Being on a site that is entirely formatted around providing opinions and perspectives on a variety of questions, you do not have to travel very far at all to see this type of communication taking place. Whether it be a question about personal relationships, a tricky situation in a person's life, trying to understand a new dilemma, or just posing a question for the sake of discussion, people are providing varying insights 24/7 to others.
This isn't far removed from broader society "in real life" either. From the time we're old enough to communicate as children, we're also taught HOW to communicate. Politeness and manners, addressing conflict, accepting and understanding differences, and making your point known and understand are just a few of the lessons we learn early on. However, since we learn from those around us...are we also being misled by others who are also as inexperienced or misguided as we are?
Stopping short of yet another "political correctness is eroding our society" rant, what can be said is that society's renewed focus on being metacognitively aware of yourself and your words AT ALL TIMES seems to have also encouraged a particularly bad practice. That practice is the use of assumptions and vaguely-understood ideas to fill our gaps in knowledge and to clarify things we aren't exactly sure of. As per the topic of this Take, the focus will be on the widespread "don't step on anyone's toes" philosophy.
It's hard to pinpoint exactly when this sort of behavior started, or what even caused it. It is now very noticeable and widespread, however, so determining the when's and why's are moot points. What is also noticeable is: many people are more concerned with not being perceived as some sort of enemy or causing offense to others, rather than letting their voice be heard. In addition to this, hardly anyone could actually answer "Why must I be so afraid of these things?" or "Why must I shield others from my own beliefs?".
There is no single, solid truth to these dilemmas except for this: we all live in this pot together. So common sense dictates that we can't avoid running into each other in some form or fashion. Whether it's in the form of friendliness, conflict, or some other possibility in between, intercommunication is inevitable. However, isn't it also the case that being in such proximity, we learn and emulate those around us as well? So the first assumption many people make is "Well this person acts this way, so does that person, and those people too...it MUST be the norm". Teaching in the form of social conditioning, or a case of sheep leading sheep?
The idea that you must respect each and everyone opinion or viewpoint in the world is absurd. The implication behind respecting their opinions (in this day and age) is to NOT engage in discussion, to NOT create a conflict, to NOT form an opinion of that person or their viewpoint, and to NOT cause offense to them. The reason this is simply ridiculous is because you willingly (or unwillingly) forfeit your own right to have a stance on a person or topic, but only after being subjected to another person's right to expression. Obviously, if you don't care to discuss, debate, or butt heads with a person, then you'll likely just let the situation slide. But avoiding the response of forming an opinion and judgment on a person or topic out of fear of shame or conflict is a huge misconception taught to children or adopted by adults that is actually hampering healthy and safe interaction between people. This avoidance of a mild form of conflict is slowly teaching some people, among other things, to not feel accountable for what they feel, say, or do. While it teaches others to submit to others in order to avoid that first little feeling of discomfort. A small feeling of discomfort causes a person to avoid standing up for themselves entirely, and this is not seen as a problem to address?
However, this idea of "letting things slide" is applied to many different situations without regard to WHY or WHAT an appropriate response is. You just heard someone say that they are Jesus reincarnated? Let it slide, don't engage them with whatever they have going on, and continue about your day- great! You are discussing a course of action with a friend, relative, romantic partner, boss, co-worker, teacher, fellow PTA parent, or anyone in your life...and they are asserting a position that you either don't agree with or that actually detriments you- not great! Is conceding to avoid conflict REALLY that much easier than the consequences you face for not taking your own assertive stance?
Keep in mind (and this might address or challenge the confusion mentioned prior) that assertiveness, confrontation, or conflict may be uncomfortable- but it is not deadly, nor does it have to be rude or nasty. People are so used to being heard and expecting this "respectful treatment" that anything less is considered a shot across the bow. This is especially true with the rise of the internet, messaging and forum sites, or advice sites such as GAG. These platforms give people the gratification of having a soapbox to stand on and be heard by anyone in the world. So to challenge this intimacy and sense of self-importance is akin to an outright insult or challenge to the person's face. However, this concept applies to you as well. Despite what you have been told or believe to be true, you aren't entitled to an audience for your expression nor total agreement (or silence from those who disagree). Freedom of speech and expression also implies the freedom to be ignored or disagreed with. It's a reality we all have to accept.
But once again, why is this coddling the obligation of anyone else but the person in question? "Respectful" has lost its meaning and has given way to "submission". The assumption people carry into these situations is one of two ideas (if not both):
- "If it's not X, it MUST be Y" (black and white thinking)
- "If X and Y are together, then Z MUST also be the case as well" ("appeal to probability" fallacy)
So many people (perhaps even some reading this) feel that the suggestion is to stop being respectful, which would create mean and nasty people relentlessly starting shouting matches with each other. But this isn't the case. The issue I am addressing here is the hijacked meaning of the word "respectful", not it's actual meaning. It's the difference of a word in common usage vs. the actual definition.
Being respectful IS:
- not personally attacking a person
- not insulting a person
- not acting unreasonably towards a person
- not talking down to a person.
Being respectful ISN'T:
- confusing disagreement with being a put-down
- fearing for personal safety due to disagreement
- thinking that submission is truly the easier route
- equating 'respect' to "if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing"
What is required of you when confronted or exposed to a different viewpoint than your own? Absolutely nothing. You handle everything "required" with your natural reaction of acknowledgment. If a person told you they like Italian food over any other food, you don't have to agree with that person, share in their belief, or do anything else. But just by the simple fact that you know this person prefers Italian food, you've done what is reasonable instead of denying the obvious happening right in front of you. What if you don't agree (and feel like discussing food preferences)? Tell them so, they can handle it. You having a different opinion will not kill either of you, and it will only turn ugly if you or the other person(s) can't handle your differences without getting overly emotional about it.
That's it. There was no conflict involved in that, no discomfort that you can't learn to manage, and most important of all: no concessions caused by fear of conflict. I've learned (especially in my professional life) that one of the worst things you can contribute to a situation is...to not contribute. Again, don't make the assumption that just doing something, ANYTHING will make the sun shine again. But the first step to asserting yourself in life is not even learning how to manage conflict, but how to strip away what you've been taught about AVOIDING conflict.
So the next time you post a question or answer on this site, share views with someone in conversation, or anything related to expressing yourself...leave out the "No offense..." or "Don't take this personally" prefaces. It is not your job to protect everyone else from being offended, nor are you helping yourself by avoiding how to be reasonably assertive. This implies nothing about being a harsh, crude person...only that you aren't so guided by fear and discomfort that you surrender yourself in life.
Practice makes perfect, but you're avoiding practice. Why?
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