I've seen this come up a few times on this site - in a discussion someone brings up the concept of toxic masculinity and a bunch of (typically) guys pile on, offended by the idea that masculinity is toxic. So, let's get this out of the way right off the bat - that's NOT what we mean by that term!
What is "Toxic Masculinity"?
When we talk about “toxic masculinity” we aren’t saying that masculinity is toxic. There is nothing wrong or bad about being masculine. What is problematic is not masculinity itself, but restrictive and rigid ideas about gender, about what constitutes masculinity, and about what it means to be a *real* man.
When feminists talk about toxic masculinity, we are not saying that it is wrong to be masculine, to like traditionally masculine things, or to be proud of your masculinity. Not at ALL. What we are saying is that forcing certain notions of masculinity onto others is harmful. Making others feel inadequate or less-than because they do not meet your particular definition of masculinity is harmful. Deriving your sense of value from how closely you conform to a rigid definition of masculinity is harmful.
Men, like women, are individuals. They have individual interests, values and ideas about what a good life looks like. They have different goals and different desires. But there is a great deal of pressure put on men to act in certain ways, to shun certain interests and behaviours, and to deny certain elements of their own humanity. It’s not healthy. It’s not sane. It is toxic, and both men and women pay the price for it.
How does it hurt men?
There is a reason why men are more likely to die by suicide. There is a reason why men suffer more stress-related illnesses. There is a reason why men are less likely to seek help for their mental health issues and let them go undiagnosed until it’s too late.
Toxic ideas about what it means to be a man tell men that expressing their emotions makes them pussies. Toxic masculinity says that *real men* keep their problems to themselves and keep it to themselves when they’re not OK. Toxic masculinity tells men that they are weak if they admit they are feeling sad or lonely or defeated.
Toxic masculinity tells men that the only acceptable emotion is anger. It teaches men that it’s gay to have friendships with other men that go deeper than just drinking beer, talking about sex and ripping on each other.
Frankly, I believe that men deserve better than that.
Men deserve to be able to carve out their own identity for themselves. They deserve to be able to listen to whatever music speaks to them, instead of feeling ashamed that they happen to enjoy listening to a bit of TSwift here and there. They deserve to be able to pursue interests in dance or theatre without having their manhood or sexuality questioned. They deserve to be able to not like sports or guns or cars without being berated for it.
They deserve to be able to say “I’m having a tough time right now and I don’t think I can handle it alone” without being made to feel weak or inadequate.
They deserve to be able to prioritize their romantic partner without being accused of being whipped. They deserve to be able to empathize with other genders, other sexual orientations or other races with pride. They deserve to be able to enjoy a sweet cocktail or a nice salad without having to “turn in their man card”.
When we talk about toxic masculinity, we’re not trying to vilify men who happen to have traditionally masculine interests. We’re not trying to tell men they have to be more like women. We’re not trying to tell men that they have to tell every person they talk to about every feeling they have or that they have to stop sculpting their body-builder muscles or that they shouldn’t enjoy smashing some beers and wings with their bros.
When we talk about toxic masculinity all we are trying to do is expand the definition of what makes a man a man.
So, What Makes a Man?
You can have interests beyond sports, cars and banging hot women and still be a man. But having those interests is fine too (as long as you are respectful of others in those pursuits).
You can have a wider range of emotion than just “anger---happy---horny” and still be a man.
You can need someone else’s help lifting a heavy object or have a tough time getting that stupid stubborn jar open and still be a man.
You can have and express genuine love for your friends, male and female and still be a man.
Being a man has NOTHING to do with how many women you’ve fucked, how strong you are, how much money you make, how much beer you can drink, or how little emotion you express.
Being a man is about being sure of yourself and who you are. It’s standing up for your convictions.
It’s caring about others and standing up for those who are weaker or less powerful than you.
It’s feeling secure enough in your own sense of value that you don’t feel threatened by the mere presence of someone who is smarter than you, or better looking than you, or wealthier than you, or more ripped than you.
It’s feeling secure enough in your manhood to be honest about your own weaknesses or the challenges you are facing.
It’s being comfortable enough with your own identity to be able to put yourself in other peoples’ shoes and try to see things from their perspective.
It’s knowing your own value and not taking it personally or lashing out when others don’t necessarily see that same value.
It’s being able to control your own emotions and express them in a constructive and healthy way.
In short, being a man is about being secure in who you are. Toxic masculinity feeds on and perpetuates insecurity. It turns vibrant, interesting individuals into basic caricatures.
Men deserve better. Women deserve better. Together we can DO better.
So let’s start.
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