Can heterosexual men and women "just be friends"?

[Stacyzee]

Long gone are the days, where I remember playing with the opposite gender. We genuinely laughed as we shared conversation, games and toys. We were at the innocence of childhood. We were at a time where we didn’t have the complexity of adult emotions lurking around the corner.

It seems almost impossible that the opposite sex can "just be your friend” in the adult phase of your life. I believe at some point one of the two sides (if not both) will develop feelings for one another. If either one of you are even remotely attractive, feelings eventually are bound to become stirred into the mix. Your friend invests time, dedication, support, and has your best interest at heart. How could it not be natural for either side to want something more to blossom out of this?

Some people are “just friends” by default. Their friend is in a relationship with another so they take on the role they feel they have no other choice being. These people disguise themselves as friends, but if given the opportunity to be something more they would rise to the occasion. Those people aren’t “just friends” if their mind is filled with wanting something beyond what you both already have. Some people are also “just friends” with another because the other person made their lack of interest known. So again, the role by default is taken in this instance. Just because I accept a role doesn’t mean that is my desired one.

Someone that is “just a friend” will never have any romantic interest in you. Despite all of the friendships we claim we have, I think it’s blatant to see that a majority of them wouldn’t exist if instances were different. If we gave that person the chance to be something more, like a lion, they’d quickly pounce on that opportunity.

Do you believe friendship between a man and a woman can truly exist, without someone catching feelings sooner or later?

I think it’s inevitable (with all of the above information taken into account).

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[SaintRichie23]

Yes, yes, yes. I never understood how people can't be friends just due to gender.

I am really close friends with two girls in particular, have been for 4 years now, and not once was there any awkward moments in regards to that. Two people can be friendly towards one another, even whether or not they find each other attractive.

Best analogy I have is in the world of science, like dissolves like, but there are certainly "like" compounds that dissolve easily in some solutions compared to others.

[Sara413]

Considering my three best friends are two dudes and a lesbian, I'mma have to say YES, people of the opposite sex can be just friends. Also, my boyfriend's best friend is a chick.

[Stacyzee]

I can easily stay friends with a guy. I notice my guy friends have a hard time staying friends with me due to sexual attraction and the fact they like my personality.

[pnl86]

It's not a "delusion" that women are under.

Women "know" their male "friends" are not really themselves "just interested in friendship, only... and nothing else."

The "myth" that, "oh, me and him are just friends," is an emotional necessity that needs to be told to oneself to avoid feeling like we're "using" the other person.

It's a lie that people tell themselves.

Men say it to themselves because it allows them to be around front-row and center in case an opportunity opens up or an opening becomes available, but without coming off as if they're "lurking" ... "no, I'm not some creepy desperate lurker, me and her are genuinely just friends - promise"

Women say it to themselves because a part of them knows what's really going on, but they enjoy the "benefits" of this "friendship" with the guy. But, it would cause women to feel so guilty and ashamed admitting to "themselves" (primarily), let alone others, that she is "using" another person, or to identify herself as a "user."

That's negative, and we want to avoid feeling negative about ourselves, and we want to avoid having others think about us negatively.

So, we author a story that paints us in a "positive" light, both to ourselves and to others... so that we can continue enjoying the "benefits" of that "friendship."

[pnl86]

I have "unattractive" female friends, or female friends that I just don't find attractive.

I had a co-worker in my old job that I used to hang out with regularly after work. She was "meh," not unattractive, but not attractive either, just barely below average - but not enough to pique any sexual interest.

After talking for a few months, she was asking me about going to the gym, and what kind of cardio and workout routines to do, etc. So, I'd show her, and what apps to download and use to track her progress and calories, etc. She would ask me for my "opinion" on women's shoes, and what sort of stuff I think looks good on a girl... all for the purpose of "her boyfriend" (at the time).

So, she broke up with her boyfriend, and yet her weight and body fat percentage went down, she started dressing better, and started acting more happy and lively. BAM! My sexual interest was piqued. All of a sudden, she was "slightly above average... technically fuckable."

[pnl86]

We had to stop associating with each other.

I couldn't associate with someone where there was any trace or hint of sexual tension. So, no more business lunches, no more after-work coffee or drink pit-stops before we both headed back home, no more 30+ minute phone calls, none of that - all of that stopped.

I knew I didn't want to be in a relationship with her, and I knew I didn't like "really" or "strongly" want to have sex with her. But I also knew that she was no longer, "just a friend." There was something "sexual" between us, even if ever so mildly.

So, I didn't want to have to wonder whether there was a "secondary motivation" behind everything I thought or did with her. I also didn't want her wondering the same thing. I also didn't want other people at work talking about it. So, as soon as she lost some weight and got in better shape, everything was on a strictly professional e-mail (whenever possible) well-documented asexual Kosher basis only.

[Stacyzee]

Nice honest answer

[objob94]

Depends entirely on attraction and how close you are. If you are in any way attracted to eachother, at some point, someone will do something and it is at that point whether you know if the other is interested.

If you can both keep everything strictly platonic, then yes, you can be very close.

But at some point, you will either have members of the opposite sex in your life who will reduce your closeness or you will end up liking eachother. When you spend time with eachother, huge amounts of emotion are invested into that friendship. Emotion is not the only thing required for sex to happen though. You also need attraction. If you have both of these things, it takes incredibly strong willed people to not want to try anything.

In 95% of cases, the answer is no, it can't work. Also, for those saying it's the male who always wants more, I'm living proof that the girl can be the one to make the first move. If they see something in you, they want you. Also, things can get awkward if the male suddenly increases his value. What happened with this friend was I think she started seeing more sexually because I started becoming more popular with girls after hitting the gym. Girls instinctively want what other girls want. Jealousy is in their blood, in evolution terms. If there is attraction and emotional attachment, added to the fact that other girls also think this, your female friend will not be happy to see you go off into life with another women. Fact.

I personally think they're best avoided for these reasons. Girls make better friends for girls and guys are better friends for guys.

[Hidden_P]

I believe they can.

I've had the same best friend for almost 8 years. There is no sexual attraction between us at all. I get on best with men - I grew up with boys, I only live with men. I haven't lived with a woman (the one and only being my mother) for over 8 years now. It's just how I am. I am a friendly person and everyone is my friend.

What about older people? Another close friend of mine (who is female) is in her 50s. Now if she was a man, I would not look at her like I wanted to have sex. But she's still my friend despite the gap.

What about gay people? Surely they can be friends with the opposite sex?

I don't think it's as clear cut as you make out. I genuinely believe men and women can just be friends without their genitals tingling.

[AlphaMale1]

When the teenage and 20s hormone thing is controlling your life the only real friend you have is your crotch lol I hate to be so blunt but your world is driven by your sex drive. That is normal.

When you get into your 40s (some sooner, some later...) you will be able to be friends once again with the opposite sex with one huge difference. You both know you both have had sex thousands of times and know how easy it would be to share a quickie. You also know that is dangerous ground so you resist the urge and enjoy each other's company without the sexual contact. When sex does come into play it is far better as you are both seasoned experts on how to please your partner and yourself. That part of life becomes much less stressful and much more enjoyable.

[CityBoy773]

Nowadays, a guy who accepts that a girl sees him as "just a friend" is just a sad male. It's pathetic, really, how society tells us that men and women being friends is not real and the only relationships we have must be sexual or we're gay.

Honestly, if you can't just be friends with women I can't see how you can develop a healthy relationship in the first place. Like to accept that y'all are nothing more than friends signifies, to me, that you're not a whiny bitch of a guy that cries, "I've been friend-zoned from that bitch". Just accept that she actually calls you a friend and call it a day.

On my end, though, I am friends with attractive women. It's a mature thing to do in my opinion. I shouldn't be looking to fuck everything with a vagina and breasts all day everyday, that screams animalistic desperation in my head.

[YourFutureEx]

I believe people who're (not just) sexually attracted to each other can still be very good friends. Some people just know the right etiquette and how to behave in the society.

Yeah, I've read "These people disguise themselves as friends, but if given the opportunity to be something more they would rise to the occasion."
But they've set up limits not matter what happens.

(exceptions apart)

[Stacyzee]

I thought you were trying to say whore.
I don't usually see people use the ' when it comes to blending those two words.
All in all, I agree with you.
Yes, limits and boundaries are set up.
But that doesn't change the fact that feelings may be there.
That's what I'm getting at in this article.
Those feels are usually inevitable assuming at least one of the two people are attractive and
have a good personality.

[YourFutureEx]

I'm not denying that feelings aren't there. The point I am making is that, even if the person gets the opportunity, he won't use it. (IF he respects the friendship)

[Stacyzee]

I know the point you are making which is why I repeated it back.
"All in all, I agree with you.
Yes, limits and boundaries are set up."
I conclude my opinion by saying, "
Those feels are usually inevitable assuming at least one of the two people are attractive and
have a good personality. "
We both understand this.
Discussing your point,
Yes, I know some people may not acknowledge that there are feelings for that other person.
Only someone who lacks morals would interfere when they know that position is not granted.
A respectable person stands back in this instance.

[xXtemberlyXx]

My best friend is a male. We were friends since before either of us were in any relationship. I will admit the closeness of a friend can make you think you have feelings due to being opposite genders. But once you realize your friends of the same gender make you just as happy you can move on. For like a day I considered "liking him" then realized how weird it felt to think of being intimate. Eww! Well we have been friends for 10yrs. He eventually got married. I was the best man at his wedding. Yup even wore a tux :p. Never once did either of us hit on each other. We have spent time alone and drunk. Slept over at each other's houses. Even in the same bed at times if we were at a party and had to crash there. Never once did anything happen and neither of us were awkward about it. We are both attractive people but don't look at each other for romantic intimacy.

[ObscuredBeyond]

That's why I try to learn just enough about their personal business beforehand to know how far I can safely go, before I decide if I should make a move. And if it seems unwise from the input criteria, then I don't make a move. I can develop a crush very quickly, but I usually know when and when not to make a move. Still, I get angrier when my female friends get hurt than when my male ones do. I somehow feel more obligated to protect/avenge them, while I expect the dudes to be a little more self-sufficient. Even so, if friends of either gender are putting up with a lot of total crap, I want to fix it. Usually by confronting and arguing with whomever the culprit seems to be. Which may be why so many women view me more as a big brother than as date material. I have so many little sisters, that "protect little sister from harm" is very solidly ingrained into me.

[emmabee11]

It can only happeen if you want it to happy :) but most men these days are pussies lol they believe the myth they would fall in love with every female friends so they avoid it... and they get pretty hateful these days, and even if they have female friends they act so nasty to them... start acting reckless trying to get with all their female friends that they only think of as friends themselves (no idea what they are thinking at all lol), and end up calling all women bitches and losing all the good female friends they had... women are willing to be friends with guys... but can guys stop fucking things up? lol doubit it...

[thedevilwithin]

Look when you're a kid you're a different type of friend.
I have male friends who are kind of like childhood friends, we talk shit to each other, hang out together and talk about stuff we like.
We don't share feelings though, none of my male friends are like my female friends.
I don't talk to them about the people i'm dating, my insecurities, basically anything that makes me feel vulnerable.
It's always talking about stuff, about movies, tv shows, work, sometimes politics and other social stuff... never anything personal.
I feel like that for me is the trick.

[aficionado]

@Stacyzee
It's day, it's almost impossible for two straight people of the opposite gender to stay 'just friends', unless one (or both) of them is not available for a relationship (due to seeing someone else, focusing on career etc). Usually, the less attractive one will fall for the other, and end up disappointed and heartbroken when his./her feelings are not reciprocated. And more often than not, it's the man who falls for his female friend.

Really sucks to be in such a situation. That's the reason I distance myself from female friends if I see even the remotest chance of me developing feelings for them, and ensure that I keep the interaction with them to a minimum after that.

[Scrambledagain]

I think so, for me anyway. Since I never got any women in my youth, I had no choice but to be friends with girls in my social group or i wouldn't have many friends. The ones who never went for me, it did hurt but I told myself that I would miss out on knowing human beings if I left everyone in my grp. I did this for years and it's second nature. I see a girl, if I'm attracted, I know she most probably isn't attracted to me in that way and if a friendship blossoms, then it's friendship. Its the same as if I'm attracted to my best friends girl or something: you attracted, but can't touch in that way.

[FatherJack]

Yes it is possible , a female friend can be a springboard to her friends & associates for a bit of " more than just friends " Back in 1992-3 i was stationed in Germany with the British Army , myself & a buddy of mine crossed the border into the Netherlands ( for weed originally !! ) & met some local ladies. Long story short... I remained friends with Ilona ,( she dated my buddy , I briefly dated one of her friends ) they split , but I stayed round hers on off duty weekends & I became popular among some of her friends. This is a rarer scenario , but it's still possible & beneficial to both parties.

[EmiliaRose2355]

I personally think that take is a load of rubbish. I have loads of male friends and our relationship is purely platonic. Fair enough, some of them have wanted more, but most of the guys have accepted our relationship for what it is... and that's: friendship.

There are some instances where guys will be attracted to me or fancy me a bit, but at the end of the day it all boils down to the guys personal taste in women. The only time I'd say it's difficult to be Friends with a guy is when he's your ex and you still have very strong feelings for him.

[Stacyzee]

Out of everyone here , you're the only one to insult. You can try expressing your view in a non-condemning matter or without calling my take rubbish. Thanks !

[Mesonfielde]

There are a bunch of females whom I would not find sexually or physically no matter what, regardless of how nice or interesting they are as people. So of course. Even if you find someone sexually attractive, that doesn't mean you can't be friends with them.

[James19]

This guy deserve a Mho.

[Mesonfielde]

@James19 I think this is a take :p

[James19]

Sorry

[Mesonfielde]

@James19 np I appreciate it :p

[eddzeeman]

Not possible. During our innocence phase it's possible. Using me as an example, I was innocent in highschool. Making friends with everyone, both guys and girls. Dating girls was never my priority, but I could tell a lot of the girls were comfortable with me and did like me. I didn't do anything about it. I got into the dating game soon after. This changed my perception of girls. I can no longer see them as friends. I always check them out from top to bottom without even trying. Sometimes I even ask myself how I've changed so much, and the first thing that pops up was how many games girls played. Even when I was innocent in highschool, being ONLY friends with girls, I noticed how many games they played. Calling me "big bro" and stuff. Looking back now, the closest friends that were girls, I could have easily hooked up with them If I had made the move at the time.

[GirlScout]

I have male friends whom I am attracted to and who I know find me attractive. We have been friends for many years, there have even been some awkward moments of poor judgment where we nearly let something happen, but it has never soured our friendship, never weakened it. Never changed its dynamic.

[MargaritaPeach]

There are some guy friends of mine that I have zero romantic or sexual interest in. And as far as I know, they have zero romantic or sexual interest in me. And we have been hanging out since college, which was almost 20 years ago. So, yeah... it works for some people. But there have also been plenty of friendships that have been broken off or faded out because the one sided attraction just made things too awkward. Some last, some don't.

[cipher42]

Yes, they can. If you were to say they couldn't, you'd basically be saying that pansexuals and bisexuals straight up can't be just friends with anyone. And that's damn ridiculous. But even for heterosexual people, it is absolutely possible to be just friends. I am friends with men who I know I will never find attractive, and who I'm pretty damn sure would never want to go out with me in a romantic sense.

[Azara]

of course. There are billions of people we meet that we are not attracted to and even if there attraction it doesn't mean you wnat anything and being opposite sex does not mean attraction. It is also possible to be attracted and not act on it.

I never and an innocent period where I did not have sexual feelings towards boys - I've had physical crushes since I was 4- but I still was able to be friends with them as a kid and I am as an adult.