What a real "nice guy" is like

[Anonymous]

Most people describe the nice guy as a pushover or someone who gets stepped on. Or maybe someone who thinks that if they act nice enough a girl will eventually fall for them. But a real nice guy only cares about the people they like seeking nothing in return. I personally don't identify myself as a "nice guy". I'm just a guy who want to fall in love and meet someone who cares about me as much as I like them.

The friend zone is a place where most people say a nice guy always is. In a way this is true. Why wouldn't girls want to be friends with a nice person who cares about others. This however is in no way a negative thing. Why would people likeing and enjoying your company be a negative.

Now here is where the seperaration occurs. There are shy quiet and not very confident nice guys and very outgoing confident nice guys. Both of these guys have the same characteristics but the more outgoing one will obviously get more attention.

I unfortunately fall into the second category. This means that though I have a lot of female friends any that I might like will never know. I've only had two rejection experiences and I guess that's all it took. And only one was a true relationship in which she ended up not feeling the same. I've made the "friend zone" my home and just hope one day I'll meet someone that I feel comfortable with and we just let each other know about mutual feelings. I k ow that's not how it works but until something changes that's a good dream.

I have no regrets all the girls I've liked ended in happy relationships I'm just waiting for the girl that likes me as well. I don't do nice things to get a girl to like me I do then because it will make that girl smile and be happy. I guess I'm waiting for the girl who will want to do the same.

[Roostah]

"But a real nice guy only cares about the people they like seeking nothing in return."

This part is BS. No one is 100% altruistic like that. Most nice guys for the very least expect people to treat them the same way that they treat you. You wouldn't keep being nice to a person who ignored/treated you like shit. If you say yes to this then you are a push over by definition.

[myTake Owner]

I completely agree. While I'm a kind person and like to do nice things I don't let myself get taken advantage of. It's just that most people are nice to me and I assume it's just because I'm nice to them. Of course we want to to be treated the same but that's not why we do it.

[Anonymous]

I stopped reading when I reached the "non-threatening genitalia" part.

[ObviouslyOriginalMe]

Actually it does work that way! My boyfriend is a nice guy! (Although he's 6 foot 1 ish maybe 2 and he's thin and adorable! Anyway, he's like... SUPER quiet. Had I not met him in a public speaking club I'd never fallen in love with him... His speech had me hooked... I was crushing on him for a month or two but figured he didn't like me, thought I was too loud, and I even was convinced I scared him. Then one day I got the nerve to make a decision that has changed my life. I'd attempt to initiate a friendship... And then settlely drop hints, careful not to scare him. He's actually an author so I bought his book and asked him to sign it for me. When that went only slightly awkwardly, I invited him to go get hot chocolate. From there we started hanging out a bunch. Then one day we mutually decided to be more than friends. Finally we were randomly asked if we were dating. I looked at him... He looked at me... And we both smiled and said yes in sync. So there you have it! Mutual agreement in feelings and we've been together 7 months!

[eskimo]

I think the classic "nice guy" isn't really nice at all. On the surface, they care for others. But deep down they want to be in a relationship with some girl that they do everything for. This means that they are trying to do something in hopes for a return for something else. Someone who is truly nice do not ask for anything in return.

This is how you separate yourself and not get in the friend zone. Be a nice person, but not a pushover. Be assertive and communicate your intentions on day 1. Let the girl know you are interested by flirting with them and not there just to serve their needs. Sure, you can listen to their problems but you have to also generate interest and make it known that you aren't the guy they can use.

Don't wait on a relationship man, go after it! Be proactive. Have some confidence. What's the worst thing that can happen? They may reject you, but at least you have tried. You lose one friend. So what? You have tons of male friends who will back you up (hopefully - I think it's important to have some really close guy friends by the way). Anyways, good luck!! Just put yourself out there! You can do it!

[myTake Owner]

All this is true about the "classic nice guy" that's why I described and explitity said how I differed from that.

[Bluemax]

" I've only had two rejection experiences and I guess that's all it took. And only one was a true relationship in which she ended up not feeling the same."

I've known my share of shy, quiet men who have had their share of relationships. Perhaps the key to the issue is "two rejection experiences and [you] guess that's all it took." I think it's important to realize that rejection is the norm. My friend, who in his youth looked like young Peter Gallagher (and who in his middle age looks BETTER than Peter Gallagher) told me that he struck out roughly 75% of the time. Most requests for a date result in a "no." Most first dates don't lead to second dates. Most second dates don't lead to relationships, etc.

In addition to being a good man (and I think you are probably a good man, not merely a "nice guy"), there is effort. One must be attractive, physically and emotionally, to the opposite sex. What are you doing with yourself and your life to be attractive to women?

thecd1979, when you are right, you are profoundly right. When you're wrong, you are profoundly wrong. Takeowner, read his takes by all means, but with the caveat that there is more to it than focusing on grades, goals, and plans, and grades, goals, and plans alone will not make you more attractive to the opposite sex.

[Bluemax]

Oops, I forgot to put the "@" symbol.

@thecd1979
There is more to it than grades, goals, and plans. I have known several people who have focused only on their grades, goals, plans, and things that interest them, and they have not found anyone (a source of unhappiness for them). I agree that you must focus on grades, goals, plans, and things that interest you. But you must also focus on making yourself physically and emotionally attracted to the opposite. Grades, goals, plans, etc., might make one more emotionally attractive, but not physically attractive. Confidence alone does not make one attractive either. And yes, you do need to look and make some effort beyond grades, goals, blah blah blah. It worries me that young men might actually follow that advice and not go beyond it.

Why do you insist on belittling the people who have never found love by saying, "oh well, it’s not a big deal." When you were asked, "Do you, thecd1979 take this woman..." did you just pull out a coin...

[Bluemax]

and flip it? After all, it would have been "no big deal" if you never married? I contend that love, sex, and intimacy are a big deal and to say otherwise is foolish. You can't deny a drive that has been instilled in every human being over two million years of our evolution. Primates don't function well without mates (this has been observed time and again), as do cetaceans. My life would have been infinitely different had I never met my wife and so would yours. I've known people who have been single, kissless, sexless virgins longer than you've been alive. Many did make plans, achieved their goals, and did things that made them happy. AND YET THEY ARE STILL PROFOUNDLY SAD that they are lonely. I think it's foolish to tell them that their never finding someone is "no big deal," particularly when I have and know very well that the love of my life is indeed a big deal, one for which my life would be unrecognizable had I never found her.

[myTake Owner]

All I can to is strive and try to become a better me. Then see what the world thinks.

[Bluemax]

"All I can to is strive and try to become a better me. Then see what the world thinks."

And what would that entail, becoming a better you? I might add you might want to become a more attractive you, if you want a relationship with a woman.

[thecd1979]

I used to be the epitome of one of these nice guys that you are when I was younger and I can tell you lack confidence and give off a vibe of insecurity that is pushing these women away. First and foremost there is no such thing as a "friend zone” a woman will either have an interest in you romantically or for a casual fling or she doesn’t. If she doesn’t it’s because she is not physically attractive to you and/or you lack the personality traits and characteristics that she finds attractive. It’s nothing personal, it’s nothing to go beat yourself up over and sulk about how you will never find someone, you will win some and lose some, chalk it up as a loss and move on. To sum it up all up the best thing you can do for yourself in terms of meeting someone, is to stop looking and stop worrying about it. Focus on your plans and goals for your life, this is what will build confidence and nothing is sexier than a man with a plan who goes after what he wants and gets it, a man that carries himself in away that without even saying anything says "I got this". Focus on doing the things you love on your leisure time, you need to find your own happiness first. A GOOD confident WOMAN, not one of these girls that whines and complains about her dumbass boyfriend that she lets treat her like shit, has these things going for her and is out doing these things and not worried and sulking about meeting a guy. You need to take on the mentality that if you meet someone you do, if not then oh well, it’s not a big deal. I’m not trying to bust your chops and offend but it is what it is, it took me a long time after much heartache and headaches to learn what I am sharing with you, do yourself a favor and save yourself the trouble.

[myTake Owner]

So true that's how I've been trying to live. It's difficult at times but you can only find true happiness by yourself not by having a relationship.

[thecd1979]

Yes sir, figure out who you are and what you want. When I finally started just focusing on me, my goals, plans and just living my life and being happy, instead of always trying to meet someone, that's when things changed and the women started taking an interest in me. Read up on my takes and I will explain more on this.

[the_rake]

'Now here is where the seperaration occurs. There are shy quiet and not very confident nice guys and very outgoing confident nice guys. Both of these guys have the same characteristics but the more outgoing one will obviously get more attention.'

Yeah basically this was the point I was trying to make in this mytake but most people didn't really get it:

www.girlsaskguys.com/.../a23286-my-take-on-the-nice-guy-debate

Still, I think it sucks that a person can have attractive qualities, e. g. successful, good looking, good personality, but still get sidelined because they are not as outgoing as their counterpart nice guy. And I think that is the qualm of most self-identified nice guys - that they do have attractive qualities but they still inevitably wind up being sidelined. That's why this video by Jenna Marbles, for instance, is so ridiculous, because it's so full of ridiculous generalisations and stereotypes:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3VXXXX9iVPI

[myTake Owner]

That's because the term nice guy is usually used by those who actually aren't. I don't identify myself as a "nice guy" in just me and I do nice things for people.

[the_rake]

sure but genuine nice guys can have these problems also. it is especially frustrating for the nice guy that has other attractive qualities, but is by and large unappreciated and has to date in a league below his own. they might be inclined to refer to themselves as 'nice guys' to highlight this issue. that's why i referenced the jenna marbles video because she is just an example of many people that don't understand this basic fact: women will even neglect the nice guys that happen to be attractive prospects.

[Moose2coolvargas]

When a shy person talks everyone always pays attention

[the_rake]

@Moose2coolvargas maybe if the guy is introverted and has a lot of inner-confidence, it will stand out sure when he does happen to speak with more authority. but generally speaking, it's the guy that's just always talking and always has lots of questions to ask, observations, etc. - that's the guy everyone notices.

[9mfeo]

I don't really believe in the "friend zone". If you like someone but you never tell them, how are they supposed to know? People aren't naturally malicious. They just can't respond to feelings they aren't aware of.

For example, one of my first boyfriends was my best friend first. He told me that he liked me and I was floored. I had no idea. We didn't date immediately after that, because I wasn't sure how I felt about him, but we did eventually.

Be open about your feelings. Don't just expect people to know.

[MysteriousFlower]

This 'nice guy' thing is not trendy anymore. Ok, so your lost in love but it the sole reason is not because of being nice, it could be a lack of character, different beliefs or paths in life or not actually nice lol.

[myTake Owner]

Exactly, the point of this is to say that being a nice guy doesn't have anything to do with whether or not you're in a relationship. It just has to do with treatment of others without expecting anything in return. Like I said the nice guy who is confident probably isn't single. I'm single due to to low self esteem and low confidence.

[MysteriousFlower]

Yes but the labels are overrated!. Best of luck to finding the one.

[HikerDude]

LOL I don't think that anyone chooses to be "nice" because it's trendy. In fact, I'd argue that it's never been trendy, but rather the very opposite of that.

[MysteriousFlower]

@HikerDude It is. Nice guy and bad boy are useless titles.

[myTake Owner]

Titles are the way people identify. I also think it's silly.

[MIMOSACHALLENGE]

Love this take!!! Your right definitely! Thank you so much for sharing it was really helpful and informative. I will keep my eyes out for nice guys. :)

[WiseTruth]

One point you may miss though is that you have to be assertive also as a nice guy. Voice when you feel that your boundaries get overstepped or ignore tantrums at the same time, its all a dance of romance. But if you stop dancing you will be considered too passive, someone who does not create a bunch of feelings in a field where two people are not just her. Get the idea?

[myTake Owner]

Of course and I do that already. I might not be confident with women or have low self esteem about looks but I k ow I deserve respect. I also do ballroom so the analogy really makes sense. In or to lead you need to be assertive and communicate. You don't have to be pushy or force anything. It's just a mutual understanding and leading people who want to follow.

[WiseTruth]

you're still young bud. And I think you are also quite mature, so will naturally attract someone good for you sooner or later. Keep in mind to always practice in becoming the best version of yourself.

[chriss]

how old are you? i don't believe in this theory because it depends on the girl. every girl has different tastes. the girls you liked were not your type. i am a nice guy what you described and i have a girlfriend. you just have to make a move and go on a few dates with a girl and tell her how you feel and then if she says no you find someone else. its all about asking the girl how you feel

[myTake Owner]

Yes of course, I even said the nice guys who are confident have fewer problems. That's my issue, I let a few experiences and the fact that I get no attention from girls ruin my confidence and self esteem. Now saying how I feel or making the first move is the hardest thing for me to do. the point of this was to say that a true nice guy doesn't expect people to do him favors because he's nice. He just wants to be treated fairly and see the smile in that person's face.

[Anonymous]

Dude, you negate any point you make by saying nice guys must be under 6'0 and fat. I come from a tall family and love my many cousins and uncles to death and they're all 6'0-6'5, so I find this generalization quite offensive. Also, a fast food diet just means he's lazy.

[myTake Owner]

The image used was meant to be humorous and reflect the image of the general "nice guys" society describes. I'm describing what a real nice guy is like or general good guys.

[Opinion Owner]

I'm sure you are a great fellow. It just seems like a stereotype guys shouldn't be endorsing. Like a girl saying that all pretty girls are bitches. That annoys me too. Believe that you can be sexy AND a good dude.

[myTake Owner]

Exactly I meant it as saying it was the incorrect image that not all guys look like that.

[BelleGirl21]

My eyes will be on the lookout for "non threatening genitalia" 😂😂😂

[SuitAndTie]

My genitalia says hi ;)

[BelleGirl21]

@SuitAndTie 🙈 hi back nice guy.

[SuitAndTie]

@BelleGirl21 ***genitalia becomes shy at retreats***

[hifromkai]

I would say I'm also the second type of nice guy but I'm not fat I'm actually pretty well built and I'm under 6 foot but I'm no pushover I'm trained in martial arts and I speak my mind but I am quiet and reserved and shy but I'm engaged to my high school sweetheart and I do still have a lot of female friends that I care deeply about but I can't always be there because I have other things to do and other places to be and I wouldn't call myself a nice guy I'm just not an ass hole

[Anonymous]

One of the things I hate is that when I find someone I like, where the girl is very attractive and has a lot in common and says you're the nicest guy, but...

It makes me feel like there's something really wrong with me that they won't say and I'll keep making that same mistake over and over in the future which will only hurt my chances as I'm not getting any explanation.

[Prof_Don]

That's the cruel part of the dating game. You are almost never told WHY you are rejected.

[Prof_Don]

I'm a genuinely "nice & sweet" dude but I don't hurt in the dating department. I say the missing ingredient for the extroverted nice guy, is to make aggressive moves towards the women he wants, to increase sexual attraction.

[sanloveshorror]

Agree with you I like it when guys are aggressive in bed ofc lol

[Prof_Don]

@sanloveshorror Yup primal urges are here to stay ;-)

[diamondhair]

I'm the girl you've been waiting for.

[myTake Owner]

That would quite the story for my first relationship lol.

[myTake Owner]

*would be

[Phoenix98]

Maybe for some nice guys but we don't all fall into that category.

[myTake Owner]

I agree I just described others like me be a use I know myself the best lol.

[Phoenix98]

Ah gotacha.

[BearyCute]

I guess I'm considered a "nice guy" because of my 'non-threatening genitalia' 😂😂

[Octavius]

So I'm not a nice person because I'm 6'3?

Well shit...

[Darkone1]

Yeah I am 6 feet one and I am not nice at all to the girls.

[Shyguy_1988]

I'm a nice guy and only accurate thing is I'm under 6 foot. 5'10". But I'm just a nice person making me a nice guy in general!