Growing Up in a Cruel, Cruel World: A Young Girl Left Behind

A Young Girl Left Behind

#GaGWritingContest

This post could be triggering to anyone who has been a victim of abuse or has a sensitive heart. Read with caution.

Several years ago I was a happy, energetic little girl. I would look for the best in people, and I was sure to befriend everyone I could. Today, I'm overly pessimistic and cautious about who I approach. I wish that I could remember the days that I saw the world as good and pure, because now I see the corruption and the evils lurking behind every corner. This is the story of my first time seeing just how cruel the world can be.

I originally wrote a long and passionate story about my abusive and neglectful step father, but after writing the whole thing I decided that it was much to personal to post. Instead, I will be presenting a brief summary of what opened my eyes to the evils of the world at an absurdly young age.

I have never met my biological father. I only know that his name is Matthew. This fact has never really bothered me, and I joke about it freely. How can I miss someone that I've never met? What does bother me, however, is the treatment I got from my step father, and my mother after meeting my step father. Let's just call this step dad "J".

J was a great guy at first. For the first two years of his relationship with my mother, I felt like all of the other kids. I spent time with my "dad", and I would tell people that too. I claimed him as my real father. We went on "daddy daughter dates", and he would buy me nice little gifts just because he knew I'd like something he found. I was proud to call him my father, and I looked up to him.

This adoration took a harsh turn when my sister and brother were born. I was six when Shaylee was born, and a year later JJ was born. Both J and my mother saw the four of them as the perfect family, and I was sort of made the outcast of the family. The gifts stopped, and J avoided me. He'd take his children fishing and drive off while I was changing just so that I wouldn't ruin their "family time".

I began to crave the attention of both of my parents. I acted out like any normal child would. I cut my hair, I drew on the walls, and once I even broke into my aunt's house and messed up her kitchen because I knew that I would be sent to my parents for punishment.

They had no choice but to pay attention to me when I was getting into trouble, but that day I got a new type of punishment. My mother was at work, so I was taken to J. He had never in the slightest been abusive to me, but that day he was a little more drunk than usual, or maybe even high. I was too young to tell, and I only found out about his drug and alcohol problem a couple of years ago. J pushed me to the ground and kicked my thigh hard enough to leave a scuff from the tip of his boot.

I felt like absolute scum. If he was angry enough to hurt me, then it must mean that I really was the child no one wanted. I can still remember the feeling of my tiny little eight year old heart breaking. I wouldn't have been hit if I were a good enough child. I felt so terrible that I packed up my toys in a garbage bag, unplugged my TV, and even sat myself in the corner. J came in and tried to bribe me into acting okay because he didn't want my mother to know. I refused, and he got angry and slammed my door when he left. I cried my eyes out until my mother got home nearly an hour later. I showed her the mark from his shoe, but she ignored it and said that I was probably being bad so he spanked me.

The minor abuses continued for the next year with J always trying to bribe me into keeping my mouth shut, and my mother thinking that the bruises or the scratches were just from rough play at school. I thought that she hated me, but today I know that she was in true denial. She didn't want to believe that her lover would do something so vile. I knew that the marks weren't enough to really get J into any trouble, so I didn't bother telling anyone else.

J cheated on my mother several times before they "broke up" when I was nine. J would call his children, and send his children gifts. I didn't understand what was wrong with me that the man I had adored so fiercely as a child wanted nothing to do with me. I was his kid first, but I was ignored completely when he left.

My mother started to date a lot of men. She'd have a new man nearly once a month, and I'd get attached to them immediately to fill the void J had left. I met many men, both good and bad, during that time. When they left, I was more heartbroken than my mother. J and my mother had a few flings in that time as well. The main thing I remember is the night that J bailed my mother out of jail.

They weren't dating, but she slept with him that night as payment for getting her out. I walked in on them because I had forgotten to get my mom's signature on a field trip paper, and she sent him to put me to bed. He screamed at me and threatened to beat me with his belt for crying after his verbal attacks. I couldn't stop sobbing, so he shut my door hard as a warning that if I left my room, there would be consequences.

I realized that my mother slept with many men for things she needed, such as a sweetheart named Donny that had a truck, and a man named Alan because he had a cabin he let us stay in. We never had much money, so I'm still not sure if she did it for us or for herself. Still, I started to think of my mother as a whore, and by 7th grade I had convinced myself that I would end up the same. I was terrified. I wanted to be so much more than her.

I was bullied often, so I didn't have many friends. I became introverted and horribly shy. My experiences with J and my mother's actions after he arrived gave me abandonment issues, trust issues, anxiety, and a terribly distorted self image. I thought of myself as a sumo wrestler with the face of an ape, when really I was sort of a cute little girl. An 11 year old should never have to deal with those issues.

Seventh grade was a year that I moved around a lot. I went from Pennsylvania, to Maryland, to Tennessee, then to Kentucky. I spent two months in each state, and so I didn't make any new friends in any of my schools. I was lonely, but my mother had stopped dating and we had left J behind, which were things I'd be willing to sacrifice my social life for.

I began making friends in KY at the beginning of 9th grade. I was still bullied, but not as badly. I made friends with the skater/stoner kids, so no one really bothered me because they were like the tougher group in the school. I was finally feeling at peace, and I was making huge strides in improving the issues caused by my childhood. Sadly, that time was short lived. This passed summer, the summer after 10th grade, my mother invited J to live with us again.

My siblings stayed with me and my mother when we left the state, so they were glad to see their dad again. I, however, was bitter. I hated him, and I hated her for inviting him back. She promised nothing was going on between them, but it furthered my hatred when I found out that she lied. J no longer fucked with me because I had grown big enough to hit him back if need be, but my siblings found out that they could torment me all they wanted with no repercussions.

They both called me "fatass" daily, and JJ even told me to kill myself and he once came at me with a pair of scissors. He got a "knock it off" from my mother. I finally got fed up with it, and I started to fight back. I started fights with J when he said some idiotic retort under the influence of alcohol or drugs, and I often rebelled against whatever he said. My mother had realized her mistakes when we first came to KY, and we had mended our relationship, but to this day I don't feel the "motherly bond" most people say that they have with their moms. I never cried to her about a break up, and when I was bullied or felt depressed I just kept it hidden.

I got sick of J and his bullshit. My mother offered to let me live with my uncle back in my home state, and I felt slight sadness at the fact that she brought it up herself. I thought she wanted me gone, so I packed my stuff and they took me the next month. I was sad to see her drive away, but I was glad to be far from J.

Since I left, the four of them take "family photos", and go to "family events", something they never included me in. They're a happy little family now that they've sent away the fatherless brat. It still hurts me too think of this, but I do know that my mother loves me. She tries to make it up to me now by sending money and checking in on me when needed, and she calls every so often. She even wants me to spend the summers with her, which I obviously have to oblige to.

J may have been a horrible human, but if he had never entered my life I wouldn't be as smart as I am today. I learned to grow up fast and take care of myself, and I now know to be careful with my trust. However, my distrust goes to some major extremes, and my body image still isn't as good as it should be, but those are things that I'm working on. This story is a hard one for me to tell, and I didn't even add all of the details.

And that was the first person to teach me how cruel the world was, and it's a lesson I will never forget, no matter how old I get.


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What Guys Said 10

  • I'm so sorry,
    I hope you are doing okay

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    • I'm alright now, this story is all kind of numb to me now. I've gotten past a lot in life, so I'm stronger for it all now :) Thank you

  • That's really sad I really hope you find someone who loves you and takes care of you and treats you with the respect that you deserve. You did nothing wrong its not your fault. I am sorry to tell you this, but obviously your mother doesn't love you if she chose a man who cheated on her several times and who abused you over you.

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  • Keep up the fight. Life sucks big time for a lot of people. No matter what happens, no one is allowed to give up and say 'die'

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  • There is a very important thing you must remember... that chapter of your life is closed shut. I see a lot of people on this comment section being sympathetic but not empathetic. It's often hard for people to call on past events and there's usually a TON of emotion involved, as well. They learn to deal with what they did in different ways, some will say toughen up, because that's what they did. Others will draw on political views of women and whatnot to hold a point and others simply want to be heard. But that is their concern, not yours, nor mine.
    I had a really close friend who recently passed away from a disease. He was in the Vietnam war as a corpsman on one of the Seal teams (medic). He had seen it all, he came from a place where his father and mother beat him daily... He said to me after i was dealing with issues that no matter how bad it got it made the good times, even better.
    I still hold onto that thought, that we know the world can become dark and lonely, or chaotic or manic. But when some light shines through, it comes brighter to you than it would anyone else. I count my blessings for the harsh things I have gone through, not because i believe in god or anything lol but because its those hardships that make life seem like a breeze now. I personally wouldn't trade it for anything, its simply another chapter in the book of me.

    Draw any conclusions you like :)

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  • Tell me one thing.

    It was shockingly ice cold wasn't it? Depressing too right?
    We both have a lot in common when it comes to learning fast and early in what kind of fierce and cruel controlled world we live in.

    Some wounds truly never heal >.<

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    • I'm sorry that you've had to go through this also, it's not a good beginning to life at all

    • Yes but sooner or later we will find out either way. I try to look at some things like they are at least to some use but in time of crisis there's really no more exit.
      So I stayed down, protected myself and still keep myself private. It's a defensive mechanism we have and it's right. Keep being protective because in the long run it will reward you unforgettable.

      Wish you the best and please do not look at your mother but try your best and fight to get away from her current position. Shitty times shape us tough if we survive that.

  • Dude 99% of people i know had a childhood as shitty maybe not identical to yours but very smiliar, hell i was beaten like a pinata til i was like 13 or 14 , my friends got beaten and threatedned too, shit like this happens daily its part of our life and nothing special to really think about, so iam sorry if dont feel as sorry for you as i should but your whining is something every single arab, black,(someasians) and even latinos go through growing up it just doesn't seem special to me, you were beaten once we were beaten daily.

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    • Hey dipshit, read the actual story. "beaten once" no, I wasn't. How about you leave, because no one likes a self centered douche like this.

    • you want a special treatment for your story? you're not special what you described is normal in lots of places

    • Because it's normal doesn't make it right. Who said I want special treatment? Go ahead and find me one quote asking people to treat me differently. People like you are the reason abuse and rape and such can continue happening, because you judge those who speak out. I'm blocking you now, because I'm not involving myself in a petty and bullshit argument with someone who doesn't even have the balls to show their face. Peace.

  • damn, i'm sorry you had to go through that. i had a very similar life.

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  • sounds good

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  • What a story, noone should have to grow up like that. I can only hope that isn't true, but it is such a story of truths in the needs of all people that we need unconditional love and support from our father and mothers, even if they are the 2nd stringers. I hope you get the counseling you need to heal and re-image yourself. It will take time to work through the lies of the failed parents and establish new roots.

    I hope this video helps you to re-attach to a much better father figure...
    www.vineyardcolumbus.org/.../

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  • After reading this, I feel I have had the completely opposite life to you. I took my family for granted. We have the "perfect family" aside from me. I would never want to be a part of family time and events just to do my own thing. It has gotten to a point where my parents expect me to not be a part of family things. Also, I was a huge trouble maker always being the bully. I learned empathy from being an outcast by the 10th grade because I was such an asshole. I deserved to be called ugly, mean, the definition of a bully. Reading your story makes me realize how much of my life I take for granted and how others like yourself are unfortunate. I'm growing up more and I can say mentally you're more mature due to the experiences you faced by yourself. You took those negative experience and it helped you grow. Good luck to you in your life.

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What Girls Said 5

  • What made you not be afraid of his abuse or reacting when you got older and argued with him? Since you were bullied I'm curious about what made you not be afraid to fight for yourself. Did he ever hit his bio kids, because they sound like his mini mes. Happy you got through it all.

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    • No, I was the only one he hit. I think just the fact that I was making friends and getting more confident that made me courageous enough to fight back. I knew he wouldn't hit anyone who could hit back

    • Yeah, those types of people usually nvr mess with people who can fight back. It's a shame, but I'm glad you overcame him.

  • I can related to the bullying because I was bullied a lot when I was younger. Didn't have many friends either and was picked on for most of my life and became very introverted. But that all stopped when I was junior in high school.

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    • I'm glad it got better :)

    • Me too, I don't deal with it much anymore thank goodness, and at my high school they are very strict about bullying and they try to do there best prevent it. As other schools don't really do much about it.

  • I'm speechless, girl. I can't nor I could not say that I know how it feels like. I don't. :( but you just came my idol, and I look up to you. Take care honey <3

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    • Thank you, but I'm far from an idol

  • Fucking hell, your mom and step dad are bloody disgusting human beings.

    I absolutely despise parents that refuse to believe their child when they come forward about being abused. It boggles my mind that she pretended like it didn't happen.

    I know you said you somehow mended your relationship with your mom, but the simple truth is - she still betrayed you, because she remained with this horrible man despite all the shite he's done. Then added insult to injury by living as a "happy family" after getting rid of you.

    I would not forgive such a pathetic excuse for a mother, to be honest. I'd write a long letter listing all the bullshit both of them put me through and then cut all contact.

    Garbage humans have no place in my life.

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    • She's tried her whole life, and sacrificed a lot for us. She felt as if she deserved J, and she was in denial. I don't hate my mother

    • If by "sacrificed a lot" you mean selfishly wiped her feet on you because you were an inconvenient odd one out, then yes - she very much did.

      She sacrificed your love and well being for her own comfort. What sort of mother ignores her 8 year old daughter's cries about being kicked and abused? She should have thrown out this J asshole and filed charges. Instead she was indirectly responsible for your trauma by being an abhorrent mother.

      Maybe if she kicked that guy out of her life and apologised, it would be different. But she stayed with the abuser of her own daughter.

      Truly disgraceful.

  • WoW!!! Is all I can say because I have a very deep story of my childhood myself. But it is very hard to share and a lot of emotions that are to deep and still hurt till this day. But I have had to grow up so fast too due to a life I didn't want or ask for thanks to my parents. But what doesn't break YOU makes you stronger. One of my favorite quotes and always will be. If you ever want to talk message me I am here for you.

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