My friend, Icyfire101, asked me for some advice about how to get over a girl. I promised him that I would think about it. Icyfire101, my good man, here are my thoughts and suggestions for you and everyone else who ever felt their heart break.
You break up with someobody you dated two or three times and it's no big deal, but if it was a serious relationship . . . it is a huge deal! Some people never get over a heartbreak and they join the merchant marine and nobody ever sees them again, or they end up living alone in a house filled with 87 cats, and the local news has a video report on the 11 o'clock news.
If you don't want to turn into some tragically hip, romantic story about somebody who never got over being rejected, here is some advice on how to survive a breakup and start moving forward with your life.
1. Think about why your relationship didn't work. I'm not talking about what led up to the breakup. I'm telling you to think about why you two did not work as a couple. The answer is almost always the same: you did not meet each other's needs in a mutually satisfying way. This doesn't mean that somebody screwed up; it just means that you weren't right for her, or she wasn't right for you, or both.
You might be right for 10% of the opposite sex, but if your partner is a member of the other 90%, it doesn't matter how hard you try; you just aren't The One for her. Why would you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody knowing that you are not the right one for her? Wouldn't that be horribly, horribly tragic? Or . . . why would you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody who isn't right for you?
Almost every breakup involves contributions or fault by both parties. If she cheated on you, that means you selected a partner who was not suited for a monogamous relationship. If he was an alcoholic or drug addict, that's what you chose to be your partner. When all of the warning signs were there, you chose to ignore them. Of course you are angry at your ex but take responsibility for your contribution to the failure of the relationship. If you learn your lessons, you can use the breakup to make yourself a better person.
2. Don't romanticize this breakup in your head. Don't turn it into something even bigger than it already is. You are not the first person on the planet who ever fell in love "this deeply." Everybody falls in love "this deeply." You are not the first guy to catch your girl in bed with another guy. Yes, it sucks, it's awful, it's horribly unfair, this isn't SUPPOSED TO happen. But . . . this has happened to other people and they survived. They have some scars from the experience, but they survived. You will, too!
3. You don't "get over" an ex. You move on with your life. Some of these feelings will be with you for a long time, but the edges on the exposed nerves won't always be so sensitive. Don't expect to find peace and tranquility anytime soon, especially if this was your first love. I am 60 years old and I still have some feelings about the girl who rejected me in high school. Things will fade . . . slowly . . . and one day, you'll realize that it doesn't feel like there's a huge hole in your torso.lousy
So . . . don't sit around waiting to feel better before you start doing anything besides eating lousy bologna sandwiches, drinking cheap liquor, and watching reruns of the Andy Griffith Show. Get out and do something and you will feel better. It doesn't need to be a social activity. Get out and wash your car. Go to the gym, go for a jog. Get out and wash my car!
4. You don't need to forget your ex. Well intentioned idiots will tell you that "you need to forget" your ex. They are idiots, of course, and they are wrong. (When they give you that advice and stand there with a look on their face like they just solved all of your problems, ask them how you can erase the memories in your head.) You can't simply forget about people and there are many parts of the relationship that you should remember. There are nice parts that you want to remember. If you forget the bad parts, you will tend to make the same mistakes repeatedly, right? It is okay to hold on to your memories; that is not the same thing as trying to hold on to the person. Got it? Let go of the person, hold on to the memories.
5. There is no "normal" amount of time necessary to recover from having your heart ripped out. Don't set a time line for how soon you should be in recovery. How long it takes depends on you, the relationship, the reasons for the breakup, and some other variables. Rushing your recovery may be as detrimental as taking an abnormally long time.
6. Remember the good times, but . . .. Remind yourself about all the good times that you had and recognize that this is the part that you miss; what you really want is to have your fantasy of the way you wish the relationship had been. You don't really miss all of the arguments and the nights that you were alone, wondering if he was with someone else. It is normal to miss the relationship.
You had lots of good times and now you are sitting at home alone on a Saturday night. Remember that missing all of the good parts, the companionship, the affection, the sharing . . . that doesn't mean that you are still in love with your partner. Loneliness is not a reason to try to return to a failed relationship. Turn to your friends for some activities to keep yourself busy and to avoid that awful empty feeling.
7. What made the "magic" in the relationship? Think about why you were able to have those good times with your ex. Was it because they had money? A special talent? The place where they lived? Their educational interests and goals? Her cute little foreign accent? It wasn't really "magic," it was something that you should be able to identify. What was it?
Ask yourself whether there are other people in your world who could possibly have the necessary ingredients for you to find the "magic" with someone else. Is it possible that anyone else in the world could fulfill that niche and help you find good times again? Probably! Really! This is the voice of many years of experience talking. You don't accept the idea that anyone else could ever make you happy, but it can happen, and it will.
8. If things turn too bleak for you. Promise yourself and one other trusted friend or family member the following: if you feel yourself succumbing to depression and you start considering life-ending alternatives, you will alert your friend or family member and follow their recommendation on what action you should take.
9. Don't forget the bad stuff. Remind yourself why you or your partner broke up the relationship and the various ways in which your partner mistreated you and otherwise acted like a selfish idiot. Make a list and develop a habit of reading it once or twice a day. When you get tired of reading the list, you're making progress.
10. You want to see your ex again. You drive by her house, hoping that maybe she just arrived home and you'll see her getting out of her car, or maybe she will be sitting on her front porch. Maybe you hang out way too much at the coffee shop she frequents or the grocery store where she shops. You're smiling because you know exactly what I'm talking about.
What is your fantasy? She will look up and see you, your eyes will meet, she will feel the electricity in the moment, and she will run into your waiting arms. Wake up, dude, you're dreaming! Girl, you think he's going to forget about that 18 year old blonde cheerleader-type he's been banging 24/7 since one month before your breakup? When he forgets her, he'll move on to the next flavor-of-the-month, not you. That's what cheaters do.
If you did get back together, you would have the same problems that you had previously and it would come to an end once again, but much sooner this time, for the same reasons. If you think something like, "Oh, we're different from other couples and I would work so hard that it couldn't fail," well, then . . . join the club. That's what everyone thinks when they reconcile a failed relationship and the result is almost always the same. "Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else." (Margaret Mead)
Any attempt at reconciling will just prolong the breakup and all the awful feelings. Are you enjoying all of this pain?
11. Your duty of loyalty has ended. Quite frequently, family and friends will think they are doing you a favor by openly bashing the selfish idiot that just stomped on your heart. That is understandable. But there is also an urge to defend the person that we chose, even though the relationship is over. And, if we haven't yet accepted that it's really over, we feel that instinct even stronger; it's similar to a mother defending an errant child.
Stop telling yourself that you need to make apologies for your ex. Start being honest with yourself about their shortcomings and stop defending them when others start the criticism. If you feel a need to defend your ex when you hear criticisms, tell others that their criticisms of that ignorant gutter slut are not helping you and ask them to please not express their desire to set her on fire, at least not in your presence.
12. Start dating as soon as you feel ready. What's the advice for what to do when you fall off a horse? Get right back on. As soon as you are ready, start dating. Tell yourself - repeatedly - that you have no expectations for the first date other than having fun. Don't wear your heart on your sleeve, don't tell your date about your awful breakup, but don't deceive them if any questions come up about your status, availability, etc.
When you have the first kiss with someone new, you will be amazed at how good it feels. Someone else finds you desirable! Don't make the mistake of having sex on the first date. Of course you are attracted to your date, but wanting to prove that someone else desires you in that way is not a good reason for your date to have sex with you and you would be "using" your date. Be very mindful of your motivations with the new person and make sure that whatever you do is not motivated by a desire to address a question that was raised by your breakup.
These 12 points do not guarantee a speedy recovery but they should help to shorten the process for you. Good luck!
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