What should I do? This is not sitting well with me, kinda feel like sh*t. Please read.

[mts312]

My last girlfriend and I broke up two years ago. It's been difficult and it took a while to get/getting over her because I was very much in love with her. I felt a real connection. We were together for 8mths, and things just went bad the last 6wks of the relationship; lost my job of 4yrs company went out of business, found a new job but it was very stressful, from the stress of a job hunt my commuting for school and band having a girlfriend sort of caused me to lose touch with a lot of friends, she is/was addicted to oxycontin which probably explains her bipolar/weird behavior at times, she sometimes thought I was condescending to her (never ever had anyone say/feel that about me before)> all those things pretty much contributed to it ending. She broke up with me, but it was kinda ambiguous: a couple weeks went by and I called her because I missed her and still had feelings for her, she told me that she broke up with me because I was difficult to be around and it was not because she didn't love me, and she said she'd call me when she was ready to communicate again. Month or two would go by and I'd text or email her to say "hello", she appreciated the sentiment but she was annoyed at the same time. Last time we spoke was about 6 months after we broke up, we talked for a while, she still was not ready/wanting to be with me again. Got to the point where I just couldn't handle this pending or open-ended with no real answer. I asked her if she could just please tell me that she'd either get in touch with me at some time OR tell me she never wants to speak to /see me again, because I needed some real closure; she wouldn't/couldn't do either. Very saddened by this, I said goodbye, deleted her contact.

I've had no luck with women since. Been on a couple dates with 3 different women, but didn't go anywhere. A few women have shown interest in me, but for some reason part of my thought process for has been "this girl doesn't have a sense of humor, little or no similar interest, she's not as good looking as my ex... this isn't for me". I can't tell if it's just coincidence that I'm not attracted to these women OR if I'm comparing things to my past relationship/my ex which is what is preventing me from connecting, if that makes any sense. I kinda feel like a mega pathetic asshole douche and I don't know what to do. This hasn't been sitting well with me.

Also, one of my best friends is good friends with my ex and it's his birthday this weekend where he wants to celebrate with friends. I'm pretty sure that my ex will be there. She has a boyfriend now, whatever. I'm kinda hesitant to go because for a long time I've been doing anything I can to get over this and the sight of her could just bring up bad feelings/memories that I don't want to deal with now, don't want to bail on my friend because of her that'd be lame, might be weird might not, it'd be a true test for me that I may win or lose. I just don't know what to do about all this. Any help would be appreciated

[Tigerlily]

I kind of know what you mean... my last relationship, my now ex was very up and down about whether he wanted me or not. I made the mistake of chasing him down and I'll admit I was a bit pushy, but either way, he took me back and left me again so many times I eventually gave up chasing. So then he decided we should be friends and went on and on about how I should see other guys and it'd be great for me and all was good... until I had a date with another guy. Then he was happy for me that I was back on the dating scene. Meanwhile in my mind, I was comparing the two of them and I think a part of me, though used to be single by then, didn't want to be with someone who didn't measure up to my ex. Either way, he was happy for me and I knew really I couldn't be back with him, etc etc... so I figured I'd give the new guy 2 or 3 dates at least. I had a 2nd date with this guy and got to know him a little bit more, and at that point I started to really like him and I think that's when it truly set in that not only were there other people in the world, but other people I could enjoy myself with, and other people I could possibly fall in love with.

I know this is only my situation and not yours, but here's what worked for me:

1) being choosy about who I dated. Try online dating, that way you can screen all your potential interests before you even talk to them. Pick only the ones who you think are attractive or have similar interests to you and give them a go if they come above 50% interest level.

2) giving people more than one date - that way you don't just scratch the surface, you give them a chance to really make you feel comfortable and maybe rise above the 50% interest level.

3) deciding for myself that I wouldn't talk to my ex again. He wouldn't make up his mind over whether he wanted to be friends, friends with benefits, a casual couple, a serious couple or what. But his behaviour showed me that he didn't want to talk to me again or wasn't going to be nice to me if he did, so I told him myself that I wasn't going to talk to him again. It was hard, so I challenged myself to ignore him for 3 days. I deleted him from my Facebook, deleted his phone number and all his texts, anything I had of his went. And I gave myself a full schedule for the next 3 days. By the time it was over I realised I was doing just fine. I suggest you tell your ex this and do the same. It will give you the distance to see clearly.

4) telling out mutual friends of my decision. We're very closely linked which makes it hard. But I told them - I said they could do what they wanted but that I wasn't going to speak directly to my ex and I hoped they'd respect my decision. And they did. My ex didn't, that's a different story, but I stuck to my decision and my friends helped step in and take us in separate directions if they sensed I was becoming uncomfortable.

Maybe your situation is different, but I hope that helps.

[somegirl20]

It's very natural for you to compare the next girls to your ex, since she has set a very high standard, which obviously you hope to find again. After my last ex and I broke up, it took some time (1.5 years) and a lot of good guys who I just wasn't emotionally ready to date yet, before I actually convinced myself that he wasn't THE standard - he was just a great example of some of the good/bad qualities to look for/not to look for in the next guy.

On your next date(s), just go with how you feel. If you don't feel it with someone, you just don't. Chances are it's a combination of both non-attraction and simply knowing what you want now (ex, humor) that you're not getting from your date. Of course, like someone else said, you want to give the girl more than one chance, but at the same time, don't feel like you have to settle if you're not happy.

That same last ex and I have a lot of mutual friends also, and in situations where we were both invited someplace, I made the mistake of being too chicken to show up. He had a new girlfriend already and I was still uncomfortable around him. Not showing up only made it more awkward, and yeah, it felt like losing, especially since my connections with my friends weakened, all for the sake of avoiding him.

She shouldn't be able to "dictate" whether or not you celebrate with your friend, don't let this come between that. I think you should go. Exposure therapy ish. You don't have to talk to her if you don't want to, that can come later (if ever).

[kodocha77]

I had a guy recently do that to me. Please. I know it's hard, but move on with your life. If this girl really and truly wanted to talk to you and wanted to make things work with you, she would have a long time ago.

Don't go to the party if you don't want to. you're not being a bad person if you just don't' want to go. You have your reasons. You need to give no explanation to no one. It's best to stay far way from this girl because seeing her would only make you think, "i miss her" "i love her".

Don't date if you don't feel like it. When you do go out on dates with women, you are comparing them to your ex and not seeing these women for who they are. Please, if you try datng again, try seeing the great qualities in these other women. If you can't , stop going on dates. Ultimately you might end up rebounding a girl unintentionally and that feels awful.

Eventually a woman that you'll like will pop up unexpectedly. Seriously! I know it sounds cliche, but things like this do pop up even if we do not want a relationship and are totally turned off from them.

You sound like a good guy and I'd kill to have a guy like you!

[brettb]

Ok try to take this in. Everyone creates a checklist so to say of the qualities they want in a partner. So you evaluate subconcsciously to see if the other person meets the bare minmum requirements of ur cheecklist. And if they do, you ask them out and if they dont, better luck next time. Now you can give up some things on that checklist but you may also add to that checklist as you wish. When you meet a girl, she won't have every check on ur list, and if she did, great but highly unluckily. Right now, your cheklist if shadowing on what ur ex was/is. It is completely normal for people to do that as my list was shadowed by my ex. You have to realize and possibly write down all the features you want in a girl and try not to think of ur ex while doing that. It will be hard but then after you do that, see what ones you gave up when you wanted to date ur ex and see how easy it was for you to give them up. Then by doing that you will sort of begin to realize that any girl you meet, may not be all that you want but still could be the one ur looking for.

If you think you really can't see her, then dont. Just tell ur friend what's up and do his birthday on a different day between yall. Do what you think is best for you and don't let anyone convince you to do something ur not sure about.

[Professor_Zoom]

Why are you comparing these girls you went out with to your ex? I think you should want girls that are not like her. Sure, look for qualities that you like, but don't compare them to your ex.

Also, she didn't know what she wanted. After six months she couldn't give you a yes or no answer. Also, she broke up with you. She did it for a reason. She said it was difficult to be around you. Sorry, that is a bullsh*t excuse on her end.

Now it's two years later, you're still not over this chick, and she done got on with her life and has a new man. Chances are she is going to be at your friends b-day celebration and not even give a thought to you. You should do the same. Go and celebrate with your friend. Don't even think about her. You don't even have to talk to her. If she says hi, say hi back of just give her a head nod. You need to get over her though. Get on with your life and stop comparing other women to your ex. It's not fair to you and it's not fair to other women to be compared to a woman who didn't want you.

[lckylady]

Sounds like you have had it rough for the last 2 years. It is always hard to move on especially when you still have deep feelings for someone. As far as it not working out with other women I think that you may be holding your ex on a pedestal and that is a hard habit to break. Just remember by doing this you are keeping yourself from that special girl out there that will appreciate the kind of guy you are. If I were you I would sit down and figure out what qualities your ex had that made you love her so much as well as what qualities she was lacking. Take this information and go out and find yourself a girl that matches these qualities as closely as possible. Also, by going on one or two dates with someone you don't really get the chance to know them enough to make a decision on how many of these qualities they have. Sometimes girls are nervous on a date and have a hard time relaxing and just being themselves. Give each girl a fair chance to get to know you and vice versa then make your decision whether or not the girl is a good match for you. Hope this helps! Good Luck!

[Anonymous]

I recently had a guy do something similar to me as well. and as hard as it may be please just trust me and move on. You need to tell yourself that you deserve better than her, and that you would both be better off if you found someone else to make you happy. When you go out with those other girls, keep an open mind and don't compare then to your ex. She probably didn't want to give you a flat out answer to either getting in touch with you, or not wanting to talk because she still cares about you as a friend, but if you don't want to let the relationship thing go, she really probably finds it hard to talk to you. In my personal situation, the guy can't stand even the thought of me being with someone and I still want to be friends, but when he brings "us" up I don't even want to talk to him. I know that it's hard to consider, but ultimately if you care so much about her, don't you want her to be happy no matter what that means?

You really deserve a girl that truly and completely wants to be with you, so you should go out and find her. No expectations in mind. =] It would make you happy and I bet your ex would be happy for you as well. Who knows it might even make it easier for the two of you to talk.

If you aren't ready to date then don't force yourself. But if you are you should go have fun! And as far as the party goes, if you want to go for your friend then go, but if not just say you can't. He's your best friend, he'll understand.

good luck, and I really hope things work out for you!

[bennynthejets]

Quit with the poor me routine and the rain cloud over your head. Lighten up and forget about her -- she didn't sound that great to begin with. There are plenty of fish in the sea ...start looking but stop thinking they have to be the same or similar to your X...who again, didn't sound all that great to begin with. You sound like every guy in every movie that is about being broken up with and still hangin on and being pathetic. Go live a little. No need to try to get into a relationship, just do some random dating and hang out with some gals you get along with and be patient on the relationship thing. In fact, don't expect a relationship to happen, just let whatever will be will be...

[kcm_05]

1.) I say celebrate with your friend .

2.) Make a checklist of want you want in a partner and what you don't want and go by that.

3.) Exes are exes for a reason... if you coudln't make it througt he thick together why stick it out through the thin? My fiance and I have been together 2.5 years and it was very difficult from the begininng when we met I was pregnant ith someone elses baby who just happened to take off. Corey adopted my son braeden. at the same time we found out his mom had breast cancer his dad had a brain tumor I havea and 11 year old step daughter who is all kinds of hormonal and 1000 other problems but I know with all of it we can stick out any more bad that comes our way. because honestly we've made it this far

4.) you may remember her great sense of humor and may minimize her flaws but try to remember how much you DID not like those aspects of her when you were together. it helps puts things into perspective...

[xxsocalgrlxx]

ok first and foremost the reason why your dates are not working is because not only are you comparing the girls to your ex...your actually looking for someone who is exactly like your ex..and reality check-not going to happen! Better yet think of the areas your ex lacked IN and find chicks who have better qualities in the area (i.e. NOT ON DRUGS, WHO ARENT BI-POLAR, WHO HAVE COMMUNICATION SKILLS.)

and then you should definitely go to your friends party...seeing her with her new boyfriend is the first step of getting over her. (just make sure you don't go on a rampage/cry) let her see that its not effecting you. maybe then if what you want is to get her back, she may realize she wants that too.

hope it helps...goodluck

keep me posted ;)

[Anonymous]

It's natural to compare new interests with your ex but you must realize that the one thing these women are lacking could be replaced by the one thing that caused your relationship with your ex to fail. I believe you should stop asking your ex whether she wants to keep in touch and move on. For good.

If you are concerned about your best friend's party, invite one of the girls who have shown interest in you but let them know in a polite way that you'd feel more comfortable if she came along because your ex will be there with her new guy. That way, if the girl figures out later why you invited her she may feel used. But by telling her she knows you are honest and sensitive enough to let her make the decision to go to the party under those conditions or not.

[MrTinker]

Love hurts and worse so when you lose her/him. The best thing you can do is get to work and either go back to her or find another. The drug addiction sucks but if you love her stay with her forever and slowly cut the drug back.

If you don't strive for love and protect it, you'll be like me, a shell with no heart and soul left for another. Don't ever let her die, protect until you yourself are dead, no matter the pain.

[Reeses-pieces777]

I think after a relationship doesn't work out, we are less confident. happened to me for a while and I thought I wasn't at all attractive. you got to just work on yourself, move forward and try not thinking about your ex too much. maybe even limit the time you spend with her or think of her.

[wally]

I agree with Ickylady. about the birthday thing go there and if you did see her don't show any emotions just be friendly nothing more, or you can leave early from that party.

[Talisman]

A bit late of an answer but, go to the party, have a good time. If you should bear witness ot this ex of yours, just ignore her, let her initiate and conversation, chances are shell attempt to make you jealous. Realize this, laugh at her, treat her with disdain, don't acknowledge jack sh*t from her and enjoy yourself, shell see this and get p*ssed off. And you? You'll be loving every minute of it!

[neesia]

honestley I would stay away from her. comming from a girls point of view she seems like a bitch I'm sorry to tell you hun. but searisouly if she broke up with you she isn't into u. and don't go back out with ur ex if she is like that it wll just hurt you more than you wanna be hurt. that's honestly what I think I mean if you don't wanna listen to people who has had experince but with a guy just trust me on this

[killer8991]

go to your mates party if ur ex is there try to keep away now after the party send her flowers or chocholates and tell her you still love her & if she hates it forget about her by doing stuff you like if mates

[GeneNowok]

If she has a new boyfriend and, what's more important, if she has sex with him, you're a goner.

[Marrryyyyy]

just move on