Ladies: Would you date a guy with Asperger Syndrome?

Just wondering if all you women here would be able to date a guy with asperger syndrome. I have it, and it's a mild form of autism for those of you who don't know.

I ask this because many AS traits would appear to be turn offs for girls. For example, girls want guys with great social skills who are great at approaching them, something most guys with AS lack, as we are quite socially awkward.

Relationships are especially hard with AS males since they have to initiate contact and do the asking, Women giving cues and signs that they like us doesn't work due to our inability to read body language, So if you’re a girl and like a guy with AS, you may have to do some of the initiating. I have only asked out a tiny fraction of the girls I’ve liked cause asking out girls is when my social skills are at their worst. Fortunately I met this girl who did initiate contact with me and even told me she wants to make it official between us. We’re not official yet (somewhere between friendship and relationship), but things have gone nice and slow. And she knew I had AS before she initiated contact.

So for all you women out there, would you be willing to date a man with asperger syndrome? Or is it too much of a turn off? No sugar coated answers, be real with me.

Updates:
I dated this girl for 2 weeks until she dumped me.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • my last boyfriend had AS and I have to say that dating him really made me re-evaluate what is important in a boyfriend. his personality traits that stemmed from AS made him the most amazing boyfriend in the world in some ways because he did not know how to handle or express his emotions, so he was honest and raw. I don't think I could ever go back to dating a guy who didn't have those traits now because it cut down on so much misunderstandings and drama. a big part of it was because I learned to accept that the only way he could communicate was with his words and not with his body language or through subtlety. I couldn't predict anything he was going to do so I stopped trying to and just let whatever was going to happen, happen. in a lot of ways he was the most amazing guy a girl could ever ask for and it was ALL because of the personality traits that are common with guys who have AS.

    there was a down side to it too though and that was that he had problems with intimacy. even things as simple as kissing and cuddling were strange to him because it seemed like they just weren't natural acts for him to do. everything that involved intimacy on his part was forced and, as a result, awkward.

    in the end I decided that we should just be friends because his issues prevented us from being able to do the kinds of things together that people who are in love typically do. but if it makes any sense, I would rather have a friend like him than a boyfriend who wasn't. and in a way he kinda ruined me for future men because I don't think I could ever be with a guy who didn't have that kind of raw honesty. the way he was totally up front about whatever was going on his head at any given time because he had no other way of expressing it really made him amazing in my eyes. and I think I need that now.

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    • Thanks for the answer. So basically you only want to date guys like this because they don't play games?

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    • You know, you might not have given him time to get used to those things.

      It was an unnatural action to him but anyone can adapt and ease into being comfortable with things. In a way you basically said you left him because he couldn't give you the sex you wanted...

      i could be seeing it the wrong way though and I'm sorry if I am.

    • i must say, as a person with AS, I found your comment to be great for my self-esteem, I thought that no woman would ever like me because of my AS but your answer has really opened my eyes a lot.

      also, people with AS are terrivle with romantic situations, but start off with simple things, one part of AS is difficulty looking into someone's eyes.

      have him look just to the left of your eyes or to look at the brigde of your nose.

      this is a good starting point.

      and many more

What Girls Said 49

  • I do not think it is necessarily a turn off, just an added obstacle. I think the best thing to do is let girls know what you have and explain it to them soon after you meet, because most girls would just assume that you are not interested if you are not responding to their advances/flirtation. I think if a guy came up to me and explained his situation and said he was interested in me, then I would consider it and give him at least a chance to take me on a date before deciding. Like they say, you never know until you try!

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  • Honestly, you having AS would be a make or break with dating you. It has to do with the special person that you are. I have a friend who has tourette syndrome. I think he is nothing like I have ever met before. I is so charming and strong. He told me and trusted me with the fact that he has it. He doesn't flaunt it because it shows without him saying. I believe he is a great candidate for a date because people have so much to learn from him. I hope this helped and inspired you that just because you are a little different each and every person has a special trait that they can share with their significant other can will be completely and utterly acceptable. Have a great day and keep your head up. :)

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  • Depends how severe your AS is.. if you're a nice person (and you seem to be) then I wouldn't see why it would be a problem. The only problem is that with your blunt honesty, unfortunately a lot of people love it when others lie to them. God knows why but it's just how people are. Everyone loves to think they're better than they are I guess and the truth hurts sometimes.

    I reckon it is possible though if you are willing and she is willing too. I know someone with AS and it's not just his honesty that makes him annoying, he is just a bit of an ass about stuff for the sake of it. I guess the problem you might have could be intimacy once you may start dating, but I'm sure if she is the right person for you then you can work past it.

    Bottom line is : I think AS is so diverse that you shouldn't let it hold you back from what you want, because it's not something that we know a lot about anyway. There are all different variations of it so I have heard and sometimes if you have a certain mindset about things then you can end up letting it affect how you behave anyway. If you are possible to want a relationship then try and allow yourself to. Live with no limits and the limits should stay limited I guess :=]

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    • Thanks for the answer. FOr the guy you knew with AS, how did his honesty make him annoying?

    • It didn't really, was kind of funny. But he seemed quite ignorant about a lot of stuff, such as art and culture, but that could have been because he is a bit of an ass like I said lol.

  • I don't see it as a 'turn off' per se, but I know the relationship could end up challenging at times. But I s'pose that's natural in relationships. Personally I'd want to know all about it so I could better understand the fella who has AS. 'Cause as it were, I know very little about it (besides watching the movie "Adam"--great movie, highly recommend it). If I were to accomplish that, dating a man with AS would be just fine.

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  • i think I tend to like guys with Aspergers. I have many friends with Aspergers- I have noticed I get along with them very well. I have the ability perceive nuance, and I can enjoy it w itin certain situations, internally- but when dealing with other people, I'm very literal and I like to think things thr you logically, and clearly defined. I find people with Aspergers t end to be direct and t hey don't play games, and generally are very earnest because hey may not 'feel like they are relating' but put effort into things lots of people take for granted. and t hen are too full of themselves to do well anyways.

    I am definitely not attracted, or into all the extraneous bullsh*t that accompanies a lot of guys attitudes when trying to 'lure' women. I also I have no problem approaching people, and I like the freedom to do so, without dealing with a guy who can't outside of w/e rules he has learnt about who is supposed to do what.

    Also, reading body language doesn't account for much, be cause everyone covers that sh*t up. And a lot of what the say things mean people don't exhibit in the 'proper context'.

    Do you actually know you can't relate to people 'normally'-- or are you just worried you cant?

    like what happens when you are talking to someone.. at w hat point do you become confused as to what's going on?

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    • To answer your questions, social interaction can be stressful for me. The natural flow of a conversation doesn't come naturally for me. As a result I've made many social blunders. And yes, I do actually know that I can't relate to people normally.

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    • In terms of blunders it's saying the wrong things and the wrong times.

    • oh can you give me an example?

      I know a guy who does that - he usually feels bad after.

      I meant do MEAN what you said and just wish you hadn't said it?

      Or do you accidentally say things you DONT mean?

      im honest so I say what I mean- as long as I know I'm not trying to be mean, and I'm saying it without trying to insult anyone --its just what I think. I like people being honest with me, so that's how I am.

      If you're being honest-why is it a blunder? Don't you think it's lying otherwise?

  • My boyfriend of 4 years has AS and personally I don't see any difference in him. I don't exactly fully understand the illness or anything, I've tried, he doesn't talk about it but its also never come up. I wish I could understand but I don't think it bothers him at all. When he first found out he had it we were on a break from the relationship and well we didn't talk at all for about 4 months but from some of the stories he told me, he seems to cope with it amazingly now and when he has been brought up he says I help him more than anything.

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    • maybe there are different levels of asperger syndrome

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    • there are different levels of it.

      it can range from having slight trouble looking into your eyes to being confined to a mental institute.

      but 90% of AS sufferers are OK, about *% have no interest in human interaction at all.

      and that last 2%.. well... lets just say that you would'nt like them

    • either way, I say you should make the judgments before you really know them. Like not dating them just because they have AS.

  • The amount of insight that you have on your personality and traits affected by AS is incredible. I have 2 friends that have asked me out that had AS and turned them both down, although there were good reasons for each. One of these people was my best friend's brother and the other was 3 years younger than me (in 6th grade when I was in 9th) and always had a foul odor. So basically what I am trying to say is the AS itself doesn't make me reject guys, but sometimes in my experience people with AS don't know who to go after all the time.

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  • I would, considering I am engaged to a man who has it! I like someone for the individual they are so it really depends on the person. good luck with your lady friend!

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  • Yes of course. I don't descriminate against age, race, gender, disorders, nothing. I look at the person on the inside. Hey, I have social phobia and I wouldn't want a guy to not date me because of it. I have a guy with AS in my gym class, I asked him why he seemed so awkward and he said he had asbergers.

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  • Come girls just grow some boobs. Some people have learning problem its hard for us to date. I would in heart beat. I connected with a guy that has a learning problem. Its not a turn off just give them a try. Its would be hard for us take care ourselves. Just judge the person with problems just live with it. Just ask your parents if they dated someone like this. Think twice before you dump that person. Just be a sweet person as your are. Don't judge a book by the cover.

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  • I would... It doesn't matter whether he has AS or not. (My brother has aspergers) It is about who they are as a person. All the traits from AS is what makes you who you are change them and you become a completely different person. Which I think would be rubbish. You have to look at it that its a gift not a curse, people with AS are unique and should not feel embarassed or ashamed. In my opinion anyway...

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  • I don't do the asking out because I'm shy. I've had some luck with match.com. There you can be upfront about being shy or having AS. I do find relationships difficult once I'm in them too, but try to be upfront about the communication issues I have. It's been suggested I might have AS, but I haven't been formally diagnosed. Good luck. To answer your question, yes, I would date someone with AS.

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  • I would date an aspie however I happen to be an one myself so this is interesting.

    The guy I like has aspergers as well and he's the easiest guy to talk to we just click and it's very rare for two aspies to find each other when everyone else in the world is an NT.

    He's in a non-serious relationship right now and has been hurt in the past many people don't understand him, we have a strange bond everyone around us can tell there's something up.

    He's funny, a goofball, always tries to make me laugh, just a really cool guy and I hope something can happen between us I've never met a person or guy in general who just gets me and has such a wonderful vibe around him.

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  • i think you just should let them experience you without telling them,...if you tell them immediately you'll just scare them away. just let them see if they can handle you, if anything is a major problem and you know its because of your asberger syndrome, its probably a good time to tell them and tell them you were nervous about telling them.

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  • I am in enourmous like with a guy with AS! He's beautifu and charming, and when he hugs me, he holds me until I make him let go.

    Here is MY problem... He hasn't told me he has AS, and I'm actually not sure if it's AS or Autism, but a week ago I asked him to hang out over the weekend and he tol me I was nit his type. Was he just affraid that I wanted to move too quickly, or am I really not his type?

    Also, since then I told him that I was not trying to sleep wuth him, and since then things have gone bavk to OUR normal. Talking every moment we're in the same building and holding me until I make him let go. What should I do?!?!

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  • Yes, I would. For me it's not a turn-off. Individuals with AS are extremely smart. That's a plus in my book.

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  • I WOULD date someone with AS, I think guys who are a little awkward are sweet.

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  • I did or am dating a guy with Aspergers (we had a fight and I think it may be over since he blocked me on fb and won't talk to me) and he was more caring to me then any other guy i have dated. We had met on Facebook, and had talked for a month before our first meeting. August 12th was our first meeting, and he held me in his arms and held me tight. It was the happiest I've ever been. Would I date another guy with aspergers? Honestly I don't know, I'm hoping that this guy and I are okay because I don't want to be with anyone else.

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    • actually update. Found out he had a girlfriend while he was talking to me. they have been together for 2 months, i tried helping her but she just got angry at me and insulted me. I don't think I will date another guy with aspergers because this just affected me badly i spent hours helping him and explaining what i was feeling which was a waste of time because he was lying to me. Now i'm not saying if you have aspergers you cheat, i've been lied to by almost every guy before. Just exaushted right now.

  • I would date somebody who has as. I don't think its right to judge people for any disability. I don't look at all people the same I would be with my friend right now he is in a wheel chair but so far away. The sad truth is people can't look past things. I would also do anything I could for someone as well. I'm sure your a great person that's all that matters. ;)

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  • Well I REALLY don't know, it would be a HUGE challenge for me, not because I'm needy of attention but sometimes I'm pretty insecure when it comes to relationships, I know that would be almost impossible for an Aspie show me his feelings but its one of the things that I like most, being loved and knowing that, I'm not a "reason/logical" person I'm a totally emotional.

    I personally think that you're a lucky guy and this girl is a diamond!

    Good luck

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    • I mean it... (that she is a diamond) even if I think that she dumped you because your behavior (because that's why we dump all the other guys) She just can't deal with this, but she at least tried...

  • I have a friend who has this...I wasn't even aware he had it until someone told me, and I'd already known him for close to a year...I don't treat him any different because of it

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  • To be honet I WILL! I think that it would be awesome! off course it depends on the person itself not on the syndrime they have! So if it is a nice guy , why not date him? :D

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  • I have dated two guys with AS and it only ended because either they moved or I did and during the time we dated I became a better person because they made me realize the small things in life and how you have to find happiness in everything. I would have to say that if I had never dated them I honestly wouldn't be the person I am today.

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  • AS wouldn't determine whether or not I'd date the person,but it would depend on how severe it is.I think it's brave if someone with AS asks a person out:)

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  • I think I would the honesty would be refreshing. lol

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    • Thanks for the answer. People with AS don't really play those dumb dating games due to their inability to read body language and certain social cues.

    • You're welcome :)

    • that comment made no sense

  • My brother has AS and its pretty bad, he has to take pills for it. But you should tell the person you have it, and if she likes you enough she will be willing to sir pass that. But you will have to work hard to communicate. That takes time but its doable.

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  • I would!

    If I like him why not? Could be the guy of my life!

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  • Yes, Asperger Syndrome can be a real gift, and intellegence is a real turn on, I think it would be a bonus.

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  • im saying I wouldn't mind at all, because if I liked the guy for who he was, and not because of his inability to talk to people. I would definitely initate contact :)

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  • I absolutely would. It isn't a turn off at all.

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What Guys Said 9

  • Wow. This is a great question. My own son who is going on 14 is AS. He is really doing well to deal with it. His mother and I both suspect that we have some degree of it, but back in the 1980's, AS was not even heard of. Anyway, he struggled with friendships, society and especially girl interaction up to the sixth grade.

    This year, he is in seventh grade. He has had his best year yet. The school has really worked with us in trying to help him. He has at least 4 to 6 girls who are friends with him now. At least 2 to 3 of them are 'sweet' on him. I think he is rather clueless on the girls who are sweet on him, but I want him to just concentrate on treating them like young ladies and being their friends. He does have his moments of outbursts and getting very angry. However, they seem to get past it.

    I hope this continues into high school. I had a very unheathly relationship with women and was sexually active by the age of 15. I am on this board mainly for him. I want to learn as much about teens, what girls like in a young man, what kind of dating is acceptable.

    As a father of a AS child, I applaud you for your efforts in trying to understand it and how others approach it.

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  • I'll be monitoring this question as I have AS as well. I'm curious.

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  • we had a kid with a severe case of aspergers at my school.

    someone like him will only ever get an extremely kind person with a lot of patience.

    the way you understand your condition, and word your sentences shows me you are a smart guy, as most aspergers sufferers are.

    i think you can beat this and while it will may be a large effort you can turn it in to an almost non-existant problem.

    Girls aren't cold hearted bitches who run as soon as they hear syndrome.

    smart people usually have a keen sense of humor, that will take you very far.

    no matter what condition you have, you just need to keep the attraction going and you'll be fine.

    Flirt, joke, compliment (not too much, and never absolutely) and NEVER get too comfortable and think you can stop trying altogether when the relationship gets going.

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  • sounds like you have autism not asperger's, being in inept socailly is a characteristic of autism, people with aspergers are either normal or way above average socially (due to the type of intelligence being the exact opposite of autism). but at the same time are really awkward socially. I know what they are considered but they are totally.

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    • Incorrect, sorry. Aspergers is a higher functioning form of autism that shares many of the same traits including being socially inept.

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    • for me, I just don't know how to learn from my mistakes when I socialize, flirt, make the moves on girls, I don't know what it is that turned the girl off, creeped them out, bored them, overall, made her not interested in me, and I am always just being myself

    • if that's true somebody lied to you and you might want to learn at least basic physochology, women get creeped out easily

  • AS is more frequent than most people think.

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  • I hope so, because I have Asperger Syndrome too, just turned 23 and haven't officially dated yet, sad but oh well

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    • You will :)

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    • Eh... I know :) But trust me, It is worth the wait. It takes a very patient, understanding, non-judgemental girl to be with a guy with aspergers, Which unfortunatly are hard to find.

    • I feel that the older I get without having my first ever girlfriend, the harder it will be to get one, and I just don't know how, people say that practice makes perfect, but I don't know if I can get better since I have Asperger Syndrome, that my social skills are going to stay the same forever

  • My first boyfriend had Aspergers.

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  • RETards Shouldent be able to reproduce

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  • Although I am not diagnosed I fear that I may suffer from AS. I struggle with making eye contact and I always find I cannot read peoples' intentions, even when they are obvious according to others. I never know what the right thing to say is in a social situation. On the other hand, I find pursuing certain endeavours to be quite easy - I enjoy studying chemistry, which is what I am doing now at Oxford University, and I find that abstract ideas in Chemistry comes to me quite naturally, while social interaction is really difficult. I have never had a girlfriend and I don't know what to do with girls that I like - If I try to interact with them I'll probably say something really weird or stupid and frighten them away. If only courting girls was as easy as chemistry...

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