Why are we so dependant on worrying about the past instead of moving on to the future?

[Anonymous]

The Obvious Statement:

I'm talking in terms of past relationships here. We kind of avoid focusing on the present and a happy future and instead worry about bad things that have happened in the past. I know we do it because we're scared of getting hurt again, but I just want to share my story to this subject, and I'd also like to maybe see other stories from you guys about similar experiences and/or maybe even some advice?

Our Past:

I got into a relationship in June. This is my first relationship in around four years yet I was really insecure at the beginning and still am now to be totally honest. However, right at the beginning when I was talking to my friends about my insecurity, one friend sent me a video that really hit me and made me realise what was wrong with me.

Basically this guy was talking about his past such as his home and school life. I'm not sure if he made out it was him just for the example or if it was really his life story, but he was saying that he was small and fat or something like that and after something else happened, everybody in school started claling him "Pork Chop" or something like that. And it basically still hurt him as a grown man now and he can't stand to look or eat pork chops because of it.

Why That Video Hit Me:

I knew I was insecure at the beginning of the relationship but couldn't quite put my finger on why. But then the video talking about the past kind of reminded me that I was bullied in school a lot. Especially for being fat. As well as being hurt by girls before now such as being strung along by my ex before she ended things, and then other girls over the past few years saying they liked me and then them just not talking to me again for some reason. So I just couldn't believe it when the girl of my dreams tells me she likes me and then we end up togther. I couldn't understand at all what she saw in me simply because I've only ever seen myself through everyone else's eyes. That I was "Fat and ugly" Don't get me wrong, this time two years ago I lost a stone of weight, and last summer I lost three stone. Losing this weight made me feel more confident in myself and allowed me to wear more suitable and fashionable clothing but at the same time I never for one minute thought it made me good looking and that I'd attract girls.

My Insecurites:

Me and my girlfriend made it Facebook official pretty much straight away to show our friends but even that meant nothing. But as time went on I met her mum, dad, brother and even grandparents. On my mind this made me realise it was serious yet I was still insecure. Yet two months later we're still going strong yet my past still sticks in my mind and I just can't bring myself to be happy.

My friends always say to me "Focus on the present whilst you are happy" yet I can't just bring myself to do this. I would love to focus on the present and even maybe start planning a bit of a future with her yet my past just holds me back so much. I'm forever thinking I'm fat and ugly, whereas she's this absolute stunner of a girl. I see these guys on her Facebook sometimes who are athletic, have a body full of muscles and just in general (in a none gay way) but I can clearly tell they're good looking. She could easily get a guy like that, so why me? But I also fear that what if she suddenly went off me and wanted somebody like that instead?

And the only reason I think like this is because girls simply don't go for guys like me. I've been hurt and rejected by girls who aren't even all that good looking. I'm not being in any way a hyporcrite or calling them ugly, but I mean in comparison with my girlfriends ifyou know what I mean? People will say to me "Well there's clearly something about you that she likes" yet it doesn't help at all.

Conclusion:

So we do focus on the past way too much and I know it is because we have our walls up to avoid being hurt. But what do you have to do to actually be happy? To focus on the present and build a future without feeling insecure constantly? I know I'm not the first and certainly won't be the last either. But I've opened this discussion up because I personally would like to see similar stories and advice, and maybe help each other who may stumble across this on the Girls Ask Guys website or even a Google Search some day and it might help..

So any stories and advice out there?

[Possible_Mate]

i honestly don't know hoe you get over things, or if people ever completely get over things, i think it mostly takes time, understanding and being able to slowly build trust in others. one thing i do know, you can't do it by yourself. i speak form personal experience, i used to be depressed, lonely, and occasionally suicidal, and be socially anxious. but i realized that nothing would change if i stayed the same. so i did things like start up a club, and eventually made some good friends, and i started doing some other stuff that got me involved in being social which has helped a lot in many ways. i sometimes get a down mood swing, but i'm not depressed because i'm not lonely anymore. i still have social anxieties, but not as bad; for the most part. i don't know if i'll ever get completely over it but i know i'm a lot better off then where i started.
also i've seen the same video that you mentioned, and t is really touching. it was really cool to read your my take, and i think it's really great that you are feeling better about yourself, and you took initiative to make yourself more happy. good for you :). my only advice is try talking to her about your insecurities, she sounds like a really awesome woman so i'm sure she'll understand.

[Xx_PotatoMan_xX]

The reason is that so that we can learn from our mistakes. What we've been through in the past moulds us into who we are and shapes our knowledge.

[Anonymous]

Even mice learn from the past what traps to avoid.
That said, to be fully controlled by past experiences, closes one off to a future exception to those rules, often termed a miracle.

Better to be a trusting soul with Eyes Wide Open, educated by the past, in order to experience the good things of life ahead of us.

[myTake Owner]

Good words!

[LittleSally]

This is true... people get obsessive over the past - especially if they have less going on in the present. I suggest focusing on the future - makes for a more productive present. =)

[abundantlyrich]

You people are so egocentric and too sensitive over everything.

[SIGguy]

"Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it."-John Fitzgerald Kennedy