Let me start off by saying that if you suffer from these, there is always help available and something really will help you one day. Let's face it, they'll always be there, but you can learn how to control it and not let it overtake your life. Keep going :)
Okay so I bet some of you are thinking "what the hell will a 15 year old know?" Quite a lot actually....... well about this anyway. Being a teenager and having these issues for the last 3 years, I've learned quite a few things about how lonely it can really be.
I've slowly found out over the years that many kids my age lie about having similar issues such as self harm and suicidal thoughts. Knowing that this goes on A LOT in my school, it's made me more and more afraid to express how I'm really feeling, even to my friends. I'm so terrified that they'll begin to think I'm one of those people. So I've kept as quiet as I can about it, I make sure to cover the scars and recently new slashes on my arms everyday, I spend ages covering them up with makeup and when that inevitably fails, I stick on a long sleeved shirt. When my friends ask my how I am or how my weekend was, I stick a smile on and mutter the words I've repeated over and over and over again, "I'm fine."
Knowing I'm not able to express to the people I'm closest with how I'm really feeling is horrible. I do everything I can to hide it from my mum especially, the last thing I'd want to do it stress her out even more, she's my best friend.
Don't get me wrong, not everyday is a bad day. In fact, I go a few weeks feeling okay and able to deal with things. There's just odd days throughout those weeks that as soon as I get home from school, I go to my bedroom and just cry. Cry until I fall asleep usually. It's frustrating knowing that the people around you don't know what's going on but at the same time, you're too terrified of telling them. It's a viscous cycle.
What I've learned is that you can't keep going on on a daily basis with your same old habits of crying and slashing yourself and replaying your own death over and over in your head. What you need is some help. Open up, share with your lived one's, do not.let it control you and your life because it will destroy it in the end. It's not easy at all, I still self harm, but for me, it's a selfish thing. I know I could stop, but I choose not to. It's a release of all that built up tension and anger and hurt. There's just no point in it. So please, if you suffer from the same things, just have a chat with someone you trust about it. One day you'll have to break that vivacious cycle, don't drag it out, make it today.