How Do I Make Him/Her Love Me?

All over this site you will find the cry of the heartbroken: How do I make him or her like me/love me/want to be with me? There is one simple truth to this question.

You can't.

There is nothing you can do that will make something appear where there is nothing. Take it from my considerable experience wearing the shoes you are wearing right now; you simply can not "make" someone like you.

If there is some feeling to start with, you *might* be able to fan a spark into a flame. Chances are, though, if you have to ask this question it is because you are floating on a river of heartache without an oar. Or a boat. Or a life jacket.

When your friend locks you firmly in the friend zone, the odds of you ever breaking out of there are slim. He or she has simply decided to pass on you as a potential partner. Is it fair? Think of a friend that YOU have that you wouldn't consider dating for whatever reason. How you feel about THAT friend is, unfortunately, how your friend in question feels about you. The odds of ever changing that are astronomical. Maybe it is time to stop wasting effort and move on to someone who can give you what you need.

Your ex is an ex for a reason. That ship has sailed, and most likely will not return to that port. You may both have mutual moments of missing each other, but you cannot make him or her love you again. Even if you reunite, reality will most likely (not always, but most likely) kick in again and you will see him as he was when you dumped him, you will remember the things she did that made you dump her and blammo, you are single yet again only feeling even dumber for going back to start with.

If someone is already in a relationship, you are causing your own heartache by getting involved no matter what lies the person tells you. S/he isn't leaving any one for you. Period. S/he will play the game as long as you allow it, then will return to his or her partner and leave you to clean up the pieces of your own shattered heart. Best believe they will be too long gone to stay and help you with that.

You can't make someone return your calls or want to go out with you if the desire has faded or was never there to begin with. You just can't, and no amount of wishful thinking or finagling will change this.

You cannot change a person's heart. You cannot change what a person IS in their heart. If they are a player, you cannot change it. If they do not find you attractive for whatever reason, you cannot change that, either. If they do not consider you dating material, they most likely never will and you cannot change that fact.

Now what?

*Refocus all your time and energy into something else, ANYTHING else except him or her.

*Do not be what I call a Pester Texter. If you are texting or calling him or her and receiving no response, stop causing your own heart ache and delete him or her from all contacts. Just STOP it; no amount of texting will change his mind. She didn't forget you because she hasn't heard from you in an hour and a half. They are telling you what they feel without words; trust it.

*Consider other options. The world did not begin because this guy or girl was in it, and it will not end because they are no longer in it.

*Pride yourself on your strength. Ultimately, the only reason this situation hurts you is that you are giving the person or situation the power to hurt you. Take that power back. Make a conscious decision, "This situation is finished. I am moving on." With each passing day, take pride in your strength.

*Keep a diary. Seriously, writing down everything is a great way for your mind to resolve unfinished business. As days go on you will find yourself writing less and less, meaning you are truly recovering from the heartache.

*Picture yourself with the next one. Doesn't matter who, just picture a day when you will be in a relationship you deserve with someone who returns your love. Now you have a target, aim for it every day.

Unrequited love is truly painful, but how we deal with it is a testiment to our strength. We can choose to move on, walk away and not let the situation hurt us any more.

Or we can choose to wallow in things that we cannot change despite our best wishes.

Knowing that I cannot make him love me, I choose the first option. How about you?

And that is my take.


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What Guys Said 6

  • This is good

  • And a good take it is, I'll agree well said, I couldn't have said it any better myself.

  • I agree that many people have wishful thinking on here and try to make someone love them. Great advice on how to move on from this type of thinking. Very helpful tips.

    I wouldn't say the odds of getting out the friend zone is astronomical. There are a lot of cases where that one friend who hung around for a long time gets a chance and the girl/guy stops and says "Hey. You have been with me through good times and bad times. I didn't realize until now that you are the one I'm in love with."

    As far as your statement about reuniting I feel like that happens with every relationship. In every relationship there will be something you don't like about the other person. The key is can you work through it? Even if you dumped the person it doesn't mean you can't eventually work through it. That's why I believe in reunion. Though I agree that that part can be tough to do. However, a long time friend getting a shot is more common than people think.

    I also disagree with the cheating part. As the saying goes If someone is cheating on their partner I'd be quicker to believe that they love that person they are cheating with more, because they are willing to cheat to get with them. Of course this isn't true for some cases, but if you think about it it kind of does make sense. Usually cheating in exclusive relationships don't end well, so to say that they'll go back to their partner to me isn't always true.

    • Excellent and well taken points.

    • Show All
    • @molan *I'm not just talking about any person in the friend zone.

    • @molan *long time friend

  • you can't make them love you it just happens

  • unfortunately you are right on the mark

  • Gotta respect brute honesty! Very well written


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