WARNING: This myTake is completely MY OPINION on the subject matter. The following myTake may contains standpoints, information, or opinions that are based off mine and others.
It's worth noting that this take was written originally FOR MEN. But can certainly be applied FOR WOMEN as well, if you choose. But keep in mind this take will be from a one man to another because my knowledge, understanding, and perspective is limited to a man.
Reader discretion is advised...
We've all been there…
You can’t stop thinking about that special someone, your emotions start to race when you’re with them and the next thing you know you can’t figure out how you lived your life without them. We start to fantasize about life with them and begin to wonder if they are “The One.”
The first 6-12 months of a relationship are often referred to as the “honeymoon stage” because our emotions are in overdrive as the feel good chemicals in our brains are working overtime in response to this new budding relationship. This is the stage of a relationship where he or she can do no wrong. This perfect angel is doing all the right things and soon you wonder how can you live without them?
I like relationships and I believe they can teach us a lot about ourselves and strengthen us. I keep an open mind when it comes to love but often times our perceptions of love disappoints us. I believe we are disappointed because we were told a lie that has infested our culture, society and homes. That lie is that somewhere out there is a soul mate for you and when you find them, that’s the person you are supposed to be with. This ideology is rooted in loneliness, fear and insecurity.
We approach relationships with the notion that this person will complete us and take away our loneliness. We approach love thinking that love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. These misconceptions lead us to search for that “one” person somewhere out there who we will have our fairytale ended with. The problem with this is that fairytales end for a reason. No one wants to see Cinderella 10 or 15 years later fighting with Prince Charming over who is going to bring the kids to soccer practice.
I ask people all the time about what they want out of their relationships with members of the opposite sex and most everyone wants to find that special someone and settle down. I agree. I want to believe in the happily ever after where the husband and wife go off to live in their new house and raise children but with a divorce rate over 50% and people not understanding the work it takes to keep a relationship together I become skeptical.
I do know that before you can settle down and find someone special, you MUST become a person who has options in their dating life.
Imagine for a moment that you haven’t eaten in many days. The feeling of hunger grinds away at you and all of a sudden a person holding a juicy steak dinner walks by you. The smell permeates your senses and you begin to salivate. You could be in the middle of a deep conversation with someone but if you sense that steak dinner your attention goes to that steak.
Now imagine you are full. You have eaten a huge meal and then someone with a steak dinner comes walking by you again. You won’t even pay attention because your need for food has been fulfilled.
This analogy represents the relationships between scarcity and abundance.
Scarcity: The state of being scarce or in short supply of AKA "a shortage".
Abundance: The state of having a very large quantity of something AKA "a surplus".
When it comes to our dating lives, if we have no options, we will take the first thing that comes our way and then mistake that neediness for love.
If we are starved for partners we tend to project a higher value on them then if we had an abundance of people in our lives we could choose from. This is why our neediness clouds our judgments and becomes a frame that alters our perception of the people we come in contact with. If we have multiple choices we will make our decisions based on what is best not the first thing that comes our way.
Until you attain meaningful, consistent success in your dating life with the type of person you desire, you through your own inexperience will limit your ability to find the type of person you want and sustain a healthy relationship.
I don’t believe in the concept that there is “the one” for everyone out there. I believe that there are many “the one’s”
No one girl or guy is the only one for you.
There is no soul mate…
… But rather, there are soul mates
Scarcity breeds obsession. When you do not have a healthy dating life and have no potential partners you tend to fixate yourself on that one person who shows you interest. You analyze them, ask for expert advice, talk about them with your friends and stalk their facebook in hopes to find out something you can do to “get them.” When scarcity becomes a part of your life then obsessive behavior is sure to follow. This scarcity also lies to us because it tells us that by not doing these behaviors we will never stand a chance, but the irony is by doing these behaviors we cause ourselves great suffering and ruin any chance of developing anything with that person.
Neediness is the most unattractive quality one can possess but scarcity thrives off of it.
Scarcity continues to lie to us because it tells us that these feelings we have are “special” and that there is no one like this girl. We tell our friends the same lie adding to the illusion. The truth is that you’re feelings for this person is the exact definition of common. If you don’t believe me turn on the radio or watch any movie ever made. Every other person out there thinks that their crush is special and unique…
… And they are unique… Just like everyone else.
So many people focus on "not being lonely" they miss out on the "you must be alone to BE AWARE of what you truly want". Specifically, people who are always looking for a SO (Signifcant Other). A few of my FF (female friends) are constantly talking about finding "a good guy", even when they are dating several guys, and I think that desire is unhealthy for anyone.
I believe in love but not the way that we were raised to think that love exists. I believe that love is when your want for each other exceeds your need for each other. Far too many times people mistake neediness for love. They settle for a woman because they believe that is the best they can get. They don’t accrue much experience with women so they have an idea of what they want and what they can get and these parallels rarely match up. We could write a million books about love but for each of us love will be different.
What causes us such great suffering is not love… but the idea of love. The mindset that “she is the best you can get” and “she is so special” will hold you back from being your perfect self every time.
Your partnership simply needs to be like a key and a lock, a match that fits. You must accrue experience with different types of partners to know what you want and don’t want. Find what you want and what you don’t want through experience and then return with the wisdom to recognize whether or not it is actually love.