How can I stop being TOO independent and let a guy in?

[Anonymous]

Being an independent woman is something I always admired in others, and I always wanted to become one myself. Well, it seems that because of how much life kicked my butt the last few years, I have become SUPER independent, pretty much can do anything myself and very, very rarely ask anyone for help, even with very manly tasks. I also HATE when people try to tell me what to do, how to live my life, or try to give me unsolicited advice. I absolutely hate even more when someone insults my intelligence by implying that I am not capable of doing something myself.

Now in just my own personal life, all of these qualities of independence and being able to take care of myself would be great. BUT, I feel like they are also hurting me and any dating/relationships I get into. I can't seem to know how to feed a man's ego like some girls do, by letting the guy do things for them or keep telling him how awesome he is at everything. If I don't actually think that, it's hard for me to lie about it. I think it becomes a problem when a guy just "expects" me to do some things for him, or tries to make me do things, or when he thinks that he walks on water when I feel like I am way more accomplished (and trust me, I am very modest and would never say something like that to anyone in real life).

I would love to compromise, but I can't get myself to do something I don't like to do, even if it's something he would enjoy. I feel like every time a guy asks me to do something I don't like, I am going to explode. I guess I always imagined that if I find the right guy, we will just enjoy everything about each other and I won't need to change who I am to accommodate him. Am I living in some fairy tale imaginary world? lol.

So my question is - how can I become more... I guess submissive? And I don't mean become a complete slave, I just mean try to compromise and try new things with more excitement rather than frustration? How can I let go a bit of my independence and let the guy feel like the manly man once in a while?

I have always struggled with this, and I think it is really hurting my relationships, because I always feel like I want to "wear the pants" and be the person who knows how to handle anything lol. Any help much appreciated!

[kholland65]

First of all, independence is a broad term. When a guy says he likes an independent women, what he means is he likes a women who doesn't need him, but still wants him. Many independent women, are emotionally distant. They carry around this attitude of "I don't need a man". That very attitude will turn guys a way.

In practice, what this means is, we want a girl that isn't going to have an emotional break down if she can't see us for a day, or isn't going to expect to talk to us on the phone every hour, or doesn't need us to make all her life decisions for her, etc. Basically a guy doesn't want to feel like he's baby sitting a child, which unfortunately many women have come to expect. Girls are not raised like boys to have the same level of self sufficiency so some girls who lack self motivation, will simply just rely on a man to live her life for her. As a guy, being responsible for 2 lives is tough.

On the same token, guys are wired to want to be of service to women. We like to be your knight in shinning armor, even if that means just opening that pesky pickle jar. Biologically a man needs to be wanted women, and appreciated for his service. It's sort of like how women have this innate need to care for children. She feels empty without something to care for. We feel the same way when we don't have women to care for. This is why guys are always so quick to spring into action whenever they sense distress in a female.

The problem is that women rarely find the middle ground. They're either class 5 clingers, who couldn't figure out what to have for lunch if we didn't decide for them, or they act like men are worthless and nothing but a walking penis for her to use when its convenient. What it really boils down to, is women like you, come off as being masculine. Independent women, basically live the life of a man, which is a turn off. Men by nature, are dominant creatures. If a women gives off an alpha male type attitude, she seems less feminine and as a result less attractive.

When a guy tries to do something for you, give you advice, or help you, don't act like he's burdening you. To the guy, its like a child saying "mom I don't need you, leave me alone". It makes that mother feel very empty. You may truly not always need his help, but you have to understand that if you leave some of your alpha attitude at the door, guys are going to continue to pass you up, except for the ones who are submissive and want a girl to take charge of them and their life.

Point is, its OK to let him give you some advice, or to give you a ride, or help you open that jar, or to let us know you miss us. We won't consider you less of a women. However, if you ask us for favors on an hourly basis, or become a depressive mess because we didn't see you for a day, that's when its gone to far. Long story short, your acting like a guy, not a girl, which is not attractive.

[Asker]

You make very good points, and I think you are totally right. I did feel my whole life like I had more of a guy attitude than a woman's. I always liked to be the one chasing after someone, be the person they can rely on to "save the day," the person who can solve any problem and can do literally anything she puts her mind to. I was always taught it was a good thing, to be independent and take care of yourself... And now it turned against me :/ I should have been born a guy lol. Tx for comment!

[dipta]

That was an interesting read.

I was raised with my brothers, taught to be independent and basically never treated like a girl (except when it came to help out around the house), but guess even them love to give advice and open jars... Hmm

[kholland65]

A girl (and guy) can also be influenced by the way they were raised. Nature vs nurture. There is probably a little of both. Some girls are raised to be daddy's little princess. These women are very girly, may depend more on men, and have a less dominant personality. Some girls are raised like a boy. They may like male things, they'll usually be more independent, they're usually more dominant/type A, and they tend to be mentally/emotionally tougher (i.e. not getting scared or as easily upset).

[kholland65]

It's not that either is bad. Guys just tend to prefer a girl who falls more on the girlie side of the fence. Although every guy falls somewhere different in the spectrum, and as with anything, usually the extreme ends are never good.

[kholland65]

Also I should add, and this is very important. Do not exploit this trait in men. Many women do this either on purpose or by accident. They forget that men will easily drop everything to come to their aid. It's like a reflex. She'll use flirting and sex appeal to gain favors on a regular basis from men, since men naturally are more likely to give aid to women they are attracted to. Eventually the guys get privy and realize that the relationship is very one sided. They will drop you as a friend.

[Asker]

Lol I think I am on the opposite end of that. I put all the furniture in my house together by myself, because I did not want to ask any guy for help haha. I hate making people do things for me, especially when I know I can handle them myself. But, that also makes guys usually be afraid of me, because there is not much they can do to impress me :/ Ehh, why was I raised to be such a man-minded woman... :( I don't want to change who I am for a guy, but I don't wanna be alone either. This sucks lol.

[BatDoc]

You just haven't found the right man. A lot of men need to feel like the man. They need that sense of being the caretaker and the protector. But some guys, and they are few and far between so you're going to have to wait and look really hard to find them, some guys just don't care about that stuff. I'm that way. I like a girl who can do stuff on her own and doesn't need me to help her out all the time.

Okay, I started my response after reading only half of your question. As I got further into it, I realized, this is not so much about being independent as it is about being selfish. Now before you get mad and stop reading, hear me out.

The key statement that led me to selfish was "I feel like every time a guy asks me to do something I don't like, I am going to explode." Yeah, I can't break that down any other way than selfish.

Relationships are about give and take. I'm single by choice and the reason is because I'm literally just like you. I'm selfish too. And I'm the person that everyone comes to because I always have the answer or know what to do in a situation or know how to handle things. I've been married 6 different times and been in I-don't-know-how-many other relationships, and in all that time I learned that in relationships you spend a lot of time doing stuff that you don't want to do. So I just don't get into relationships any more and I do what I want.

So you have to make the decision. Do what you want and be in casual relationships or be in a serious relationship and do some stuff you don't want to do sometimes. There are benefits to each, although I prefer the do what I want casual relationships.

[Asker]

This is certainly an interesting perspective, and there is definitely some truth to it. I don't think of myself as selfish, as I am always ready to help others and would do anything for people I love. I guess I just like to do it freely though, rather than being forced to do something by a guy, you know? Maybe I worded it wrong before. I don't want to be selfish or not please my partner, but I also don't want to feel like I am losing who I AM... It seems hard to find that balance :(

[Asker]

Also, I can SO relate to what you said, because I hate the idea of being forced to do something I don't want to do. And I see so many serious couples that do just that - sacrifice so much of their own self to make the other person happy. I never understood it... Gosh, maybe relationships really aren't for me? That thought REALLY scares me though, because I HATE being alone and SO want to be in a serious relationship... I just always thought that the right guy would just accept me for me :/

[BatDoc]

There's a difference between being selfish and being insensitive or narcissistic. You can be selfish about your own life and still care about and help other people. But as you said, it is more about it being on your terms.

Losing part of who you are is part of being in a relationship. Any time two parts make a whole, something of the individual parts is lost. It is an unavoidable constant.

[Asker]

I guess that is the part that scared me and that I am subconsciously trying to prevent from happening :/ I can't imagine losing any bit of myself for another person, maybe I am just too selfish after all. I always thought someone would come along that would complete me, not break parts of me off lol. I will hope for the best! Thank you for your honest feedback.

[BatDoc]

Selfish isn't a bad word. And it's not a bad thing. It's just who you are.

[dons220]

I agree with BatDoc for the most part, and I would also say that you just haven't found the right guy for a serious relationship. I'm kind of like you in a lot of ways and I've been single for a very long time because of it. I hate compromise, and I don't want any real relationship I find myself in to be one where I have to compromise what I really want. I also don't care for the whole losing yourself in the other person, which a lot of people seem to like to do. I very much like to remain

[dons220]

separate from the other person for the most part, let them have their life and I'll have mine, and when we decided to spend serious time with each other we can do that when we both want to. And I know that sounds unlikely to find, but I've found it before. It just didn't workout for other reasons. So I would say you just haven't found the right guy, and that it isn't impossible for you to have a real relationship.

[dons220]

But it is hard to find. I won't lie. I'm younger than you guys but I've only found one girl that worked liked me so far. Or maybe one that was okay with compromising for me. But they're out there. If I've found one, I'm sure you can too. and I'm sure there are plenty of others where ever those two came from.

[Anonymous]

Haha, the best answer is so unromantic and depressing, and coming from a guy who was married 6 times? Omg

He's right in saying you're selfish and most relationships are about compromising and doing many stuff you don't like or at least don't really care about that much (not like I'm that experienced, but I'm not blind).

My opinion, or should I say my hope, is that someday you will really fall in love with someone and stop being the selfish you, because that's what love is about. If you can't put yourself second or at least don't feel the need to please him, then you don't really love that person. And vice-versa.

I never considered myself a selfish person as I do many stuff against my will and sometimes even better judgment to make someone else happy. But ever since I was a kid, I was always pretty independent and my parents and family complain to this day that I never ask for help... Anyway, I don't think it's a matter of being too independent but of letting the other person know you like them and appreciate them in other ways. Guess I just hope I will find some man who accepts me for who I'm because, although independent, I'm no James Bond and don't really care for superficial relationships (I care about people, I'm just not good at showing it and depending on them. I still like to feel cared about sometimes though).

[Asker]

First - I laughed histerically at your first sentence LOL. I guess it is a bit depressing lol. I actually just changed BA before even reading your comment lol.

But in all seriousness, I know what you mean. My parents always thought it was a bit of a bad thing that I was TOO independent, I wouldn't let anyone help me with anything. And I think you are right - I used to do things for my dad that I didn't like because I loved him so much. Maybe if the right guy comes along, I will do the same :)

[abundantlyrich]

You just need to be a bit more open minded and give him some leeway and listen to him a bit rather than thinking you're right all the time. The relationship is not all about you, let him in abit. :)

[Anonymous]

you will eventually meet somebody who won't make you want to be independent

[Asker]

I sure hope so, although it seems impossible to do :/ Every guy I like and start to get involved with, the moment he starts acting dominant and telling me what to do, I get so frustrated I can't handle being with him... Maybe I am just meant to be a cat lady lol.

[kholland65]

I think the reality is you just have an aggressive dominant personality, and you like to be in control. The reality though is most guys do not find this type of girl attractive. It's just not what we are predisposed to like, just like most women, don't like quite, dependent, and submissive men. Either you find a submissive guy, or you learn to hand over a the reins a bit.

[BatDoc]

I ran out of characters in my comment block and you are an anonymous user, so here is the further response to your comment:

"Gosh, maybe relationships really aren't for me? That thought REALLY scares me though, because I HATE being alone and SO want to be in a serious relationship... I just always thought that the right guy would just accept me for me :/"

That could very well be the case. Some people just aren't serious relationship people. They value their independence and freedom above companionship.

I have learned in my travels that there is no one person who can meet all your needs. Investing in people is like investing in the stock market. You are more successful if you diversify. So that's exactly what I do. Rather than having one partner who meets all of my needs kinda well, I have diversified so that I have lots of friends who meet all of my needs very well. So if I need to talk about something serious, I have a few friends I can call. If I need a role in the hay, I have a couple lady friends I can call. And if I just want to hang out and goof off and drink some beers and play some cards, I have different friends to call.

The end game is all my needs are met and there are several people in each group that can meet those needs. I don't have to depend on one person to be there, but rather have a network of people who can be there for me. It's oddly refreshing and allows me to maintain my sense of freedom.

Don't worry about being alone. You are on a planet with billions of people. You're only alone if you want to be alone. As for the right guy accepting you, there are guys out there who care just enough to let you be in charge all the time, but honestly, I don't think you'd be happy with them. You are too independent and need someone just as independent who thinks in the same manner and on the same level as you do. You need someone who knows how and when to stay out of your way and let you have your freedom.

[Asker]

Your points are very true. I always thought I needed someone who would be a bit more submissive because I was independent, but I would just so quickly get bored with them and consider them weak that it would fall apart. I do need someone on my level, and I just can't seem to find that. There is always something missing, and it's making me feel like I am too demanding. I guess I will just hope for the best and enjoy the single life for now! Thanks for your help :)

[BatDoc]

Be patient. The right guy will come along. In the meantime, enjoy being single. Enjoy the hell out of it! You won't realize how much you enjoyed it until you're in a relationship.

[Anonymous]

relationships are not even about being independent I don't think you really know what that means. Not being able to compromise is a personal issue not your independent "status" you have claimed to be. It is justifying your actions which is not the right thing to do. independence is nothing more but being able to take care of your self on your own. Dating you are still on your own he is not going to show up one day and start doing your laundry and cleaning your place. dating you both have your lives and you see each other and spend time together but you still have your own domain to take care of. That part about not being able to do something he asks if you don't like it is a personal thing too. It sometimes sucks but if we care about that person we do it anyway, it just shows how much that person means to you to do it. submissive and dependence upon someone are two different things. Being dependent means you need him for something such as a place to stay, money, food...whatever that may be but that is a need. Submissive is more like you cannot say no to anything and whatever he says goes.

As far as a person letting the women wear the pants I think it is wrong. A man needs to grow a pair and act the part and lay down the law when it needs to be done.

I think you have an authority problem, you cannot be told what to do then how do you work?

[Asker]

I actually have no problem with authority, and I never have. Always dealt very well with authority and have done very well career-wise. And I am not saying that to show off, I just don't like when people make assumptions about me that are untrue. I appreciate the feedback though, and maybe you are right - I can't seem to agree to do something for a guy just cause he wants me to do it. It seems wrong to me. Maybe I am just selfish. Oh well, I tried lol.

[Opinion Owner]

"I also HATE when people try to tell me what to do" that is the authority part dear

[Asker]

Lol I meant people who I don't feel are in position to tell me to do anything. Sorry, maybe I worded it incorrectly. I don't have problem with authority when it comes from people I actually consider to be authority. Boss, coach, teacher - no problem doing what they tell me. But people in my personal life - oh yea, big problem. I just don't like doing things I don't enjoy, and I am OK with people proposing things to me, but not "demanding" that I do them after I expressed I don't want to.

[Opinion Owner]

ah okay that clears it all up

[Theguyoverthere]

I think the thing is to let your ego go. The "independence" you're describing is the "I don't need a man" mentality. The other thing is that you're losing the ability to simply just enjoy a guy's company, regardless of what it is. Loneliness is going to be the result if it is not already and simply being with someone is something that independence is only going to bring you further away from. A truly independent person doesn't have to tell people they are independent, they just are. Many "independent women" are just hiding behind ridiculous debt anyway.

Many guys don't need their ego "Stroked" and can simply do things like lifting weights in their spare time to boost their own ego. You don't have to "be submissive" when you could just as easily find a submissive male and there are plenty of those out there.

[Anonymous]

someday a guy will come and you will know how to give him space

[Anonymous]

ask for help in things you can't or don't have the time to do, enforce his masculinity.

[Anonymous]

date guys who aren't good looking . we exist too you know ?

[Asker]

This made me LOL :)

[Alphabear]

Simple. Go find a wife wholl support you