I don't think girls like introverted guys like me?

I do things introverts do: I write and read. But, I also watch movies, listen to music, play sports, read about sports. And I can make people laugh. If I have a relationship, I'd want it to be long-term... I'm not a fling guy.

In the past, I wasn't very social; that's changed as now I feel confident when I talk to a girl, I'll initiate conversations now instead of waiting for people to talk to me. But the problem is, it seems to me that I'm not "exciting" to girls or any of that stuff because, you know, I don't go to bars, I don't party, or any of that stuff. I love doing thrill-seeking stuff, like roller coasters, and whitewater rafting, and rock climbing, but I don't party and all that. I'm a smart guy who's in med school at the age of 21.

But it just seems like girls aren't looking for someone like me. I've only made a serious attempt at a girlfriend once and it blew up (I've read up on a lot of this stuff, so I didn't make mistakes like being clingy and too nice and all that, but it still didn't work). In retrospect, she didn't seem to want a guy like me and now it seems like several girls don't.

I've tried "changing" myself. I've tried going to the bar, I've tried going to parties, being more extroverted, but in the end I'm uncomfortable and unhappy. So I went back to who I was. The thing is, I fear that I'm not appealing and that I'll be stuck alone. Any tips/comments?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • The problem with trying to be something that you're not is that it smacks of insincerity. It's forced and obvious and that makes women uncomfortable. I know it isn't your fault, but since they don't know your motivations - wanting to be more desirable - it comes off as fake.

    As an introverted woman, I understand how you feel - it's hard being surrounded by people who don't understand that underneath the shy demeanor is a person who wants to connect. People are drawn to what is familiar to them and if you're going after extroverted women, well, it isn't going to work if you are not naturally extroverted.

    In order to be more comfortable in this world, you need to be comfortable with yourself. You need to accept yourself the way you are - if you're truly an introvert, not shy, but introverted - learn to accept that. With self acceptance comes confidence - and with confidence comes social acceptance.

    You need to be true to yourself.

    There are a few websites out there that talk about introverted traits and how to navigate in an extroverted world with minimal damage. You should check them out.

    Good luck.

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    • I just want to clarify one thing. Don't think you can't pursue an extroverted woman - you just can't pursue her trying to be extroverted yourself. I don't want you to get the impression that extroverted women don't like introverted men. They really do.

    • Yeah, I tried getting an extroverted women and I tried being extroverted, a little. But the deal is, how can I pursue an extroverted woman by being introverted? It's like..... it feels like whatever I say or do would come off as boring to them. Maybe because I got told that to my face once. I don't know how to approach it.

What Girls Said 42

  • You definitely should not have to CHANGE yourself in order to get a girl -- because in the long run that will just blow up in your face.. Honestly, think about it.. You'd rather go and change things about yourself just so you can actually BE IN A RELATIONSHIP? Being in a relationship isn't about the the thought of "having" a significant other - it's about actually being in a relationship and spending your time with someone else who shares the same interests as you and/or if your personalities click.

    I can tell you first hand that I DON'T like guys who go out partying and to clubs all the time. Regardless of what many people say, looks DO matter. They matter a little more to others, but no one wants to be in a relationship with someone they are not physically attracted to even the slightest bit. It doesn't matter if you're an "introvert" or not - I can guarantee you that there are millions of "introverted" girls out there.. You can't go and change yourself so a relationship works out, nor should you be willing to do so. You gotta find yourself before you go and find someone else.

    More times than not, when you're actually LOOKING for a relationship you'll never find it.. But when you stop looking and start living - you will eventually find one. Make sure that you are fun to be around.. And if your little "tactics" that you're using right now to NOT be yourself need to be changed back to who you truly are inside. Pretending to be someone you're not is like lying to your significant other. With the way that you view relationships and obsess over them, girls may find that as a turn-off.. If they get the sense that the guy is trying too hard or trying to rush into things that could scare her off pretty quick. Just be yourself and let someone find you. You're never gonna find a relationship while you're looking right now because you don't even really know who you are. Focus on you and let the rest fall into place.

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  • Oh gosh, don't change at all! I love introverted guys, I love guys who are laid back, I am not so much interested in the party boy and center of attention. Oh, no need to read the relationship tips, just be confident, and be yourself entirely! Hahaha, you're totallly my type of guy! .< Oh goodness, medicine is a plus for me because we could study together wow, hahah you're like my ideal guy :P oh, and if you're shy, it's a plus! I wish you good luck :D

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  • actually I like introverted guys, it's better than guys I've dated. Better than guys who lie about who they really are or who take advantage of girls etc. all guys I've dated have been said by others to be in the jerk category unfortunately and that's what it's like sometimes.

    so being a smart guy and going to med school is a good thing. just maybe relax and just she'll come your way. I'm dating but it's not working out too well ha ha and I'm in university planning to go to med school.

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    • The problem is that I can't just wait around. It's easier for you as a girl, because you get approached, but when I just waited around, nothing ever happened. Stuff only happened when I pursued it/initiated....although that didn't end too well.

    • Oh, and another problem...this isn't your fault, but you proved my point: you say you like introverted guys, but they aren't the ones getting dates with you. It's the jerks, the outgoing guys who are. They end up not working, but they're still the ones getting dates, if you see what I mean, so odds are one of them will end up working.

  • First of all, I don't know what kind of girls you are hanging out with that you think 'interesting' to them is going to bars and parties. It seems you underestimate a lot of women, there are plenty of them out there who don't enjoy that. Go out and find them, obviously not in those places because they won't be there but frequent places where people like yourself go, join groups and go on activities and develop hobbies where you will meet like-minded people. Good for you for learning how to be more assertive, it's essential for success in any area of society. Don't generalize women and say they all want this or they all want that. They are all different and every one expects and likes different things. Instead of getting your advice from books, get it from real life experience. If you've only tried to have a girlfriend once, that would explain the lack of know-how. This is the kind of thing you have to go out into the world and develop on your own. It's statistics, the less women you attempt to connect with the more alone you'll be. The guy who takes that chance constantly will find what he is seeking faster because he gives himself more options. It seems like your biggest problem is judgment, towards yourself and towards girls. 'They are all like that', 'Several girls don't want me'. It appears you have a self-confidence/self-esteem problem, which would explain why you have failed to attract women more-so than any technique. Build confidence in yourself and then you won't have the same problems internally and in existing in the world and succeeding. Going to a bar or party isn't 'changing' yourself, it's changing your environment. Two totally different things. Instead of focusing on superficial pursuits, focus on developing and changing your inner life, not where you go. You are still you no matter where you go, so you better learn to like yourself and develop into the person you want to be. In that area, books can be of help to you, like self help books or motivational tapes. Develop hobbies, get good at things you like, find your niche. Don't go back to who you were, keep moving forward and develop into what you want. Why keep rehashing something if you know it isn't working for you? 'The only thing to fear is fear itself'. Your own fears of being alone and your perspective that you aren't interesting and appealing is your problem. Women aren't attracted to this mentality, neither are employers or any other number of people you will deal with in life. Take control of yourself now before it's too late so you don't keep missing valuable opportunities. Know your value and learn to accept yourself and the world will follow.

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  • Have you had any success in the months since you posted this? Just curious after reading some of the comments and tips people gave you.

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    • Thanks for checking up on me. No, I haven't. I've been better in the sense that I'm more comfortable with who I am and I've been better with talking to people, but there's been no real interest from girls. I'm in med school...the girls are either taken already or, well, I guess they don't think I'm exciting enough. I thought that'd change once I hit med school, but it hasn't. Despite what a lot of girls have answered no girl has seemed to think I'm their type of guy.

    • Show All
    • Well, I've been "seriously" writing for about 5 years now, you know where I actually start and finish something and re-write it and polish it up. I don't have anything published and I haven't tried to yet, but I'm getting better, that's my major goal. Basically books and short stories.

    • I wish you the best in that. I'm glad you're more comfortable with yourself and I hope you find what you're looking for. Feel free to add me if you'd like

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What Guys Said 14

  • Your description is exactly the way I used to be word for word. I always felt like girls thought introverted guys were "creepy" because we are not very outgoing. This idea of introvert behavior being malignant is quite false. Psychologists have found that extroverts are much easier to hypnotize, or control. Extroverts are part of the group of followers and often are praised for being the go-getters but are really much quicker to be joiners and to be concerned about what others think of them. Don't be controlled by what you think others will think of you, be yourself. . Some of histories greatest leaders were introverts. Abraham Lincoln was an introvert. You should be proud to be an introvert. However, reading your statement I can see your problem is not being an introvert but the fact that you seem to feel defeated. You are discouraged over one bad experience with a girl. These things happen to all of us, just move on to the next one. Go back and reread your statement. Pretend you are reading someone elses question and you will see a lot of undertones of feelings of defeat and negativity. This is what is a turnoff to girls because they can sense this when they talk to you. It's not the introvert that is the problem, it's the attitude.

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  • I can see by the way you write that you're certainly not "some dumb jock" in whom girls don't tend to be interested after high school. It does sound like you're not as confident as you think you are. I know how it feels to think you're casting the line perfectly but no fish are biting. Maybe the bait isn't presented very well!

    Don't worry; you can change this! It won't be easy, though. Don't buy books about being more confident or listen to tapes in your car about what women want. That's a waste of money. What you need to do first is figure out what is interesting about you. For example, if you are interested in a particular author or kind of book, bring that up in conversation. You're in med school, so that's got to be interesting! Find a few things and even write them down if you want to so that you don't forget them.

    Secondly, buy some better clothes. Don't blow a lot of money on them. You can find good-looking jeans, shirts and shoes on sale at TJ Maxx or Nordstrom Rack. Girls want to see that you know how to dress yourself well. I would suggest a vertically-striped casual dress shirt, some loose-fitting but not baggy or over-sized jeans (one's that look sharp and accent your lower half favorably), and some simple black leather shoes and a belt to match. Also, get a haircut and shave every morning or right before you're going out. Girls like a smooth face more than a bearded one and neat hair rather than sloppy.

    Be clean and smell good. Buy some cologne, but don't go crazy with it. Follow the directions on the bottle! The most important thing is to shower and brush your teeth.

    Lastly, find an interesting way to start a conversation. You could ask her about something that she's wearing or about something that you just overheard her say, make a joke about something in your surroundings, or just introduce yourself. Ask her some questions and listen to her answers. Women love it when you're attentive and not staring at their bodies.

    Take it from there! You may get some bad reactions at first, but don't let them phase you! There are PLENTY of women out there and the more you practice talking to women, the more comfortable and confident you'll be. Just relax and enjoy their company!

    Oh, and you may want to think about meeting girls outside of bars as much as possible. Join some clubs that interest you, go to cool museums, coffee shops with friends, etcetera. The girls you meet in bars are girls who go to bars, and that's not something you're into, so why bother with them?

    Be yourself and have fun!

    Good luck!

    -Abe

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  • Here's the thing to think about in being an introverted person:

    YOU'RE A GOOD LISTENER! Ok? You're only 'shy' if you feel insecure, fearful, or experience any other negative feelings in the company of others. Pick up your confidence and feel good about yourself. And if anyone you meet tries to bring you down, DON'T TAKE IT SERIOUSLY. Joke about it and don't let it change your behavior. Stay happy. Giving off good vibes will make you a popular ass. Giving off bad vibes in any way, such as being shy, will get you nowhere.

    Bars/parties are fun. The thrill I find in it is the opportunity to interact with new individuals. I have the chance to expand my social circle with more girls/guys. Now as far as this med school and other senses of accomplishment go, DON'T BRING IT UP unless someone wants to know. No one is gonna care. There's a thin line between being confident and being arrogant. So if someone does ask 'what do you do?', feel free to tell them and describe a bit of it.

    Don't ever use your med school sh*t as a source of power over other individuals. Even lawyers/congressmen, higher ranked individuals make mistakes the same way anyone else would.

    Chances are, girls HAVE checked you out - you just didn't know it. Do me a favor - THE NEXT TIME YOU SEE A GIRL THAT YOU WANT TO TALK TO, GO DO IT. DON'T BE A P*SSY. DON'T BE AFRAID. I've used direct game to girls I've met, saying that I wanted to talk to them because they are attractive and they caught my eye. IT WORKS. THEY WERE FLATTERED AND WE TALKED FOR A GOOD BIT and exchanged numbers. And in doing so, I got a girlfriend now.

    And about women - don't chase them so much. Don't be desperate. If a girl isn't attracted to you, move on and find another. NO ATTACHMENTS, NO NEEDS. You're interested in her, but you still don't care if you lose her. And you're also not gonna find a girl by sitting at home and reading things. Get out and meet new people, even if it's at the grocery store.

    If you can't manage to talk to people, how can you hold down a good relationship with a girl? You need to be able to communicate.

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  • Attracting women has nothing to do with being extroverted. There are plenty of guys that are introverted who get girls. I'm not sure what you have read, but yes, not being clingy and not being nice is the first step but you also need to create emotion in the woman that would make her want to be with you. Women are all about emotion and connection, you can do that by getting her drunk or you can do it by a poem, there is more than one way to skin a cat and being introverted is no excuse

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    • I read poetry isn't a good idea unless you're already together.

    • Poetry would work if you were an actual poet, but my point is you don't need to be extroverted to pick up girls, if you can get womens emotions flowing through poetry, or music or simply talking to them, that's all you need so not wanting to go clubbing is no excuse

  • Eh this is resolved 3 points kthx!

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