Things most guys wish girls knew about dating

[Anonymous]

Ladies, please note that your man 100% loves you but there are a few things that girls are universally naive(or know but won't admit) that us men hate in dating.

Guy friends

Ohh yeah I went there let's start with the big, no HUGE one. We KNOW for a FACT that 90% of your guy friends want to have sex with you. Ask any guy if he notices the hints that guy friends want to get in his girls pants, and most will say yes. My girlfriend for example, this guy came over from literally 2 hours away just to bring her cigarrettes and I was like " I don't like him" she said" oh all you men are just paranoid!" I answered :"Am I really? just ask him or you guy friends or even random guys what they think"

You bet your ass most guys admited to this, the cigarrette guy incliuded he blatantly answered her( she had me listening on 3 way call) he said" Ohh I only though you called me because you wanted me to be the side guy!" That was the end of their friendship.

Disclaimer: I wouldn't say ALL your guy friends want to have sex with you but I'd put my penis on the cutter that most would.(guys feel free to leave your thoughs)

Not all of us are the same

I know this one is very hard for some ladies who have been cheated, abused and just plain played by quite a few dicks. I understand that much but never EVER compare your new boyfriend to your exe's or carry the mistrust into the relationship with him. This is very hard but If you can't trust men, you shouldn't be dating for now. Good guys are left and right but if you meet one, and are not ready for someone good yet you're not going to be able to notice(or believe) the great things that this man can bring into your life!

We and or female friends know you don't trust them, and that is okay too

On the flip side of number one. We know you dislike or maybe even hate our female friends just like we do your guy friends but any man that cares for you will do his best to keep those friendships very casual and no "going out as friends" cause trust me that is a dangerous game for any man or woman. If you see your man going out with a friend on multiple ocassions very frequently I think you should start checking up on this "friend"

Note: Sorry guys gotta be fair with the girls too!

DON'T tell anyone about the problems you guys have!

Keep your relationship private without keeping your partner a secret. You tell your friend guy for instance you are having issues. If he does like you he will start to give you advice to leave the guy or to antagonize your man, on the flip side if it's a female friend. You know how some women are to each other, common term is "frenemies" I think. She might want your man and if she hears trouble is amist she might make her move on his weakest moment.

Disclaimer: I know not all friends are bad I'm just saying it could happen.

[DarkHumorRUs]

I've seen a study where they had multiple pairs of girl and guy friends do random things and answer questionnaires. 90% if the guys answered that they'd date the girl they came with.

So girls, if a guy bothers to spend time with you he likes you, and if not he probably has before or will eventually...

Also that makes it kinda "unfair" for both parties in a relationship regarding having friends of the opposite gender. Any female friends the guy has he likes. And any guy friends the girl has like her.
But maybe once you're in a relationship you suddenly don't like your female friends anymore? hmmmm

[Sara413]

I'd be interested to know the age of the person who wrote this... maybe if you're in your early twenties or teens it's true about the opposite gender friends, but once you're in your late twenties/early thirties it's pretty normal to have a close knit group of friends made up of both genders and most of the time, your opposite gender friends are not trying to sleep with you or vice versa. Grown ups don't waste their time chasing someone who's uninterested and they certainly don't hang around pretending to be friends for months or years on end.

[imnotcrearive]

He's not talking about old friends, he's talking about new encounters. If a guy you just met said he wanted to be friends with you that's bullshit 95% of the time, whether you're 18, 28, 38 etc...

[rjroy3]

Although I would agree that it's possible I've asked different guys of they would have sex with their female friends if she was single and given the opportunity. Grand majority of the time it's a yes.
The only thing that tends to dictate whether they would or would not at this time is circumstances.
Some people just respect relationships too much and would never want to be the cause of a breakup. Some people are in relationships themselves, bit would never cheat. Most people have good character so they would do their best to avoid the temptation.

But... that attraction is still there and given the right timing and circumstances they would pounce. That's what the poster is talking about for the most part.

[Sara413]

@imnotcrearive I don't think it is unusual at this age to meet new people of the opposite sex and become actual friends. For example, over the past few years my soccer team has added new players and has merged with another team. I've become platonic friends with most of those guys.

Obviously, if you meet someone at a bar and they say they wanna be your friend that's a whole different story, but people my age don't really go out to bars and chat up strangers as much as younger people do, but even when we do we generally are wise to the fact that they don't intend to be friends.

[imnotcrearive]

So you're telling me that if your boyfriend joined a soccer team and one of the hot girls on the team wanted to be friends so they went to dinner to get to know each other better, you wouldn't be bothered? Simple because you're in your late 20s and people at that age aren't trying to sleep with you... C'mon look at how absurd it sounds. And perhaps dinner is too cliché of a date activity so switch that around with anything else. They practised for soccer together, they went shopping together, etc.. Same question.

[Sara413]

@imnotcrearive My boyfriend and I actually both have quite a few opposite gender friends who we hang out with in group settings and individually. I don't make dinner plans with most friends, male or female, that aren't like my best friend so it would be weird to make dinner plans with a soccer buddy... but it's not weird to grab beers together. Like, if I texted a few people from soccer to see if anyone wanted to grab beers after work and only one of them got back to me and it was one of the dudes, I'd go for beers with him and it'd be totally normal. Same if it was my boyfriend and one of the girls.

He has a couple of really close girl friends that he makes plans with and hangs out with individually, and I have a couple really close guy friends I do the same with.

[imnotcrearive]

Right, but hanging out with friends of the opposite sex in a group setting isn't what were debating here. OP clearly said in his post "no HUGE one". So again, I'll rephrase my question; if your boyfriend hung out with a girl constantly or repeatedly, this girl being someone who hasn't been around his whole life but someone he met in the past year, would it not bother you simply based on your age group and the assumption that somehow people in their late 20s behave differently than those in their early 20s?

[Sara413]

@imnotcrearive honestly it wouldn't.

[OpenClose]

"We KNOW for a FACT that 90% of your guy friends want to have sex with you."

Sounds more like frat-type guys, where most of their friends are guys, so when a girl walks in it's a rarity and they all bite each other's heads off for her affections.

When I was in school, about 60% of my friends were girls. In a school that was 70% girls, so even then I was lacking. Hell, I lived with a lesbian couple and made friends with a lot of their friends. My guy friends weren't constantly trying to sleep with my girl friends, or "be nice and hope they come around" or any of that shit.

There were a few relationships and interests that happened now and again, but for the most part, if I was interested in a friend of theirs, we would date, test the waters, and if it didn't work out we'd just go back to friends.

When I would go hang out with groups where it was just bros who were friends, and their girlfriends just tagging along, it was like chimps in captivity. In fact, that is arguably accurate because of how hierarchical and competitive chimps are when they are in captivity and grouped up as males only separate from the females.
Homophobia was outrageously and hilariously apparent. I mean hilariously, because they would shit themselves when I would taunt them by flirting as though I'm interested. An ego so fragile they are destroyed when a guy compliments them. Or you would be in a group of these dudes, and one guy would bring in his girlfriend. She would basically make some food, make a sports comment, and then leave. All the guys would be like like "dayummm, son. She so fine." talking about how much they would like to "bang every hole she has."

Yeah, that was not my group of friends by any stretch of the imagination. More girls than guys, some petty drama now and again, but I never really worried about a GF's guy friends, because I was usually friends with them, too. Everyone was friends first before they dated, so if we liked each other we would just say so. We treated each other like, I don't know, FRIENDS.

[OpenClose]

I also agree with pretty-gurl-12. But she has me blocked because she said she was an idiot as a kid, and I said she wasn't, but that growing up is a struggle.

[lumos]

"Guys don't get jealous because we don't trust you, we get jealous because we know what the other guy is trying to do"

Is such a lame fucking cop out. What are you afraid of? That they'll try to kiss her? Fun fact: if she's a good girlfriend she will not kiss them back, worst case scenario she'll be shocked and stand still for a few seconds not knowing what to do, but she will eventually get the guy to back off in order to leave the situation. And in that case it wasn't her fault. She didn't control the situation. She didn't want to be kissed. So why would it matter that the guy is trying to pursue her if you fully trust her? If you trust her, you'll know that she'll do her best to reject the guy and leave the situation. So WHY in the world would you get JEALOUS of someone she doesn't even have any interest in, someone she will reject, someone she would never leave for you, if you TRULY, FULLY TRUST HER?
Simple, because you don't actually trust her. And instead of telling her you don't trust her, you try to put the blame on the guy who pursues her. Don't use the guy as a scapegoat for your insecurities. If you fully trust your partner then you have absolutely NO reason to worry about guys hitting on her. None whatsoever.

[lumos]

Also, I have plenty of guy friends who I have no intention to sleep with, and they know this. Why would they even be friends with me for years? Why "waste" all that time on someone you don't care about and only want to have sex with? I HIGHLY doubt guys are really that fucking desperate and simple-minded. You don't really have a very positive view of your gender, which is sad.

[lumos]

someone she would never leave you for*

[ThatGuy98]

Oh, so you just "happen" to get kissed? Last time I checked you have to be pretty freaking close to each other (physically) to be able to kiss, so don't try to talk shit about it coming as a surprise. xD

[lumos]

@ThatGuy98 sure, because it's not like he can walk up to you if you're not close. Legs don't exist and forcing someone to kiss you is obviously not a real thing that can happen.

[ThatGuy98]

If you can't see that coming and dodge it in some way, like stepping back or hitting him, you need to check your reflexes at a doctor.

[Bandit74]

"Also, I have plenty of guy friends who I have no intention to sleep with, and they know this. Why would they even be friends with me for years? Why "waste" all that time on someone you don't care about and only want to have sex with?"

You're right, most guys wouldn't waste years on a girl who shows no interest in them if they ONLY wanted to have sex with you.

But that doesn't mean they dont secretly wish they could be in a relrelationship with you or that they wouldn't jump on the opportunity to sleep with you if offered.

Realistically, if you offered to be fwbs or to actually date them, do you believe all of your guy friends would turn you down and say: "Sorry lumos, I don't see you that way, I value our fruendship too much and wouldn't want to risk ruining it"?

or do you think at least some of them would happily accept the offer to sleep with you?

[Spotme]

@lumos I have to disagree with you on this one. It's not fear about something as trivial as someone trying to kiss you. That's pretty ridiculous. It's fear about influence. Anyone can be influenced to some degree and that has nothing to do with trust. People break up all the time. Breaking up is not a breach of trust. People usually break up for two reasons. To be simple about it. Either they don't like you any more or they like someone else more. And that is exactly what a lot of guys try to influence. They will keep showing you a side of them that is great while reminding you of everything your boyfriend is doing wrong. Some are better at it than others, but their goal is to get you thinking "Hmm.. Maybe my boyfriend isn't so great after all" or "This guy seems a lot better than my boyfriend" and that is what we are afraid of.

[Spotme]

If I were to see my girlfriend having a great time with one of her friends (depends on which one and if I know him) or if she starts talking to me about some great guy she met and how he's so awesome. Then I am going to start thinking about his intentions. Because I know what guys are capable of and what they will do and how they will try to hide it. My imagination is going to make me feel bad and that's not something I can just turn off. I wish I could, but I can't.

[lumos]

@ThatGuy98 you know you can still take people by surprise, right? A stranger once walked up to me and hugged me in the middle of the street. It was so unexpected that I didn't have time to react. I just ended up standing there for a few seconds, not knowing what to do. After the initial wave of surprise ended, I told him to stop. There was nothing I could have done to stop him.

@Bandit74 even so, why would it matter what they think of me or wish would happen with me and them, if it's something I'd never pursue while already in a relationship? Getting jealous over some other guy's thoughts of me is not only extremely paranoid, but slightly delusional as well. Why do their thoughts even matter? If you trust me, why get jealous?

@Spotme if you think your partner can be influenced to the point of cheating, then you don't trust her. Simple as that. If you trust her, then you know she can't be influenced, you know she's smart. Again, not about you not trusting the guy. You don't trust her.

[Spotme]

@lumos No, it's not fear about cheating. Cheating implies that she does something while in the relationship. It's fear about her leaving the relationship.

[lumos]

@Spotme doesn't matter. If you're that afraid that she'll hurt you somehow, whether that's cheating or leaving or maybe even abusing you, then you don't trust her. If you trusted her, you'd have no reason to worry about any of those things until you have clear evidence of her doing something that could genuinely break your trust for her. Innocent until proven guilty, or guilty until proven innocent? If you go the guilty until proven innocent route, you never have and never will trust her.

[Spotme]

@lumos Ok, let me ask you a question. Can you say with your hand on your heart that you will never leave a boyfriend for another guy?

[lumos]

@Spotme if I'm happy in the relationship, I would have no reason to start liking another guy. I'm already finding it extremely difficult to even find ONE guy to like/fall for. To suddenly start liking two guys would be pretty much impossible for me. I've had a few meaningless crushes in my life, but as far as actually being extremely attracted and interested in a guy, to the point of being able to clearly see myself in a relationship with him? It has happened twice for me. So the likelihood of me leaving a guy for someone else is pretty much nonexistent. If I find myself being unhappy in a relationship, I would end it before even getting the chance to start liking someone else. It's not something that would happen randomly for me.

[Spotme]

Ok, let me rephrase the question. Do you think that it's wrong in principle for someone (in a normal relationship) to leave their partner for someone they like more, or rather do you think it makes them untrustworthy?

[lumos]

@Spotme It makes them untrustworthy, because if it's that easy for them to fall for someone else when they have no reason to (their partner is really good to them, the relationship is happy, they feel safe, pleased and secure etc) then they're simply not ready for commitments and long-term relationships.

[Spotme]

@lumos Why do you assume it would be easy? It could be that this never happens to them, but that this one time in their life they have found someone who they genuinely think would make them the happiest and whom they would make the happiest. We only get one life. Should you not be allowed to pursue your own happiness and find your optimal mate without being labelled untrustworthy?

[lumos]

@Spotme how can you ever be sure that they would make you more happy than your boyfriend ever could without being with them first, or crossing some line to get to that point? If you're with someone who already makes you feel all the positive things you should feel in a relationship, I don't understand why you'd ever even think about being with anyone else. So yeah, if you suddenly find someone else to be with despite the fact that you already have a perfectly good partner, then it means that your emotions shift very easily and that you shouldn't be in an exclusive relationship.

[Spotme]

@lumos Of course you can't be sure that you would be happier. I'm talking about the right to pursue what you believe would make you happier. I didn't say that anyone would go around thinking about someone else. I said what if you met someone out of the blue who made you feel that way. I'm starting to see your opinion on this, but I still don't see how you can say that their emotions shift very easily.

What if a guy was in a relationship with a girl for two years, then he meets someone else who he likes more. Then he spends he rest of his life with her. Did his emotions shift easily? Is he untrustworthy?

[lumos]

@Spotme yes, his emotions shifted easily in that moment. Personally I wouldn't be able to trust him anymore, if a guy dumped a girl for me. Even if we could spend the rest of our lives together hypothetically. I'd still be worried that he would dump me for someone else, just like he dumped that other girl. So yes, I do think it makes people untrustworthy. To jump from one relationship to another like that, to me, means you're very indecisive about what you really want.

[Spotme]

@lumos So if a guy that hasn't done anything like that becomes your boyfriend. You will never be worried that he is going to dump you for someone else?

[lumos]

@Spotme if he doesn't give me a reason to worry, I will not worry.

[Spotme]

@lumos Of course you won't be worried if he doesn't give you a reason to worry. That applies to me as well. But that reason is subjective. It's all about how you feel. For me a reason to worry could be one of her friends getting very close with her.

What reasons to worry could he possibly give you If you completely trust him. Whatever he does or whatever anyone does to him should not worry you at all. You should not ever be suspicious of anything.

[lumos]

@Spotme reasons to worry would be him acting on someone else hitting on him. If a girl gets close to him and tries to hit on him, I will not worry based on that fact alone. But if he starts reciprocating, showing signs of interest, possibly even leaving with her to go somewhere else, then THAT'S a reason to worry. What someone else decides to do or say to him is not reason enough for me to worry. The way he reacts is a reason for me to worry. It's all about HIM. He could literally have a million girls approaching him, hitting on him, but as long as he rejects every single one of them and makes it clear that he's with me, I have absolutely NO reason whatsoever to worry about him or feel jealous.

[lumos]

@Spotme so what I'm basically trying to say is, you can't control other people's actions. You can't decide that nobody ever gets to hit on your girlfriend ever, as long as you're with her. She can't control it, either. She can't control whether someone decides to approach her or not. However, what she can control is saying no. Rejecting the guy. He can approach her all he wants, but as long as she says no and tells him that she's with you, you don't have the right to worry about her. Because if you worry about her despite the fact that she clearly does not want to be with the other guy, then you don't trust her.

[Spotme]

@lumos Yes, my point was that you would not ever worry about him acting on someone else hitting on him. Basically if you trust him, you won't worry about him giving you a reason to worry..

Also following your logic. Those reasons you gave doesn't really justify worrying.

Showing signs of interest. How can you be sure that he is? What if you are misreading the situation and mistaking interest for courtesy?

Leaving with her to go somewhere else. What if she is drunk and he is escorting her to a taxi just to make sure she's safe?

If you trust him you must always assume that his intentions are 100% honourable and never be suspicious unless you see HARD evidence, like him having sex with another person right in front of you.

[Spotme]

@lumos And no, you can't control what other people do. But you can choose to limit you contact with them or to not be friends with them after the fact.

If a girl were to start spending a lot of time with your boyfriend. Making him laugh, making him smile, stimulating him intellectually in areas that you just couldn't. Would you feel nothing about that?

[lumos]

@Spotme actually following my logic does justify worrying. My logic here being: don't worry about something you don't have any evidence for. To me, signs of interest would be groping her, possibly kissing her, leaning in way too close, letting her touch/kiss him back without stopping it or rejecting her. That's evidence that he's basically cheating. Whereas if she tries to do these things but he stops her and then removes himself from the situation by leaving her, I have no reason to feel jealous or to worry. If he's escorting her to a taxi he'd come back, right? The kind of "leaving" I meant was that he doesn't come back. I don't really think you understand what I'm trying to say here.

If a girl gets him to laugh and he appreciates her intellect, and that's all that happens between them, I have no reason to worry (yet again). A guy can have a laugh and be impressed by a girl's intellect without wishing to leave his current girlfriend for her. I'm not so insecure with myself that I'd question

[lumos]

@Spotme my own worth as a person and as a girlfriend just because some other girl does and says things differently than me. If I trust him and he doesn't give me a reason to break my trust for him, I have no reason to worry about him falling for her.

[Bandit74]

So is that a yes? Some of them would probably have sex with you if you offered?

What is your reason for being so sure that you'd never want to be with any of them? Is it just lack of physical attraction?

And you wouldn't feel even slightly jealous if your boyfriend had close female friends who you knew wanted to have sex with him or potentially take him from you?

Emotions are rarely logical and most people don't choose how to feel in any given scenario but regardless i dont think its an unreasonable concern to have. If a girl has a lot of male friends who want to sleep with her and those guys are at least reasonably attractive, then that increases the opportunities for cheating. Especially if the relationship is out of that initial blissful stage and has become more monotonous. It's perfect for a new guy to sweep in and steal her away by adding some excitement into her life.

[Bandit74]

Look at celebrities, and how short lived their relationships are. Part of it is the opportunity. I dont think its just that celebrities are more unfaithful than the average joe/jane. They experience more temptation than the average person. Add in the fact that they are often spending long periods of time away from their SO and spending it with a really attractive co-worker, it's a deadly cocktail for infidelity.

As far "Why do their thoughts even matter? If you trust me, why get jealous?"
Well as I said emotions aren't 100% logical, but also I don't think you can completely trust a person. Most people at the end of the day have their self interests as their primary concern. If she develops feeling for one of her male friends there's no reason why she wouldn't at the very least, break up with her SO. Or if they are having a rough patch with their partner and are confiding in and spending 1 on 1 time with their male friend who always secretly wanted to have sex with her, well that could definitely lead to some issues.

Sure "just trust them" but really I don't think you can ever trust someone 100%. Trust is a prerequisite for betrayal. A lot of the people who have been skrewed over by a partner trusted them, only to be completely blindsided. Im not saying you should have to drop your male friends, I just think it's normal for the guy to feel jealous and have some doubt.

[Spotme]

@lumos I think I understand you now. You would only worry if there was logical evidence. Evidence that most people would also consider evidence. Suspicious circumstances alone would not make you worry at all. If that's the case then I understand.

I also assume that you wouldn't have a problem with your boyfriend still being friends with the girl making advances at him as long as he keeps rejecting her.

Yes, a guy can have a laugh and be impressed by a girl's intellect without wishing to leave his current girlfriend, but it can also happen that he does. You say that is no reason to worry. I say that there is reason to worry. It may not be incredibly worrying, but not even the slightest worry? Anyway that is a difference of opinion and personality.

I'm not saying that you should have to question your own worth as a person and a girlfriend, but would't you feel at least a little bit bad about not being able to give your boyfriend a kind of happiness that another girl can?

[lumos]

@Spotme no I wouldn't feel insecure about that, since the most important part is that he still finds me more fascinating than her, even if he finds her fascinating for different reasons. I know I'm not perfect in every aspect and I know that he might find another girls interesting for different reasons he finds me interesting, but to me that's not at all threatening or something to worry about. I'd appreciate it if he cut off contact with his girl "friend" if she keeps disregarding his rejections. That says a lot about the lack of respect she has for him, his feelings and his relationship with me, and it would be wise of him to not associate himself with her anymore. Not because I feel threatened or worried, but because she's literally being a shit friend by not respecting his wishes. But that's ultimately his choice so eh, whatever.

@Bandit74 I feel no connection to them, that's why nothing would ever happen. And just read all the responses I've given to Spotme, all the answers

[lumos]

@Bandit74 ... to your questions are literally right there and I'm really not in the mood of repeating myself for the 100th time.

[Bandit74]

Could you be a little more specific about what they are lacking that prevent you from seeing them as anything more than friends?

Like you must have some sort of connection with them if you consider them friends, no?

Ah, yes you did. sorry :/

It doesn't have to be insecurity. I know I'm not bottom of the barrel but I wouldn't be so arrogant as to assume that I'm irreplaceable or that there's not better guys out there who could be interested in my girlfriend.

Correct me if I'm wrong buy youve never been in a long-term relationship. So how can you know for sure how you'd feel if youve never been in that situation?

I think it's easy to act all self assured on the internet and claim you'd handle a situation in a certain way, but it's different when you're actually in that situation.

[lumos]

@Bandit74 because I don't connect with them like that. I'm not attracted to them like that. We're friends but that's it, I'd never be able to see them as something more. It would be like dating my brother. Ew.
I'm an incredibly strong person emotionally and I know myself extremely well. I haven't been in a serious relationship no, but I know myself well enough and I'm self-aware enough to know exactly how I'd feel. People also keep telling me that I won't know how fun alcohol is until I try it, but I have absolutely zero interest in it and I know it would make me feel like shit.

[Spotme]

@lumos Fair enough. You are a very trusting person and if you can live like that then you are very fortunate. I couldn't live like that even if I wanted to. I still think you can say that you trust someone even if it's not completely 100%. I mean I trust my mom and dad, not a 100% though.

Let's say hypothetically that someone you trusted 100% betrayed you. That would mean that you were wrong about something that you couldn't be wrong about. After that could anyone ever trust you when you said that you trusted them 100%?

[lumos]

@Spotme it would take a while for me to bounce back after being betrayed, I can't deny that. But I realize everyone is different. Just because one partner decided to betray me, it certainly doesn't mean the next one will, because they're two different people. The second partner deserves 100% of my trust. Not trusting them because of what someone else did would not be fair in the slightest.

[Bandit74]

So its mainly lack of physical attraction?
or if it's partly personality based, then what personality traits does the boyfriend have that the close male friend doesn't?

For me, sexual attraction is like 90% physical. Personality matters for compatibility and emotional connection. If I enjoyed spending time with a girl as friends and also found her attractive, I'd at least have a desire to have sex with her. I'm not saying I can't be content with a friendship but I'd at least find the idea of sex with her appealing.

The only way I could see a girl as sexually unappealing as a family member would be if she was just completely unnatractive.

Alright, fair enough. I guess I'm not as emotionally strong as you are.

[RedThread]

You're fucking awesome lumos ;)

[Spotme]

@lumos Yes, not trusting someone because of what someone else did would not be fair, but would it be logical? In my opinion trust is something that should be earned not something that people automatically deserve.

Ok, lets see if we agree on this. Another hypothetical. If you told someone that you were 100% sure that 1+1=3. Should anyone ever trust you again?

[lumos]

@Spotme no it wouldn't be logical because they're two different people and it's not logical to "punish" someone for something someone else did. See, you have the guilty until proven innocent mentality. I have the innocent until proven guilty mentality.
The 1+1 = 3 example is a bit silly because it's nothing compared to cheating on someone and going behind their back. Everyone can make factual mistakes. However going behind someone else's back is not a mistake at all, you clearly do it with the intention of lying to someone and possibly hurting them. Not comparable to getting a math question wrong.

@RedThread thanks ☺️

[Spotme]

@lumos In this case I wasn't comparing the two. It was a separate hypothetical just to see if you agreed about something that is much easier to determine.

[DaddyRollingStone]

I wasn't born yesterday, you do actually have to earn someone's trust. No body trusts 100%, thats just being gullible and naive.

If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, its probably a duck.

[lumos]

@DaddyRollingStone good for you

[DaddyRollingStone]

it is good for me

[John_Doesnt]

Opinion owner obviously doesn't know guys that well. The myTakeowner is right because we understand that other dudes are trying to get her drunk and get in her pants. It doesn't matter what her trust level is or if she's a "good girlfriend". Being a good girlfriend doesn't mean anything if some hot guy gets her drunk enough.

[lumos]

@John_Doesnt so basically you're jealous of the fact that some dude might try to rape her?

[John_Doesnt]

Not jealous, just common sense.

[lumos]

@John_Doesnt so what does that have to do with my opinion then, since I clearly tried to explain why I think the sentence "Guys don't get jealous because we don't trust you, we get jealous because we know what the other guy is trying to do" is absolute bullshit? The entire POINT of my opinion is that I find it absolutely RIDICULOUS that guys get jealous over shit that girls usually have ZERO control over.

[John_Doesnt]

When did I say anything about rape? I said get her drunk.
Your idea is BS because women do have control over getting drunk around an attractive guy that wants to sleep with her.

[lumos]

@John_Doesnt you said the guy wants to get her drunk enough, i. e. probably so drunk she can't really consent. That's rape.

[lumos]

@John_Doesnt Plus, why the fuck would anyone even be with a girl they suspect will cheat when tipsy? Why not just be with a girl you trust in the first place? You guys are so weird.

[John_Doesnt]

Getting drunk isn't rape. It's a woman's responsibility not to get trashed around guys.

[lumos]

@John_Doesnt a drunk person can't consent. Now leave this alone already, this is nearly 2 weeks old and I'm not one to dwell in the past.

[Hal2002]

Good take on the friend thing and dating.

It is amazing how women think they know men when they really don't, we men let each other know when we are competing against each other. One clue women always seem to miss, is when her guy friend hangs around when she is with the boy friend.

The being compared to an ex, is one way to have me ending a date very fast. I don't compare the present to the past, I am getting to know you and find out who you are inside.

When someone is comparing you to an ex a lot, take that as a sign that person is not over the ex. I have observed that most women with baggage from relationships, are the women that don't give themselves time to get over the ex and reconnect with themselves before starting another relationship.

Females don't like other females, it does not matter how long you have been friends with a woman. The girlfriend is not going to like her, and nothing you say will convince her that you are just friends.

Women that tell their intimate secrets to their friends, I have overheard women telling their bedroom business to friends. They tell their friends everything their guy likes, and most important they tell all the things they are not doing for their guy. By the time they are finished, they do not seem to realize that they have just told their friends everything they need to know to get into their guys pants.

[Other_Tommy_Wiseau]

that 1st thing is bullshit. ok, i might be in the 10%, but i don't wanna bone most of my girl friends. some of them are extremely attractive, but i'm not attracted to the vast majority of my girl friends, let alone the non-attractive ones. i feel like that's a built in excuse that a lot of people use to either try and date/hook-up with friends with no repercussions and/or a reason to square any friend the person of the opposite sex that their boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife has.

that leads straight into #3. i just see it as more friends. unless the guys and/or girls she's friends with is annoying or trying to fuck her, i really don't care who she's friends with. she had friends before i knew her so why should she stop having guy friends all together? as much as i want her to love me, i shouldn't be the be all end all of her life, nor should she expect me to think that my friends who i've known since pre school in some cases, i should never talk to again.

[Ferretman21]

You may be one of the good guys and not want to sleep with your girl friends... but I'm sure the majority of someone's girlfriends guy friends given the chance would have sex with her in an instant, just how most guys are.

[bomba78]

Good take. I can confirm all of it. 9 out of 10 guy friends will try to get in your pants eventually (or t least won't say no if you happen to make a move)

and no, I don't trust women who are not my friends with my man. There are only a few exeptions, my bitch radar is very accurate.
However, I do trust my close girlfriends completely. I don't consider many people my close friends, and it takes a while until someone has earned my trust. So far I haven't been betrayed (luckily)

And in general it is always wise to not disclose every dirty detail of a relationship. Issues have to be taken care of at home and not online or talking shit behind his/her back. It is also wise to not disclose all the good stuff either. It's best to keep information to a minimum. Envy is a very powerful energy and somehow it does affect you.

[GoodDogNigel]

"(or at least won't say no if you happen to make a move)"

I think this is the most common situation. My best friends are girls, I'm not TRYING to get into their pants or anything, but if they offered...

[Nicolás25]

this does not ring true with me my girlfriend has guy friends and i have girl friends and we allow eachother to go hang out with each we both trust eachother even if i do see that her guy friend has other interests in her i don't make her choose me over her friends or anything rash like that i just trust that even if the guy made a move she would say no call me crazy for being so trusting but she does the same with me and my girl friends i personally wouldn't be able to be with someone who is so jealous to not let me have female firends or anyone who is so insecure to let me hang out with someone of the opposite sex for a couple hours

[Ferretman21]

A couple of hours? A lot can happen in a couple of hours just sayin lol.

[Nicolás25]

Im not thinking about what can happen in a couple of hours because I'm not jealous or insecure and I trust she will be loyal @Ferretman21

[Ferretman21]

I'm not any of those things either, @Nicolas25. I just know the reality of things lol.

[imnotcrearive]

Good take, just to add a few things though. Firstly you should've mentioned you're talking about new guy friends and new girlfriends. When you have a history of friendship with someone it's unlikely they'll try and sleep with you after a year or 5 or 10 of knowing you. Second is to touch on your "were not all the same" point; you really should've emphasized to guys that if a girl is damaged or has trust issues or compares you to past relationships, it's not your responsibility as a guy to try and fix that. Those are her own issues and if she can't get past them don't get in a relationship with her because it will more than likely end up being toxic.

[Prettygurl12]

Okay quick question...

So. Point 1: Guy friends.

If I grant you the idea that our guy friends want to sleep with us... what about your girl friends?

Can the same be said about you? Do you then also want to sleep with them? Why should you have female friends if you want to stick your dick in them and then deny us male friends?

[Spotme]

That doesn't really apply to this because then it's about trust and respect seeing as it is the guy who is in a relationship. As the picture above says:

"Guys don't get jealous because we don't trust you, we get jealous because we know what the other guy is trying to do"

Being attracted to the opposite sex is fine as long as you don't act on it. It's not about the ones who are in the relationship. It's about the intentions of the people around you. If his female friends are interested in him, then it's the same.

[Prettygurl12]

I see no difference. If guys are friends with girls they want to sleep with then he wants to sleep with his female friends. End of story.

[Spotme]

No, there is a difference. You don't have to care about it, but there is one and I want you to see it.

The difference is everyone's intentions.

Example: A guy and a girl is in a relationship. They're both loyal, they both trust and love each other. The guy has 100 female friends and he wants to sleep with 90 of them. So why doesn't he try to do it? Because he already has someone he loves and trusts and is loyal to. He is not trying to sleep with them, flirting with them or treating any differently than the other 10 he doesn't want to sleep with.

The same things applies to the girl except for some differences. She has 100 male friends, but she only wants to sleep with 30 of them (30 for the sake of argument, no idea what the actual number would be, but I'm pretty sure it's significantly lower than the guy's). Anyway the point is that girls are pickier about who they want to sleep with. She doesn't act on it either because she already has someone she loves and trusts and is loyal to.

[Spotme]

(Continuing here)

Here is the difference:

Out of 100 friends, 90 of them will want to sleep with her. 45 of them won't care about the fact that she is already in a relationship and try to hit on her and basically look for any opportunity to talk about how good they would treat her and how bad their current boyfriend is treating them. They are not so dangerous because they are easy to spot and it's easy to tell.

22.5 of them will pretend to be her friend with hidden intentions. They will wait until something bad happens in the relationship and only then reach out a comforting hand and say something like "I can't believe he did that. You deserve so much better!". Those are the dangerous ones.

22.5 of them will be the good friends. Awesome guys that actually would try to fix their relationship instead of trying to hijack it. The problem with those are that half of them will be too awesome and we will become scared that she going to want to leave us for them at some point.

[Spotme]

In conclusion. Your boyfriend will be uncomfortable with 78,75% of your male friends.

[Prettygurl12]

All I'm hearing is men don't trust us and want to control our friend pool.

[Spotme]

Then you're unfortunately not getting the point I'm trying to make.

[Prettygurl12]

Men always talk about how they don't have self control. Why be friends with girls you want to sleep with? It takes two to cheat. You obviously don't trust your girl. If you did you wouldn't worry about her guy friends.

[Spotme]

Men who talk about how they don't have self control are pretty weak. This is not about cheating or worrying about your partner cheating on you. It's worrying about them leaving you, or more specifically leaving you for someone else.

[Explore2016]

So true. The amount of guys I thought were my friends but actually were just trying to get into my pants. One so called guy friend got very aggressive and threatening when I told him I didn't like him like that and I had a boyfriend. Thankfully my older brother was at the same party and kicked the shit out of him.

[Angel7777777]

That picture caption makes absoloutly no sense.

Obviously you don't trust us... it doesn't matter how the other guy feels or what he wants to do, you should trust that WE would never act on it. It's not like if the guy wants to sleep with us that automatically means it's going to happen.

This post is stupid.

[jaydogs1990]

Thats not what he meant. What he was getting at was that many relationships have been damaged or ended by a woman's guy "friend" who wants her and will play the good guy giving bad advice interfering in the relationship and twisting her thoughts all the while hoping to break them up so he can pounce on weak moment. The boyfriend will usually clearly tell her that he doesn't trust her guy friend but she will ignore it as jealousy. The classic maneuver is to come by after they have had a fight with a bottle of wine as a "thoughtful" gesture hoping she will be vulnerable enough to get her into the sack. These types of guys are single minded and always on mission. My girl had a few guy friends that were trying this despite my warnings, it wasn't jealously or lack of trust of her on my part but instinct. One of they guys did try it after we had a fight and another cornered her at work and tried it on when she said no he tried to rape her only her sister heard her scream and hit him

[jaydogs1990]

... with a shovel. If your guy instinctively tells you there's something off about a guy friend and that he doesn't trust him then its worth trusting your guy.

[abacaxi84]

@jaydogs1990 is right, if the guy friend is single and investing a lot in being a woman's *friend* the he's most likely angling for a weak moment and hoping they break up. I have had enough of this bullshit happening time and time again with supposed male *friends*, so the only male friends I keep these days are men who are already in a relationship, or guys who are also friends with my boyfriend. Single guys who want to hang out with women one on one nearly always have an ulterior motive.

[grahamcracka]

my ex was almost raped thinking like that. she trusted a guy, hung out in private and he jumped on her. we don't trust the guy

[Ferretman21]

'' Automatically means it's going to happen''... there's this thing, called rape. The so called '' Friend'' could flat out try and rape the girl, drug her drink, make a move on her when she's drunk or passed out.

That's what us guys think about too. We just wanna protect our girlfriend's because we love them, and know what creeps some guys can be.

[MysteriousFlower]

No problem. Seriously- I wouldn't want to have a ton of guys friends and I already keep my life fairly private. As for my dating life I am going to let things get a little more serious, and then I will just state the basics; Name, Occupation and how we met. I'm also aware guys are different, besides they have same urges but their kindness meter will be Evil or Nice.

[rjroy3]

I agree with this 95% lol.
The last point of don't tell anyone your problems, I agree you should never complain to the opposite sex about your relationship problems and that for the most part not mention problems to the same sex friends. Unless it's someone that has been time tested. Life long best friend who you can trust and you're not going to them to bitch about your issues, but to bounce ideas off of them. Sometimes getting some council (from a trustworthy source) is helpful

[Jackblue]

It seems like you think people in relationships ought not to have any friends. Yes a girl's guy friends might think about having sex with her, but that doesn't mean she would ever do it. Also, trying to isolate a person is the first sign of an abuser.

[Anonymous]

I definitely agree with the last point. One of my ex's friends befriended me, but we were just casual friends, and he would tell me things about my ex to make me feel insecure about the relationship. I regret listening to him, because the day after the break-up, he snapped at me for mentioning my ex and started hitting on me.

I've learned from my mistakes and hoping my ex will forgive me one day and we can try again, because he was special.

[cinderelli]

nice mytake.. but if he he thinks 90% of my guy friends want to sleep with me.. then he better leave his 90% of girl friends too..
and yeah,, we should only keep few opposite gender friends.. the close one who we can trust. :)

[9mfeo]

So what you're saying is, I have to drop my two best friends (that I have known since kindergarten) to be in a relationship? Uh, no thanks.

[Spotme]

Have you at some point ever been intimate with any of them?

[9mfeo]

@Spotme no! One doesn't even like girls!

[Spotme]

Then no guy in their right mind would tell you to drop those friends.

[9mfeo]

@Spotme but that's the one thing guys wish girls knew *heavy sarcasm*

[Spotme]

Yea, it's not really about your old friends or guys you have known for a long time and never had any intimacy with. It's more about new guys that you meet or guys that you have met recently. With some exceptions.

[9mfeo]

@Spotme dude, I'm an engineer. Basically all the new people I meet are men. If they're all trying to sleep with me and I'm not allowed to confer with my classmates and colleagues because of some jealous twit, then I'm fine being single.

[Spotme]

@9mfeo That's all well and good. Nobody is really asking you to drop your friends. You can do whatever you want. That's not what this take is about. This is about things guys wish girls were aware of and how it affects us. Whether or not you choose to show any kind of consideration for that in a relationship is completely up to you. I bet there are things that you would want your boyfriend to be considerate about.

[9mfeo]

@Spotme I love how policing behaviour is okay just as long as you frame it as "I don't like it when you do this so I'm going to guilt you into doing things you're not comfortable with,"

[Spotme]

@9mfeo Now I don't follow. From what you just said it seems like you are saying that two people in a relationship shouldn't talk about what makes them feel bad, but keep it to themselves. And if they do say something about how bad they feel, then it's their problem.

[9mfeo]

@Spotme I'm saying that, if a behaviour is truly innocuous (such as having male friends or male colleagues), that guilting your partner out of spending time with these people is a shitty thing to do. Follow?

[Spotme]

@9mfeo There is nothing wrong with having male friends. Most guys wouldn't ask you to stop spending time with them for no reason. There has to be a reason that makes them suspect that someone is interested in you and willing to act on it. Something your friends did or said that your boyfriend thought was inappropriate.

[9mfeo]

@Spotme proving that your partner does not trust you. Because if they trusted you, they wouldn't be worried that someone else had feelings for you would.

[Spotme]

@9mfeo Hmm.. Interesting. It seems like girls and guys have very different opinions when it comes to what you can call trust. The direction this is going I have already discussed with @lumos in the same Take. You can read it, or not.

I would like to ask one question though. Do you think that you can only use the word "trust" for someone that you trust 100%? Or can you still trust someone even it it's not completely 100%?

[9mfeo]

@Spotme I only consider trust when it is 100%. There is no partial trust.

[lumos]

^^^^ I agree with that. You don't partially trust someone. Either you do or you don't. There's no "I kinda trust you-ish" option.

[9mfeo]

@lumos exactly, and that's why the whole "I hate that you have male friends who are trying to sleep with you even though you do nothing to encourage them so stop talking to them altogether" narrative is so tiresome and hurtful.

[lumos]

And a massive cop-out because what the guy is really saying is "I don't trust you to reject them when they approach you and I'm scared that you'll think they're way better than me". Imho that doesn't sound like trusting your partner. What someone else feels for your partner should be completely irrelevant as long as your partner rejects them.

[9mfeo]

@lumos I agree completely.

[Spotme]

@9mfeo and @lumos Ok, so there is no partial trust. Do you guys trust your friends?

[9mfeo]

@Spotme of course I do. I also trust them to respect my boundaries, and not to get mad if I punch them in the face when those boundaries are crossed.

[lumos]

@Spotme yes I do, otherwise they wouldn't be my friends.

[Spotme]

@lumos and @9mfeo I don't think that it's right for people to say that they trust with 100% certainty when there is a possibility (however slight) that they could be wrong and then tell other people that they aren't ready for commitments and long-term relationships because they lack trust.

I have levels of trust. I trust my friends. I trust my closest friends more. I trust my two best friends the most all them all. I trust my family and out of those the ones I trust the most are my mom, my dad and my sister. I would basically do anything for them, maybe even die for them. Even still I don't trust either of them 100%. There is a possibility that something in this world could happen that would make them betray me.

Can I tell any of those that I trust them?

[9mfeo]

@Spotme no, you can't. Please stop tagging me individually, as I am getting twice the required number of notifications.

[Spotme]

I understand. Sorry about the double tagging, didn't know that it worked that way. Anyway thank you for taking the time to answer my questions. You too @lumos. It was informative.

Now if you'll excuse me I have to go tell a lot of people that I don't trust them. Actually I think I'll just update my Facebook "I don't trust anyone" and maybe put in a smiley face to not make it seem so dark.

[Anonymous]

Agree with the "were not all the same" bit. Having been used as a rebound, I was irritated by being compared to the girl's on and off ex as well as being used to make him jealous. Lesson learned, if a girl or guy complains about their ex, they are NOT over them.

[Deft_maiden]

Same can be said about " female friends" . We always know what a girl is really up to.
Good take 👍🏻

[tyber1]

I agree with the idea that it's not necessarily your partner that you distrust, but the other person. Nobody is perfect and people can be manipulated into doing things they wouldn't normally do. Sad but true.

[Cjanes]

I agree with this take, you don't need to drop your male/ female friends just be aware what appropriate and what not. Going to lunch have fun, late night movies at their apartment not so much.