Why Women Don't Like Nice Guys

Women don't want a nice guy--I have heard this more times than I care to count and yes, for some very immature women, the idea that a bad boy is somehow more desirable makes them exclude potentially great mates.

However, I think the idea that MOST women do not want nice guys is a myth. We just want a "certain type" of nice guy, just as men want a "certain type" of nice girl.

I know far too many women who met and married nice guys, or who actively seek them out, running from the first sign that a guy is a manipulative, game playing jerk very early on.

Again, for whatever reason, you will have women who seem to gravitate towards bad guys, but, by that same token, you have men who don't want the typical nice girl for whatever rationale.

What I find interesting is that guys who think a woman should throw herself at any available nice guy who shows interest, have a long list of traits of what they are looking for in a woman.

She has to be:
  • Smart
  • Sexy
  • Funny
  • Intelligent
  • Independent
  • Charming
  • And on and on and on...

But women are supposed to JUST want a guy to be nice--she can't desire someone who is ALSO intelligent, funny, charming, interesting, etc, etc.,..

A good example of this double standard is what occurred when I was working at a subway. I dated a gentleman there at the behest of a co-worker who told me he was a nice guy. We went out but the spark was not there. I tried to be cool about it, but as we know, there is simply no gentle way to say "I don't dig you", because no matter how you put it, that is what people hear.

Accepting rejection with dignity and retaining self esteem is another topic for another time.

Anyways, so the guy who set us up asked me how the date went and I told him it was fun but I just wasn't interested.

"See!" he fumed, "That proves it--women just don't want a nice guy!!!!"

It didn't matter that me and this guy had absolutely nothing in common. Not musical tastes, outlooks, jokes, hangouts, clothing choices, likes, dislikes. It didn't matter that trying to get dude to open up was like slow torture, making for the most achingly boring date ever. I mean, I am not asking you to juggle for my amusement but damn, scintillating conversation would be nice.

And chemistry? Deader than Edgar Allen Poe. But, because I am a girl, I was supposed to overlook all of that cause he was nice...? I tried to explain, but he wasn't hearing it.
"I am not asking you to juggle for my amusement but damn, scintillating conversation would be nice."
No less than two weeks following the incident, the man is talking with someone at work about a date he himself went on that his Mother had arranged.

"Was she nice?" I asked.

"Yes." he replied...

"Well then, why didn't you marry her on the spot seeing as being nice is the only prerequisite for lasting commitment!"

He turned beet red and tried to talk his way out of it but I had him. He admitted that the girl was attractive, and had a kewl personality but he wasn't into her.

Funny--he can be "not into" a girl, but I had to jump on the first nice guy who came along.

Interesting.

Being choosy about our mates does not mean women don't want a nice guy and truth be told, if you are "nice" with the basic personality of a mop, then it ain't gonna happen, period. No guy wants to sit across the dinner table and talk to some chick who barely says two words all night. Likewise, no woman is going to want to be with someone who has nothing of interest to contribute to a conversation or to their relationship.
Why Women Don't Like Nice Guys
  • Women want more than nice!
  • They also want sexy, funny, independent....just like men want more than a "nice" girl.
  • There has to be chemistry!
  • Do we have anything in common?
  • We all make relationship mistakes and fall for the bad boy once.

Nice is but ONE TRAIT in a list of characteristics that a person looks for in a mate. Simply because a person makes a choice and later finds out that the guy or girl was not a good person does not mean that the individual was not seeking a good person, and this is expressly true if, upon discovering the guy/girl was not a good person, they leave and put themselves back in the dating market.

I admit that I dated some doozies myself. But as I matured and evolved into a young lady, my tastes changed and evolved as well--I developed the ability to figure out what worked, what didn't and what I was looking for.

I also grew a pretty big BS detector and started evading the "assholes" that men assume all women want. In the end I met and married a sweetheart of a man, a gentleman, who was respectful, sexy, intelligent, fun, funny, witty, silly, cute and brilliant...a true nice guy...

If women just wanted assholes, they wouldn't leave them when they realized who and what they were hanging with.

We fall a lot in the course of dating, learning what we want and don't want from each failed relationship. For whatever reasons, we are attracted to what we are attracted to. Sure, many of us may have a screwed up system of evaluation, but if we have any bit of self evaluating skills and intelligence, we generally will right ourselves, grow beyond our shallow thought processes, and start looking for what would really matter in a relationship.

Guys are just as guilty as women as making bad relationship choices and decisions for shallow or not well thought out reasons--but in the end, the person we end up marrying is that nice boy or girl who got the short end of the stick, but managed to keep the hope and the love in their hearts alive, and to these gents I say, here, here to the Nice guy! ;-)

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What Guys Said 19

  • I remember one friend said, "In the 'nice guy' topic just replace the word 'nice' with 'ugly' and it will all start to make sense..."

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    • S/He's right in my opinion. The "nice" guy has nothing to do with it (unless if he's spineless and not many women prefer a guy like that).

      If he's unattractive, that will be an issue for many women. But it's also an issue if a guy is an attractive jerk.

    • @RationalLioness Yep it's just people refusing to take responsibility that they aren't desired. I don't know why they want someone so bad that has clearly displayed they don't want them back. If they really liked that person they would respect their decision and leave them alone.

  • Tooooo much hard work need to be done by men, just to get a simple 'yes' from a woman. And most of the time, that 'yes' remains elusive. Not worth the effort, time and emotional energy, in my opinion. I'd rather utilize my resources for doing things which have a high possibility of positive returns.

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    • Good for you. Then you can be happy with being alone.

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    • Okay. That's insecurity that you need to work on then. It should be clear that rejection is a common part in trying to find someone to be with. You see it as a missed opportunity, it sucks, but then you move on. This is how I've always done. Not everyone is going to want you.

      Also, there are "Fixers"--women who take men who seem to have some certain issues and "fix" them. Plenty of them don't stay afterwards because there's nothing to fix. So you're not at a complete loss.

    • @RationalLioness
      I agree that rejection is common, but when people get rejected (irrespective of their own gender) repeatedly, and can't even have a clue of why that's happening, then it becomes a lost cause to try anymore.
      People find it very strange to believe that I have been rejected only once (and that was the only attempt I made, with someone I didn't even like but was tricked into confessing), but seeing men around me getting rejected/friendzoned left and right, and similar questions on this site, have made me believe that women only say yes if a man satisfies all requirements on their checklist, and is turned down even if he fails to tick even one of the boxes.
      And as a 'common' man with average looks, educations, job and status, I don't feel i possess something which makes me 'special' compared to other men, so i don't know if a woman will ever say yes because I'm just like everyone else.

  • This fits in nicely with the MyTake I just wrote www.girlsaskguys.com/.../a9990-what-it-really-means-to-be-a-nice-guy
    but I don't think the title fits your message.

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  • The woman in the attached video link explains it all beautifully! SHE TELLS THE TRUTH!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ESYK8fCEHUQ

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    • She is using generalizations. Anyone with common sense would recognize that it is biased.

    • The lady clearly identifies the problem of women making poor choices! And you've said nothing to change it or make it go away! I realize that women's poor choices can be a major embarrassment, but we must face the truth!

  • It's not that girls don't like nice guys, it's that most nice guys act in such a way as to completely turn them off (neediness, insecurity, etc.), while jerks do not act like that, which makes them more attractive than their counterparts. Most girls will choose the jerk over the nice guy because the trade-off is better, but they still hope for a man who can be a good mix between the extremes. Does that make sense?

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    • No. Most women won't choose a jerk over a nice guy. If I have an attractive asshole and an unattractive nice guy, they're both the same to me. Many women don't want jerks. They want ATTRACTIVE nice guys.

      The issue with women being with jerks comes about when women actively choose them because it's a fun risk. they think they can change the jerk, or they DON'T KNOW that the guy is a jerk. Any guy with common sense would know that to make a girl interested in him, he has to show interest in her and be NICE. So the jerks pretend to be nice to the girl until they get what they want.

  • It's just cause in highschool the assholes get all the play and that sticks with the nice guys the rest of their life. I found a lot of women grow up in college and start dating guys for good reasons.

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  • Great article. What guys like depends on whether we're at a fancy dinner or in bed. Our woman needs to have two personalities (princess and man-eater) and she needs to switch at will.

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  • This is very, very true, and it's one of many double-standards that lurk out there in the limitless expanse of the dating world. As you eloquently said Ms. Norman, being nice is a good start, but it's far from the only desired character trait. And this is something that both men and women should consider in the future - another great read from you.

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  • I agree. I consider myself a nice guy, but even I know you have to have a bloody personality. How does doing nothing but complaining make you a nice guy? Learn some jokes, have a hobbie, and understand that sometimes you aren't what a woman is looking for. Sure nothing has worked out for me yet, and my resent ex cheated on me, but I am just 22, I have a couple years yet before I marry, and its her loss (she went back to the asshole).

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  • I wish I can be a believer but it hasn't ever worked out for me.. I'm just not in the right spot and the right time I suppose. It always seems to me that the BF's who treat there GF like shit always have the relationships..

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  • Thank you, your article work for my relationship

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  • I do admitt church goin goodie goodis turn me off in the long run.I like a girl who can be a kind off tuff warrior like and sturn, not a pushover.

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  • Great article, thanks!

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  • Thank you for this article! Makes me feel a lot better!

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  • Hell, lotsa pplz are just so self-centered that they dnt notice the great people that tend to pass thru their lives because of some self-imposed mandate that they must have the perfect person- and we all know that that's BS...

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  • I have asked myself the same thing for quite a few years, and I finally got the answer from (I believe) another article on this very site. The truth is, women love nice guys that aren't submissive, pushovers, needy, etc.. They want a guy who goes for what they want, You can still be considerate while showing confidence and style, and just because you are sensitive or you ask her where to eat tonight doesn't necessarily equate to being a sissy.

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  • Very well written article. An ode to the nice girl that you are :-)

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  • This is actually really good. Well done.

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  • Nah. I don't know why yet, but you're incorrect somehow.

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What Girls Said 12

  • I agree with the majority of this Take (I wouldn't call women who want bad boys to be immature since not all of them are. They might have certain definition of bad boy that differs from yours).

    The double standard is particularly true--both sides have their fair share.

    What I really don't understand and have still not been able to have answered is the thought that women should just accept "nice guys" without being attracted to them... even though I would bet my bottom dollar that the majority of men wouldn't prefer to date a woman he isn't sexually attracted to though she is a nice woman with a personality.

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  • Both you gentlemen are on point--both sexes want the best of both worlds and both grow up a little later. For both men and women the bad boy or girl seems exciting when we are young -- as we mature, we want mutual affection and care -- it's just the way of the world ... it isn't anything to get bitter about, just wait and your relationships will be deeper and more real in time...

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  • GDude--keep your heart open despite the hard times my love--I didn't start seriously datign till I was trwenty and got hurt a lot when I did but ended up happy in my thirites--NMM ocne again bro I am taken aback--why has no woman snatched you up yet? Happy hunting guys! :-)

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  • Great summary of how I feeel when someone says that phrase to me about nice guys.

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  • Knowledge is power--so let them know the deal my friend! Also--the nest time they start in ask them how many "nice" girls they asked out...

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  • So many of my male friends complain about this as I feebly try to explain to them what you did, except my version was very...lacking, haha. Great article - I think I'll send it to them; maybe it'll let them see the truth :)

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  • I think we all want someone with a little gumption and finesse--unfortunately jerks possess this--nice people should develop a healthy dose of "me-ism" too --within reason...

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  • I want a nice guy n I'm 18 n all my friends want d bad guys but not me nice guys all d way!!!!!!!!

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  • Thank you purple, for dropping in :-)

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  • Yep--we have to look at the big picture, not simply the things that concern us alone....

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  • It sounds like you have read my mind! Another thing these guys tend to do is to label you as bitch when you end up dating someone else who they think is an asshole. At the end, all these are relative and you find the one that is YOUR perfect mate.

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  • Exactly. I love nice but I also need fun, easy going. My boyfriend is just like that. alittle skittish And exaggerates movements but it's adorable :3

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