Before we begin, here's a supplementary piece from a female perspective on why women play 'hard to get'.
It seems that one of the many recurring questions on here revolves around this elusive and annoying concept of 'hard to get'. Questions like 'how do I play hard to get?' and 'do guys like it when girls play hard to get?' seem to pervade this site and the more I read, the more I realize that there is a big disconnect between what a lot of girls think playing hard to get is and what it really is all about in the minds of guys (at least in this guy's mind. I hope I can speak for other guys on this). So I'm going to ramble on about what girls think hard to get is, what it is in a guy's mind, and the do's and don't's to make it work reasonably well.
I guess one question I should ask in the beginning that needs to be addressed is "what exactly is supposed to be hard to get?" I mean, hard to get is such an ambiguous phrase that no one has actually defined what "it" is. So ladies, ask yourselves, what about you is supposed to be hard to get? A conversation with you? A date? A second date? A relationship? Sex? I think defining what you want to be "hard to get" is just as important as outlining how to go about it. I'm going to go out on a crazy wild limb and guess that most girls want a relationship firstly and sex secondly, but don't want to be used for sex, such that they need to keep the guy's interest (a valid assumption I hope). The following will be described with this scenario in mind. So buckle up and get out your buttplugs, because here we go.....
Witness this amazing Venn diagram I made in CorelDraw (ooooohhhhh, aaaahhhh)
See, girls appear to be so sensitive to appearing easy, whether that be too clingy, too slutty, too desperate for attention, whatever, that they swing the pendulum all the way to the other side and come off as disinterested. Both are big no-no's in the grand scheme of what you're trying to accomplish. So what do you do? How do you attack this apparent no-win situation? Well, as with just about everything in life, the answer lies somewhere in the middle, which is where hard to get resides.
In the mind of a guy, hard to get isn't about going after a girl who's not interested in us. There is no challenge to be won there. Girls seem to think that guys like a challenge, and we do to an extent. However, acting disinterested is not extending us a challenge. If a girl never texts/calls you first, cancels/reschedules dates, takes forever to respond, she might be thinking "let's see how much he's willing to do to try to get me" but all we hear is "I'm not interested in your stupid ass". Acting disinterested only tells us to not bother trying. The cockiest amongst us would probably take this as a challenge just to say that he succeeded where others didn't but all you'll be in his eyes is a conquest, nothing more. To the average Joe, disinterest will not work.
So now that we know what hard to get is not, what exactly is it?
Well, in its simplest form hard to get is really just a push-pull. Too much pulling and you'll appear too desperate. Too much pushing and you'll appear disinterested. So you need to push him away AND pull him in. Now you might be thinking, "isn't that like playing hot and cold?" Well, not exactly. Hot and cold is like yanking him in and then shoving him away. What you want is to gently pull him in and then gently push him away a bit. There should generally be more pulling than pushing. Now all of this is strictly figurative. Don't actually physically push him and pull him, because that would be weird. Think of it like dangling a carrot in front of a rabbit. You want the carrot close enough to the rabbit to get its attention and then slowly move it incrementally so you still have its attention. Move it too far and you've lost its attention. Don't move it at all and that rabbit will be nibbling on that sweet carrot until it gets bored and leaves.
Now you're probably asking yourself, "okay, so how do I push and pull him?" Good question! I'll outline some things that are push factors and pull factors (there are more than what I list but I just don't know them all off by heart. I'm soo sorry!).
Pull factors:
- Act interested in his life
- Be excited to see him
- Initiate conversations, texts, calls, etc.
- Break the touch barrier
- Sexual tension
- Be flirtatious
Push factors:
- Take some time to get back to him
- Don't always initiate contact
- Don't always break the touch barrier at every opportunity
- Be a little aloof
"But aren't these contradicting each other? Didn't you just say not to do these push factors a few paragraphs up? Explain yourself." Yes and no. You have to do both of the push and pull factors moderately. Be the carrot. Pull us in with the pull factors and then inch yourself away with the push factors. Basically, be visibly interested in him but have your own life. Girls like this in guys and guys like this in girls. Notice in the pull factors I didn't list sex, just sexual tension. I'll get to that later.
Now for some do's and don't's!
- DO: do text him first (not always but at least more than once in a blue moon). It lets him know you were thinking of him and that he's not annoying you when he texts you first. This is a common fear that girls have about texting first ("omg, I just don't want to annoy him and be clingy and desperate). Girls, calm down. You can text us first. We like it.
- DON'T: blow up his phone. Just please don't.
- DO: ask him about his life, show interest in him. We like this.
- DON'T: stalk him, break into his phone, facebook, computer. This is bad.
- DO: want to spend time with him. Don't expect him to make all the plans himself. Take some initiative and suggest some things instead of making us do everything.
- DON'T: want to spend all of your time with him. We want you to have your own life. Dependency issues are a big issue and can be quite suffocating for guys used to time for themselves.
- DO: smile when you're around him and looking at him.
- DON'T: have a resting bitch face (I know, easier said than done)
- DO: be caring and affectionate
- DON'T: be a bitch. Nothing gets our dicks softer and our minds out the door than a girl with a bitchy, hoity toity attitude.
- DO: flirt and ramp up the sexual tension.
- DON'T: sleep with him as a means of keeping him around. It will backfire and you'll wind up hurt in the end.
This second last bullet point brings me to a very important but often overlooked piece of the flirting puzzle: Sexual Tension! What is sexual tension? You know those butterfly feelings you get in your lower abdomen when you're really aroused? Ya, that's sexual tension. It is the ultimate pull factor for us guys. It can be manifest as visual sex appeal (i.e. looking hot) and/or an overtly flirtatious attitude. Let's be clear here for a second though, sexual tension is not sex. It is what builds up to it. It is the slow burn that eventually erupts into a roaring blaze. You can Google sexual tension to learn how to raise it but some pointers are:
- Overtly flirtatious banter. Yes, you'll have to drop some sexual references and innuendos. And if he makes some of his own, don't shame him. That only discourages us guys and your attractiveness goes down
- Smile coyly at him
- Bring attention to your assets
- Sensually break the touch barrier. Rub your foot against his leg, touch him lightly on the arm or shoulder, etc.
- Make sexually suggestive comments and show that you aren't turned off by his comments
- Tease him
- Explicitly break the touch barrier by hugging him and letting your hands linger when you pull away while looking at him
- Eye contact: hold it a little longer than what's comfortable but don't smile much
Guys - if she's doing this stuff, help her out and raise the tension some more. You can even make a game out of it to see who will crack first.
I should also mention that you should probably only raise the sexual tension if you want to have sex with the guy at some point down the line. It's the anticipation of sex that ultimately raises the sexual tension in both of your minds and that gets him chasing after you. If you don't see yourself having sex with him at any point in the future (near or distant) then don't mess with sexual tension because you'll just come across as a tease and will be wasting both of your times (and why would you be wanting a relationship with someone who you don't plan on having sex with?).
All this being said, ramping up sexual tension does have its draw backs in that it will attract those looking only for sex. You can avoid this by having sex only within the confines of a relationship. This doesn't make you a tease. You're just leaving the ball in his court and he makes his decision from there. None of what I say, however, will protect you from guys who are just in it to hit it, and will fake their way into a relationship just to slam some ass.
I guess if I were to sum up the important points, I'd say:
- Figure out what 'hard to get' means to you.
- Don't act disinterested but don't act clingy. Find a healthy balance between the two.
- Remember to pull him in with your sparkling personality and overall attractiveness, but push him away by recognizing that you have your own life and you're not dependent on him. You may want him, but you won't die if he's not by your side all of the time.
- Sexual tension. It takes a certain amount of confidence or a special personality to pull it off, but can be a huge difference maker.
Confidence is key in all of this. I think the clinginess and disinterest comes from insecurity so you have to be confident. It's attractive. A confident, sexual woman who knows her worth and how to work what she has is a big plus in terms of attractiveness.
Alright, I'm fresh out of ideas. I hope that mess of text was helpful and made some sense. Here's a beaver picture.
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