He treated me like crap. do you think that the new girl changed him?

My ex was manipulative and verbally abusive. He's now with someone else, and it seems like it's going great with her! One day while we were together, he just stopped loving me and started treating me like sh*t for no reason. He told me that he is emotionless and insensitive. He would call me names and date behind my back. All of a sudden he's in love and just the best guy ever? He tells me that his Girlfriend doesn't want him to talk to me but he does anyways because he cares about me. But all he does is throw his new relationship in my face. I thought that we would be able to work things out eventually, but he just used my companionship till he found someone else. I wonder if he really did change for her.

hmm...interesting. well I can add that I'm stockbroker and he seemed to always compete with me on a professional level. but I got a job in a different city and I've started making friends with some genuinely nice, young men.
I'm really excited to get out there and date and use what I've learned to find what I really want. I have a chance to get some emotional as well as physical satisfaction. it's frustrating when he fails you in bed and in the relationship!


Most Helpful Guy

  • Why don't you start dating nice, non-abusive guys and not give a sh*t what this dude is doing? Follow dude's lead and move on already. This is what guys mean when they say that nice guys finish last, because you would rather be depressed and fantasize about getting together with this fecal-conduit than to even attempt to date a normal nice guy -- just don't be one of those girls that falls for guys like this and then complain that there are no good men out there.

    • "fecal-conduit" lol. I'm just not ready to date. I think I need some work. I would like to stop thinking about it though.

    • If you want to stop thinking about something that bothers you then do what us guys do ......drink

    • I know. fantasizing about that is really immature and unrealistic. he tried the "nice guy" persona in order to get me. when it wore off, I broke up with him. I suppose I fantasized about mister "nice guy" coming back.

What Guys Said 8

  • I don't think he has changed (or is capable of changing). His behavior shows deep insecurities and character disorder and that can not go away without psychological counselling. What you see now is a facade.

  • My take is, currently he is in the "honeymoon" period where he put his best forward and act the best he can be. Just like with you, he was nice and loving in the beginning, right? Looking at your experience, sooner or later this guy will get tired of the act and show her his true self just like how he did to you in the end. So, take him as he is now, not the person that he was when the two of you just get started seeing each other because the person that you know now is the real one. After all, that's why people go on dates to find out the true personality of a potential mate, no? Pay him no mind and move on...

    • Ur correct: there was a total personality change.

  • He sounds like an ass, and it takes time for this ass'ness to show up. Move on, you don't need a friend like that. Being his friend now might tempt you into being his girlfriend again later. RUN for your life. Thank your lucky stars that she took him off your hands. Find a guy who will treat you like you should be treated and don't give the ex another thought. Forget his name, he is a bad habit.

    Good Luck,


    • Show All
    • Gray hair? ok, mostly blonde.. lol.. but no problem.. thank you (I think). You sound like an intelligent woman, and I am guessing you knew he was not in your league when you posted your question. There is a GREAT guy out there looking for you. Good Luck.

    • I mean that totally as a compliment. and yes, he's outta my league. but additional incentive always helps. thank you!

  • He sounds like he is still the same to me.

  • As a man, I can tell that though most women expect their man to change over time, the men who change with time are few and far between. Its just a case of changed perceptions towards you which could be based on your importance to him. Often there is a world of difference between how a person treats another person based on their "need." In some cases this difference is very vast. When you are wanted, you are treated like heaven, when not needed, you are treated like crap. I am not saying your ex is like that, he could be like that...

    • Interesting perspective. we only want to eat when we're hungry, right! I guess some people approach love the same way.

    • Sick attitude but many have it...infortunately I have been involved with a few such girls...in fact I am with one such girl...not generalizing though men also have it...

  • If this guy's manipulating him, you're allowing him to do it.

    Closure is a myth. If this guy answered all your questions, you'd feel good for about 10 minutes. Then, new questions would come to mind. Only time and distance will help you recover.

    This guy sounds like bad news. Stay away!

    Good luck.

    • Well I hope that he's not happy in his new relationship. I don't see how he can be. just wait till that good ol honeymoon period is over and she finds out how cold and heartless he really is.

    • For only 3 months, I dated a girl who was emotionally abusive, and it twisted me up so bad I needed a year to recover. So I really sympathize with you.

      But cutting all contact for the rest of your life is the best way to recover and realize what a jerk he was to you.


  • Do yourself a favor and kick him outside your life, seriously, if everybody kept wondering about their ex's lives how is it going and chasing them and "wondering" wether if they have changed or not, then this world would lose most of it's population because of suiciding... sis listen to me, do you really want to stuck with a guy that is giving his emotions and everything nice to another girl? do you want to put yourself in this situation? forget about them, move to another city if possible, don't waste the forthcoming years of your youth on this.

    • I know, awesome advice. thanks.

What Girls Said 14

  • You said "he tried the "nice guy" persona in order to get me. when it wore off, I broke up with him "

    Well he is being the "nice guy" with her now,thats how they reel you and in the first place.

    Some time in the future she is going to be in your shoes,no doubt about it-Guys like this don't change,trust me I was with one for two years.

    Ill tell you something else,when I got with this guy,he had just split with another girl,she saw me and she said to me in tears "hes treating you better in a week then he did me in our whole relationship".

    Lol,that didn't last.

    He also used to say he was emotionless and insensitive-they must of gone to the same school lol.

    You also say he's "the best guy ever" suddenly-hes already disrespecting her by talking to you when she isn't comfortable about it,so don't even take it there.

    They don't change,because guys like this have serious personal issues,they just go on to do the same thing to someone else,trust me on that,they play the wolf in sheeps clothing,and when she is relaxing in the r.ship he will most likely switch it up.

    My advice to you is to stop worrying about what he is or isn't doing and why,and focous instead on yourself and getting over being in a relationship like this-you should be thankful you are rid of him now rather then later,he will never be nything but bad news so walk away with your head held high and forget him-hes someone elses problem nw.

    • Right, I think that a truly good man, or person in general, stays the same. they don't change into a monster when they get offended or when the relationship is no longer good. I've had mostly great relationships that were not hurtful in the end! "emotionless and insensitive" means that you have no feelings--just enough feeling to get what you want and stop when you want to leave. I suppse that I wanted to make sure that it wasn't my fault.

  • No hunnie, he is still the same asshole you fell in love with. He is just putting on a a show for her, you know pretending to be something he isn't to get her hook so he can start to treat her like sh*t just as he did with you. I know it hurts when someone you love treats you like crap and then goes onto someone else and treats them better but its all a front. Consider yourself lucky to be rid of this abusive douchebag.

    • Yes. he's studying to be an attorney. he's super intelligent, and knows how to maniplulate and abuse mentally without me even knowing itaf first! he simply lacks emotional intelligence.

  • yes new girls can change guys... The guy I just broke up with used to treat his ex;s like sh*t and he would be very shady and he like to play around... as much as he will never admit it... all of his friends have told me the stories... and after he broke up with girls he would be like f*** them I don't need them and then he would move on... welll he's in love with me... I was the girl that made him change.. I broke up with him because I feel like he needs to work on somethings and I'm really not ready for a serious relationship right now... we were getting really serious... but after I broke up with him he told me I usually just forget about the girls and move on and he's like I can't do that with you.. I think about you all day long...and I want to be with you.. he told me last night that if I would let him he would be with me for the rest of our lives... so that goes to show that just one girl can change a guy... I'm really sorry it wasn't in your favor tho :(

    • Hmmm...well you two broke up? lol. ok I was in a situation like this and the guy STILL calls me after 5 years. this current guy has told me that he needs to be friends with me, and a lot of the same things you have said.i see what you're saying though. I can see how this would be possible, if other factors had not been involved. I mean, ones that I did not write about in the post. to an extent you are correct, but I think that your philosophy is not applicable to this situation, but thank u:)

  • nah no way. he'll show his true self soon enough and do what he did to you to her. be glad you don't have to put up with him anymore and remember what he really is like, hell he might just be pretending to be a nice boyfriend to the new girl just to p*ss you off. if he did set out to do that he's getting there isn't he?

    beat him at his own game.

    • LOL! ok. yep I see ur point.

  • nope, he's already lying to her about talking to you. he hasn't changed. and he probably won't until he gets hurt. give their relationship time and he'll be doing to her what he did to you.

  • No don't drink. Just stay busy, and in time this will all blow over. You have to be strong, and girl No she did not change him. Men like that have to deal with their own personal issues on there own. No friend, lover, or family can do that. he has to do that for himself, and by himself.

    And stop feeling like crap. You know that none of that stuff he has said is true about you. Your beautiful! and he was just simply insecure. My mom tells me about guys like that all the time. When he was saying really t he stuff to you, he was really talking about himself.

    • Well I have a really healthy self-worth normally. he has alcohol addiction and that's how he coped after the break up. that's when I found out he was an alcoholic. I don't need all that I think I just need time. I'm thankful I'm at least that damn smart...lol...no addictions for me!

  • maybe he did. A lot of guys do with the next girl what they realize they should have done with you. You'fe just a stepping stone to him. Find someone who is a real man and can stand up to his new gf.

    • True to an extent. and right, he's an immature young man. the thing about moving to the next for no reason is how do you test your longevity and level of commitment. what's the use of changing if you can't work out ur problems with a woman that, otherwise, you are totally compatible with? one cannot redeem themselves by doing this. you simply begin to show, yet, another monster that you havenot faced yet.

  • The answer to that is no no and no. He will never ever treat any woman with the respect she deserves. If he has the audacity to tell you that yor 'not good-just decent'.. Your right..WTF? What on earth does that mean? I will tell you. It means he is an ego tripping, vain, selfish pig. And karma is a bitch and catches up on us all. And if he is that shallow you wait and see. When she realises it and he knows you are waiting on him he will be selfish enough to go another round with you just to satisfy his own ego. My advice is not to walk away from him...BUT RUN! No person has the right to disrespect you to that extent. People only treat you as bad as what you let them. I don't even know you or him but he has made me angry. Because men like him are a dime a dozen. You deserve better. Take care of u. Your the most important person at the moment. :)

    • "waiting on him". ur absolutely right. that's what I don't want. I'm trying to get over him because I don't want to be "available". so I changed my number and blocked my MySpace page. that's a start. I guess I just need to work on getting my self-esteem back to where it needs to be. I really like the type of person that I am and it would be said if I permanently changed because of this one person. thank u.

    • Change is all a part of growing up though, juat keep that in mind. IM not telling you to give him another chance, cause ur right. people change for their loved ones to keep them. You probably changed somehow for this guy to keep them you just don't know it. And yes, an emotionally abusive guy can change their ways, JUST as long as he takes the initiative to change. because if he's changing for u, he'll just go back to his ways b4. I hope all goes well for u.

  • No! He did not change! I had a boyfriend that did the same crap he was mean after a while and used to beat me. He pretended to love me in the beginning then just changed. He for sure didn't change for her. He's putting a littlE front until he knows he has her right where he had you and he will do the same things over but now to her! Guys don't change they just need time to start acting like jerks again! My advice is just don't talk to him anymore! He feels like he can count on you for anything for example if he leaves her he has you to fall back on! But it's all up to u!

    Best of luck


    • Yeah he keeps dating people back to back and just drinks and goes to the club when he's not with a woman. I'm sorry that happened to you!

  • Chances are he's doing the same to her as he did to you. A lot of people don't always let on that their relationship is in trouble, especially in front of an ex. He's throwing it in your face because he is NOT happy and he's trying to convince himself of it more than you. This guy has plenty of issues and not worth your time. You should be treated with respect and he's incapable. Leave him behind, even if he tells you he's changed and wants to give it another go- I'd bet my soul that he would only fall into the same pattern again. Be thankful it's over, you'd be more miserable with him than without him.

    • It surprised me that he was still talking to me after she told him not to! he said that he does anyway and that should show me how much he cares. funny stuff. not funny for her though.he still talks to women online and stuff like that.

  • Well, I don't think he is happy, I know from Expierence I was with my ex boyfriend for two years who as well was abusive mentally but also physically. After I finally left him like two weeks later I saw him with someone else and he clamied the same thing your ex is saying. Its been over a year and I ran into to him and he is mesirable. So it made me happy to know that despite the things he said to me I was really the better person. And so are you. I found someone else now who is more then I ever wanted. I think you should start dating it will make you feel better and its like having all the weight lifted off your shoulders

    • Yes I am looking forward to what the future holds for me. other than this, my life is great.

  • I know it may be hard to hear, but I think that this other girl was better for him. BUT even so, I still think that she is NOT "The One" for him, why? Because of the deception thing, knowing your girlfriend doesn't want you to do something as simple as that; and doing it to spite them, is just that spiteful. There is no spite in a truly loving romantic relationship.

  • He sounds like your classic narcissist if you ask me. Idealize, devalue, discard. I was w a man for 8 years. He put me on a pedestal, wined and dined me, said I was the one, etc. I fell for him hard. Over the years, he was cheating, lying, gaslighting and manipulating me. He gave me short bursts of so called love here and there to keep me hooked. In the end, he kicked me out of his house and started dating an acquaintance of mine before I could even move. He discarded me and even treated me like shit in front of her when I caught them hanging out together. This left my self esteem in the dust, emotionally battered and feeling so alone. It has been 7 months since and I am healing still each day. I believe he moved her in his house. I kind of think it's funny, because she is in for the same crap I went through. In due time. Not that she deserves it anymore than I did, but I've known her for years & she would hang out w me and the ex narc. She'll get whats coming, and he'll just repeat the cycle of emotional torment on women til he no longer has any game. Narcs are emotionless, unempathetic douche bags that only think about themselves. They never change.

  • nope. I suggest you read more stuffs about abusive men in relationships it'll be an eye opener on what a great con-artist these kind of men are. been in this kind of relationship before and it took me time to get myself back together. I feel more sorry for the girl she's seeing now.

    • Yeah I've been doing a lot of research. he even told me that his stepdad used to beat his mom everyday! so I did some research on people who come from really abusive homes also.