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Nice Guys vs Bad Boys – Top 9 Reasons “Being Nice” Won’t Get You the Girl

Reason 9:
When you’re busy asking her, “Should I pick you up? Where should we go? What should we eat? ” she’s busy thinking, “I don’t care either! Why can’t you just be a man and make a decision for us?

The Lesson: Stop trying to handle her with kitten gloves, stop following her around like a lost puppy dog, and learn to LEAD your dates. Learn to make decisions, learn to surprise her, and finally stop asking for her permission and approval. Most women are very happy to be lead on each date like it’s an adventure – instead of being asked to drive the bus.

Reason 8:
When she says, “This is complete bullshit! You knew how important this was for me, it’s my god damn birthday! Why didn’t you make the reservations, you fucking idiot!? Are you just fucking lazy, or are you really that fucking stupid!?” you’ll say, “Oh baby, I’m sorry! I really do care, it just slipped my mind.. oh man, I promise I really WILL make it up to you.. oh man, I’m so stupid.” instead of, “Hey, the last thing that’s okay for you is to talk to me like that. When you calm down and can act like an adult we can go and celebrate like you deserve. Until then I’m out of here.”

The Lesson: Have boundaries and enforce them. No woman can be attracted to a guy she doesn’t respect. If you let her walk all over you simply because you’re desperate for her to like you, the you’ve already lost her. Being nice won’t buy her respect, but standing up for yourself will.
"Learn about attraction, & you’ll discover that there are many subtle ways you can turn her on, but being SUPER NICE isn’t one of them."

Reason 7:
When you’re saying, “Wow, you’re just so beautiful. Sure I’d love to give you hand. What time do you need me and my buddies at your place to help you move? Can I pay for it?” she’s thinking, “Wow, this guy is super nice. He’s going to make a really good friend.”

The Lesson: You can’t simply “super-size” how nice you are and expect she’s going to suddenly choose to become attracted to you. Attraction isn’t about how nice you are, it’s about how attractive you are. Learn about attraction (unconscious emotional response) and you’ll discover that there are many subtle ways you can turn her on, but being SUPER NICE isn’t one of them.

Reason 6:
Instead of taking your female friend out (who you’ve secretly had a crush on for years), to have fun, drinks, and a possible bedroom adventure, you’ve decided that “taking action” is too risky, and have chosen the “logic” of a hand written love letter explaining all of the deep desires you have for her, and how you plan on ultimately sweeping her off her feet. Instead you creep her out because she thinks you’ve been lying to her all this time.

The Lesson: Love letters and other over-the-top romantic gestures have way more power when she’s already attracted to you and you’re well into a relationship – not BEFORE you have a relationship. This is just creepy. Taking action, and leading her on a fun dating adventure with you is WAY MORE POWERFUL than using words. You can’t logically convince a woman to become attracted to you, but you can influence her body’s emotions while with you. Bring her mystery, adventure, and fun and she’ll start to FEEL things..

Be a MAN and take ACTION!

Reason 5:
In your desperate attempt to connect with her you dump all of your deep emotional stories and drama on her lap, but instead you’ve just scared her away. She’s not your mother. She doesn’t want to know you’re vulnerabilities until she’s earned her way into your life.

The Lesson: “Bad Boys” keep their core insecurities and emotions all bottled up and hidden, and this can be very intriguing to a woman who thinks they can get into his soft goey centre. He becomes like a puzzle she needs to solve. To be attractive you should find the middle ground between being open and honest while keeping your deep emotional upsets hidden until long into your relationship. Allow her in, but do it slowly over time – not within the first 10 dates.

Reason 4:
You keep showering the hot waitress with compliments
and attention hoping that it will finally buy her affection when her real interest is in the bad boy at the bar who barely notices her.

The Lesson: Putting a girl on a pedestal while showering her with gifts and praise is nice – and most women love this – but she simply can’t feel attraction for you from up there. If she can’t respect you (and how could she from way up there) then she can’t feel attraction for you. The typical “bad ass” doesn’t waste time trying to raise a woman up: he spends time taking her down a few notches. Instead you need to find a middle ground where you can be playful and tease her like she’s nobody special, while never being condesending, rude, or insecure.
Being “nice” isn’t a way to barter for her attention. You can’t trade your approval for hers – it doesn’t work that way. Instead you need to see her as equal to you, if not slightly less. Force her to work her way into your good books and she’ll thank you for it.

Reason 3:
You ruin the most perfect of date by ending it with a hug and by saying, “So, am I your type? I really had a great time! Can I please see you again?” which sub-communicates to her that you’re too insecure to risk kissing her, that you need her approval to feel good about yourself. The “bad boy” doesn’t seek her approval which ultimately fascinates her.
Gogus olculeri

The Lesson: Any action that you take that communicates “I need your approval” will kill her attraction. She wants to feel that you can handle yourself in any given situation, even if things are going bad (that includes having a date with her where she’s not happy with you) so asking her anything like “how am I doing” will scream to her the success of this date is completely in her hands. The “bad boy” doesn’t worry about whether she had fun or not: he is only concerned with his own fun.

It’s better to just kiss her, if you feel like it, and deal with the consequences. It’s better to leave her wondering if you enjoyed the date and will call her again, because it puts you in her thoughts. You might want to know what she’s thinking about you, but never ask.

Reason 2:
When you meet a really attractive woman you become unduly obsessed with her, convincing yourself that she’s “the one” when you don’t even know her yet. This intense focus of attention will only make her realize that you’re superficial (you don’t even know the real her yet) and that you’re really creepy.

The “bad boy” allows her to convince him of her worth, thereby helping her to feel she’s “earned” his attention and affection, and she will ultimately find him more rewarding to be around.

The Lesson: We don’t value anything that’s free. If you give her all of yourself just because she’s pretty, then what does that say about your value? It tells her you’re superficial, that you’re not worth much, and that any next hot girl will gain your attention just as easily. If, instead, you assumed high value, and really took your time getting to know her before you start showing her your deep affection then she’ll FEEL that and she’ll appreciate you WAY MORE. Make her earn your high opinion of her.

Reason 1:
Ultimately you’re “acting nice” around any beautiful woman simply because you’re trying to manipulate them. You likely don’t even realize it. Instead of saying what you really think, you’re editing yourself because you’re worried about offending her, turning her off, or losing her interest. By allowing her to walk all over you, take your time, money, and energy, you’re expecting her to return the favor by through her attention and affection. You’re asking her to exchange your approval and energy for her approval and energy.
"Women are more likely to trust a pervert who’s honest about it, than a “nice guy” who’s only pretending to be nice."
You think that you can trick her into liking you by pretending to be that Romantic Hero who treats his woman like a fairytale princess – except you demand her attention, affection, sex and love in return for your payments.

This is called manipulation.

The Lesson: The “bad boy” doesn’t waste a woman’s time by being fake. He’s upfront about his thoughts and opinions, and ultimately comes across as authentic, even if he’s a little bit of a pig. Ultimately she’ll avoid the “jerk” because he’s selfish and self-centered. Women are more likely to trust a pervert who’s honest about it, than a “nice guy” who’s only pretending to be nice.

How do you know if you’re being nice or just being fake? Do you give a girl compliments because you want a “thank you”? Do you give a girl gifts and attention with the expectation that she’ll appreciate you more for it? When you expect anything in return for your “good deeps” then you’re trying to manipulate her through your actions. This isn’t authentic niceness. It’s fake and creepy.

Women don’t want “bad boys” even when they’re attracted to them – they want honest, sincere, fun guys who are nice BUT who also have backbones and who value themselves more then some random girl with nice tits.

Robby writes a blog about relationships at FullOfHateAndReadyToDate.com.

More Discussion On The Topic
Check out more discussion on one of the most popular subjects "Nice Guys vs Bad Boys?".

What Girls Said 30

  • This is a good article, but I think the title is kind of misleading; its more of something along the lines of respecting yourself vs being a pus*y

  • I want a man who is nice yet he can take charge when need be.Most of the females that commented aren't even over 25 except for me who happens to be 34 and want a genuine, honest,loyal, and just plain kind man. They base everything on looks at that age and don't care how guys treat them because the guy is hot. Let me say some of them not all of them.

  • This is prefect ! I think you should send this to all guys in our country , maybe after that I'll finally get into a serious relationship ! xD

  • I think women value a guy who is in-between. We don't want a guy that acts so stand-offish that we can't tell if he's into us or not! Too much "bad-boy" is definitely a bad thing. We want nice guys with a backbone (like someone said above). A confident guy who is also genuinely nice is a great median to shoot for.

  • I agree 10000000000000000%. I've dated the 'nice' guy who was pretending. it ended, obviously.

  • I actually totally agreed with everything you wrote! Just remember that all girls like the nice guy to come out every so often!

  • I agree with all of them except for Reason 4, Reason 7, and Reason 9.

    Nobody, man or woman, wants to be treated like their "nothing special". We definitely like compliments. Forgetting shows how little you care.

  • Loved reading this!

  • Some of your reasons are.... good, but I disagree on many of your points. I am a bit of a controling person, I don't like to control other people, but I like to control myself and my life. if someone comes along for the ride then that's great, but it's my life and I'm in control of my life. I like to lead dates and I like to lead my life. he can lead his life, but he needs to let me do what I need.

  • You're the guy brother!

  • This is the dumbest article I've ever read. A few of the reasons are good, but most of this is bull. Not meant to offend, just my opinion.

  • The man you described, women want, is not a "bad boy". A bad boy is an egotistic a**hole. No girl ever wanted a bad boy. Merely a normal self respecting and an honest man. This is why I have to compliment this article, because among other things, it sends this message across.

  • Guess who's company I enjoyed more? I don't like a guy to treat me like crap, but to respect me enough to tell me what he really thinks and feels, instead of being an idealistic version of himself. He respects me enough to know that I'm a big girl and can handle the truth. If that's the definition of a jerk, then I guess I like jerks.

  • I completely agree with you bobair! I am sick of men who whine about being a nice guy and how they never get the girl (MANY misogynistic blogs are spun off of these guys constant rejection). These guys that mistake being "nice" with appearing to lack confidence, or not treating women like equals. I dated a "nice guy" and I found later that although he put me on a pedestal, he didn't respect my opinions as an equal. Later I dated a "jerk" who had a backbone but respected me as an equal.

  • This is actually a GREAT observation! I feel like you can see into women's minds ... the "nice guy" is rarely as genuinely nice as he pretends, it's more of an shell around his ego. He doesn't let women be themselves or even human!

  • "Ultimately you?re ?acting nice? around any beautiful woman simply because you?re trying to manipulate them. You likely don?t even realize it."

    Exactly! Trying to win over a woman with his supposed charm. I've seen and been through that and it's too good to be true. I think, "Something is off. Can't wait til I find out what it is!" It becomes a challenge in itself, and when I find out a character flaw that ironically he tried to cover up, it pushes me away.�

  • As a woman who's always been more attracted to bad boys (but, fortunately, with enough self-esteem to be careful) I have to say, spot on! This is the best explanation of bad boys vs. nice guys I have ever read. Your insight is amazing!

  • This article is an example of a push-over with a complete bitch as his Gf. Some stuff is true, but most of it is just plain stupid. Not to be rude or anything, I just disagree. You can be nice to a girl every once in awhile jesus.

  • Bravo! Although, I wouldn't say that all those characteristics mean he's a "nice" guy... I'd say he's just a big weenie who can't handle a relationship. Or has a domineering beezy of a gf. My boyfriend is very sensitive to my wants and needs, but is able to put his foot down when need be. I'm sure there are moments where I become a smidge controlling, or he needs to make a decision (like your comment on picking a place to eat- #10 SO TRUE!)

  • Maybe it's just me, but the idea of 'getting the girl' is so misconstreued. Bad boys don't often 'get the girl'... They get the sex, but not the girl. Big Diff between the two. Also, Bad boys have moments where they appear nicer that most 'nice guys', and it's usually after they're done pounding on them that they turn into romantic, sweet men. That's why women get fooled into believing that they are with a nice guy and stay with him for fear that they will be ridiculed for leaving. Continued...

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What Guys Said 100

  • So women do like being raped.

  • Good stuff, I wrote an article similar to this last week. It didn't get featured.

    At least the admins here aren't ban-hammering guys that speak the truth, unlike a lot of other mixed-gender advise sites I know.

  • I agree... and can't account from personal experience that every line of this is just about right on... granted you can by several books on relationsh*ts that say the exact same thing haha... but yeah.. good work...

  • Would a nice guy forget to make reservations? no, he wouldn't be found in that situation... Being super nice to her may not be a turn on but I'm not trying to shag her, since when was that the goal? ... Women don't like guys who open up to them? They want to date people not computers, sure mystery is good but that's overcooking it. Being nice is manipulative? you are suggesting that people be bad boys to get women to like them (manipulation) Its a 50/50 race, I get dates fine as a nice guy.

  • This says it all: "Women don’t want “bad boys” even when they’re attracted to them they want honest, sincere, fun guys who are nice BUT who also have backbones and who value themselves more then some random girl with nice t*ts."

    I don't think the writer should have given this article the 'good vs bad' title.

    Instead it's 'genuine vs fake', 'selfless vs selfish', 'validated vs validator', etc.

  • If I was to paint men with a huge brush I'd say this: the Bad Boy is a short-term strategy that helps build attraction but is no good for long term connection - that takes a Nice Guy who's honest, sincere, and willing to connect.

    This is my attempt to help those guys out there who've forgotten how to be assertive, masculine, empowered and Verile.

  • I'm glad you noticed. :) You can now read it in my comments above.

  • What happened to reason #8? lol

  • Thx Sunwolf, you bring a new point of view for me to consider. I'll clarify by saying that my suggestions are for masculine men and feminine women. Perhaps you're simply a masculine women seeking a feminine man? Also, these suggestions are for men who wish to be assertive and attractive to healthy confident women who aren't jaded or anchored by past baggage.

  • The Lesson: You need to understand this if you ever wish to "pull" your dream girl - her preferences don't matter. If women only dated pretty boys with money, most women would be single.

    It's not how you LOOK that matters, it's how you make her FEEL that matters. There's a huge difference between being GOOD LOOKING and LOOKING GOOD.

  • Ha! Nobody noticed till now. Too funny.

    Reason 8:

    You sit at home pouting that you're not rich enough, or thin enough, or pretty enough to meet and attract the type of women you really want. This prevents you from walking over to the women you meet, simply because you've already assumed you're not good enough. And while you're sitting there hating the "bad Boy" who's talking to her, he's thinking "she's cute, but is she worth my time?"

  • Where's number 8?

  • Atom makes a good point, some women have buried flaws that draws them to abusive men, and they get upset with nice guys because they hate seeing someone get walked all over (because we hate in others what we hate in ourselves.)

    My point, which may not have been illustrated well, is that many "nice guys" are really just insecure men trying to BUY her affection through gifts and compliments. Instead we men need to stop this bad behavior and accept that we're good enough to "get to know" already.

  • The "nice guy vs. jerks" debate is perhaps the most misunderstood concept in dating. Nearly everything written or spoken about the subject entirely misses the point.

    What is the point?

    The point is that women who prefer "jerks" are actually looking for men to abuse them.

    That's it.

    No mystery.

    These women are mildly abusive and/or masochistic and are looking for guys who'll play into their warped dysfunction.

  • You're exactly right Mannie. You're not being nice because you're trying to get some girl's approval, instead you're being nice with a backbone and with boundaries. I think women find that much more attractive.

  • Let me tell you this straight, you can be a nice guy and still in corporate, this little habits of setting your boundaries, and other stuffs, don't think for one bit, that nice guys finish last. I am very nice to women period. I don't let them walk all over me or have them talk to me like sh*t, I treat them with respect and when they wrong I call them out on it. I don't need to be tough or macho or bad boy to get my point across to them.

  • I WANT MORE! This was a really interesting read and I've learned quite a bit. Thanks for the good read man.

  • Lol...some women I've dated really do love a gent ans can't do with "arseholes"...other women (3 spring to mind here that I've known intimately love a bad boy... I was told also to act uninterested, that keeps that mystery thing going, that's crap also..! were all different .

  • Well ya any self respecting man would tell her to shut the hell up and not put up with her bullsh*t well that's what I do it works.

  • Getting the girl, and keeping the girl, are two different things. Perhaps I was misleading with my example - I was trying to illustrate a situation where your girl is freaking out over a mistake you've made (forgotten reservations) but she's she's crossing the "line" or "stepping over the boundaries you've set." by being too verbally abusive. Being an attractive man means calling her out on her bad behavior.

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