1. No Show
Oh did you just leave work early, buy flowers, rush to shower, get dressed in a clean shirt, fight through traffic, all so you could make a good first impression on a F**KING GHOST?!? Well if she wasn't before, she's definitely dead to you now.
2. Well, this is...awkward
"So, how is that thing you do?" "It's good." "You?" "Same." "What do you like to do?" "Stuff." "What kind of stuff?" "You know, stuff." "Favorite col--" That moment when you realize you have nothing to say to one another, the other person just answers in one word boring answers, and you've looked at the clock at least 3 times in the last 5 minutes.
3. Passed Out
Right now is the precise moment you regret agreeing to your date picking you up because now he's passed out in the bar, on the couch, on the ground, and/or in his own vomit. Now you're thinking that you've really got a work thing or a school thing in the morning and if this is date one, you can't really imagine what a date two would look like. Unfortunately he's not coherent enough for you to tell him that this is soooo not going to work out.
4. Mirror Mirror
You love yourself too, but this girl is IN LOVE with herself. First she was late because she was in her words, still getting ready 45 minutes after the date was supposed to start, then she checked herself out in the car at least three times, then you caught her eyeing the knife so she could see her reflection, and now she needs a touch up before the food has even come out. Has she even noticed you actually exist in the middle of taking all the time out to notice herself?
5. No manners
You could forgive him the burp without saying excuse me, possibly the walking through the door and not holding it open behind him, and maybe even the nut grab that wasn't anywhere approaching subtle, but it's dinner time and his total and complete lack of manners are really apparent. This guy is approaching disgusting and has no sort of home training whatsoever. It's so distracting that you can't even pay attention to anything he's saying nor can you picture introducing him to any other person in the civilized world.
6. Three's a Crowd
You were so psyched that this girl actually asked you out for a change. So rare to find a girl to do that, but you show up and her friend is there. Why is her friend there? Is..this...a date? She said dinner, movies, but it's like you're not even there. Is this some sort of third wheel deal? How do you ask without giving it away that you might have misread the signals, but wait, she didn't say, "and we're going to meet up with friends." She distinctly asked if you wanted to go to movie and a dinner with her. Would it be rude to call it an early night...unless....maybe three's company...okay, no, nope, definitely not. If you sneak out now, you might be able to catch the 3rd quarter of the game...
7. Oh did you go to Harvard?
Wow, this guy is so accomplished and smart and rich and good at every sport he's ever tried and is so popular that he can't, in his words, just seem to find "the one." You call major bullsh*t big time. This guy is lying so much he doesn't even realize you've asked him the same question three times to fact check him, and he's given you three different answers. This is probably 100% of the reason this guy hasn't found the one, because he can't manage to tell ONE truth about himself.
8. Bitter and Angry Much?
You can't quite put your finger on it, but its phrases like, "all men are such users," and "there are no good men out there," and "all good men are gay or taken," or "every guy I date is like my bastard ex," that really have you feeling like this girl has, you don't know, maybe, just maybe, been repeatedly hurt and is practically willing you to hurt her too so she can add you to her long bitter and angry man hating narrative you're pretty sure she recites to every new guy she meets. You try your best to show her that you're not "that guy," but it's clear you have a penis and therefore must die. Exit stage left.
9. Eyes Back Here
Okay so a guy you've just met makes a quick peek at another girl, whatever, you can let it go, but this is a first date and this guy has eyes for everyone but you. He's not even apologetic or trying to hide it. You could probably leave and walk out and this guy wouldn't notice until 5 minutes later.
10. Not Over It
You're thinking that you probably should have never asked for any reason about her last boyfriend, because that pushed some sort of internal button of unrequited love in her. It's now half an hour later and you feel like you dang near broke up with her ex yourself. You have really tried to be understanding and sympathetic, but now she's tearing up over this dude. She's telling you how great he really was and how if she had only tried harder to make it work, and blah, blah, blah. You want to scream: "me, remember me, lalalalalala, me on this date with you!!!" Wait a minute. Oh no. No, noooooo. Oh God, that's it, you've got it. You know why you're here. You're the rebound guy. And it's not working for her. Or you.
11. Your Accountant
The bill arrives, and he starts reading it out to you: "remember when you ordered dessert, and then you had the wine. Two glasses, I believe. You also had the lamb, no I had the lamb, you had the steak, oh yes, and you ordered the salad. With tax and tip, uh let's see here, gotta be accurate." Considering he invited you to one of the most expensive restaurants in town on this first date, why is he now pointing out a line by line itemized list of all the things you ate and drank? If he seriously wanted you to go dutch or to spend less or do something else for free, he should have been upfront about it or made other plans for the date instead of trying to put some guilt trip on you now for eating and drinking. If this was his brilliant idea of making a good first impression, it's not working.
12. Don't Speak
By your calculation her opinion has "had to be" correct for the past hour. Literally everything you've disagreed or even agreed with her about, she's made it a point that she's right and you're wrong. You weren't aware facts could be wrong, but alrighty, you'll just go with what she said, because it doesn't matter like everything else you've said tonight.