Is "the spark" something you can grow into? Or am I just wasting both of our time?

[liquidlithium]

So here's some background. I broke up with my ex in October (we were together for three years and lived together) About two months ago I met this guy. He's not my boyfriend, because we just want to take things slow, but he's the only person I'm dating and its the same thing for him. He's a really really great guy, he has so much going for him. He has a great job, he's completely stable, has money to be able to pick up and go on vacation pretty much whenever he wants. He's attractive and he treats me like gold, someone who I could really settle down with. But it just feels like there's something missing, and its driving me crazy because its like what more do I want? I wanted a guy (my ex) for three years like crazy and he treated me like dirt! But the problem is I'm just not feeling that "spark" thing. I feel like, I could totally be happy with this new guy, with no worries, its hard to explain but I'm looking for that feeling like "you just can't live without them" type deal and I'm just not getting that. Is it something I will grow into, in all my relationships its happened right away. Or am I just prolonging the inevitable? Do you think I'm settling? :( ...I don't know what to do because I really do love his company and I would never want to hurt him. I feel like I'm in some weird relationship limbo or something :(

Updates

+1 y

I don't want people to judge me or think I'm insensitive or mean. I want to know because I'm only 22, I've had long term relationships with 3 other people 4yrs, 1yr, and 3yrs all of which I had the "spark".

Updates

+1 y

I don't know how to explain it its just how I feel, I can't help that. The reason for the question is because I basically want to know if it even matters, because I don't know. I have my own good paying job, I'm not using him

Updates

+1 y

I would never want to hurt him, which is why I want to know if its something that will grow with time, or if my bond to him will grow with time, because I don't want to waste his time, or my time.

Updates

+1 y

If I was using him I'd just say f*** it, who cares ill just squeeze him for everything he has and then peace when I get bored. But its not like that. I DO care about him. I want happiness for him whether its with me or not.

Updates

+1 y

And I don't want to be the cause for breaking his heart. I've had it done to me way to many times to be able to bring myself to do that to someone else.

Updates

+1 y

What I don't want is to lead him on, so if I'm not going to grow into it, I want to spare him of that hurt.

[nicole36]

AH I feel as if I'm listening to myself speak. My story is the same with just some minor differences. I haven't really been in a long relationship prior to this one. I started dating this guy in my college town just one month before I moved two hours away. The past eleven months have been spent long distance and I have been completely faithful. However I haven't had any temptation while working at a job that employed mostly all females and living with my family and going to school. Now that I'm at a new job and have met new people I have found someone there who makes me remember what the butterflies are and remember what its like to anticipate seeing someone... and I swear this feeling was immediate. Its making me question if I could remain faithful forever to my current boyfriend because of how nervous I feel of giving into this new temptation. My current boyfriend has supported me emotionally, has gone out of his way to make me happy, cares deeply about my well being and ultimately just wants me to see me succeed and content no matter how. He told me he loved me in the first month when he took me to meet his family. I have grown to love him too but I struggle with the thought of being "In love" with him... people say you will always know when they are "the one" but I can honestly say I DON'T KNOW...logically he is the one but I have never had that chemistry with him and I doubt we ever will. We do have a very successful intimate relationship, and I hug and kiss him all the time... I go out of my way to be with him but sometimes I feel as if I'm just going through the motions. We are due to live together in about 9 months... I have some serious soul searching to do because although I would never leave him for this guy who I really connect with at work (this new guy is in a work release program after serving time in prison... go figure) but I was thinking why can't I feel this way about the person who I am currently with? Its driving me crazy! I almost feel like I should go and cheat and get it out of my system but I know that is a slippery slope... you can't have your cake and eat it too right? I just don't want to end up married with kids 10 years from now and be seeking attention from other men after being deprived of the feeling for so long... I'm a mess... can you tell?

Hope we both find our solutions!

best of luck to us both!

-Nicole

[LaurenNC84]

I agree with oblique, it begins with a spark. If there's no spark in the beginning and even after a short period of time of "dating" then chances are there never will be and you're just settling because you don't want to be alone. Girls and some guys get comfortable with guys who they've been with for a long period of time, and when they break up they move to the next guy who comes along because you don't want to be alone, you want that company that you had before. If you think by telling him you're going to hurt him, think about how bad it will feel to him after time passes and he develops deeper feelings for you, when you're still at the ehh I don't like him stage. It is going to hurt him worse than it will if you're straight up with him now, and if he is mature he will respect you for your honesty! You just need to tell him and start dating other guys to find the SPARK, and unfortunately when we date guys who aren't the greatest to us, we tend to keep going for that type. Possibly it's because we're just used to it and that's all we know, or maybe it's just that we want to be with someone so much we don't really care about everything in between the happy times. You will find a guy who gives off the spark and treats you exactly how you should be treated, it will just take time. I was in the same position, and could even be married by now but I wasn't feeling it and I was honest with him from day one. Yes I kinda broke his heart, but he was the type that fell in love fast and I couldn't help that. By being upfront with him though we were able to remain friends who could talk if we saw each other out in public or even a text here and there!

[liquidlithium]

Thats what I'm afraid of. That I'm keeping him because I'm lonely, because my breakup from the last guy really destroyed me, and it killed me everyday until I met this new guy. But my problem is I just don't know if I'm feeling this way because I'm still closed off and scared to get hurt again...

[LaurenNC84]

If I were you I would try to go out with different guys and still talk to this one but don't exclude all other guys. Explore what else there is and what else you may click with....if you end up leaning toward this new guy then there actually is a spark there its just not as bright as past ones. If you don't want to date other guys, then you should just take time out for yourself, without guys. Hang out with friends and go out, have fun without the worries of having a boyfriend back home!

[liquidlithium]

Yea good idea, thanks :)

[Nikidoll17]

Thing is like you said there is something missing, I'm not saying your using him trust me I understand how you feel, I've been there before, Its like he's perfect in a 'every woman would kill for a man like that 'kind of way. but like you've specified something is missing and you don't feel like you would do anything for him and die for him, the way your suppose to feel when your in love...
The spark usually starts from the beginning a touch of a hand or eyes meeting or whatever that sappy stuff. or it can happen later on when to people are together and spend time together.. so nobody on here can choose for you, At the end of day you have to make your own decisions. Really think on it. tell him to give you some time. stay to yourself and think hard on it because if you let him go many women would die to get their hands on him but don't just keep him to yourself for that sake. and don't take it that far where your at the altar and you realize he's not the one. you should try and understand his feelings to because he could get seriously hurt at end too if you pull the altar stunt. Anyway do what would make you happy cause you got the rest of your life to live and you don't wanna do things that make you regret or have an angry and hurt ex to haunt you. YOLO. I wish you the utmost luck
And secondly I read your comments you two are two different people there are things you both will agree and then disagree on that's how it is. but if he makes you laugh , and makes you happy without putting his hand in his wallet or pants I suggest you stay with him.

[ObliqueStrategies13]

I think "the spark" is over-rated.

In my experience, relationships that start with "the spark" have a great beginning. But those relationships tend to burn out quickly. They're short, but intense relationships. Healthier relationships are like a campground fire made of hard woods: they take a while to get burning, but they hold their heat for a much longer time.

It's unhealthy to have that "I can't live without you" feeling. That's *not* a good feeling. That feeling means you're blending into the other person and losing sight of your identity. That's extremely unhealthy.

You're not settling. Many people (more women, but some guys, too) think a relationship is about constant excitement and thrills, and that anything else is settling. Not true. Relationships have ups and downs. Your feelings change. Their feelings change.

You're in a transition phase in your life. You said the ex treated you like dirt, but you wanted him! That was unhealthy. Now, you've met a guy who treats you good, and you have a healthy relationship -- but you're confused because you're used to unhealthy relationships.

Imagine your uncomfortable feelings are like a leg that's fallen asleep because you sat on the sofa all day. It's okay when your leg's numb. But there's a few minutes where the feeling comes back to your leg, and your leg hurts like crazy because it's in a transition. Now, your relationship is a bit like that leg. You're in a weird transition.

I don't know if that example is the best, but I hope it illustrates my point: you're in a good place, but you don't know it yet because you're not accustomed to good places.

Be patient with yourself. You're learning. You'll gradually learn what an amazing situation you have with this guy.

Good luck.

[dwnmp3]

Well put

[JustDance]

Well said man. But that "chemistry" that happens at the beginning is SO addicting. When it happens, it's magic.

[liquidlithium]

Wow that was really well put, and makes so much sense. I figured it was something I was being a little silly about, and maybe even I'm still not quite ready, or not quite over what my ex did. I'm going to give this guy a full chance, and let go of the whole spark thing, because your right, me and my ex had it, and in the end he completely fell short of who I thought he was. A+ on "I can't live without them" is unhealthy, just reading it again, I would have said the same thing. So thank you :)

[kdizzleforizzle91]

I agree with this advice too. Just enjoy the good things you have. Don't think that because you might not of had good treatment before, that you don't deserve it.

[KoiaVette]

True words! The spark comes from newness and trying something that excites you. You always have to work to keep it long term anyway. Sometimes love and intimacy is beyond sparks after you've really been through life with your mate.

[bricar2]

Do you think if he treated you like crap you'd feel a "spark"? Think about it. Are you attracted to the bad boy, cocky-arrogant types who often don't make you a priority? So you're always trying to fix something in the bad boy, always trying to get his attention? You better learn to avoid those types early on. I've found that women will say they just want a nice, normal guy, but when they find that guy he just doesn't do it for them. Women always seem to want to turn the arrogant jerk-types into the nice guys they never want in the first place.

In whatever I'm going through I always try to find the positives. Think about all your current guy's positives though. Is he attentive to you? Does he bring you flowers out of the blue? Does he make you a priority? Does he drink? Does he do drugs? Does he have anger issues? Does he hit you? So on and so on.

I think life is full of compromises and making the best of those compromises. The older you get the more you tend to forgive and overlook things. No one is perfect.

[loomydarling]

Honestly I just got out of a relationship with exactly the same characteristics, he was a piece of shit. Now I'm dating some one who is super sweet and were both taking it really slow but I feel the same way as you. I feel like it a missing something and then I think to my self Okay, you were with some one you fought with daily, invested energy and wasted it for 2 years. Of course it isn't going to feel the same in your next relationship. You as a woman had had good and bad times with your ex, if it was anything like my relationship it was extremely passionate only because we knew what we could put each other through and still be there for one another. (Not talking about cheating) it made a really close bond. More like I love to hate you or I hate to love you type deal. Anyways, you have to realise that after that relationship you as a person have grown so much. The little things that used to "spark" your interest aren't going to be the same as they would 3 years ago, and either are the things that made you want to need to be with them and only them. I think the fact that your mind and heart are putting up a wall to slow you down even more are awesome because like I said I'm going through the same thing right now. It helps you keep a lid on those stupid spur of the moment feelings and actually let's you look at this person as a person and not as a want or need. Take the time to observe them and actually communicate with your self and see if this is some one you actually want to invest time into. Give your self another month or so and see if it even feels like it's going anywhere. If it feels like this is as good as it's going to get and you don't feel the passion or desire then yes call it quits. Other than that good luck on your New journey and take it one day at a time

[Lis4Loca]

Weirdly, I just broke up with a guy that I felt the same way about. He was perfect, but there was something missing. Almost like, I really liked him as a friend but not in a romantic way.

I think in order to like someone, they have to have some quirky qualities about them that don't make them 'the perfect guy for you,' for instance they drive you nuts sometimes, they have bad habits, etc. Something about them makes them imperfect. At least this is the case for me. Who wants to date someone who's boring? Sounds like you two don't have firey chemistry.

Girls like guys that are assholes. Girls like the chase. They pursue a guy more often that plays hard to get, or treats them like they aren't the #1 priority.

[liquidlithium]

Thats really true, I did love my ex like that, and trust me he was no where near perfect, but I loved him for that. He was like me, but a man, we were like the same person and I loved that, he was my best friend. And although me and this guy get along great, he is almost like the opposite of me, we listen to completely different music, he's more reserved, I'm kind of a spitfire...maybe that has something to do with it

[Lis4Loca]

The fact that you are more outgoing and a spitfire probably means you need to find someone that's equally interesting

[good-looking-geek]

About this guy you are dating now, he treats you with the respect you desire. But does he make you laugh? Can the two of you finish each other's sentences in a conversation? Can he say things that captivate you? Can he say things that make you think in such a way that you want to think? When he speaks to you, do you just want to listen to him even more? He doesn't necessarily have to be funny all of the time; that would actually be a bad thing. But do his mannerisms, tone of voice, choice of clothes, and choice of words draw you closer to him? It is these things about a man that trigger the "spark" you are looking for.

In one short question, does he have charm?

It is one thing to be good-looking, financially stable, and a gentleman to a lady, but it is another thing to be charming, seductive, and irresistible to a lady!

[liquidlithium]

Thats exactly my problem, that's what I'm missing. And I don't know if it has to do with maybe I'm still closed off with my ex and maybe over time things will get better. I mean, obviously there's something there, I do miss him when were not together, but he's the first person I've dated since my ex. I just don't want to be that girl who strings someone along, but I don't want to give something that could potentially be great because of something foolish like a "spark" that I can't even explain myself.

[good-looking-geek]

Invest your time and energy into this new guy. Laughter and smiles are conclusive that the "spark" is flourishing in the relationship. Try to get him to laugh or smile, and then maybe he will react to return the favor. Give him some encouragement when it comes to having intimate conversations. Maybe he has the "spark" in him, but maybe he won't release it on his own. Perhaps you have to release it for him.

[liquidlithium]

Hmmm good point/idea

Ill have to try that, thanks.

[mimi4]

You are spon on babe. ugh! it reminds me of my ex. it was amazing and that's exactly what he was like. the only reason why I can't move on from him is because I haven't found anybody else who I feel the same way about that I did to him

[liquidlithium]

Maybe that's my problem...maybe I'm still comparing him to my ex...

[bgreek1]

I have to disagree with the women.

And no doubt,and no question side with the men here.

Having that spark is way over rated and why?

Because having that spark is good,but it can disappear than what?

CAN YOU SAY?BEND OVER AND TOUCH YOUR ANKLES

And women say their are no good guys out there

That's total BULLSHIT their are plenty of great guys out there

And this is another way women can be JUDGEMENTAL towards great guys

When ohhh when will women ever learn?

I guess that's what they get for maturing faster than boys

NO COMMON SENSE

[liquidlithium]

Im not being judgemental of this, some of you are not getting this at all. I love spending time with him, he DOES make me happy, but there's just something that feels like its missing, I can't help the way I feel. And I don't know if it has to do with the fact that I'm still not quite over my ex and what he did and I have my guard up? But whatever it is, all I wanted to know was DOES the spark matter, I never said it had to be there, its just that I had it with all my other boyfriends.

[mimi4]

he sounds like an amazing guy, wish I could find one like that!

i think stick with him for a while, my ex boyfriend was crazy infatuated by me in the begining and I was like, yeah maybe I like him a bit. and it took time untill I felt that spark, but when I did I was cray about him too. so it wasnt straight away it took me like 2 months max. how long have you been seeing this guy for? I think give it a chance babe don't think a bout it too much, all females over analyse. don't think about it and let things happen naturally, trust me you'll feel that spark in no time and it will come when you least expect it, so don't force it upon yourself. it'll happen! we love the spark! aha

[liquidlithium]

Yea its actually just been shy of two months that we've been dating. And maybe your right, it is something you can grow into. I just didn't know because with each of my other relationships it happened right away. And its the same thing, I know he at this point is feeling it more then I am. I think maybe I'm just closing myself off because I'm still hurt from my ex..

[mimi4]

Thats definately one of the reasons I think, I'm the same with the guy I'm seeing and I think because I'm still hurt from my ex that its stopping me from putting myself out there the way I usually do.. hows it going?

[liquidlithium]

Its still the same, I find myself really liking him at times, and then all of a sudden I feel like, no maybe he's not for me...and its not for any reason really, my ex meant everything to me, so maybe its just because I'm not over it, but when I compare the two its like this new guy doesn't even come close.

[shabudah]

My last relationship mirrors yours to the letter except that my ex and I dated for 4 years instead of three. We decided to take a break, but talked frequently over the next 2.5 yrs. Recently, I cut off all ties with him because it was very clear to me that although he was a "great" catch, he was not "my" great catch. Regardless, he has been dating someone for 7 months and finally agreed to my communication cut off. I guess he realized that 80-85% satisfaction is good, but not enough for his lifetime, too.

Spark does fizzle, but passion, connectedness, chemistry do not; they grow from the seeds that were in any relationship from the start.

[BrettH]

i really haven't understood the whole "sparks" crap. and I've only heard women talk about it. last girl I wanted to date wouldn't date me becasue of she didn't feel the "sparks" but she said that I was perfect in every other way just no sparks.

so really what is "Sparks" and why does it stop women from dating great guys and going to the assholes who treat them like sh!t?

[lolfreddy]

Sparks = an excuse to dump you. lol

[liquidlithium]

I don't know what it is and that's the problem, if I knew I would tell him to do it! lol its just a feeling when your around that person, and don't get me wrong, this new guy DOES make me feel something, he totally does or I would waste my time. But it feels just like somethings missing...but maybe its my deal, maybe its has something to do with me..

[BrettH]

Lol lolfreddy so true...

[lolfreddy]

You're like every other girl whos like that, You like the asshole guys that treat you like sh!t. Here you have an awesome guy, who loves you and is not afraid to share his hard earned money yet you have this mentality "I can do better". Seriously what is it that you want? Because you need to talk to him and stop wasting his time, money and love.

[liquidlithium]

Well A) were not "in love" I've only known him for two months

and B) sure he spends some money on me, but I spend money on him too, no ones using anyone here, it has nothing to do with that, if I didn't give a shit I wouldn't care to ask about this, and ride the train out to see what would happen. But its not like that I CARE!!! Don't make me seem like some insensitive bitch because I'm not.

[lolfreddy]

Well then word things a little better. Because as I read that it felt that you were just using him, and that you weren't sure if you wanted to stop and move on to someone else. If its not working for you then end it. 2 Months is nothing, and if you already feel that it doesn't feel right then do the right thing.

[liquidlithium]

How would you get from what I said that I'm using him? Because I said he's stable and treats me like gold? Treating me like gold had nothing to do with spending money on me, I meant he just really shows that he cares about me and cares how I feel and things like that. Its not that I'm not into him, it just feels like there's something missing, and I don't know if that's normal after getting your heart ripped out by someone else or not, that's why I'm asking.

[Notwearinghockeypads]

I was ghosted by a girl last year for basically this reason. We met through OkCupid and after meeting up for coffee we went out on two separate dates, on the 2nd date she said she wasn't feeling a connection (despite us cuddling, holding hands and even kissing) so yeah that seemed weird that she wasn't. A couple days later she was telling me we could try going out again because she said "I'd rather try than wonder". Anyway a couple weeks go by and we weren't able to get together and she eventually disappears on me in early September. She recently apologized to me saying it was nothing I did but apparently moved to Montana in November of last year with some guy she had only known for like 2 and a half weeks. So yeah I don't get the whole "spark" thing, I mean I certainly felt like there was potential with this girl but for whatever reason she didn't feel the same and ended up not wanting to try to work at it.

[HeAdCasE]

Thank you for posting this question.

I am in a relationship just like this, and I'm having a hard time deciding if he is the right one because of the stupid "spark" crap.

So how is everything? Are you still with this guy? Have things gotten any better?

[Faith121]

I've been in the same situation, I couldn't feel a spark but I knew that he was such a great guy that I didn't want to loose. I ended up calling things off and it was the biggest mistake I've ever made. Sparks can definetly develop over time, he is now with someone else and there isn't a day that doesn't go past that I don't wish things were different. Sometimes you won't realise what you've got until it's gone!

[shadowofthebat]

I just got dumped by someone that "didn't feel" a spark. We were more compatible than anyone could ever be. She, like you, compared to her past relationships... guys that abused and hurt her.

YOUR IDEA OF A SPARK IS INSANELY FLAWED!!! CHOOSE THIS NEW GUY WHO TREATS YOU WELL AND STOP COMPARING HIM TO YOUR PAST!!!

[lolfreddy]

So spare him off the hurt because the longer you wait the deeper the roots and the harder it will be for him to move on. C'mon, think about it.

[liquidlithium]

Thats why I want to know if it matters!!!!

But I don't KNOW if I'm being stupid or not for thinking that way

like thinking that the "spark" is something that even matters anymore these days

[ayerhockee]

you've only known him two months..it takes longer then that to really know someone...so I would give it a little more time...

[liquidlithium]

Yea maybe your right.

[mogi139]

I went through this same thing. Just came off a relationship of sparks and a jerk. Then started dating this really great guy. I broke it off because it didn't feel the same. I think it was more that "I wasn't being receptive to him." Anyway, a year later, he's finally given me another chance and I'm excited to where things are going because now I am receptive to whatever happens.

[Anonymous]

Hey girl, It's okay to see all the qualities in the guy and still not feel the connection. He may have a good resume, but that doesn't mean the two of you will have that connection. If you all can't have a blast doing simple things together-it sounds more of a lack of friendship. Yes, you may know a lot about one another but if you are missing the friendship part, you're missing everything. Just accept the fact that you need something other that what he provides, and find it!

[liquidlithium]

It almost feels like that's what I'm missing. I connect with him in ways, but there's a lot of ways that I dont, but I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. I just don't want to string him along and hurt him, because as much as I know what that's like, he just got really hurt from his last relationship too...we do have a blast together, but for some reason it just feels different from what I had with my ex.

[rocksongwriter]

He treats you TOO well. He is basically supplicating & that's what is turning you off. That's the problem.

[Lis4Loca]

Exactly

[L-I-F-E]

i know how you feel ur not alone...check my last post...and answer it :)

[AbeautifulSoul]

I agree about "the spark" thing IS WAY OVER RATED.

It eventually leaves and then what your stuck with some piece of crap without a job and can't support you? Fuck that...

This guy sounds like a good catch sweety, keep it going.

[Nouni77]

Hi
May you please let me know what did you do about this? I read your issue and it's like I'm thinking out loud; I'm going through the same and I really don't know what to do..
Thank you!

[Porchgirl]

So I would like to know how this has worked out for you since it has been a year. I am in the same situation now and would love to hear the result.