I'm 19 years old and for the last ten years I have been reliving the same day in my head. I've seen dozens of counselors and they all tell me the same thing: its not my fault. But that doesn't make my guilt any less overwhelming. Ten years ago on this day my twin brother died and its all my fault. We used to do everything together, but I was always the more daring one. We had both just got out of school and were walking back home. We made this walk everyday and we always walked past a pretty high cliff. And everyday I used to tell my brother that we should climb that cliff. He was terrified of heights and always said no. On that day though I kept pressuring him to do it and he finally agreed.
So we went off our trail and started climbing the cliff. He was so scared, but I kept telling him that it would be fine, we would climb the cliff and everything would be okay. I led the way. Fifteen minutes later we had almost reached the top. He looked down and had a panic attack. I kept trying to calm him down and told him not to look down. After a few more minutes we started climbing again. That's when it happened. His foot slipped and he screamed out. I managed to grab his hand but he was too scared and my grip was slipping fast. He was so scared. So scared. There was nothing I could do as his hand slid away from mine and he fell. I still see the look on his face every time I close my eyes and it haunts me. He was so scared. I had to watch him fall and there was not a thing I could do. I relive that memory most nights in my dreams and it never changes even in my dreams.
My parents and everyone else are constantly telling me that its not my fault but we all know deep inside that it is. I know they hate me for what I did, but they can't possibly hate me more than I hate me. I killed my own brother. It should have been me and I would give anything to change that. The only thing stopping me from taking my own life is my family but I don't deserve to be alive. It was supposed to be me. I'n so sorryu brother.
So we went off our trail and started climbing the cliff. He was so scared, but I kept telling him that it would be fine, we would climb the cliff and everything would be okay. I led the way. Fifteen minutes later we had almost reached the top. He looked down and had a panic attack. I kept trying to calm him down and told him not to look down. After a few more minutes we started climbing again. That's when it happened. His foot slipped and he screamed out. I managed to grab his hand but he was too scared and my grip was slipping fast. He was so scared. So scared. There was nothing I could do as his hand slid away from mine and he fell. I still see the look on his face every time I close my eyes and it haunts me. He was so scared. I had to watch him fall and there was not a thing I could do. I relive that memory most nights in my dreams and it never changes even in my dreams.
My parents and everyone else are constantly telling me that its not my fault but we all know deep inside that it is. I know they hate me for what I did, but they can't possibly hate me more than I hate me. I killed my own brother. It should have been me and I would give anything to change that. The only thing stopping me from taking my own life is my family but I don't deserve to be alive. It was supposed to be me. I'n so sorryu brother.
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