasons that you might think are shallow (and I HATE using "shallow" as it pertains to attraction). Keep in mind that very often her not being attracted to you isn't even much of a choice, just like you may never have chosen who you are or aren't attracted to. However, how she reacts to your feelings is her choice, and she is a thinking, feeling woman who has every right to choose her romantic destiny.

I suppose you can't choose not to be hurt, however you can choose to act civil and even friendly. You SHOULD choose to act civil and friendly and carry on to a new vista and see what the future holds


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What Girls Said 15

  • THANK YOU! Single men and women should both consider these words when they next feel the urge to lash out when they don't get the result they expected.

    Here's me... Years and years ago, I went out with a female friend to play snooker after work. Two guys - both I could tell right away were just too loose and boyish for our tastes - came on strong to both of us. We rejected them, and even explained we're just there to play snooker and talk. One, with a stupid look on his face trying to understand why we are saying no, said, "Ohhhhh so you two must be lesbians?" Here's the thing... people all too often look for reasons that there must be SOMEthing, some reason, that has nothing to do with them that could be the reason why we're being so thick. Had the guys been attractive and mature, we would have welcomed their company. But they were acting like frat boys and weren't our type anyway. So instead of just shrugging it off and being men, walking away, they fished for our reasons of why we couldn't possibly be accepting of their offer. It was always *us* and what *our* problem was, not that they just didn't do it for us. But the lesbian comment is what did it, amusingly. If we didn't fall all over ourselves for a free drink and their lovely company, we MUST not be in to men at all, right? LOL

    Here's another thought: Rejection could also mean, "No, not at this time." How often do you hear married couples stories that go like this, "Yeah I didn't like him at first, but after a few months we ended up together. I know. Weird." Or, "I said no at first because I was getting over a bad breakup, but he actually waited for me, and after six months I was ready and he was there."

    So reacting childishly to rejection is just such a bad idea, simply because you never know what could happen down the road. She might just wonder after a month, "Hey what did I do? That guy was so nice, I wonder if I still have his number somewhere..." Look at GaG!! How many times do we see this question where people think they let the right one get away and what they should do about it.

    Always best to just take it for what it is, and if it never works out, who cares? Sounds like the other person recognized that you weren't compatible and there wouldn't been 100% happiness, so why force someone to be with you if their heart wouldn't have been in it? Best to view it as a blessing in disguise and save your efforts for the next person.

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    • What is snooker?

      You said, "Had those guys been attractive and mature, we would have welcomed their company."
      What if they had been only one of those qualities? What if they were just attractive but not mature? What if they were just mature but not attractive?

      I agree with you that many people will fish for reasons why they were rejected that have nothing to do with them. I would point out that sometimes the reasons a person is rejected do indeed have nothing to do with them, or at least nothing they can control. Physically unattractive people sometimes can do nothing about their plight, short of cosmetic surgery (which often doesn't work anyways). Fortunately for most people, most of us can change our appearance for the better.

      But even if she rejects you for reasons which are totally beyond your control, even though you're hurt, even though it's a bad situation, the dignified and kindest thing to do is move along.

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    • ""If something is obnoxiously wrong and he thinks he can handle it, he should ask a friend or trusted relative for the truth."
      Frankly, I think friends and relatives are unreliable. Acquaintances are probably more reliable. GAG is probably more reliable.

    • What I mean about types is, if I like a certain hair colour, hair style, eye shape, eye colour, and the guy hitting on me has the polar opposite of what I like, then asking me what it is about him in hopes he can change just wouldn't work. I wouldn't want him dyeing his hair and radically changing his style just for me. I would be able to tell it's phony.

  • You deserve the GAG MVP award.

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  • DAMN RIGHT!
    Finally someone who understands!
    I love you, man.

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  • So if I guys don't like a girl but she leads him on and therefore he's not a jerk because he wasn't into her at all and if a guy leads on her and therfore she's not a bitches because she wasn't into him it makes senses all too well :-)

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    • I think part of the problem is guys thinking that a girl simply being nice counts as 'leading them on'. She shouldn't have to be a jerk or unpleasant person from the beginning, common decency is a thing.

    • @GlamFelix you get what I'm saying I'm glad you understand that most people don't thnks :-)

  • It's not the girl's fault to lead a guy on, and the guy can't get mad that she couldn't pick up the signs. Plus, even if she did, her acknowledging and pointing out the guy's attraction straight-forwardly would only make it even more weird. It's better if you take your rejection and then try to stay as friends. You still have a chance to get on a closer level with the girl, and she can give you a chance once she feels comfortable enough with ya. Also, playing hard to get while you try to maintain a friendship with her would work on trying to "woo" her again.
    I had a guy who professed his love for me, and when I told him no, he kept asking me to give him a chance while knowing I'm in a relationship with my boyfriend. When he finally understood no means no, he calls me a bitch for no liking him back. It's ridiculous. Overall, don't go back and give the girl shit. She didn't deserve it. There's more girls out there.

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    • "It's not the girl's fault to lead a guy on, and the guy can't get mad that she couldn't pick up the signs."
      Mostly that's true.

      "Plus, even if she did, her acknowledging and pointing out the guy's attraction straight-forwardly would only make it even more weird."
      Eh, I think we might disagree here. I think if a girl acknowledges a guy's attraction when she isn't attracted to him, then it's probably a wiser move than pretending his attraction isn't there at all. Better to be wise even if it's weird.

      "It's better if you take your rejection and then try to stay as friends"
      Ah now, that's probably where we disagree the most. I believe it's best to be friendLY (emphasis on the "ly" because it's important... there's a difference between being a friend and being friendly). More on that in my next take. As for the guy you mentioned, he exemplifies my point brilliantly. He hurt someone (you) who never deserved it.

    • actually it is the girls fault if she leads him on

    • Yes, it would be the girl's fault IF she intentionally lead him on. Otherwise, girls are just as clueless to the signs as guys are. It's easier to ignore the signs (and only if the girl picked up on them), and rejected the guy without coming off too blunt. She could decrease the amount of contact, reject invites, etc.
      And actually, you're right. I don't personally believe a guy and girl could remain JUST friends if rejection have taken place on either side. So, I take that back about being friends; only friendLY.

  • I agree. And even if it turns out that she's rude and mean, so what? Sinking down to her level by lashing out and being rude back won't help at all or make you feel better. And like you said, it would be a blessing to know that you dodged a bullet by being rejected by someone so mean. And really, if you freak out every time you get rejected, you might get a bad reputation. Then all kinds of girls will refuse to date you simply because they KNOW that you can't handle rejection, and they'll assume that you're a hotheaded person in general. Even if she acts like a bitch about it, try to be as polite as possible and remove yourself from the situation immediately. In fact, forcing yourself to keep your cool will actually help when dealing with the rejection. At least for a while. It's ok to cry in private if you feel bad about it, but lashing out is never the answer. People will just think you're crazy. Not worth it.

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  • Hey look! A man with common sense and who gets it! Maybe you can relate this to other guys who don't seem to get it though I doubt your message will seep through a lot of them. :O

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    • Well, in posting this mytake, I am trying to get through to them.

  • Great take!& very true.

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  • Thank you! Thank The Lord someone actually wrote this take!

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  • Thank you! Great take! Support a person's right to say no!

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  • I agree with this 100%

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  • great take!

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  • Acting like a jerk just reaffirms to the woman that she has made the right decision by declining you. When is it EVER a wise move to show ugly character? Great take!

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    • Only if the girl is acting ugly to you and no I'm not saying if she's simply not interested but if you politely ask her out and then she says something very offensive or rude then I see nothing wrong with it.

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    • Yep exactly. A sneak preview of what a nasty break up it would have actually been.

  • Great take! I will also add this...
    If I were to reject a guy, his reaction to such rejection may actually make me think twice. I wouldn't necessarily reject men based on looks. I generally don't just accept dates from strangers. If I said, "no, but thank you for asking" and he was polite, gracious, friendly, respectful, etc, he would strike me as someone possibly worth the chance. Of course, he could be faking it, but there are relatively easy ways to tell if someone is sincere or not. You just have to pay attention.

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    • Well, thanks for stopping by, crystalt70.

      Out of curiosity, has a stranger ever asked you out? I've never in my life asked out a stranger, but that's just me.

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    • I don't mind. I was just talking about Katrina with a few people a little while ago.

  • love this! since when did having friends who are girls become a bad thing?

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What Guys Said 39

  • first impressions are lasting impressions, you can tell them by their body language and how they project themselves.

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    • Yes, body language is important. However, some people have difficulty reading it and some people don't communicate well with their bodies. In such times, I'd say you're going to have to use verbal communication.

    • they want us to know "we dont like you because of XYZ" how are we to find that or guess..

  • Men respond much better to rejection than women do, generally.

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    • Why do you say that? I don't agree.

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    • That just hasn't been my experience at all. No woman I know has had a near breakdown from being rejected. I have personally known a guy who smashed his hand through a window at being rejected. I've known a guy who slashed a girl's tires for being rejected, then proceeded to stalk her and threaten her. I've known a guy who couldn't sleep for days and spent his nights weeping because a girl rejected him, then proceed to smash his hands through a closet door.

    • You should ask other people. I think their observations would be similar to mine.

  • If I get rejected, I may use her for friendship networking reasons.

    But I usually don't. Most of the time it is deuces and we part ways.

    #ProfDonForAdmin

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  • Or she could just be a bitch. Does happen.

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    • Of course it happens. I have found more often than not, she isn't a bitch.

  • you realize the two aren't mutually exclusive right?

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  • I remember feeling like I was rejected and I called the girl names to a couple friends who would never talk to her. I spent a lot of time trying to build up courage and chase her. I really only sent her a couple messages on myspace-like "hello" and that was it. I just think more time should of been spent on chasing other girls-or at least talking to girls and working on treating them like normal friends than aiming for sex and relationships. Also, would I really want to push a girl into a relationship with me? Her heart would not be into it and when we would be older, it's possible that we would be bitter.

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  • please... We are brought up be told to respect women and have manners from our mothers and fathers

    Then when we are following our fathers lessons on how to treat a women the women rejects you for the guy that treats he like crap.

    its all confusing... That's why I can only see women as objects, because they don't know what they want.

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    • The only girls that run of for the guys that disrespect her are the ones you should avoid. Mentally confused, usually into innapropriate things only, had problems with her family, etc. The majority of girls aren't being disrespected by their guys, maybe they just complain to you about it because you are close friends but she is over exaggerating her problems. The other guys have confidence with girls and let the girls know what they want from the beginning, whether it be a relationship or whatever, so the girl usually accepts. Just be straight up with girls and you will have a better chance of herliking you. 😊

  • Just because she's not into you doesn't mean she's *not* a bitch.

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  • Poor guy, I bet he would go to hell and back twice to be with that girl.

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    • Perhaps he would, but it's better to find someone who would go to hell and back with you rather than going to hell and back for someone who cannot return your feelings. Don't you agree?

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    • "and don't even give it a second thought."
      You know, it's been my experience that that most women feel bad about rejecting a guy. I believe most do think about it to some extent, but they can only dwell on it so much because it makes them feel bad.

      As for not giving a guy a second chance (I know you said "second thought," not "second chance," but some people might mistake the two for being the same), that might be the subject of a future take.

    • @Take Owner Dude, you're old. Things are a LOT different now than they were back then. Bitches these days can't even cook.

  • Yawn. The same bad assumption that only men take rejection badly and only girls reject dating prospects. Welp, that was a waste of my time.

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    • "only men take rejection badly"
      I never said or implied any such thing. I will state that between the two sexes, I believe more men react violently or inappropriately than women do in regards to rejection. Even so, those men who react violently or inappropriately are relatively rare.

  • lol story of my life

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  • Great take! Like you say it's not that person's fault if they're not attracted to you and you should channel the pain effectively. However sometimes people do get caught up in the heat of the moment and say things they don't mean. I'm not defending them but it happens. I do agree with what you've said though.

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  • "He's not a jerk, he just only wanted to have sex with you."

    Believe it or not - people get emotionally hurt for various reasons and caling them derogatory terms is a mere valve and nothing else.

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    • "'He's not a jerk, he just only wanted to have sex with you.'"
      If he lied or was not up front about only wanting sex with woman, than he is a jerk, just as a woman who lies and is not up front about not being into a guy is a jerk.

      Most people I know do not use derogatory terms when rejected. Those who do are not behaving wisely. I don't accept that using derogatory terms is inevitable. Whereas it might be "a mere valve and nothing else" to the one using them, it can hurt the one receiving them.

    • Neither did I say everyone does it nor did I say it is inevitable.

      Also I think people should stop being so overly sensitive. Someone calls you whatever? So what? Life goes on. Offense is given, but also taken. It's only a big deal if you make it one.

  • You are right about many of your points. None of us choose to be attracted to skinny girls, blondes, girls with small boobs, girls who wear glasses, etc., and girl don't make those choices, either. It is just the way we are wired. Logically, a man should understand that when a woman says "no thanks," it doesn't mean that she thinks he is a bad person, If she isn't attracted, there is nothing she can do to change that.

    But to say that a man shouldn't get angry ignores a few things about the male experience. When a girl likes a guy, she hopes he comes around, and maybe she does some subtle things to try to attract him, but if he doesn't come around, she doesn't know why: maybe he already has a girlfriend, maybe he's a homosexual, maybe he just broke up with a LTR. She doesn't know, and there's not a defined point in time where everything comes together and she knows 'he doesn't feel attracted to me.' Whatever rejection she senses gradually sneaks into her consciousness and she assimilates and moves on.

    When a guy puts himself out there,, maybe he call a girl on the phone and asks her for a date, and she gives him some lame excuse like "I need to wash my hair that night." IN an instant, he goes from hope to humiliation, frustration, and anger. He is angry at himself for not being cool enough to attract women, he is angry at the female species for being so damned impossible to understand, and he is angry at the woman who just told him that those dreams he had about finding the right girl, finally being accepted and appreciated for being who he is. . . all of those dreams were just some dumb bullshit and he was just fooling himself the whole time.

    Understand that women constantly give men mixed and conflicting messages. "I want a man who isn't afraid to express his feelings," the lady says. Okay, since you just rejected him and he is feeling lower than the dog shit on the bottom of your shoe, he might as well take this opportunity to practice expressing his feelings. And, you know, guys have just as many feelings as women, but we don't express them as directly as women do. We're not robots and the feelings are too much for us to contain, so you catch a load of anger that's been stored for awhile.

    It's okay for you to do something that makes the guy feel bad as long as he doesn't do something that makes you feel bad. Because that's what gender equality is all about, right (that's another one of your mixed messages.) Get over it, because we're human, too!

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    • Anon, perhaps I should clarify.

      I believe that a certain amount of anger might be inevitable. However, there is a vast difference between anger at her and anger at the situation. I understand that a certain amount of frustration (which is mild anger) at the situation may very well be inevitable. However, assuming she is a good person and hasn't led you on intentionally or taken advantage of you, then anger at her is inexcusable. Furthermore, a wise man will not allow his frustration to consume him and guide his decisions.

      A few more points of agreement and departure, if I may.
      "Whatever rejection she senses gradually sneaks into her consciousness and she assimilates and moves on."
      -That's wise, don't you agree?
      "women constantly give men mixed and conflicting messages."
      -Disagree. Most women I've known haven't sent mixed messages.
      "We're not robots and the feelings are too much for us"
      -Agreed. However, don't direct the anger at women.

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    • "I am talking about the way real people will react."
      Most people I know don't react by lashing out. Those that do are not being mature.

      "Women give men mixed messages."
      Most I know don't. Furthermore, when women say they want men to express their feelings, they mean to do so in a productive and mature way.

      "I'm providing an explanation."
      I understand, but I'm not nearly as concerned with explanations about bad behavior so much as I am concerned with seeing an end to it.

    • Maturity is an ongoing process. Young boys do not react the same as grown men, and young girls don't behave like older women. Unless you have been involved in lesbian relationships, you don't have first hand, intimate knowledge of the way other women treat men in relationships. I think you are idealizing the way you imagine women act in relationships; I have been in the trenches of the war between the sexes, I have dated more than a hundred women in the past 45 years, and I would not say that women send mixed messages unless that was my general experience. Nothing that you say in this forum will change the way young people react - emotionally and impulsively - when they are experiencing pain in relationships. everyone must make their own mistakes and, hopefully, eventually learn from those mistakes.

  • She's not a bitch. She just doesn't care about you.

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    • In many cases, she does care about you. She just isn't into you as far as dating or having a relationship goes. If a male friend of yours came out of the closet and said he was into you, I believe you would almost certainly reject him, but would you stop caring about him?

    • It's human nature to care at least somewhat, nobody forgets that you told them you like them

    • It's been my experience that women don't give two shits and have no preference whether you die homeless or have a happy content life if you have no value to them personally. It's also been my experience that women get a perverse pleasure from rejecting men in casual pick situations and otherwise denigrating them in "close" friendships. Marriage is emasculating domestication. It's what they're biologically programmed to do.

      Bitches can't even fucking say, "No thank you." That's just reality. So excuse me if I don't give two shits about their "feelings" or whatever the fuck they're bitching about when they make these stupid ass posts.

  • This is really good, and true as well! But the fact is, a lot of women do lead men on, and in fact, enjoy doing it.

    Having said that... I know that no woman would ever feel attracted to me, probably due to my below average looks and weird personality. So I just 'insulate' myself from rejections, by never approaching women! My self esteem is already down, wouldn't want to damage it further due to rejections from women. But yeah, I never get angry or call women 'bitches'.

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    • I'm glad you haven't gone down that road, aficionado.

      That being said, how do you know that "no woman would ever feel attracted to [you]?" How do you know your looks are below average?

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    • @Bluemax
      Ok I'll answer it now.

      I was too scared of rejection, so until 6 months back I had never asked any woman out in my life. Then people kept egging me on, saying I'm not bad looking, I have a decent career, I'm intelligent etc. so I should try approaching someone. I decided to give it a go, and approached the woman who had just told me the day before that she thinks I'm 'perfect' for her. But yeah, she rejected me, saying although she found me perfect for her she never was attracted to me.

      So yeah, I have asked ONE woman until now, and she rejected me. I know people say that only way to overcome the fear of rejection is to keep getting rejected. But in my case, every rejection brings down my self esteem a bit. I'm too emotionally fragile to handle the rigours of dating and relationships, and me not being rich/good looking isn't helping my cause one bit. I'm intimidated by women. I'm stuck with the notion that I would never tick all the boxes of women's lofty requirements.

    • @verticallyinsecure

      Wow, thank you! That really helped boost my self esteem a bit! :)

  • Look I'm just frustrated I can't find someone who has mutual attraction to me. At this point I don't care if I hurt her feelings I just want to vent my anger. She can be as respectable as she wants but somebody's gotta hear it.

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    • It's very understandable to feel frustrated and angry at the situation (and there's a difference between being angry at a person and being angry at a situation).

      Why not vent your anger to me? Message me if you like. You have my word (for whatever that's worth) that I'll keep your identity anonymous Maybe I could offer insight. Or if you don't want to message me, just spill the beans here. Maybe someone can offer you insight.

  • Great take man

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  • If she gives you false hope, pretends to agree with everything you say, follows you on various adventures through life, makes you believe she is the one; but then starts putting you in the closet, controlling who your other friends are, wanting unreasonable things from you, and then ditches you when you stick up for yourself - and then she starts spreading horrendous rumors about you to make others hate you to add injury to injury, then yeah... she's a bitch.

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    • "If she gives you false hope"
      I find that most of the time (and please note I said MOST of the time, I didn't say always, I didn't even say in your case) giving false hopes is a miscommunication, not due to any nefarious motives on her part. By the way, I'm in no way suggesting bitches don't exist. I am stating quite explicitly that just because a woman rejects a man does not make her a bitch. The other aspects that you mention would constitute a bitch in my opinion (and frankly most other people would agree). However, in my experience most women don't do that.

    • It's happened to me four times at least.

  • when girls lead you on and perpetuate an illusion though its not a good thing.

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    • "when girls lead you on and perpetuate an illusion though its not a good thing."
      I agree, but it's been my experience most girls don't lead you on or perpetuate illusions. It's been my experience that the cases where a guy has been led on was a miscommunication and not due to any nefarious intent.

      I am not stating that there's no such thing as a bad woman or no such thing as a bad rejection. I am stating very explicitly that rejection doesn't constitute a woman being a bitch. Other things do, but not rejection.

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