Society & Politics

On Expectations


On Expectations

People have blind spots: places we can't see.

Something might be there, but since it is just outside our view, we don't notice it, often times until someone points it out to us. Take expectations for example. We swim in an ocean of expectations and we don't even notice they are there.

An expectation can be defined as a belief (or mental picture) about the future. Our minds create expectations all day long as a way for us to predict what is likely to happen, what we want to happen, and what we think will or should happen, in an attempt to make sense of our world. If you look and see, you might have several undistinguished expectations about this article. For instance: that it will continue in English, that it will have a beginning and an end, that it was spell-checked and proof-read for errors. If any of these expectations were to go unmet, you'd likely feel some degree of bouleversement.

(Sorry, I wanted to make my point! That little bit of tension you just felt at not recognizing that word is what I'm referring to. It translates to “upset” for those who don't speak French.)

On Expectations

The old adage, "What you don't know can't hurt you," doesn't always apply.

When driving a car, if you don't see something in your blind spot, you have the potential to cause an accident, and someone could get hurt. Similarly, when going through life with undistinguished expectations, what we don't know can hurt us, or at least disappoint us.

Some expectations are reasonable: the sun will rise tomorrow; if I let go of an object it will fall to the ground; I probably won't win the lottery. And, some are unreasonable: my wife will keep the house as neat as I do; my boyfriend better know when I am mad, and why!, I'm going to win the lottery!

Depending on the reasonableness of the expectation, when one goes unfulfilled, we are likely to experience some sort of upset. Our knee-jerk reaction can vary from becoming disappointed, annoyed, frustrated, and mad, to getting our feelings hurt. This can cause harm not only to our relationships with others, but to our relationship with ourself. The reason being, often when our expectations don't get met, we automatically misplace the blame on our partner, or even inanimate objects, when the source of our upset is actually something internal.

We've all been there. We accidentally unplug a lamp and out of frustration say, “Stupid lamp!” We stub our toe in the dark and blame the chair. We can't get the garden hose to coil up nicely and we get mad at the hose. The car in front of us is driving below the speed limit and we become irate with the driver. Our lunch date is late and we get impatient with them. Our partner forgets our anniversary and we accuse them of not caring. These are typical examples that happen every day.

Perhaps you can see clearly that in these examples that it's not the lamp or the chair or the hose causing the upset. But with the other examples it might be a little harder to recognize. You might be thinking, “but, they should be driving the speed limit!” or, “they should be on time!” or “they should remember!” And this is exactly the problem.

On Expectations

Maybe you're right, and they should. But guess what? They didn't!

Your instinctual reaction gets in the way of your peace of mind, and likely your intended result as well. Blaming the hose doesn't get it coiled up, nor does blaming the other person get you to your destination, or your date to show up, any sooner.

You had an expectation, a mental picture of the future, that life should be a certain way; but it didn't turn out that way. You had an expectation, a belief about the future, that someone should have been a certain way; but they were not that way.

Can you see that what irritates us might not be what's happening out there? What if it's not that they are driving too slow, or showing up late, or forgetting our anniversary? What if instead it's our expectation not coming true that's bothering us.

Consider that this difference, between our idea of how it ought to be and the reality of how it actually is, is the source of our upset, our disappointment, and our frustration.

The next time something is rubbing you the wrong way, ask yourself: “What did I think would or should have happened? What happened instead?” Noticing this difference is the first step to setting yourself free.

We can be effective with people and have happy relationships, when we distinguish our expectations, determine whether they are reasonable or unreasonable, and let go of the ones that cause us to be upset. While these invaluable skills are not inborn, they can be learned. I have devised a simple method that I teach my clients so they can immediately dissolve their upsets and let them go. If you are interested in learning how, I'd be happy to work with you. Otherwise, don't expect your upsets to go away on their own.

On Expectations

Written by Caren Field

Caren Field is an individual and couples counselor who teaches people how to get out of their own way so they can create healthy and happy partnerships with the people that matter most to them. Her on-line courses Partnership Q&A Call Program and The Path to Partnership Bootcamp is designed for smart, successful people who are open to learning and willing to do what it takes to become an amazing partner.

Check out Caren Field's Profile

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