Top 10 Useful Tips For Americans Traveling "Down Under" (Satire)

Are You Thinking Of Visiting The Outback? The Land where shrimp is served on a Barbie Doll, where Paul Hogan is a GOD and Hugh Jackman is the Governor. Well I've been there twice now and I've been told if I go back there once more they're going to hold a "Roast" where I'll be the guest of Honor! So in that wonderful Aussie spirit I've decided to pass on the secret tips I've learned interacting with the locals.

1. Don't Do Any Research

Now most of us when we travel abroad like to read up on the places we go to, right. Well don't worry about that when Visiting Australia. Aussies are very, very chatty! They love when foreigners ask questions they know the answers to. As the descendants of Criminals they're eager to redeem themselves to the Normal World. Oh and don't worry they all personally know Crocodile Dundee and will be happy to take you to him.

2. Travel light

Only take the clothes on your back. As soon as you land you'll be given your own Croc Vest, shoes and hat. Don't worry about sunscreen as it's very cloudy thanks to all the dust and the sharks have been trained to eat any Mosquitoes so repellent isn't needed.

3. They LOVE Americans!

They hardly ever see them, let alone talk to them so it's always a thrill for them to meet one. So play the part! Be sure to tell them you're related to the President and you're in charge of Hollywood. Say things like "How much is that in American?" and "I'll have a Fosters." (That's what they call beer.) Be sure to show off a big wad of American Money! In fact if you have 200 bucks you could probably rent out the Island for a Month. Walk around dressed like Uncle Sam and they may ask you for your autograph and a picture.

4. Offer to Teach them How to Play Real Sports

They can't get enough of Amazing American sports. All they really have is Cricket and Swimming. And swimming as a sport there went down hill after Ian Thorpe retired. (How can you retire from not Drowning?) They do have a sad form of Football that they play without pads because they couldn't afford them. But, Baseball and Basketball are totally alien to them. So make up your own rules and kick some Aussie Butt!

5. Use Some Aussie Slang Words

You'll pick it up as you go along but I'll give you one for free. The local way of saying someone is Australian is "Kiwi" like the fruit. So saying something like "You Kiwi are Great people!" they'll love you for that.

6. Use Their Accent

Accents are a great way to blend in while traveling anywhere. Aussies love hearing you talk like them, it helps them relax. Just like the Irish, Aussies know that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. So have at it and they might even make you King or Queen of the Island.

7. Point out How Much like England Australia is

They love the comparison as they've always looked up to England like an Cooler older brother. Ask them when "Tea Time" is for bonus points.

8. Transportation

They mainly get around by Kangaroo as few of them can afford a car. Aussies will be happy to train you in riding them at any time. "Roos" are just for getting around they are not pets. (Dingo's are the preferred pets.) But you don't have to worry about parking just jump off and remember to tuck and roll. Then later you can grab the next Kangaroo to hop by as they are Everywhere!

9. Wild Animals

Most Aussies are terrified of local wild life. Koalas are especially Frightening to them. They are just waiting for a Brave American to show those little beasties who's boss and will throw anyone a parade who can deal with them. Also if you know how to get rid of the Frogs they make you a god like Paul Hogan.

10. Cuisine

The Australian diet is terrible. They mainly survive on a mix of Vegemite and Snakes. Vegemite is made from left over beer yeast and being the great drinkers that they are, they found a way to not waste anything. I personally would rather eat Haggis for a month than touch one corner of bread dipped in Vegemite. Also the common lunch time food is an icky "Sweeney Todd" type meat pie. If they offer it to you make sure to remind them that the rest of the world has no interest in trying "Convict Pie." (There are no Cows down there.)

Well that covers the basics. Have Fun and BE sure to follow these tips when exploring the Outback and you'll make fast friends. Talk to even one "Kiwi" and they'll call over every one of their Buddies over to help explain things faster. Should you get "Heat Exhaustion" after talking to the locals don't worry the Prison Docs will have you up and on your way in no time.

Also I like to thank @Luci92 for helping me remember the last 3 tips. She's personally volunteered to light the pyre at my "Roast" (As long as it's apple pye I don't care how it's spelled.) in fact she seemed all to eager to do it.

#NEVERDOTHIS


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What Girls Said 7

  • 3mo

    Ha Ha funny, I know this is satire but I honestly can not tell the difference between the British accent and the Australian, you guys both sound alike to me.

    You forgot about tips on how to avoid Drop Bears upload.wikimedia.org/.../Drop_bear.PNG

    Realizing that a dingo actually do babies

    And the fact that every living animal in Australia wants to kill you

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  • 3mo

    Hahaha thanks for the mention mate, and I am definitely too eager to light the pyre ;P
    3 is true, well, for me at least. Can't get enough of the Americans lol.
    7 will get you skinned like a snake for dinner lol.
    8 - you forgot that the cool kids ride emu's to school!

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  • 2mo

    #5 tho XD

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  • 3mo

    What about europeans?

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    • 3mo

      You mean doing a satire on England or one of the other countries in the union?

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    • 3mo

      Essentially the same way but you should act like you own the place and you've found a bunch of gypsies have moved in. ;)

    • 3mo

      LOL, good answer

  • 3mo

    Tea time is an England phrase, bloody hell does everyone only use dinner then. Well that sucks, a nice cuppa and biscuits, really soothes your soul.

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  • 3mo

    Ahaha "the how not to survive in Australia" guide. Nice take 😂😂😂

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  • 3mo

    Bruh I'm a kiwi

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What Guys Said 9

  • 3mo

    LOL Good stuff.

    I don't know a huge amount about Australia and I've never been, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't make THIS much of an ass of myself. :P

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    • 3mo

      No worries mate.

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    • 3mo

      I assume it's a badge of honor kinda like Haggis. Or they get used to it as kids and force it on tourists for a laugh.

    • 3mo

      It's cause everyone eats Vegemite the wrong way... this coming from an Aussie

  • 3mo

    I know this is a satire but I'm going to list stuff below for the fun of it anyway

    Here's the real guide to surviving on Australia.

    1# have a love of alcohol and drinking.

    2# know how to take a joke

    3# don't give kangaroos babies or toys, don't fight them you'll lose

    4# don't try to smuggle a koala out of the country

    5# don't feed the crocs and gators, don't wrestle either of em your not Dundee.

    6# prepare to be disapoonted because none of them are like concision Dundee.

    There you go lol.

    Now with the above being said I'm not only going to ignore my own advice but I'm going to listen to yours when I visit.

    If no one hears from me again they fed me to koala bears.

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  • 2mo

    Should I complain about how all your toilets spin backwards?

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  • 3mo

    Wait a minute. Isn't Kiwi slang for a New Zealander? As far as I know Australia has no kiwis and New Zealand does, so therefore...

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    • 3mo

      Correct. Aussies and Zealanders have this whole beef going between them. Aussies hate being mistaken for Kiwis which is why I used it for a point of satire. You should never do anything listed above.

    • 3mo

      Lol I knew it! Also pretty good satirical article, I know enough about Australia to enjoy reading it.

  • 3mo

    It was funny and all, but the part that I like the most is the fact that you had to add (Satire) in the tile.
    I? m serious, I'm sure there would had been an infinite number of complain comments.

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  • 3mo

    I would love to visit there some day, my sister was there for two months and liked it, brought me back a boomerang, lol but that was an interesting take, thanks.

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  • 3mo

    I still remember the last time I took your travel advice
    vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/.../latest

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  • 3mo

    Ahahah loved this

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  • 3mo

    This was funny stuff. But I thought "kiwis" were New Zealanders.

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