My boyfriend of 4 years lives with me. He's 38. Recently my 22 year old daughter came home to live. Previously she and my boyfriend hadn't had much contact. He's shy and quiet, so I was surprised how quickly he took to my daughter. They laugh and joke in ways he's never done with me. With me he's always been rather dour. He swears around her, yet he's always told me he didn't like swearing. They are both sexually suggestive...he once told her in my hearing that he was going to play with his "hose" when he went out to water the garden. They both laughed. When I told him after that I hadn't liked it, he told me he hadn't meant anything suggestive. Was that suggestive or is it just me? They talk like that all the time. She's a pretty girl and I catch him checking her out though he denies it. I've asked her not to dress scantily around the house but she still does. The other day her skirt had slipped and she was showing most of her behind. I had to ask her to cover up. She sunbaths topless when he's around and makes a weak show of covering up. My boyfriend is rather proud of his flat belly. And I've noticed recently that when he's talking to her, he will lift his top and stroke his belly for ages. Then leave his top pulled up and continue chatting with her with his belly on show. Why? The other day I noticed him staring intently at something in the bathroom. I took a peek after he left the room and he had been staring at a pair of my daughters panties she had left on top of her dirty laundry bin. It gave me a bad feeling because it was the same look he has on his face when he's zoned out staring at women. The following evening I placed a pair of panties in the top of the my daughters laundry bin and after he had showered, I went in the bathroom and checked the panties. He had moved them. I confronted him and asked why he was handling my daughters dirty underwear. At first he denied it. Then he said he had only handled them to tidy them up. I scoffed at him and said the panties had been fine the way they were, ie tucked in her bin with just a scrap of lace showing. He got defensive and said fine, if I was going to be ungrateful like that, he wouldn't help me to keep the house tidy anymore, I could do it all myself from now on. That got to me a bit because I don't get much help here from either of them anyway. I do just about everything. He's behaving very relaxed about my accusation and is carrying on as if I hadn't mentioned anything. I don't know whether to believe him or not about the panties but it has worried me. I've spoken to my daughter and asked her to keep her underwear tucked away. I just said id seen him staring at it and I thought it was odd of him. She's told me she thinks he's fine and not odd at all, I'm just paranoid. I'm not sure what to think. Am I being paranoid? She's still leaving her panties on top of her washing in plain view. I don't know what to think. Is it me? Am I missing something?
Most Helpful Girl
No I don't think you are missing anything at all and I think you know the answer to this situation its just a very hard step to take.
You don't talk much about the state of your relationship with this guy but I am guessing it's not great at the moment . I think you need to decide what YOU want out of this. If you really feel the relationship is worth saving then make a time ( maybe away from the house and certainly away from the chnace of your daughter interrupting) and talk to him - telling him everything you have said here. If his reaction is to brush it off or to refuse to discuss it then you need to decide how much you are willing to put up with and for how long.
Ultimately you need to decide what your boundaries are and then let him know in no uncertain terms what they are and the consequences of breaching them - he needs to know he cannot ride rough shod over your feelings without consequences. He needs to understand that this is not just any "hot chick" but your daughter and that there are a whole different set of rules around that relationship on top of your regular expectations of how he should behave with other women.
You also need to address your daughters behaviour. She is now an adult living in your home and she needs to understand that you expect a certain standard of behavior from her. Again define your boundaries and let her know the consequences of breaking them If she continues to dress and behave inappropriately she needs to know that she is in danger of not just damaging her relationship with you but also losing the roof over her head. She's not a kid and just like any other "roommate" it is reasonable for you to discuss the boundaries for living together ( that includes chores too - she lost the right to maid service when she hit adulthood)
Remember YOu have rights too - the right to feel comfortabel in your own home. The right to feel loved and respected by your partner and your daughter and the right to voice your opinion when you feel unhappy. If either of them won't chnage their behavior to accommodate your feelings then remember you have another right too - the right to ask them to leave.3